BF is stressed, busy, distant. How do I deal?!

[nutbrownhare]

How do I deal in those moments so I don't take it out on hum by being distant or not responding to texts or complaining. I could keep myself busy by meeting people and doing activities but it would still be at the back of my mind. Any advice?

It's well within your power not to take it out on him! The kind of passive-aggressive behaviour you describe is a relationship killer, and needs to be deleted from your repertoire immediately. There are much nicer ways of letting someone know you're missing them than ignoring them or being distant... take a moment to think how he may interpret these actions... more likely to make him think you don't care, and drive him away. Punishing people never brings them closer.

 

And yes, you DO need to meet people and get into other activities. To begin with, it will be difficult not to think about him all the time, but as you get into your activities, and get more into the people you're meeting, it will get easier. It will make you a more interesting, well-rounded partner as well as making you happier in yourself.

 

I have a self-help book with a chapter entitled 'One and Only = None and Lonely'. Don't be that girl!

[abitbroken]

You couldn't tell him that you "wanted to go see your family" or see them because you miss them, you had to say "I need to be around some close knit people loving people" which implies he is not meeting a need, that he and his family are not loving, etc. Stop that. Stop with the loaded comments. And also, you implied that you made it so he had to wonder why you were taking off so quickly instead of just saying "hey, I just got this great fare - I am going to see my folks for a couple days before school starts" before he had to wonder why you were leaving.

 

Also, is this his dad's house or his house he is renovating? You are jumping too far ahead UNLESS you are engaged to be designing a room in his house, no? slow down. relax.

[confused8787]

Thank you I really appreciate the constructive advice. It has been hard since it seems like everyone wants to give me space all at the same time so for a while it felt like I had no one. I am actually worried that when he starts coming over more starting next week because of classes, I will get attached all over again. And then the steps I am taking to adjust my behavior would just get pushed back. I also don't really understand men in the way they miss their woman. He says it sometimes when he is alone and winding down for the day, he will tell me how much he misses me and wishes he could sleep next to me. But other times he will act like I never crossed his mind. And when he knows he is heading out to hang out with his cousins he will be pretty rushed, he will say, "I'm going out tonight" when I ask what he's up to. That usually means the car races. But that phrase bugs me so much. Yes he's going out and it's Friday and I'm home, alone, trying not to wig out and I honestly just want to scream because I'm that bored, that alone and that empty in that moment. I never express this to him because I mean, he's on his way out lol. But I don't know what to do with myself in those particular moments!!

[mhowe]

Say "have fun!" and mean it.

 

Read that sentence you wrote....I am that bored, that lonely and that empty.

 

THAT is not his fault, it is yours. Take it out on him at your own peril. Get a life...even when he is living with you during the school year --- take time apart. It is incredibly healthy.

 

I saw my bf for about 10 minutes today -- and we have plans for all day Sun. I won't talk to him before then -- because do I care what he had for breakfast, or what his buddy said. It can wait. I have stuff to do and so does he.

 

GET A LIFE> your relationship is not your life...or it shouldn't be...it is the whipped cream on the sundae.

 

Stop expecting him to think/act like a woman. You really wouldn't like it if he did.

[confused8787]

You couldn't tell him that you "wanted to go see your family" or see them because you miss them, you had to say "I need to be around some close knit people loving people" which implies he is not meeting a need, that he and his family are not loving, etc. Stop that. Stop with the loaded comments. And also, you implied that you made it so he had to wonder why you were taking off so quickly instead of just saying "hey, I just got this great fare - I am going to see my folks for a couple days before school starts" before he had to wonder why you were leaving.

 

Also, is this his dad's house or his house he is renovating? You are jumping too far ahead UNLESS you are engaged to be designing a room in his house, no? slow down. relax.[/quote

You're right. I was implying he wasn't meeting a need by saying it like that. It's passive aggressive. And well it's true in a way. He hasn't been there for me always when I was going through stuff this summer. I don't blame him. He was busy. But regardless of what I was going through I have always always been there for him and looked out for him. Maybe that's my mistake. I am doing too much perhaps. I have been feeling really homesick all week and I didn't tell my bf because I didn't want to be disappointed when he wouldn't have been able to do anything and I needed people who were willing to open their doors and let me be happy for a weekend. That was my extended family. He wouldn't have done that for me and prob it's not his responsibility. I don't know what is anymore. Anyways, when I told him i needed to get away he was a little confused and hurt thinking I needed to get away from him. But he didn't complain or anything. He is just letting me be.

