BF is stressed, busy, distant. How do I deal?!

[confused8787]

You say:

 

Thanks for calling -- but guess what --- I don't really need to --- I just was overthinking stuff. I know you are doing the best you can, and so am I. I am looking forward to you being closer since you will be at school."

 

And change the subject.

 

And, if, per chance he doesn't call --- let it go. No one wants to make that call.

 

Remember --- empathy, compassion, listen --- and silence if you can't find anything positive to say. This phase will pass.

 

Sounds good!

 

I really wish that the first two years were less clingy on both our ends. I know I put TOO MUCH effort into the relationship and that has made it unbalanced as well. While I have FELT like he has been hot and cold, in reality he has never stopped loving me or trying his hardest to make me happy and see me smile. I am sure that me being so gloomy of late has also got him down, nobody wants to see their SO unhappy. By being all gloomy I am sure I make him feel guilty but in fact HE IS GUILTY OF NOTHING except getting his life in order so he can be stable and functioning. I have unbounded love for him, but empathy and compassion and patience, these are all hard to keep unbounded because life gets in the way. I hope I can do it!

[penelope13]

I think you might have misunderstood by what I meant with 'trade off': if I do something for my partner, I don't expect (and get grumpy if he doesn't deliver) anything back for that, i.e whatever I do for him or he does for me is usually motivated by either individual, not because we feel 'we have to pay back'. Of course relationships are give and take, but where does it say the giving and taking has to take place at the same time, in the same week? If he has an extra busy schedule now, why not wait till he has a bit more time again, is physically feeling better and thus has more energy. By sort of forcing that he has to fit you in RIGHT NOW you are forcing time together under strenuous conditions. 2 weeks is really not such a long time not to see each other at the early stages of a relationship. Did you tell him that if you give him space on the weekends you expect him to see you more often during the week? I wouldn't actually call that giving someone space, but just shifting schedules.

 

Be honest with yourself at least: you started out this thread by explaining that you are bored as well as home sick. That doesn't really sound like 'I hardly have a minute to breath, yet my partner is always my priority'. Thus 'you making time for him' and 'him making time for you' could be 2 very different things because your circumstances are different.

 

Don't mother him or do other things for him if you get resentful if he doesn't return the favor in the same manner. He might be thinking that he is very much thinking about the relationship by working hard to ensure that in the future you may have a nice place to share one day. That is focusing on the relationship and a true commitment, it's just a different way of expressing it.

 

 

 

 

Maybe a more fruitful question is 'why do most people see this so differently'? - What does he want on those nights? Probably lounge around and chill with you, do things that uplift his spirits. Not have difficult discussions about all the things he is not doing right. Quality time CAN be just being in each others presence without the need of having to interact. When I was at the peak of my studies and worked weekends as well, there was nothing more I appreciated than when my partner tagged along to my workplace, but once there would actually not interrupt me or ask for attention while I was working. Just looking up from time to time and seeing him being there (he usually brought some work along as well, or a book to keep busy) motivated me that much more to be efficient with my work. There were other times when I studied/worked 20 hours a day for weeks on end, had hardly time for sleep or a call to my family. What did my awesome partner do? Leave me alone for most of the time without complaining, or sometimes he would stop by for 5min to drop off some food, give me a quick kiss ... and be on his way. I equally understand that there are times that my partner simply needs his whole mind focused on a particular task and that it has nothing to do with lack of respect or commitment to me.

 

How does your bf have the energy to talk to the people at the meet? - Those conversations are not draining him off energy (such as complicated relationship arguments/discussions), but are 'let your brain and body relax and recharge' moments. When you are in a very extreme stressful phase in your life and have to fully focus on many things, you need to prioritize your free time in such a way that it gives you the necessary energy to sustain yourself throughout the demands of the day. One simple negative conversation with your partner is usually not just a simple 2 hour (or whatever) argument, but usually the negativity lingers on for much longer, thus it's the exact opposite of what you should be doing with your spare time.

