BF is stressed, busy, distant. How do I deal?!

[confused8787]

I give up.

 

>>>>>So do i.

[abitbroken]

No, I do not think you should take a "break" and create drama at the moment. He is not doing anything wrong. If you take a break all you will do is obsess about what he is doing and you will only do it to get a reaction from him.

 

I think that you should get a life and I don't mean that rudely. What do you enjoy besides him? If you bond over cars, is there a "girl's club" that revolves around cars? What about looking at link removed and searching for groups within an hour of you and see what interests you. There are sometimes newcomer clubs for people who just moved to the area, dining out clubs for people who like to try new things, groups for people who want to converse in a foreign language - the activities are endless. When i was new in town again, i joined a club that was a "girls night out" type of group who would pick a play, a music festival, dinner and Christmas lights stroll, a makeover night, etc. Meet as many new people at a time as you can and you will find a group to hang with. If you are a person of faith, i know there are churches with a younger average parishioner that have Bible study for young women, etc, at different people's houses. And you can also make a date with yourself one night a week to do something new.

 

Also, there are a lot of good books to read = good self help books. Codependent No More. I was able to pick some wisdom from the "Boundaries" books - and there are many more. My friend found great benefit in "The Language of Letting Go".

[amipushy]

Seriously girl, you need to grow up, suck it up and deal with your own sh8t or this man is going to dump you. No man can or will put up with a insecure, whiney misery ass indefinitely.

 

And what is going to happen if/when he does dump you? How low will you go? How will you cope without him in your life? Will you blame him or yourself? That is a serious concern and a reason you need to seek some counselling. Things are not right in confused8787's world.

[confused8787]

I think I have agreed that I need help several times now ... I have activities planned but nothing really brings me comfort or peace. I am really dead inside. Trying to revitalize yourself is not an easy task. And my bf spending time with me does not change that. I am going through something and no one here really sees that. Like I said, I was not like this a year ago. Something has changed. And he hasn't been there for me emotionally, not to help me through it but just being there. Relationships are good and bad, he needs to deal with both just like I'm dealing with his mess.

[penelope13]

The kind of help you need, this forum probably can't provide you with. Your issue is not that you don't have activities planned, but as soon as you are at home alone with your thoughts you get anxious and insecure and can't seem to handle it even for a few hours.

 

If you are really crazy busy with things in your own life it's actually great that your partner is as busy at the same time, because you both could focus on what you independently need to be doing.

 

while you keep saying that you understand him and that you are busy too, it boils down to you obsessing about those few minutes, hours, that you are by yourself and if he is not working right in that time frame.

 

since this is a problem with you, no support from his side will be making it easier for you because as long as he is interacting with you, you don't experience the anxiety.

 

thus clinging to the thought of 'it's his relationship too and he needs to step it up' is not really a solution but a band aid

[confused8787]

Yea I was reading about some anxiety issues and I came accross anxious insecure attachment behavior which described my tendencies to the point. I enjoy my work and I love my family. I have a lot to offer this world and it sucks that I cant steady myself. When he is around the anxiety is less pronounced but I still feel empty. My issue is I am portraying his crazy life as him abandoning me when in reality it's not. But that's just how it feels because I have felt abandoned by at least 4-5 other people this year alone.

[Heather Dawn]

You feel "dead inside"? Then you MUST try and realize that the anxiety you feel in regard to your relationship is just one manifestation of a much deeper, more serious psychological problem. You are sounding less and less healthy, in general, the more you write. And it's worrisome because everything you are, from your identity to your mood to the very act of your existing in any given moment is channeled into stressing and suffocating and depending upon this one man who simply can not make you happy if you can't even figure out what being happy means.

 

Maybe you should print this thread out in its entirety and re-read it a few times, or bring it to the therapist you so desperately need to find.

[abitbroken]

Now - how did those people abandon you? Did they naturally do things that had nothing to do with you (i.e. they were a work friend and transferred with a job and only knew you for a few months so didn't keep up the friendship or someone died, or you moved) or was it about you getting way too close and depending on a person and pushing them away by being clingy and demanding? And you are punishing your boyfriend for it.

 

Maybe if you feel so dead, you need to explore that with your therapist or if you have outgrown your therapist, you need to find a new one. I do recommend if you are a person of faith - digging deeper into it. If you are or are not - finding something bigger than you - like being a Big Brother/Big Sister, or in another helper role can make you feel that you have a purpose. I think that part of the issue is that you are away from your family and you are not used to a life where you don't receive constant approval from people at all times.

 

by the way, do you have a roommate? I am guessing no. But having someone living with you like that (not to cling onto, but just having other people around) might help - just seeing someone else come and go.