Regarding his room ... I never offered my opinions, he actually comes to me seeking my input. He knows I have an eye for design and have done it before. So he is letting me plan out everytjing, tiles and colors and carpet, finishings etc. It's his wing in his dads house that he is building. It was flooded last year and he hasn't had a proper bed or place for his things in a year. His stuff is mostly in boxes. When he stays at my place I Ofcourse clear. Out space for him to make him feel at home. And also whenever I give my input I always always say, it's your room, you should have the final say or I tell him to make some decisions because he needs to have his footprint on it as well. But he always says this room is all my design and that he's doing it for us so we can go back to how things used to be, we would stay at eachothers places equally.

[nutbrownhare]

You need to stop the passive aggressive stuff immediately - it's a relationship killer.

 

It's probably not that you're doing too much for him, but that you're doing it in the expectation of something in return, rather than it being freely given. Then you're resenting him because, deep down, you think he owes you; or as a saying in one of the twelve-step programs puts it: 'Expectations breed Resentments'. There's a very useful quote from one of Robin Norwood's books, which you may find useful in discerning what is and isn't yours to deal with:

 

'We ask of a relationship that it give us a sense of meaning and identity and purpose, that it take away our feeling of isolation and soothe our fear of abandonment. We expect that if we are with the 'right' person we will feel safe in an unsafe world... in short, we think a relationship should make us perfectly happy. The man with whom we're involved becomes the source of healing for our pain and answers to our questions and the provider of all that is missing or underdeveloped in us.

 

What a foolish, even dangerous set of expectations!

 

A relationship... was never meant to provide us with all this. It can provide companionship, a degree of understanding and always, always, the opportunity to learn more about who we are and where we need to stretch and grow. A good relationship with a mate includes tenderness, caring and sexuality. But it is not meant to provide the rest.'

 

In your particular case, your relationship is telling you very clearly that you need to develop your social circle and take responsibility for your own feelings. This statement of yours is worth looking at:

I have been feeling really homesick all week and I didn't tell my bf because I didn't want to be disappointed when he wouldn't have been able to do anything and I needed people who were willing to open their doors and let me be happy for a weekend.

Your happiness does not lie in the hands of others. It's something you need to find for yourself, or you risk feeling permanently disappointed. Sure, there are some people you're more likely to feel happy around than others - so spend time with them. Being with your extended family should ideally be a source of delight in your life, not a weapon to try and make your boyfriend feel bad. If you are happy within yourself, you're going to be much nicer to be around and others are more likely to want to be with you.

 

The problem with trying to make people feel guilty as a means of controlling them is that it will backfire. What should have been a desire on their part becomes an obligation (because they've felt manipulated into it) and any feelings of guilt will turn to anger, in time. Then they really WILL distance themselves, because it's nicer to be around people who are fun and honest.

 

Even if your boyfriend was 100% available, you'd still need to be spending time with your extended family, friends and acquaintances who share interests. Relying on one person for all your emotional needs is very unhealthy and a sure-fire way of leading to depression and unhappiness.

[abitbroken]

You're right. I was implying he wasn't meeting a need by saying it like that. It's passive aggressive. And well it's true in a way. He hasn't been there for me always when I was going through stuff this summer. I don't blame him. He was busy. But regardless of what I was going through I have always always been there for him and looked out for him. Maybe that's my mistake. I am doing too much perhaps. I have been feeling really homesick all week and I didn't tell my bf because I didn't want to be disappointed when he wouldn't have been able to do anything and I needed people who were willing to open their doors and let me be happy for a weekend. That was my extended family. He wouldn't have done that for me and prob it's not his responsibility. I don't know what is anymore. Anyways, when I told him i needed to get away he was a little confused and hurt thinking I needed to get away from him. But he didn't complain or anything. He is just letting me be.

 

What does "being there for you" mean? Does it mean that he should drop everything and sit and hold your hand and look into your eyes? If something is important to you and you need to talk about it with him, tell him so = say "hey , this is bothering me lately and I could really use an ear". That could happen on the phone over a series of 20 minute conversations as you process it or it could be one long convo. I think you didn't give him the opportunity to "be there" in that case.

 

As far as being homesick, why didn't you tell your boyfriend just in the sake of sharing? It would be okay to tell him that. He knows your family is far away. And he wouldn't try to solve your problem. And if you want open doors - that goes both ways. You can welcome friends over to your home.