 

 

 

No, I don't understand why you feel second class. It sounds as if either he has to spend most of his free time with you (regardless of an additional 2 hours driving + the gas costs) or he has to spend all his time working, i.e. without any fun outside his interaction with you for you to feel validated. - That is not 'genuine effort to support him'.

 

 

 

Compromising and learning something new, i.e. personal growth are 2 separate things. If you consider every personal growth as something that 'you are doing for him and because of him' you'll end up resenting him. Change and grow because you want to, not because it will earn you something of/from him.

 

 

 

Don't b***h the whole time and complain that I'm not doing this or that.

 

Do you see? you don't like him being negative when he is around you. Do you think he in turn will be happy that you keep finding things to complain about? This is what forcing time together does to you if the circumstances are not right (i.e. there is not really enough time in the day/week).

 

 

 

No, negative thought patterns are usually not 'natural', but they are learned behaviors. The good thing is they can be unlearned and replaced with healthier/ more positive thought patterns.

[mhowe]

My life/our relationship went to the extreme last year when my mother was dying. He tried to be a good bf, but his try wasn't enough. In reality, nothing could have been enough. I called a break before I took his head off at the shoulders. When we got back together, he actually apologized for not trying harder. By then, I knew he had given it his best. That it wasn't satisfactory to me --- was on me, not him.

 

People can only do their best. Life happens. You either roll with it, or you don't. And if there is anything I have learned in the past year --- it is that people love in different ways...and you have to open your heart and mind to see it. It's there.

[confused8787]

My life/our relationship went to the extreme last year when my mother was dying. He tried to be a good bf, but his try wasn't enough. In reality, nothing could have been enough. I called a break before I took his head off at the shoulders. When we got back together, he actually apologized for not trying harder. By then, I knew he had given it his best. That it wasn't satisfactory to me --- was on me, not him.

 

People can only do their best. Life happens. You either roll with it, or you don't. And if there is anything I have learned in the past year --- it is that people love in different ways...and you have to open your heart and mind to see it. It's there.

 

I'm so sorry to hear that mhowe. I cannot imagine what that must have been like for you! Grieving a loved one is a difficult process and also an individualistic one, everyone deals with it differently. It comes back to the idea that no one else can make you "happy", only you can make yourself "happy", whatever "happy" may be for you in that moment of your life.

 

At what point do you know that someone has given it their best? As an example, if my bf during these tough months never really initiates hanging out, I always have to suggest it, does it mean he has become lazy and is not putting enough effort into the relationship? Or does it mean that maybe he cant really take on that responsibility right now. Because now that I think of it ... his cousins do all the initiating as well when they go out. The only plans my bf actually has every week right now are his classes and his weekly car meet(s). And when I do initiate, he is usually up for it -- if he is busy one night he will always suggest another. So in that sense he is trying his best? It gets quite crazy when you analyze things! I sometimes hate the fact that I am an analytical thinker by nature (it is a byproduct of my educational and work culture/environment).

[mhowe]

It means he is reactive ---very stressed. So, it you plan it, he will come. Get it on the books, so to speak -- and if he can't, he will figure out another night. Stop keeping score...he loves you.

 

And I am analytical thinker as well, and bet I pass you 100x.

[confused8787]

I missed your post penelope. I see what you are saying, that I am doing things thinking it's genuine but really I have expectations for him to respond back in a certain way. So to genuinely give him space and the time to get back on his feet, do I just let him go and hope he comes back rather than suggesting to meet up or making him feel bad about it. When I told him a week ago, hey Iwished you would initiate hanging out more and show me you want to come spend time with me, he said, you are bringing up an issue which I can't do anything about right now. He said, nothing is ever good enough for you. You are always complaining and really difficult to get along with sometimes. He said, I enjoy spending time with you but the room is my priority right now. I said, I understand that and I'm not asking you to make me a priority. I'm telling you on the one night you find yourself free from your cousins and work and want to see me, can you not suggest it yourself? And I told him, even I can come drive to you and go back the same night. He said he doesn't want me to waste time driving 45 minutes to hang out for a few hours and then drive back. He said he would miss me and wish I could have stayed back and fallen asleep with him. I don't know if I should believe that! I think it's more that he really doesn't want to see me during the week. He would rather see his cousins. I have given him options, told him how I feel, but nothing is registering.

