Having second thoughts...

[MattW]

So, as many of you are probably well aware, I'm a lonely "hopeless romantic" kind of guy that's never been able to date (and especially have sex). There have only been a small handful of girls I've encountered in my life time that I ACTUALLY wanted to date, but the attraction was never mutual.

 

Over the last several months, I've come to two conclusions. For one, I'm hung up bad on the last girl I actually wanted to date, and I just can't get over her. Secondly, I don't believe it's possible for me to find and have the proper kind of loving relationship I actually need. I decided that the best course of action for myself would be to pursue casual sex/ FWBs, stop thinking about "finding love", and just focusing on deriving pleasure with another person. If I can't have what I REALLY want, this seems like the second best option.

 

I've had zero luck finding casual sex, though. Until a week or so ago, when I got in touch with a (slightly older) woman on a dating site. We got to know each other a little, agreed that we're looking for something more casual, she found out I was a virgin, and while she seemed wary at first, she came around on the idea, and now seems interested in having some fun with me. Everything about this situation is amazingly ideal; we've chatted enough and asked each other enough to the point where she seems to check out. Her schedule is perfect for me. She's on board with "teaching" me. We're supposed to meet up for lunch some time next week, and then the following week, we're supposed to start having sex.

 

The first few days when we were chatting and figuring all of this out, I was very excited and very into it. Now, a few days after we've started pegging this all down, I'm starting to have second thoughts. Deep down, there's still a little part of me that WANTS to believe I can still find something "real", and WANTS sex to be something more meaningful than a "FWB". But I just can't believe in that stuff anymore. This is the best chance I'll probably ever get to have sex, have fun, have an experience with a real person. I feel like I'd be stupid NOT to go through with this. I'm sick of wasting years hoping I can "find love" and have a proper relationship, when clearly that doesn't look to be the case.

 

This is a great opportunity for me, and I should be 100% on board. So why am I having these second thoughts, now? Why am I starting to get cold feet? And more importantly, how do I make it stop?

[mines]

Are you perhaps nervous about exploring the unknown? I think everyone is nervous/anxious about their 1st time, but the thing is, after the 1st time, it takes a huge amount of fear/nervousness away because it's no longer an unknown factor.

 

I myself will still experience nervousness if it's a new partner.

 

Many times the '1st time' will be spontaneous, hence, no time for cold feet, second thoughts, nervousness. In your case you've set a tentative date, and have put a plan in motion. Like anything new/unknown with a date set in the future (no matter how close/far) you now have time to be nervous and re-think things. I do the same with marathons, haha.

 

Seriously, you are both on the same page (ie; wanting something casual) it won't hurt to meet her for lunch. See if there's any chemistry there (for me even if 'only' a FWB - there still needs to be huge chemistry). See how you feel after having lunch with her.

 

Good luck, keep us posted!

[emma34]

Interesting, you call it a great opportunity, I see it as a major let down. Now a days it's very common for people to think of sex as just sex, but ya know, for some people, it is in fact making love, and you shouldn't have to settle for anything less just because you feel this internal pressure to get laid. My fiance was 27 when we started dating and I didn't know he was a virgin when we had sex. He also was quite picky with the ladies. Oh and there is nothing wrong with him, he's an attractive wealthy lawyer...who also happened to not want to settle for anything less than the real deal for his first time having sex, and also didn't have a lot of "game" with the ladies (we met online). He's explained to me now that he went through similar feelings...wanting to just get it over with, wanting to have casual sex to sorta take off some of the pressure...but as much as he wanted that, there was a sense of disappointment that came with it...

 

I lost my virginity at 15 and while I don't regret it, it certainly wasn't anything special. My fiance thought I would like him less if I knew he was a virgin at the time and that cannot be FARTHER from the truth. I am so pumped to be the only girl that has got with him (and will ever)...for me, it makes sex so special....while I am plagued with baggage from ex relationships and ideas about how sex should be, he's a blank slate and I love that.

