starrynightz45 Posted August 21, 2013 Share Posted August 21, 2013 We're both 24, and in grad school. We were friends for a while, and then we started dating. We dated for about a month and a half(no sex, he didn't try at all). We did the typical things - movies, dinner, etc. He has a VERY blunt personality and manner of speaking (for example - he invited me over to his home on one date, and flat out told me that he was not inviting me because he was trying to have sex with me, and he was being honest). He does lack a little tact in general, and doesn't seem to work well with or understand feelings.I also knew he had very little experience in relationships. In fact, he's only had 1 girlfriend and the relationship only lasted 3 months. When we first started dating, he knew I'd just gotten out of a relationship and asked what I was looking for. I told him a relationship - and he said it "took him a while to get there and make up his mind" about something like that. Thinking he obviously needed time to get to know me better, I agreed that this made sense. In reality, I think he meant he didn't even really know if he wanted a relationship. Anyways, as far as I could tell, we had a great time together and a great connection. Out of nowhere, he called me one day and said that the way things were going, he felt that it was leading to "something" and he didn't think he could "commit to anything" and didn't want to hurt me. He also mentioned that he really does have feelings for me, and also got me a birthday gift (my birthday was over 2 months away at the time). Since I was shocked, I just said that was fine and got off the phone. For the next two months, I didn't call/text him, and he didn't contact me either. I assumed that most likely, he was just turning me down politely and that he didn't like me after dating me for a while. But since he is so blunt, part of me thought he might have been genuine. Either way, I let it go. Yesterday, the day before our new semester begins, and about 2 weeks before my birthday, he texted me asking which professor I had for some class. I responded, and he sent me photos of 3 of his paintings, asking me which one I'd like for my birthday gift (so I guess he still remembered my birthday). I told him he didn't have to give me anything, but he responded that he wanted to, and that I should accept one of the paintings. So, I said thanks and picked one of the pieces. That was around 11pm on Monday, and he didn't respond to my text until midnight on Tuesday (this is unlike him, he usually responds in an hour or 2 at the most). I sent him a text back tonight around 7pm (yes I intentionally delayed answering because he took so long to responds) and kept it at "ok thank you." I assume he'll have to text back at some point to arrange for us to meet. I'm just confused - I never once contacted him after he told me he didn't want a relationship. He contacted me...and now I can't figure out why? Is he just trying to be friends? Or is he possibly trying to show that he was genuine about having feelings for me, but he just isn't ready for a relationship? I'm confused and not sure what to do. It just seems strange that he'd not only remember my birthday after all this time, but offer to give me one of his paintings. If he was just not into me, then why bother reaching out to give me a gift after 2 months? We weren't really close friends prior to dating. I'm just lost and don't get it anymore. Link to comment
lerenard Posted August 21, 2013 Share Posted August 21, 2013 Hey there. That here - "he does lack a little tact in general, and doesn't seem to work well with or understand feelings" - would be a deal breaker for me. He sounds pretty aware of what he wants or not, but I would run away from a guy like that, because he also sounds a bit off. If you like him as a friend - keep on going, but if you were hoping he will become your BF - look for someone else, my opinion. Good luck! Link to comment
RedDress Posted August 21, 2013 Share Posted August 21, 2013 He's emotionally unavailable. It's not normal to date someone for a while and for them not to want sex. Sex is one of the best parts of a relationship! It's bonding, it's closeness, it's getting to know someone very intimately. He doesn't want this closeness. For him to say that it "took him a while to get there and make up his mind" followed later by he didn't think he could "commit to anything" and didn't want to hurt me - this is code for "I don't want a relationship". Now... whether it's because he's scared and doesn't want to get hurt... or maybe he wants to focus on school... maybe he just doesn't like the closeness a relationship entails... none of that matters. What DOES matter is that you want a relationship and he doesn't. So - it's done. Don't try to change him. All that being said, I don't think any of it means that he doesn't care. It just means that he doesn't want to get close emotionally. He wants to keep you at a distance. Don't over-analyze it. It doesn't mean he wants a relationship now. It just means that he likes you as a person. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted August 21, 2013 Share Posted August 21, 2013 I agree that I think he likes you as a person. He was blunt enough to reject you and then disappear. I suspect he might believe enough time has passed that you can now be friends. Link to comment
starrynightz45 Posted August 21, 2013 Author Share Posted August 21, 2013 Thanks. I'm definitely not pushing for anything and never have at any time. I know it doesn't mean he wants a relationship, but I guess I just didn't understand WHAT it means. Also, if it were me, I'd kind of feel awkward around that person, knowing I'd rejected them. I don't think I'd reach out to give them a birthday gift. So, that also sort of confused me. But I guess it might just be that he "likes me as a person" and so is trying to do something nice, but isn't emotionally available. Ugh. Link to comment
starrynightz45 Posted August 21, 2013 Author Share Posted August 21, 2013 I agree that I think he likes you as a person. He was blunt enough to reject you and then disappear. I suspect he might believe enough time has passed that you can now be friends. Thanks. Yea, it's possible. I'm really not looking forward to actually meeting up with him. I'm not sure what would be worse - if he acted like nothing ever happened, or if he says something and I don't know how to respond. =( Link to comment
starrynightz45 Posted September 4, 2013 Author Share Posted September 4, 2013 Well I sort of have an update. I picked up the gift - he kept it very, very short. Very brief, and was sort of distant with me. I didn't go out of my way to be nice either. A week passed by, and he sent me a text regarding a club we're both part of. In his text, he said that he couldn't make it to the meeting the next day, but asked if I could sign him up as a volunteer for one of the projects we're doing. He said he'd already told his other friend to sign him up (a very close male friend of his), but said "just in case he forgets, please sign me up." I didn't respond until the next day and just said "yea I'll sign you up." He never texted back, which is fine. Now, maybe I'm overanalyzing - but 1. Why bother texting me? The other friend is a very close friend of his, and is a dependable guy. Even if he really did think the friend might forget, he could have just texted the friend again to remind him instead of texting me. Right? There was really no reason to reach out to me about the project sign up. 2. He is NOT the type to volunteer for any projects. All last year, he never once volunteered for a single project, and constantly mentioned that he didn't feel like contributing that much time to the club (he doesn't get along with a few of the members). So now all of a sudden, it's so important to him that he not only asked his friend to sign him up, but also texted me to have me sign him up in case his friend forgot? It just seems out of character. I'm confused. I guess it's possible that he really just texted because he wanted to volunteer (which is totally out of character for him), but again, I see no reason for him to text me when his close friend was 100% going to be at the meeting. Is it maybe his way of somehow keeping contact without letting get any farther? Link to comment
savignon Posted September 5, 2013 Share Posted September 5, 2013 Those things can feel confusing but really the bottom line is he didn't want a relationship at the time and he's not asking for one now. Nothing has changed so don't feel confused. Take his # out of your phone and don't respond until you feel ok with just being casual friends who text every now and again. Link to comment
NorthDallas40 Posted September 5, 2013 Share Posted September 5, 2013 He sounds like someone who is not relationship material but is nice otherwise. He was honest in telling you he didn't want a relationship but is trying to at least be friends by remembering your birthday. Whether you want him as a friend or not is up to you, but cross him off your list of romantic prospects and keep looking! Link to comment
JA0371 Posted September 5, 2013 Share Posted September 5, 2013 He sounds like someone who is not relationship material but is nice otherwise. He was honest in telling you he didn't want a relationship but is trying to at least be friends by remembering your birthday. Whether you want him as a friend or not is up to you, but cross him off your list of romantic prospects and keep looking! I agree with this.. Link to comment
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