[mhowe]

He said, I enjoy spending time with you but the room is my priority right now. I said, I understand that and I'm not asking you to make me a priority. I'm telling you

 

And again --- just like the "take the summer to work" and then you get upset when he does....you tell him you are not asking to make you a priority --- but you are in fact, very upset when he doesn't make you #1.

 

And then ---"I'm telling you"....really --- you are telling a grown man how to act.

 

You really need to lighten up.

[penelope13]

he said, you are bringing up an issue which I can't do anything about right now. He said, nothing is ever good enough for you. You are always complaining and really difficult to get along with sometimes. He said, I enjoy spending time with you but the room is my priority right now

 

I am not sure if you are really hearing what he is saying to you, because you are so focused on your own pov.

[Heather Dawn]

I'm late to the game here, but...

 

This is such a self-fulfilling prophecy:

 

1.He's very busy with little down time or money to spare, and...

2.The little down time he has is spent closer to home with his cousins (cousins you dislike, no less), and...

3.This both worries you and causes resentment which, in turn, affects your behavior toward him when you're with him or otherwise communicating with him, and...

4.Now your precious time together has become yet another cause of stress in his life, and...

5.The additional stress you're causing him impacts his moods when he does see you, and...

6.That leads you back to #3

 

It's an ugly cycle that YOU have to break.

[confused8787]

I'm late to the game here, but...

 

This is such a self-fulfilling prophecy:

 

1.He's very busy with little down time or money to spare, and...

2.The little down time he has is spent closer to home with his cousins (cousins you dislike, no less), and...

3.This both worries you and causes resentment which, in turn, affects your behavior toward him when you're with him or otherwise communicating with him, and...

4.Now your precious time together has become yet another cause of stress in his life, and...

5.The additional stress you're causing him impacts his moods when he does see you, and...

6.That leads you back to #3

 

It's an ugly cycle that YOU have to break.

 

I like the way you broke that down, I did not see it as such, but in reality it is a cycle. And how do you break cycles? By not repeating the same mistakes over and over again ... by doing something different. I am not sure WHAT to do differently! I am trying to fill my life using link removed and discovering myself again. But he and the relationship are continuously on my mind. Obviously I am not on his mind all the time, I am not his top priority. I dont need to be the TOP priority but I would like to be A priority if that makes any sense ...

 

For example, he came over Wed night and it was going to be our night together. However, typically on Wed he goes to this regular weekly Wed car meet with his cousins which is very close to my house, hardly 10 mins. So technically he "gave that up" to spend time with me. However, towards late evening his cousin calls him asking him to come to the car meet. My bf says no, he is spending time with me. But his cousin begs and begs etc and says he wants to introduce his gf (future fiance) to my bf (who is the best man). So my bf asks me, is it ok if I go for a half hour? What can I say, no? So he can resent me for it later? I say yes, go ahead, I need to talk to my mom for a while anyways. But in reality he should have had the backbone to say NO. I know that when he is at the car meet and I call him during his time out with his cousins (I wont know he is out until I call), and I ask to see him for 5-10 mins since it is so close to my house, he will FIRMLY say NO. (Partly because he doesnt drive to the meets, his cousins take him, aka saving gas). But still, I could drive to him right for 5-10 mins? He does not budge with me. So Wed night reaaaaaaally pissed me off because he gave in to his cousin. I am trying to let it go, but come on, I get ONE night with him and he has to go for half an hour?