 

I have another friend who lost his virginity to a hooker at 26...his bros bought it for him as a gift...??? weird.

 

I don't know if you want my advice because I'm a woman and I know it's different for guys....but I say if your gut is telling you this is not right...than it probably isn't.

 

People have different ideas about sex and you should do whatever feels right for you. Just be safe. Sometimes love comes along when you least expect it...don't lose faith.

[MattW]

Interesting, you call it a great opportunity, I see it as a major let down. Now a days it's very common for people to think of sex as just sex, but ya know, for some people, it is in fact making love, and you shouldn't have to settle for anything less just because you feel this internal pressure to get laid.

 

Well, let me just put it out there that I'm not particularly concerned with the whole "virgin" aspect, itself. It's not a "I have to get rid of this!" kind of thing. I'm just lonely, and I want to experience what it's like to be with someone. Like I said, I always wanted it to be a more "loving" experience, but I feel like I'd be better off getting away from that mindset and looking at it for what it is: a physical act two people do to make each other feel good physically.

 

I don't know if you want my advice because I'm a woman and I know it's different for guys....but I say if your gut is telling you this is not right...than it probably isn't.

 

I have no problem hearing your input at all. I can't really trust my gut feeling, though, because my "gut" tends to be very nervous and jittery, and usually my gut ALWAYS tells me that a new experience is "not right". So I can't really listen to it, otherwise I'll never do anything.

 

People have different ideas about sex and you should do whatever feels right for you. Just be safe. Sometimes love comes along when you least expect it...don't lose faith.

 

I don't WANT to lose faith in the idea of love, but I just can't keep believing in it anymore. While I know I'm not the only 24 year old guy to have never dated at all, it's still not exactly normal, and it tends to set a bad precedent for the remainder of my years. Sure, some people luck out, but the fact that I'm 24 with zero experience with dating at all means "love" most likely isn't in the cards for me. If I can't have what I really want, I might as well have some fun.

 

I just wish I could get completely on board with that notion, and stop having second thoughts. v_v

[SA_Guy99]

As a man who suffers from social anxiety and was a virgin until weeks shy of my 27th birthday... DO IT! The best thing I ever did for my dating life is have sex with the woman I did for the first time. I met her online, she was a year or two older than me and she was willing to help me out in my situation. Like you, I had second thoughts going in, but I did it anyway and it definitely helped out with the limited dating experience I've had since. While losing your virginity won't help you meet more women, it will give you the confidence with the women you do date in the future, that you will know what to do if and when it becomes physical. (Yes, the fear of sex while I was a virgin stopped me from trying in a lot of dating situations.) I followed that short fling up with a great FWB relationship with an older woman who was simply amazing in the bedroom. Our situations didn't allow for us to begin a real relationship (she's done having kids, I want to be a dad one day) but we continued to enjoy ourselves until we both found others we wished to pursue a relationship with. I learned so much from her and believe it or not, we remain friends today even without the benefits.

 

There is a difference between "just sex" and "making love". I've done both. There is no harm or shame in just having sex while you can. If you are just looking to lose your virginity, I highly recommend getting it over with, but I would not consider a hooker or an escort. Paying for it is on a different level than finding a woman who is willing to show you how it's done! Just be safe.

[emma34]

It sounds to me the reason you are not on board is because you are settling for something that you don't necessarily really want just because you have given up on love. Maybe i'm wrong...

[MattW]

It sounds to me the reason you are not on board is because you are settling for something that you don't necessarily really want just because you have given up on love. Maybe i'm wrong...

 

There's probably a lot of truth to that, but not much that can really be done about that, yanno?

[annie24]

hi matt - i think it's good you are meeting her for lunch first - get to know her and see if you feel comfortable having her as your 'teacher.' if you don't feel comfortable with her, you can keep meeting her, or turn her down.