[lavenderdove]

Feeling neglected = pouting because baby is lonely and wants her favorite toy.

 

He's not neglecting you because he's not your parent responsible for filling your boring moments. And don't expect to be the center of his world, because you are not and shouldn't be. YOU are the center of your world and HE is the center of his world, and whenever that gets out of balance and HE comes the center of your world, it gets all messed up and you are setting yourself up for misery.

 

YOU must be there for you because you live in your own head. He doesn't have to be there for you and frequently he can't be there for you, so don't hold that against him. Again, you've got a childlike perspective where if baby is unhappy she goes looking for a lap to cry in rather than looking for ways to get happiness for herself that don't involve crying in his lap.

 

Your mistake is you are focusing to much on him as the center of your world and need to get yourself back into the center of your world so that you're happy whether he's around or not, and it's a BONUS if he's around, but not a necessity. If your sister drops dead of course it would be an expectation that he would spend a couple days comforting you and 'being there' for you, but if you're just bored or lonely or someone was mean to you, he shouldn't have to be there for you, you need to figure out how to 'be there' for yourself and function on your own as an adult to resolve problems and issues rather than running and crying in your BF's lap and expecting him to want that and do that all the time.

 

And you say: ' I needed people who were willing to open their doors and let me be happy for a weekend.' NOBODY 'lets you' be happy. Not their job and you shouldn't expect to dump that burden on them. You need to figure this out for yourself and not expect other people to 'fix' you or your emotions.

 

So your focus now has to be on growing up and not looking at the world thru the eyes of a child. If you are terrified of being alone or can't be with him for months on end without crying to him or whining at him, then you do need to consider some counseling to figure out how to stand on your own two feet and be happy about that rahter than expecting someone else to fix you or fix your feelings.

[confused8787]

I have heard love being described as the feeling that your SO completes you, or that your SO is the most important and thought about part of your world. Is that not true? Where is that balance between having your own lives and space and being there for one another. Being there for me emotionally is just as important if not more than just being there for me physically. I love my bf and I don't expect him to solve my issues, neither can anyone else. It's something I am dealing with in counseling. It takes time. Part of me is worried that if, say, he doesn't have classes to take this semester, he will continue being as he is, pulling away and more focused on doing dumb things with his cousins. How do I handle that for 6 more months??

Also, on a side note. I twisted my ankle while I was away this weekend. I am on crutches and have to be wearing a boot for 2 weeks. I live alone and don't have family here. What can I expect of my bf in terms of help? Should I ask for it or hope he automatically offers?

[abitbroken]

Did you see a doctor and did the doctor give you the boot and tell you that you must wear it - or did you twist your ankle and a relative happen to have crutches and a boot and tell you "here, use them". unless you broke a small bone in your foot or have a severe sprain, that sounds a little dramatic. What can you expect? You are a big girl and you figure out how to navigate about your day on crutches. Do you expect that he comes to work with you everyday and follow you around? You don't expect him to wait on you. It is not like this is a terminal illness or you have a broken back. You can likely drive just fine, too, even if you use the other foot on the pedals. I lived alone when I broke my leg. I figured it out.

 

 

No, your SO doesn't complete you - you have a complete life and your SO is the icing on the cake. Yes, you can meet someone and feel that "wow, this is the guy for me." And for someone to be your partner and be a team with you once married or committed, but needing to codependently be intertwined with someone is not love. You are freaking out just because the past two weeks he is finishing work so he can wrap it all up to focus on going back to school.

 

What the heck would you do if you married someone who went away on business for a couple of days every month? Make it a competition of who pays more attention to you - mom or hubby?

 

I sincerely wish for you to make more friends of your own, but more so, becoming happy with yourself being by yourself first. That way you don't attract needy friends. When you are happy by yourself - the more people want to be with you.

[nutbrownhare]

I have heard love being described as the feeling that your SO completes you, or that your SO is the most important and thought about part of your world. Is that not true?

 

What can I expect of my bf in terms of help? Should I ask for it or hope he automatically offers?

Sadly, the myth that your SO 'completes you' is unrealistic and unhealthy - as you are experiencing at the moment. If you need help from your partner, ask for it. He may automatically offer; he may assume you're OK. Either way, he's not a mind reader.

 

Expecting your partner to anticipate your needs and wishes is not only unrealistic, but a cause of a lot of conflict in relationships - especially when one person sulks because the other one hasn't done things which haven't been asked for in the first place.