 

But then again I realize when he is out with his cousins at the meet he will ALWAYs pick up my phone calls. Like I said I dont know he is out until I call ...but he does take the time to talk to me for 5-10 mins. Last night I called to let him know I made a last minute trip for this weekend and would not be able to see him ... he was at the car meet and got upset that I made a last minute trip. He said, I am unable to see you because every weekend you keep making random trips last minute. Well its not like he would have anyways, he would be working! He said, well I thought we agreed you were going to keep me company this weekend while I worked (I was supposed to work on my laptop at his house). Regardless, I was so frustrated with all this s**t that I have brought on myself and his irritable attitude that I just needed to get away ... Anyways, then we kept talking while he was at the meet and I said I just need to hear your voice for a few mins and I will hang up. He got really irritated and said, you never let me enjoy in peace. I really want to break my phone one day. I got upset over the comment and said, I didnt know you would be at the meet and I have to go to bed (it was 11:30pm and I work the next day). I had texted him at 6pm to let him know to call me when he had a minute because I had to talk to him about my trip. If I hadnt called at 11:30 when would he have called me?? When he got home at 1am?? Small things are really starting to get to me. I was not like this a year ago.

[penelope13]

You need to stop saying things that you don't mean and then getting upset with him for it. He is NOT a mind reader.

 

Why say he can meet with the cousin on Wednesday when you don't want him to. It seems you are saying these things as tests for him to see how important you are to him. He is showing you that you are important by asking for your opinion and input.

 

Most of your situations read like "i'm telling you xyz, but you should know that I don't mean it actually".

 

You have very fixed ideas about what you consider quality time and him showing you commitment and you are not willing to see things from his point of view. You agree to spend time with him, then change your plans because it's not good enough for you how you spend your time together, and then you are upset with him for it?

 

Are you trying to sabotage your relationship? Well - you are succeeding.

[confused8787]

Hmm you’re right, I do subconsciously test to see how IMPT I am to him ... I have been doing that for a while now and I have realized it. It comes with feeling less of a priority these days and at a time where I am at my lowest emotionally.

Regarding Wed … how could I have said, NO I don’t want you to go?? Would he not have resented me for it later? I said what I said to make him happy, not me happy. I could tell he wanted to go. These car meets bring him a lot of peace. The trip, I agree is passive aggressive and inconsiderate of me to switch up plans last minute. I really just felt he was happier without me (even though he says he isn’t), so I just decided to go away for a few days … he is also getting irritated at the smallest of things these days … I mean did I KNOW he was at the meet last night? I called completely innocent of that fact. He picked up, he chose to talk to me. Then he gets irritated and says I never let him enjoy his nights in peace? Granted, after I knew he was at the meet I should have hung up as soon as I found out. But when he got mad about me leaving for the weekend again I felt the need to justify it and dragged on the convo which pissed him off more.

When I do know he is going out with his cousins, I try my best never to call. I have once or twice before early in the summer but I have fixed that behavior. His nights are his nights, he doesn’t need to hear from me then.

I know how I am, what I need to change, and that I need to do it fast. Nobody wants to come spend time with someone like me, who has something to say about everything. And I never used to be like this, as things got tougher for him, and for me personally, we have been more edgy about everything. He is more irritable and so am I. Is that natural when people are stressed? I normally wouldn’t look back if he took an hour out of our date night to go to his cousin. But these days even that hour is precious time, I don’t get to see him as often and yet I felt obligated to let him go. My goal honestly is to stop making him a priority, stop making our relationship a priority. Obviously it is not one for him. Hence why I am filling up my life with extra activities etc. But letting things go is so hard for me. I take it so personally. I wish I could turn my brain off for a while and just relax lol.

[penelope13]

how could I have said, NO I don’t want you to go?? Would he not have resented me for it later? I said what I said to make him happy, not me happy

 

You could have said: " I don't see you very much at the moment, so I would rather spend that time with you".

