Great guy but I am having doubts

[dark angel9]

So we have been dating for a month or so. I am female that is 34, never married and no kids so I am kind of running out of time. I rarely meet single men in my age group. Over the last 1-2 years, I have dated a number of douches that treated me poorly, most from dating sites.

 

I am losing hope and then I meet this guy. He treats me better than anyone. Romantic picnics, keeps in touch a lot but is not clingy and seems like a good, kind, honest person. However, I don't feel that natural spark with him. While I enjoy spending time with him, I have no desire to touch him... I do go through the motions but it feels almost empty.

 

My problem is that I am not exactly in a position to be picky. I want to get married and have a family. He really likes me. I am scared that the decision to end it with him is the one I will end up regretting. I am not as attractive as I once was. I see many women my age settling down like this because of ultimate goal of having children. Can I do that? Can I grow to love him?

 

Can someone wiser give me some advice?

[Sparklesong]

Slow down and just enjoy your dates with him. Shut off your ticking time clock and stop telling yourself that your time is running out. That's just putting more stress on yourself about the whole situation.

 

You're probably just a little burnt out after a couple years of douche dating, so your subconscious mind is saying, 'oh gawd, not again." Just slow down, take each date for what it is, a date, nothing more. Maybe one day, when you keep seeing what a nice guy he is, your mind will settle down and you'll start feeling the spark. Let it develop slowly in a more mature fashion. You're probably just used to feeling instant spark and fireworks and then having it crash when the guys turned out to be jerks.

[Ms Darcy]

If you do not feel like kissing him in the next date or two you should end it. You both deserve better.

[LoveSoDeep]

First off..."Douche Dating"...hehe that is a perfect phrase for what a lot of us ladies go through. I love it.

 

Back tot he OP. I know how you feel taht time clock can be so loud in your head sometimes....and there are twothings going on here...he's a great guy which you haven;t had in a while, but you have "no desire tot ouch him"....ouch that's pretty severe. I mean there are different levels of "feeling the spark" and thats way down there on the scale. I think you need to get the clock out of the equation and really focus on him and what you like about him. Do you find him attractive? If so and he is doing really sweet thigs for you and you like ohim on other levels I would give it a little more time. I wouldn't go so far as sleeping with him to see if that helps....but just give it more time to see if anything changes. If it doesn't then unfotunately it's time to move on b/c you want kids...how are you going to have kids with aman you don't even want to touch? That's just not going to work on so many levels.

 

I think I was where you are last year with a guy...super nice we always had fun.... but kissing him was like a time warp back 8th grade it was like neither of us had a clue what we were doing ( but I know at least I do so I felt really awkward)....and it was just "meh" I wasn't into it at all....we ended up breaking up and I returned to "Douche Dating." I know it was the right thing to though.... it just wasn't there with him.

[mfan]

Suppose you've eaten nothing but ice cream, fatty meat, and soda for 32 years and then you switch to nothing but vegetables, pure fruit juice, and whole wheat cereal. Naturally it will seem foreign at first it will take quite a while for you to get used to it but does that mean you should break up with it and go back to something known to be unhealthy? No. Stick with it until you're used to it, and expect it to take a while to get used to it. Getting used to something that's good for you is good for you.

[tattoobunnie]

I laugh at this. My friend once called her guy when they had been only dating for a few months, "jealous and weird", and they break up, and talk again, and suddenly her heart melted, and totally hot and in love for him - still happily married for 5 years now. Weird, right?

 

Treat him like a friend, and get to know him. And you're not running out of time.

 

Have you guys kissed yet?

[lavenderdove]

Have you guys actually been intimate? How long have you been dating him? People can grow on you, but if you are 'repulsed' by him physically i'd pass on it. But if it is just a case of you're not sure, then you probably should get intimate to see if the spark can be ignited, or realize you can never really get interested or would be repulsed by him. It is not fair to marry him under false pretences then cut him off sexually once the kids are born.

[lavenderdove]

yeah, and if you have a taste for 'bad boys' then this is a habit you should break and learn how to be with a normal guy rather than need the high drama you get from a bad boy to be attracted.

[Reflective82]

In early dating I quite often am not sure....and then over time it grows and I suddenly become really into them. I would not give up yet

[bulletproof]

I am female that is 34, never married and no kids so I am kind of running out of time.

 

Over the last 1-2 years, I have dated a number of douches that treated me poorly, most from dating sites.

 

I am losing hope and then I meet this guy.

 

My problem is that I am not exactly in a position to be picky.

 

I am not as attractive as I once was.

 

Honestly, I'd be more concerned about the fact that you are so casually making these statements about yourself. Your self-esteem sounds incredibly low. That's probably going to make any relationship difficult, regardless of who the guy is.

 

Maybe approach this dating situation more casually, as some have suggested, and work on yourself so you can feel better about who you are as an individual (minus the potential marriage and children).

[rocko123]

While I enjoy spending time with him, I have no desire to touch him... I do go through the motions but it feels almost empty.

 

Whatever else you do, stop doing this ^^^ until you have a good bearing on whether or not you really want to continue on with him. Speaking as one of the good ones (not a douche dater), it really sucks to put yourself out there, have physical advances reciprocated half-heartedly, and then have the person say down the road, "I don't have romantic feelings for you."