[Batya33]

Agree with Annie and I would only do this if I were you if you accept that you are in complete control and you have complete responsibility for whether you find a good match for a long term relationship. If you tell yourself that you're some kind of victim of circumstances or of your own social or emotional issues then you're being dishonest with yourself and you won't get much positive out of casual sex with a near stranger. And yes I fully believe that part of finding the right person requires luck and timing but only a minor part and often it's all about being proactive and choosing to be a healthy person who wants a healthy relationship. Forget about your past so-called failures as some sort of excuse for being unhappily single now -you've made a number of self-sabotaging choices especially recently all of which cause you to forego opportunities to meet either women or women and men who are "taken" but might introduce you to women who are available.

[blueidealist24]

If I was you, I wouldn't do this but since you are a guy, it is a lot safer for you than for females. I think you should just go to lunch with her, but don't commit to anything, even in your mind, about sex yet. What if you think she's creepy and therefore you don't want to have sex with her? Or she looks way different than you imagined? Remember that if you go to lunch and you decide to bail out of the whole plan, that's your decision. Same if she bails. Neither of you owe each other anything.

[MattW]

I mean, I'm not trying to play a "victim", or anything. I just feel like the world has shown me that I can't find the type of person that I'd really want to be with and would really feel something for, and on the extremely rare case I do find someone like that, I'm not able to attract them to myself, even when I'm at my absolute best. Maybe it sounds like I'm playing the victim, but I'm not trying to spin it that way. I'm just seeing the writing on the wall, and I'm trying to do my best to accept it for what it is, and accept that what I REALLY want just isn't possible for me.

 

"Meeting people" is something I've always struggled with, continue to struggle with, and probably will still struggle with for many many years. And even when I do find myself meeting new people, there's just never any kind of connection there. Going this long in the position that I'm in really takes a toll on a person. I won't deny that it's all my fault for being unable to overcome my various issues, but it's taxing, it's stressful, it makes my heart hurt. Part of me hopes that just having flings with any random woman I can find will ease those feelings of stress and heartache.

[Batya33]

"I just feel like the world has shown me that I can't find the type of person that I'd really want to be with"

 

That is a victim statement but the rest was not -good for you! I am sorry you are having problems making connections. I think that having sex with a stranger will increase your feelings of stress and heartache as you put it because it will underscore how much you're settling.

What you really want is more than possible.

I also think you're far too passive about "I meet people but there's no connection there" - sure, you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you meet the right person - but I think you play a big part in why there's no connection -connections are not like a car wash you take your car through -doesn't just wash over you -sometimes yes, most often no.

[MattW]

I think that having sex with a stranger will increase your feelings of stress and heartache as you put it because it will underscore how much you're settling.

 

I've always wanted to find a partner for a "proper" relationship that can stimulate my mind and my emotions, and the physical stuff secondary. But that person simply doesn't exist. Or, if she does, she won't be attracted to me for one reason or another. The way I see it, if I can't be someone's "boyfriend", I might as well indulge in just being a "lover". Perhaps I can at least be good at that, and if nothing else, I can get SOME stimulation from another person, even if it's just physical.

 

To be honest, I'm one step away from just investing in prostitutes. If it weren't illegal in most places, and if I weren't too paranoid of getting caught, I'd probably already be giving that some serious consideration. Perhaps if I have to pay someone to be with me, well... so be it.

 

What you really want is more than possible.

 

No, no it's not. At this point, it might as well be a fairy tale. The number of girls out there that I would be personally attracted to is astronomically small as it is, so the chances of me finding them is frustratingly tiny. And if/ when I do find them, there's always going to be a guy that's "hotter" or "cooler", or "funnier" or "more experienced" or whatever, there's always going to be a guy right that's more attractive to her than I can ever be.