 

That is being honest and direct and gives him the chance to decide with all facts at hand. He wouldn't resent you for it, because it would have been HIS decision to stay with you.

 

You are not being honest with the excuse of 'he would resent me for it later, I just look out for his happiness rather than mine". Firstly, since you will resent him for choosing to see them and your reserved right to get upset with him will breed the resentment on his side that you claim you wanted to avoid. Secondly, this whole "I'm looking for his happiness rather than mine" is also dishonest if afterwards you are complaining about being unhappy for your own choices.

 

Your communication with him is so dishonest and causes friction rather resolving differences of opinion.

[confused8787]

I guess I am thinking I need to say what he wants to hear rather than what I truly feel. I wanted HIM to realize that since our time is valuable that he could have met his cousins gf another day ... but he didnt did he? He asked me if it was ok, putting me in the position to make the decision.

 

It comes back to the idea that HE needs to do the thinking, I am tired of doing it for us both. He needs to keep my feelings in mind, our situation in mind. When I told him that I valued our 2-3 hours that night together before bed, he said he valued it too and it would only be for a half hour because his cousin would not stop bugging him.

 

Honestly, if I acted the way his cousin did, begging to see him, you really think he would have relented?? He would have cast me off as being needy, yelled and thrown a fit about how I ruined his night. That makes me resentful. I even brought up this comparison to him, he flared up over it.

[mhowe]

No --- you need to say what you mean, and mean what you say.

He asked for your input --- and you lied and said, "go ahead". So he did. That is asking your opinion. And when you say "fine", then he makes the decision to go.

 

He did do the thinking --- if you had said, "I rather you didn't", then he wouldn't have gone. If he resented it, he could have told you. And so he left for a half hour.

 

You continually project, ask advice ---- and then engage in the exact same behavior.

[penelope13]

You ARE being needy, passive aggressive, and dishonest. - Time to change that!

 

You are NOT thinking for both of you, you are constantly expecting him to think like you do and read your mind.

 

He is keeping your feelings in mind by asking you for input. Instead of valuing it, you lie to him and yourself and then get upset, and still blame it on him.

 

Asking you if it is ok, is asking you for an opinion, not a decision. He would have been able to decide if he wants to go see his cousins or rather spend more time with you if you had given him the opportunity. Instead you tell him to go i.e. you are CHOOSING to make the decisions for him.

[confused8787]

Thats true, I didnt think of it like that .. I could have just said, I would rather spend time with you. But I was afraid he would get mad at me for that. Especially if I had said, we dont spend much time together, I would rather you stay in with me ... he would have taken it in a negative light, like I was complaining about everything again.

 

penelope -- how am I being needy? I have stopped asking him directly for anything, I realize he is out working and then hanging out with his cousins. Nothing I can do to change that right now. There is no way I can make him come see me more often. He needs to want to. My complaining is related to all this, I know, because our time together is impacted and yes I am jealous his cousins get to see him more because its convenient. So yes, I am complaining because I am jealous. I know it isnt healthy in large doses but it is natural is it not?

 

After all, he is someone I want to build a life with. I want to be able to know him more before that, be able to experience things with him. I guess I need to let things go, get out of my vicious cycle or I might never be able to achieve any of this.

[penelope13]

Please stop making excuses for yourself with the 'it's natural what I'm doing'. Have you read some of the examples that I have given how I handled phases when my or my partners life were extremely busy? What I'm trying to show you is that there are different ways of handling your situation than the one you continuously choose.

 

You are being needy by continuously wanting to test him and have him prove to you how important you are to him, but in YOUR terms, not his terms. That is being needy. That is not a mature way of finding a compromise together. Punishing him (by being upset and complaining/nagging him constantly) for not guessing what it is what you truly want, is being needy, because you are trying to force an emotional reaction out of him.

 

Being passive aggressive is NOT being understanding, supportive, or non-needy. - It's actually quite a mean and extremely rude way of interacting with another person and is kind of cowardly by pretending that the responsibility doesn't lie with you but the other person. It is an extremely exhausting way of interacting and communicating. Exhausting for both parties involved.