 

Healthy relationships take place between two people who take responsibility for themselves, and are not looking to the other person to complete them. They are also open and honest.

[lavenderdove]

Yes, i broke my wrist when i lived alone and i figured that out too. Your posts and your mindset speak very clearly to you feeling someone should 'take care of you' rather than someone should be a partner. Partners share experiences together, but it doesn't mean that his job is taking care of you every time you have a bad moment.

 

For example, if my partner twisted his ankle, I ask if i could help by making sure there was food in the house, but other than that, what is necessary? You do have crutches and can get to the fridge and back, and if push comes to shove, live on whatever food is in the house until you can put weight on the foot which should be a few days.

 

The most frequent mistake that young girls make that get their BFs sick of them and wanting to leave them is when the girl is 'high maintenance', i.e., expecting her BF to endlessly 'be there' for her while she complains about every hang nail and how fat she feels or how tired she is and then if he doesn't read her mind and instantly rush in to 'be there for her', the girl pouts and whines and gets angry at him because is is not hovering over her and catering to her and spending every spare minute he has with her and every spare dime he has buying her gifts and taking her out to dinner or going where she wants to go.

 

And a really important fact: he's not married to you yet. So he doesn't need to come home to you every night, or even most nights. in a 'normal' dating relationship in the same town, he may see you once a week during the week, and then on a couple weekend dates and sleepovers on the weekend.

 

The way you sound now you are jealous of his cousins and angry that he doesn't want to spend every spare moment and $20 in gas and 2 hours driving every day to drive to you and pamper you.

 

I have a piece of advice... he may be pulling away from you because you are driving him away crying in his lap and angry that he's not dancing attendance on you every day. You need to get your own life and friends and activities that you do when he's at work or spending time with his friends. He's obviously not ready to settle down yet and neither are you, so you should only expect to see him right now for a a sleepover on the weekend and maybe once a week. Learn to be fine with that, and i suspect he will want to spend more time with you if you don't cling to him so tightly and pout because you're not the center of his world all the time, and every day.

[confused8787]

Regarding the ankle ... the doctor gave me the ankle boot and crutches. I am lucky I did not fracture anything but it is still swollen up like a tennis ball. Since it is my right leg, and I live in a driving town, I was a little concerned how I would go about my next two weeks, but no, I was not expecting him to wait on me hand and foot. Rather, I was asking if it was ok if he maybe went grocery shopping with me, as an example. Is it okay to ask that? I am so confused honestly by what to be, how to act in this relationship. Everyone is saying something different, but the constant agreement is that I am needy and I am expecting others to fill that void for me. I see a therapist, I know that I can only fill that void myself. And I am working on it. Hence the extracurriculars, meeting new people, learning to be calm when I feel alone, etc. It is a learning process and takes time.

Yes, you are right. I do feel jealous that he spends all his free time with his cousins. I see it as him spending 80% of his free time with them and 20% with me. And he and I are not married, but he constantly says he sees us growing old together, he wants to be with me forever, etc. And he is very genuine about it! When someone says these things to you and then suddenly goes from spending the majority of his week with you to only 1-2 nights ... that sets off alarms for any woman/man. I had to understand that he is going through a rough summer and prob hates that school is starting again this week. I get it, I have given him ample space, time to wind down, etc. Yet he always chooses his cousins when he wants to wind down, have fun. Do you know how he is when he comes over to see me? He is sore, tired, usually irritated from working all day and from the stuff he has to deal with his family ... THAT is what I get during my 1-2 nights with him. I get someone sulky, angry, tired. Not towards me, but in demeanor. That isnt fair to me. I have told him repeatedly, if you are not in the mood to hang out, dont come over! But his response is, but I miss you, I want to see you. It is frustrating that he has a "good time" with his cousins and with me it usually ends in irritation or arguments because of his mood. I honestly dont feel like he wants to be around me. It is either that, or he is so comfortable around me that he can reveal his true feelings. Obviously he is not going to reveal his problems to his cousins ... but I hope you can see WHY I am complaining over those 1-2 days ...because I dont feel like it is quality time. I honestly feel he is losing himself amidst his troubles and stresses, and in the process, I am losing him. Even last night ... he picked me up from the airport because I could not drive my car back. He was tired, sore, in pain ... he didnt ask about my trip and was quiet throughout dinner. He was in a lot of pain ... I told him he should have let me know!!! I could have asked a friend to pick me up. He said he was glad to do it and he would have been upset if I had not asked him ...