 

Maybe my various issues don't exactly help me, but honestly, I don't feel like resolving them would open more doors for me "romantically". Best case scenario, it would just help me learn to accept not having it. Besides, my issues are so out of control that I don't even think it's possible to fix them. If I haven't been able to fix my problems, and make a better life for myself by now, when I'm almost turning 25, chances are, things are looking pretty bleak for me for the next several years, if not longer. This is my life. I'm just trying to adapt and work around it.

 

I also think you're far too passive about "I meet people but there's no connection there" - sure, you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you meet the right person - but I think you play a big part in why there's no connection -connections are not like a car wash you take your car through -doesn't just wash over you -sometimes yes, most often no.

 

I don't even really understand what this means.

[Batya33]

"I don't even really understand what this means." - What I mean is you have this expectation that "connections" just happen - sometimes they do and sometimes they take more work on your part or the other person's part to develop a connection.

 

I think you're assuming that you can separate the "physical" part and "indulge" in that part from the totality of a relationship and achieve pleasure from the physical stimulation. I don't think you will -and certainly not in the aftermath -because you're not being true to what you really want - a relationship isn't compartmentalized into "emotional" and "physical" -it's a big ole mishmash.

 

As for the rest look back on your old threads if you care to because you've received a lot of input on your fatalistic/passive views and opinions about your situation.

[blueidealist24]

If you're considering investing in prostitutes, then I think you should go through with this FWB/sex buddies thing, if it's really a choice between the two. I would never recommend going to prostitutes.

[MattW]

If you're considering investing in prostitutes, then I think you should go through with this FWB/sex buddies thing, if it's really a choice between the two. I would never recommend going to prostitutes.

 

Well, I didn't mean I'm currently giving it serious thought, but that seems like the next natural progression, with the path I'm on now. I don't know where things will go with this FWB woman, but who knows what I'll have to resort to to find my next sex partner after she and I are done?

 

"I don't even really understand what this means." - What I mean is you have this expectation that "connections" just happen - sometimes they do and sometimes they take more work on your part or the other person's part to develop a connection.

 

No, I know that. I give people a chance, and I try to be as personable as I can towards them. I just don't particularly end up connecting well with people.

 

I think you're assuming that you can separate the "physical" part and "indulge" in that part from the totality of a relationship and achieve pleasure from the physical stimulation. I don't think you will -and certainly not in the aftermath -because you're not being true to what you really want - a relationship isn't compartmentalized into "emotional" and "physical" -it's a big ole mishmash.

 

But I'm already disconnected emotionally; I don't find any girls I'm attracted to that way, so all there really is is "physical". Like I said, I feel like it's in my best interest to learn to focus on the physical. I really don't think I'll ever find the emotional bond I really want. I don't see it as a reasonable possibility at all. I'm down to this or nothing, pretty much, and if that's my choice, I think I'd rather have this.

 

As for the rest look back on your old threads if you care to because you've received a lot of input on your fatalistic/passive views and opinions about your situation.

 

Eh. Honestly, I think I must be too stupid to understand/ apply any of that stuff, though.

[Batya33]

"But I'm already disconnected emotionally; I don't find any girls I'm attracted to that way, so all there really is is "physical". Like I said, I feel like it's in my best interest to learn to focus on the physical. I really don't think I'll ever find the emotional bond I really want. I don't see it as a reasonable possibility at all. I'm down to this or nothing, pretty much, and if that's my choice, I think I'd rather have this."

 

And my point is that you can't separate emotional from physical in how you're attempting to -since you're a person whose goal it is to have both in a relationship. If you honestly only wanted to have sex then I would have a different opinion. You can't make yourself learn to focus on the physical and if you're going to put in that kind of effort- then put that in to focusing on getting the whole package. You're not "too stupid" as you wrote - you simply choose not to do the work because it's easier to make excuses and stay in your comfort zone. Don't take the easy way out -do the work. Having sex is not the easy way out - you might pay dearly for the couple of minutes of physical pleasure.