 

There are different ways of saying "I would prefer to spend more time with you". A lot lies in the delivery and the timing. If being asked what your preferences are and making a simple honest statement "I would like to spend the little time I have with you" is nowhere close to complaining (later when he doesn't have a choice anymore to do anything about a particular situation) "you never put me first and you don't spend enough time with me".

 

Trying to anticipate and prevent the emotional reaction of your partner is also disservice to both of you. State what you want - and let him express his opinion and feelings in response rather than trying to manipulate the outcome and trying to predict how he may react and feel.

 

If you continue to be passive aggressive you will push him away. People don't like having to guess/ figure out what you mean despite what you say. That is way too exhausting and disrespectful.

 

I think you are trying to provoke these arguments and fights with him because somehow you feel that as long as he is still fighting with you that means he must like you and he cares about you. Fights and negative emotions such as aggression can make you feel 'alive'. However it's a very dangerous game. Any moment he can reach the breaking point and say 'enough is enough'.

 

You had a huge chance with the weekend that you initially agreed upon (spending time with him on the weekend, even though he has to work) to show him that you truly understand his need for having to work on the house and you could have made the few hours (the ones he is usually spending with his cousins) that he has available for chilling out really memorable by showing him what an awesome time he can have with you and that you can be a source for him to reenergize. Instead you chose to punish him again for not giving you the impossible ( i.e .spending more time with you than he can currently give) and you chose to spend even less time with him, but blame him for it.

[abitbroken]

y bf says no, he is spending time with me. But his cousin begs and begs etc and says he wants to introduce his gf (future fiance) to my bf (who is the best man). So my bf asks me, is it ok if I go for a half hour? What can I say, no? So he can resent me for it later? I say yes, go ahead, I need to talk to my mom for a while anyways. But in reality he should have had the backbone to say NO

 

No NO NO

 

The best answer is:

 

Him: "Is it okay if i go for a half an hour. I would really like to meet my cousin's fiancee".

 

You: "Oh, I would love to meet her, too. Why don't we both go. It will be fun. we can save dinner for after."

 

This is your way to meet a new person. Maybe she isn't like the cousins. You can introduce yourself and befriend her. It also will put you in a good light with the cousins if it matters. If you take yourself out of "us time" needs to be him sitting at your place and staring at you, you might just have a good time. I think you should go to some of the car meets that are 10 minutes from your house. Make it a date. ask questions. I bet he'd love to escort you around and talk cars to you. Spending "time together" can involve his interests too, you know.

[confused8787]

It isnt that simple. He sees the car meets as guy time. Moreover, the one time I went there were only 2 other girls, both gfs of other guys. We talked but we had nothing in common. I honestly just enjoyed watching the races alone, it was exciting. I left my bf alone to mingle with the guys, altho occasionally he would come make sure I was ok. The other issue is the races are illegal, so every time it is possible that you would have to run from the cops. Literally run to your car and speed off. He didnt want to take me into a situation like that. Plus i dont want to put myself in a situation like that anymore, I have a lot on the line personally. He was telling me he met the fiance, but she too was like me, pretty quiet at the meet and out of place. Its a very guy oriented atmosphere lol.

And we do things that cater to both our interests all the time .. we go to car shows together, I have even gone to the junkyard with him And he sees girly movies, goes to the mall, waits with me while I get pedicures. etc.

 

You know, now that I am writing all this out I realize that maybe I have forgotten the good times amidst this mess we are in (even if I created the mess myself). I wont give myself excuses for my behavior, I will accept that I need to change and I am figuring out how right now ... but his stress HAS affected our relationship, no doubt. We have BOTH let it affect the relationship. Is it normal for that to happen? I get stressed too but I am able to manage it alone ... my emotional issues, that is a different story ...