 

Your mind, your heart, your words and your actions need to be in agreement at some point. Until then, stop sending mixed signals. If he asks why, say you're working things out in your head.

 

And call me a cynic (another symptom of dating) but based on your description, I doubt you'll develop the kind of feelings you're hoping for him. Sometimes, it might look good on paper but it's still not a love connection.

[Jimbly]

In early dating I quite often am not sure....and then over time it grows and I suddenly become really into them. I would not give up yet

 

This is so true. The first 2 years I knew my ex-ex, I was not physically attracted to her! Then I did become a little attracted to her (but no fireworks), we started dating, and as our 2 year relationship progressed, I got more physically attracted to her as I fell more in love with her. I've never had that with anybody before, which is why it was so hard to recover after she BU with me.

 

With the the girl I am currently dating, we talked a lot online and on the phone before actually meeting due to crazy schedules. When we did go on our first date, I wasn't strongly attracted, but our second date went really well and I felt a lot more attraction. I am excited about date number 3! I really think that as I get older (40 now), the emotional connection strengthens the physical connection. So if everything else is great, I agree you should give it more time.

[Stay_home]

Honestly, I think your problem might be that you've become so accustomed to dating jerks that you're having a hard time functioning without having one around. After all you did admit that you've dated a number of them. Yet, along comes the right guy for you and you won't even bite.

[Ms Darcy]

She actually has noted in past threads she has dated guys who are more into her than vice versa. I think OP you noted that you got really annoyed and critical with him and eventually the relationship ended. Be ware of 'trying' to settle and making you both miserable.

[dark angel9]

At the same time, I don't want to have unrealistic standards. I almost never like anyone so I do wonder if there is something wrong with me.

[Stay_home]

At the same time, I don't want to have unrealistic standards. I almost never like anyone so I do wonder if there is something wrong with me.

 

Hopefully that's not the case and you just haven't found the right one. Sometimes when you have too many morals or too many standards that can be a bad thing too.

[Ms Darcy]

The way to resolve that is definitely not by dating someone you make so miserable he dumps you after a few years. Big waste of your time.

[LoveSoDeep]

I think in most cases the 80/20 rule applies like it would here. If you like 80% of his qualities and this question in you mind about physical connection is really only 20% of how you feel about him or less then it might be okay....anything over 20 (or for sure 25) and you're going to end up feeling like you settled and you'll begin to resent him.

 

There a difference between compromise and settling you need to compromise a little but there's tipping point where a little compromise becomes settling and once you pass that point it's not going to work.

[dark angel9]

The way to resolve that is definitely not by dating someone you make so miserable he dumps you after a few years. Big waste of your time.

 

Yes that was the case with my long term ex that I lived with. I remember provoking fights with him all the time. Looking back, it's only because I settled and I was so frustrated and unhappy, I made him unhappy too. Has he not dumped me, I would have probably married him and we both would have had miserable lives. Thank God he dumped me. I never even missed him, I am sorry to say.

[dark angel9]

As for new guy, he is picking me up tomorrow morning and we are spending the whole day together. I am still giving it a go at this stage. I will see if there is any spark at all and how well we get along when we spend long stretch of time together. We only had few hour long evening dates so far.

[dark angel9]

After spending a whole day together which I enjoyed, I really didn't feel any physical spark. He was holding hands and kissed me but it just felt wrong

 

I have now made up my mind to end it. I am not sure if saying "I feel no spark" is hurtful or if I should say that I am too busy to date (which is also true but it wouldn't stop me if I was really attracted to the guy).

[lavenderdove]

If it feels 'wrong' to just hold hands and kiss, then you really aren't sparking on him for whatever reason. Some people just make better friends than lovers, because the mechanics of attraction are complicated and can be both emotionally based and biochemically based in that research does show that genetics and pheremones can play a large part in sexual attractions. We tend to be attracted more to people who are genetically unlike us as apparently hybrid vigor applies to the mating world and carries value there.

[dark angel9]

If it feels 'wrong' to just hold hands and kiss, then you really aren't sparking on him for whatever reason. Some people just make better friends than lovers, because the mechanics of attraction are complicated and can be both emotionally based and biochemically based in that research does show that genetics and pheremones can play a large part in sexual attractions. We tend to be attracted more to people who are genetically unlike us as apparently hybrid vigor applies to the mating world and carries value there.

 

Yes, it's really hard to touch him at all. Which sucks because he has so many qualities that I like. But without the physical part, he is really no different than a friend. Easy conversation and an enjoyable time is not enough. He is not a bad looking guy, the attraction is just not there.

[Ms Darcy]

Then just be honest with him. "Busy" is not really a helpful response. And it is not honest.

[Batya33]

After spending a whole day together which I enjoyed, I really didn't feel any physical spark. He was holding hands and kissed me but it just felt wrong

 

I have now made up my mind to end it. I am not sure if saying "I feel no spark" is hurtful or if I should say that I am too busy to date (which is also true but it wouldn't stop me if I was really attracted to the guy).

 

 

I think you are making the right decision. I wanted marriage and family very ,very badly but nevertheless walked away from a number of spark-less relationships and I'm so glad I did. My 4 year old is clamoring so I will write more later (I'm almost 47!, married at 42)