[MattW]

What I'm getting at, though, is that "doing the work" doesn't necessarily pay off. At the end of the day, even after "doing the work", I could still end up with nothing. There's no guarantee there, and it still comes down to having to "hope for the best". I just can't hope for or believe in that kind of thing anymore. Like I said, for me, that's all just a big fairy tale.

 

At least with casual sex, there's a guarantee, because even if I can't find a FWB, I can always resort to sinking low enough to pay for it. I don't have to "hope it's out there", because I know I can find that somewhere.

 

How I feel after having casual sex is irrelevant. My emotions don't matter. What I really want doesn't matter. All that matters is what I "can" get.

[blueidealist24]

There's a chance you will find one experience of casual sex is enough to "tide" you over until you hopefully eventually find a relationship, since it seems like it's curiosity about what sex is like that is driving you a bit here. I don't think it would be so difficult to find an FWB that you would have to resort to a prostitute. If things don't work out with this woman, there are probably at least a few other women out there who would be willing to sleep with you. IMO, finding an FWB is way easier than finding a relationship, since people don't insist that their FWB be compatible with them in nearly every single way.

[MattW]

Perhaps, but to be honest, before this woman, I'd been having a LOT of trouble finding a casual sex partner. I didn't know how to approach that kind of thing out in the real world, so I resorted to using Craigslist and "adult" dating sites. I must've written to dozens of women over the last few months, placed my own Craigslist ads a number of times, and none of it ever materialized into anything. I was pretty much getting ready to give up on all of it, when this woman popped up on one of the "adult" dating sites I was on, and one thing led to another. I'm not putting pressure on things with this girl in a way that I feel "This HAS to work out!", but at the same time, if it doesn't work out, I don't know that I can even push myself to keep looking for it elsewhere. There's only so much "rejection" one can take. Honestly, before I decided to start looking for just sex, I spent a lot of time trying to use online dating sites to meet someone to date properly. If you combine the number of girls I've written to both on those, and while pursuing casual sex, I've probably attempted to chat up and get something going with nearly 100 women, and out of all of them, this current chick is the closest I've gotten to anything at all. Those are pretty soul-crushing statistics, to be honest.

 

I like the sentiment that maybe this will be enough before I "hopefully eventually find a relationship", but let's be real, that's never going to happen. If I were capable of finding mutual attraction and having a normal relationship, I would've had at least one by now. I'll never be the guy that a girl I'm attracted to wants to date and be with. So maybe I can at least be the guy that some girls will get in bed with a few times. Maybe that should be "good enough" for me. I just wish I wanted that more... To be honest, I think the biggest "fear" I have with this casual sex stuff is how I'll feel afterwards. That's the more terrifying "unknown" to me. As it is, I'm only halfway on board, and I just kind of worry that that sort of thing could mess with my psyche a bit. I dunno.

 

To be honest, I haven't written this woman in a couple days, because I was hoping she'd tell me a place she wants to meet for lunch, but she kinda asked me to do that, and I don't get out nearly enough to know any good places to go. I feel like an idiot, because I have no idea what to tell her, and if I tell her the truth, I'd worry that she'd start having second thoughts about getting with me, since I'm too stupid to even know any good places to go to lunch with a woman. v_v

[Iggles]

No, no it's not. At this point, it might as well be a fairy tale. The number of girls out there that I would be personally attracted to is astronomically small as it is, so the chances of me finding them is frustratingly tiny.

 

Then it's time to give serious consideration to lowering your expectations. You sound very "all or nothing" when it comes to the type of girl you'd want to date. So much so, that few girls ever pass your filters!

 

I'm not taking about physical attraction. I'm talking about having an open mind regarding personality. You don't need to date your mirror twin. In fact, most people would find that boring. The most passionate relationships happen between people who are similar in a lot of ways, yet are different in ways that complement one another! How about going out with girls who have 70% of what you're looking for instead of disqualifying them right off the bat?