[mhowe]

Of course stress relationship --- it is how you handle it that will make or break the relationship. You have been given countless examples of how you could better communicate.

 

Your emotional issues are yours to solve....not his.

[abitbroken]

But meeting the cousin's fiancé is totally different! If you guys were similar - you could have been both uncomfortable together and even gone off on your own. If you hit it off after awhile, you could make their "guy night" your time to have girl time and go get a coffee nearby and start to invite the other women (other cousin's girlfriend, a friend of yours).

 

btw, If what he is doing is illegal - how do you feel about that character wise that they are not going to the drag strip but are illegally gathering? How do you feel about for being with him long term? Is he a risk taker in other ways you are uncomfortable with?

 

btw, I figured he was going to car shows and nothing illegal. Its good that you go with him sometimes.

 

Also, when someone is stressed because of work or something like he is going trough it is good not to talk about "I am giving you space" but to just roll with it if its something temporary. When my boyfriend is working extra hard, I don't pester him. I might make him a nice lunch to take to him since he doesn't have time and I don't give it to him thinking he will stop and spend 5 hours with me. If all he can do is give me a hug and a kiss before he collapses - that is what happens. But I do know when he is not as busy, he takes a lot of time to spend with me. Life is not just about the early stages of dating.

[abitbroken]

btw, not everyone has everything in common. That is why you talk to people, show interest in what they are doing - and as you are talking you just MIGHT make a connection. Maybe you like the same weird ice cream flavor. Maybe you both thought about a tattoo and decided against it. maybe you both have moms who were on the track team in school. who knows. find something.

[confused8787]

He's always been a bit awk with the social stuff, my bf is not a social person (he can talk to maybe one or two people but is mostly an observer) and he doesnt know how to do social introductions etc. Over the course of time I have actually helped him with that and he has become a lot better. He honestly prob didn't even think that the fiance and I would get along and he should bring me. He just doesn't think that way. And I didn't ask to go because I can tell that these meets are guy time.

I actually do have an issue with him going to the races. The meets are legal but not the races. You can get a ticket for being a spectator. But it's his choice. I told him to be careful and he usually lets me know if he got home ok. Partly why I get all antsy and stuff when he's with his cousins is because I don't want them to drag my bf down the wrong path. My bf has turned his life around and has stuff going for him. I gently reminded him of that and told him to be careful. That's the most I can do. I trust this is a phase, since what it really is is an adrenaline rush lol.

So tonight since I had some time before my trip, I suggested that he and I have dinner and cuddle a bit before I leave. I told him I would really like that. He was very happy with the suggestion and offered to drop me off at the airport and pick me up. We had a good night. I apologized for being childish about the whole meeting his cousin for an hour thing. I told him I should have been honest that I didn't want him to go but was afraid to. And I asked him if he would have been ok if I had said, no I don't really want you to go, id rather spend that hour with you. He said he would have been fine with it and wouldn't have gone if I had just said so. I also told him I would like to get to know his cousins better when he felt comfortable enough to get us all together. I told him preferably in a non car setting so that I can actually mingle with them. I also said I know I have been really difficult this summer and not as understanding as I could have been and that I recognize it but need some time to work on it. With each mistake I make I am learning something new and will get better at handling my own $hit lol.

Any thoughts on that?

[abitbroken]

He honestly prob didn't even think that the fiance and I would get along and he should bring me. He just doesn't think that way. And I didn't ask to go because I can tell that these meets are guy time.

 

Never assume. If he doesn't "get" the social stuff, then he can't read your mind. It is up to YOU to bring up the idea of going if there is another gal there. He just is used to you not wanting to go. So he doesn't know different.

 

Also, you are saying you are worried his cousins are leading him down the wrong path - he chooses what to do. They aren't leading him into anything. He is doing what he wants to do. He is a big boy. You have to decide if you are okay with being with someone who needs this adrenaline rush and won't do competitive running, skiing, etc, instead for that.