 

I am at my wits end here. I miss him, I miss us.

[mhowe]

You want him to be with you, and when he is you complain about his mood.

You want him to do things for you, and when he does, you tell him you could have asked someone else.

 

I am at my wits end trying to see where he finds the patience to be with you.

[confused8787]

You want him to be with you, and when he is you complain about his mood.

You want him to do things for you, and when he does, you tell him you could have asked someone else.

 

I am at my wits end trying to see where he finds the patience to be with you.

 

Either you do things for someone else whole heartedly and not b***h about it and act like a jerk the whole time, or you dont do it at all.

 

Would you want to spend the 1 night you have with your BF watching him get irritated by everything, not wanting to talk, and just watch tv mindlessly and go to sleep? Cause he can do that alone at his own house if he wants to ..

 

I am at my wits end trying to see where I have the patience to put up with his s**t all summer. Every weekend has been like this and he admits it. I just take it.

[mhowe]

He was tired, sore, in pain ... he didnt ask about my trip and was quiet throughout dinner. He was in a lot of pain ..

 

He wasn't complaining about being with you, he was in pain. From his physical work at work. And then driving an hour to see you.

 

And if he "didn't do it at all", you would complain about that too.

 

Put up with what all summer --- a bf who has a job, and a plan ---- and is talking about a future with you?

 

You don't seem well suited. Perhaps you should talk w/ your therapist about how to get out of the relationship.

[confused8787]

He was tired, sore, in pain ... he didnt ask about my trip and was quiet throughout dinner. He was in a lot of pain ..

 

He wasn't complaining about being with you, he was in pain. From his physical work at work. And then driving an hour to see you.

 

And if he "didn't do it at all", you would complain about that too.

 

Put up with what all summer --- a bf who has a job, and a plan ---- and is talking about a future with you?

 

You don't seem well suited. Perhaps you should talk w/ your therapist about how to get out of the relationship.

 

You make very drastic statements without knowing the full picture ... I put up with his anger, his tantrums, yelling, arguing, all for reaaaaaaaallly stupid things. Never anything major. And honestly, he took full responsibility for his actions each time. Every weekend was like this, after it started off well.

He wasn't complaining at all .. he just asked me to shut up. He wanted a silent dinner at the restaurant, he was on his phone the whole time. Really? Thats tolerable? I let it go cause he was in pain. But that was rude. Like I said, I gave him the space he needed this summer, I am still giving it to him. He may have a job and a plan, and want a future with me ... but on his nights with me, I am NOT his outlet. I am not his punching bag (metaphorically), I should be someone he wants to have a good time with. Right now, thats not what I feel like I am ...

[mhowe]

Not once in this post did you mention anger, tantrums etc. So how would anyone have "the full picture".

And yet, the second sentence says "he took responsibility for his actions".

 

If he was on the phone the whole time you were on a date, it would appear that he wasn't really with you.

And if my bf told me to "shut up", it would be a very short date.

[confused8787]

I mentioned his irritability and his mood swings right before you said: "You want him to be with you, and when he is you complain about his mood. You want him to do things for you, and when he does, you tell him you could have asked someone else. I am at my wits end trying to see where he finds the patience to be with you."

 

Yes, he will act like a little child, throwing tantrums and getting irritated quickly and then apologize for it later. In fact, I said to him last week ...

"this summer has been a rough one for you. I know you are working hard and I am proud of you. I am sorry it took me some time to give you the space you needed but I understand things better now. However, your stress has affected US because of the way you act when you are around. You make it seem like a chore to come over on the days we have planned for US. You are very irritable, and still quite closed off in your little bubble. I can see that you are going through something but it isnt all fair to me if thats how you to choose to spend your time with me. Even I am human, I have feelings and I put aside this time for you. So things have to get better because I dont know how much longer I can keep up with your ups and downs"

 

Its that discrepancy in the way he acts around his cousins VS around me that I cannot understand. You cannot tell me you love me and want to be with me but never seem happy around me. He attributes it to his stresses and the fact I complain about his behavior a lot. Well, if you act the way he does, anyone would complain ...

[abitbroken]

Firstly - how do you live if your right foot is swollen? You drive with your left. I have done it. Lots of folks with only one foot or leg do it also.

