How do I bring myself to finally break up with her?

[XD0055]

So I met this girl who I've talked about in previous posts.

Everything about her is perfect. We like the same things,

have interesting conversations, I even went to prom with her

where we had our first dances with the opposite sex. She's

also the first girl I've kissed for it to be anything meaningful.

And I dunno all of our dates just happened so perfectly too.

It was like something you'd see in a movie. Only thing is I'm a virgin and she isn't.

I can't bring myself to accept her past and move on.

 

She noticed one day that something was bothering me. She pretty much made me tell her

and at first she told me that now it bothers her and she wishes that she'd have saved herself for me,

had she known it'd be an issue in the future. She told me she likes me a lot and dosen't want us to stop talking, as I don't either.

I tried my best to reassure her that its an issue I have and that it dosen't have anything to do with her. And yet she still feels bad about it. A couple days after,

she told me she wanted to talk about it again. This time she took a more defensive approach, chewing me out

and telling me that the past is the past, there isn't anything we can do about it, which I agreed with her because I realize that.

She even went as far as telling me that me wanting a virgin is unrealistic and is unlikely to happen.

At that moment, I wanted to hang up the phone right then and there because I found that highly offensive for her to just

shoot down my values but I listened anyway. She also told me how she dosen't regret it. Essentially in a way that sounds like

shes sorta saying she'd do it again, in contrast to what she told me at first, that she'd change it if she could.

 

And now I've sorta been depressed about it. I like her a lot and its rare to find a girl like her.

I dunno, she's just so unique. But I also don't want to be in a relationship and be chronically depressed about

something that can't be changed. I've done research about men that feel this way and it seems as though these feelings

never really go away. I was raised to what until marriage and I feel like I'm the only man in the world who has chosen to do so.

So I've come to the conclusion that it's probably best to let her go instead of hurting us both over something that will never be different.

So I think I'm gonna just talk to her for a little longer as I'd like to at least see how many virgin girls I can find before I make my decision to

leave her. I don't think I could quit her cold turkey anyway, my feelings are already to deep but I realize the longer I stay, the harder it will be as well.

[VivianSmith]

She slept with other people BEFORE she even knew you existed, you can't hold that against anyone really.

 

She's also right. Most women don't save it for marriage, the ones that do are usually the fugly girls that didn't have an option in men.

 

Also, the LONGER you wait the OLDER you'll be and the HARDER it will be to find a "virgin". I mean obviously while you are a teenager it's easier to find a virgin, but if you are in your late to early 30s, they are pretty much all gone by then.

 

You already spend so much of your time on this girl and by your own words she's perfect for you except for that.

 

Also, you saying " So I think I'm gonna just talk to her for a little longer as I'd like to at least see how many virgin girls I can find before I make my decision to leave her."

 

That's really phucked up, I think this girl can do without you in her life.

 

It's obvious that you are insecure in yourself and don't like the idea that maybe she was with someone, bigger and better than you.

 

One last thing, HOW would you ever know if the girl is telling the truth ? Unless she has kids, there is NO way to know for sure if she is a virgin or not. She could have slept with 8-80 guys and then tell you she's a virgin and you would NEVER know, so the fact that this girl told you the truth about herself means you should respect that not punish her for it. She's been faithful while she's been with you and that's all that counts.

[XD0055]

I think its far too easy for you to say that if you haven't been in my situation.

There are a couple ways to tell but its not like that at all though... I don't worry about someone being bigger and better.

I'm pissed the **** off that I wasted 20 years of my life for something that won't ever happen. I was raised

to wait until marriage to have sex and I don't think its far that so many people just throw their virginity away like its nothing.

I'm not judging her at all, you have it completely twisted. Not a matter of insecurity but a way I was raised and to have been raised a certain

way and suddenly realize the way you've been raised is a lie and isn't reality is heart breaking.

 

And I don't see anything wrong with it, I didn't say I was gonna cheat on her.

But I don't want to break up with her, end up in a worse situation and regret breaking up with her.

[catfeeder]

So I think I'm gonna just talk to her for a little longer as I'd like to at least see how many virgin girls I can find before I make my decision to

leave her. [...]

 

From someone who claims to have values, this is offensive and hypocritical.

 

Either her past is a dealbreaker for you, or it isn't. If it is, respectfully break up now and stop wasting her time--and you have no business even dating any woman who is not a virgin.