 

Check out this link removed, regarding how attraction IS A CHOICE.

 

From the post:

A second approach is to keep one’s original standards of beauty intact, but begin to search out other qualities, like humor or kindness. Either we start to value a lack of perfection, or we alter the degree of importance that we assign to certain attributes.

[Batya33]

What I'm getting at, though, is that "doing the work" doesn't necessarily pay off. At the end of the day, even after "doing the work", I could still end up with nothing. There's no guarantee there, and it still comes down to having to "hope for the best". I just can't hope for or believe in that kind of thing anymore. Like I said, for me, that's all just a big fairy tale.

 

At least with casual sex, there's a guarantee, because even if I can't find a FWB, I can always resort to sinking low enough to pay for it. I don't have to "hope it's out there", because I know I can find that somewhere.

 

How I feel after having casual sex is irrelevant. My emotions don't matter. What I really want doesn't matter. All that matters is what I "can" get.

 

No, there is no guarantee -for any of us. Why would you think there was? Once again if all you are looking for is to have sexual intercourse then yes I can basically guarantee that there will be a woman who will consent to having intercourse with you. I think that that experience is so so very far from what you are hoping for even in a casual encounter that I think resorting to that will do far more harm than good in the long run (and I'm not even thinking about STDs when I write that but that's another downside of course). The fairy tale here is you believing that what you need is to have intercourse.

[MattW]

Then it's time to give serious consideration to lowering your expectations. You sound very "all or nothing" when it comes to the type of girl you'd want to date. So much so, that few girls ever pass your filters!

 

I'm talking about having an open mind regarding personality. You don't need to date your mirror twin. In fact, most people would find that boring. The most passionate relationships happen between people who are similar in a lot of ways, yet are different in ways that complement one another! How about going out with girls who have 70% of what you're looking for instead of disqualifying them right off the bat?

 

To be fair, that's what I do look for, though. There are certain key similarities that I consider to be "must have", but beyond that, I do look for differences that will equate to complements. The issue tends to be that I don't find very many girls that have all of those key similarities that are important to me, most are missing one or two, but that's enough to tip my scale of attraction.

 

For instance, there was a girl in high school I probably could've dated. Me and her were very very similar at the time; sweet, shy, quiet, nice, and both of us were the type that would just blend in to the background. I could've dated her, and it probably would've been okay, but yes, like you said, that would've been boring to me, because we were too similar.

 

I've since been working on "coming out of my shell" a little better. Sense of humor and general outlook are both very important to me; I, myself, have a very sarcastic, snarky sense of humor, and when I can, I like to sort of mess with people and play with them a little. I don't find very many people in general that share my sense of humor and my outlooks, let alone girls, and that's an issue for me because I need someone that I can make laugh/ smile, and I need someone that understands and reciprocates that kind of thing, too. I'm also drawn more to girls that seem more mature and grown up, because even now, I still feel like I encounter a lot of girls in my age range that have slightly immature tendencies that put me off. I also prefer women that are 100% themselves all the time; and again, I feel like many many people have these slight "masks" they put on to the rest of the world depending on where they are or who's around.

 

That's why I was (and continue to be) hung up on the last girl I liked. She and I have the exact same sense of humor, exact same outlooks on life, she's very mature and grown up, and she never goes through any kind of great lengths to "mask" herself, she just is who she is, 100% of the time. At the same time, she's more outgoing and extroverted than I am, but not enough that I don't feel I couldn't keep up; this appeals to me because it makes me want to push myself to get out of my comfort zone more often. I'm more of a relaxed, passive kind of person, and she's more "aggressive" (I use the quotes because I don't mean it in a way as in "aggressive = mean or violent"), which I feel balances out. She's more decisive and forward thinking, I'm less decisive and more interested in examining the different options. That's just scratching the surface, really.