 

Also, one thing you keep missing - you are focusing on the last few weeks of him working on the house. During the semester, he is not coming to you dead dog tired, etc. This is just right now. Seeing someone 1-2 nights a week is appropriate in a relationship where someone is temporarily very busy.

 

 

Yes, he will act like a little child, throwing tantrums and getting irritated quickly and then apologize for it later. In fact, I said to him last week ...

"this summer has been a rough one for you. I know you are working hard and I am proud of you. I am sorry it took me some time to give you the space you needed but I understand things better now. However, your stress has affected US because of the way you act when you are around. You make it seem like a chore to come over on the days we have planned for US. You are very irritable, and still quite closed off in your little bubble. I can see that you are going through something but it isnt all fair to me if thats how you to choose to spend your time with me. Even I am human, I have feelings and I put aside this time for you. So things have to get better because I dont know how much longer I can keep up with your ups and downs"

 

Well..this started off good...But the "i don't know how much longer i can put up with this" is a bit of a threat. You know he is stressed and you know the light at the end of the tunnel is when school starts. Get back in the swing and talk about things then if they continue.

[nutbrownhare]

Its that discrepancy in the way he acts around his cousins VS around me that I cannot understand. You cannot tell me you love me and want to be with me but never seem happy around me. He attributes it to his stresses and the fact I complain about his behavior a lot. Well, if you act the way he does, anyone would complain ...

 

When he's round his cousins it sounds as though there are no demands he can't meet, no complaints about him just being him, and they're fun to be around. It doesn't sound very complicated to me!

 

Unfortunately, it sounds as though you're already driving him away. Hopefully this will sort itself out once his course starts up again, but even then you will need to build up more of a life for yourself, independently of the relationship, or this kind of issue will rear its ugly head again and again.

 

By the way, I broke my foot a few years back. They didn't put it in plaster, and I was advised to use it as much as possible. There were a few things which were absolutely excruciating, but apart from that life continued as normal.

[confused8787]

With regards to my injured right foot I think I'm okay ... I'm able to drive (we use our right leg ... I tried using my left but it was awk. I'm more likely to get in an accident that way lol) I have a 40 min drive through traffic each way so as long as I can get through that I'm good. I was just asking for tasks which require more pressure on the foot like carrying my laundry basket downstairs with crutches lol, is it ok to ask him for help? I feel reluctant to even do that.

So his school began yesterday. He obviously came over because of that. I know, sometimes the convenient things are good for the relationship. When I asked him about this weekend, he said he was going to work. It's labor day, 3 day weekend. He said he has to complete a lot of the work by Mon for the insurance inspector. That's fine with me, I get it. But he will probably finish early and then go hang out with his cousins. His car meets are a fixed weekly thing twice a week at least. Is it too hard to ask him to fix a weekly night with me? Right now its sort of like ... work first, then cousins, then school, then if I have time I will see my gf. Ohh. And since I'm last on the chain he is tired out by all the other activities and I get his grouchy irritable self to deal with. Honestly, is that fair?? And is it not courteous to plan a night with me so I know I'm free rather than tell me last minute? His argument is he won't know when he will finish up with work in the evening. ...

Like I said, I'm at the end of the rope. If I ask, there are excuses, if I don't then his cousins take priority with his free time. And amidst all this I hear I miss you, I love you, and cute comments about our future. My mind is just about to explode. I was so fed up I just told him last night, "do whatever you want, come and go as you please. I am tired and I don't care anymore."

[mhowe]

I would say the relationship has run its course.

You want to be a priority, he does not want to make you one.

He has a full life --- work, school, family.

You have a relatively empty one --- work.

 

Tell him that it isn't working for you, and you wish him the best.

[nutbrownhare]

See how it goes once he's spending more time with you, but to be honest it sounds as though it's on the way out. It doesn't sound as though either of you is happy, and if this relationship is going to get healthier then either one or both of you will have to change - and that doesn't sound likely, either.

[confused8787]

I know, I agree that it does seem like the end. But you know those moments you have with a person, the ones which remind you how much you love them? We have several of those. I cant describe to you how much he loves me. I can see it, I feel it. And he keeps saying to be patient, that things will get better once his room work ends and once school is in full swing and he is at my place more. I asked him, if things were good for us both, no room issues or anything, how often would you like to see me? He said about 6 days a week to every day. Not hang out all the time but just be around each other and do our own things. Given all of this in addition to his lack of time for me, his stresses, his irritation etc. I don't know what to do or say anymore. Giving up seems so easy. What other options do I have??