 

That's what I want, in a nutshell. I don't want to date someone that's exactly the same as me, because that would mean they have my same flaws, which I don't want. There are, however, some key similarities that are very important to me, and I just can't feel personal attraction to someone that doesn't have those qualities.

 

The fairy tale here is you believing that what you need is to have intercourse.

 

I'm not saying I "need" to have sex, nor am I suggesting that it would make all my problems go away. My assessment basically boils down to this... I WANT to be with another person. I WANT to be with someone that stimulates my mind and my emotions first, and stimulates me physically second. But I no longer feel that's a reasonable possibility for me. I don't believe that the mental/ emotional connection I'm looking for is possible, or if it is, it won't lead to a mutual attraction (meaning, I'll be attracted and she won't). But I still want to be with someone; so I'm trying to force myself to learn that perhaps "being with someone" doesn't have to be a mental/ emotional thing, like I want it to be. Perhaps it can just be purely physical, and that can be okay. I've tried to find the "mental/ emotional" connection for several years, and I've had zero success, and I don't believe it's out there for me anymore. So it seems only natural to try seeking out a "physical" connection next; I'm doing that now, and while it doesn't feel quite "right" to me, it's something, and in my mind, it's better than not being with someone at all.

 

In other words, I believe finding someone I actually care about and share a mutual attraction with and can have a nice proper healthy relationship is a "fairy tale"; it's a nice idea, and I'd love to believe in it, but at this point, it's just too "out there", and unrealistic. On the flip side, I can have sex if I really want to. I may have to resort to "icky" means to do so, but I can do it. Maybe it's not what I REALLY want, but what difference does that actually make? What I REALLY want isn't a possibility, so what's the harm (STD risks aside) in settling for something I want less?

[jonny15]

If you get the opportunity to have sex, you should go ahead and do it. Because you never know if the next opportunity will ever present itself.

[Batya33]

"I'm not saying I "need" to have sex, nor am I suggesting that it would make all my problems go away. My assessment basically boils down to this... I WANT to be with another person. I WANT to be with someone that stimulates my mind and my emotions first, and stimulates me physically second. But I no longer feel that's a reasonable possibility for me. I don't believe that the mental/ emotional connection I'm looking for is possible, or if it is, it won't lead to a mutual attraction (meaning, I'll be attracted and she won't). But I still want to be with someone; so I'm trying to force myself to learn that perhaps "being with someone" doesn't have to be a mental/ emotional thing, like I want it to be. Perhaps it can just be purely physical, and that can be okay. I've tried to find the "mental/ emotional" connection for several years, and I've had zero success, and I don't believe it's out there for me anymore. So it seems only natural to try seeking out a "physical" connection next; I'm doing that now, and while it doesn't feel quite "right" to me, it's something, and in my mind, it's better than not being with someone at all.

 

In other words, I believe finding someone I actually care about and share a mutual attraction with and can have a nice proper healthy relationship is a "fairy tale"; it's a nice idea, and I'd love to believe in it, but at this point, it's just too "out there", and unrealistic. On the flip side, I can have sex if I really want to. I may have to resort to "icky" means to do so, but I can do it. Maybe it's not what I REALLY want, but what difference does that actually make? What I REALLY want isn't a possibility, so what's the harm (STD risks aside) in settling for something I want less?"

 

Because it's apples and oranges. If what you really want is what you wrote above then intercourse won't have any meaning or be "the same but less" and it may do true harm to you emotionally. It's not like having frozen yogurt instead of the full fat ice cream you really want (although to me that is just as bad lol). Having intercourse in your situation is not "being with someone" -are you "with a nurse" because she takes your blood pressure? Are you "with" the people who wash or cut your hair at the barber shop? Yes, intercourse can be part of being with someone and yes, intercourse is technically being "with" a person if "with" means physical contact. I don't think that's what you think you're settling for. That's why I used the term fairy tale to describe what you're planning even though you used it for a different purpose.