 

If it's not a dealbreaker, then get over yourself. Every woman has a history--nobody has busted straight from the womb as fully formed virgin material for you to adore.

 

Tell the next virgin you meet that you've been leading on a perfectly fabulous girl who doesn't meet your standards--then see what she thinks of YOUR 'morals'.

[DN]

Your values are your values but there is zero need to make her feel bad because of them as if she is some kind of promiscuous woman. If you want a virgin, then try to find one but don't make people feel bad, or string them along, simply because they don't share your values.

 

You owe her an apology. A big one.

[XD0055]

It wasn't like that. I had no intentions to string her along.

I thought that it wouldn't be an issue but it turned out to be an issue.

I don't think I owe anyone an apology because I didn't willingly do this.

You can't help the way you feel...

 

I've said this before but I honestly don't think you guys help at all.

Isn't that supposed to be the point of this forum? To help people solve their problems?

But all you do is lash out and chew the **** out of anybody it seems...

[VivianSmith]

To Mathew Malone

 

If she isn't with the guys or guy she slept with in the past, then it's "out of sight out of mind". It's like it never really happened. Kind of like going to an amusement park, yeah you have a good time, but after you leave and it's been months... you forget all about it and you kind of forget the feeling of being on the roller coaster. I've slept with two guys, and honestly, if it's not currently happening at the moment... it's like it never happened at all, I just don't even think about it, ESPECIALLY if I'm with someone new whom I'm attracted to.

 

Have you kissed other women in the past ? Well, how would you like it if you start to date a girl who won't touch you and resents you and then breaks up with you JUST because you kissed other women in the past.... pretty stupid right ? And DO NOT say that a kiss is not intimate because that's more intimate than sex, in fact prostitutes will give a guy a bj and have sex with him, but FEW of them kiss the men, that's how personal a kiss is.

 

Anyways, about the few women or girls you've kissed in the past (even if it's just one other girl you kissed) do you really even think about that ? Do you feel anything for them now ? Do you even remember and feel anything from that time ? Or is it just out of your mind ? The past is just that... something that's NOT coming back.

[XD0055]

Yeah I've thought about comparing it to a kiss but its still so much different...

Maybe I need to see a shrink... Apparently, I'm pretty ****ed up in the head at least

according to you guys... Giving up your virginity is a much bigger thing, at least the way I see it.

To let someone enter you...

[XD0055]

When you have sex, there is nothing more you can give that person. They have recieved your whole body. If hes not satisfied with your sex, he'll leave because in the back of his mind he is saying "She gave me everything but I dont feel different. It was just like that other girl." I guarantee you will regret it. If you have true love then wait until marriage. Dont feel obligated to have sex just so he can stay. A relationship is so much better when your a virgin because you havent given your all to one guy and the doors are still open. Only one guy on this earth is meant to have your body. Sex is the ultimate form of love and you should do it with the only guy you will truly love and thats your husband. Doesnt it show true love when you waited for that one guy? You wont have to worry about anything.

 

At least thats how I feel about it.

[Cherry009]

It wasn't like that. I had no intentions to string her along.

I thought that it wouldn't be an issue but it turned out to be an issue.

I don't think I owe anyone an apology because I didn't willingly do this.

You can't help the way you feel...

 

I've said this before but I honestly don't think you guys help at all.

Isn't that supposed to be the point of this forum? To help people solve their problems?

But all you do is lash out and chew the **** out of anybody it seems...

 

I think you just dont like hearing the truth. people arent here to solve your problems, people are here to offer you advice, whether you listen or take offence is upto you.

 

I really think you should listen to what people are saying here. You are living in a dream world if you think losing your virginity and staying with that person is likey to happen, whoever raised you like that has broughtyou up in a false sense of reality. Most people dont stay with the person they lost it to, if they do then lucky them but generally that is not the case. Open your eyes and realise that you have an amazing woman in front of you, if you end it because she has had sex before then you are a fool. What if you met someone who u thougt was 'the one' and lost it to her and then she left you, would you expect every woman you met after that to judge you? No!! Welcome to the real world.

[offplanet]

There are actually lots of people who for religious reasons wait unti marriage for sex, marry within their faith and stay together monogamously. I don't see why it's thought to be so unrealistic. I've known quite a few. I don't think you should stay with this girl because you'd be judging her and finding her wanting which wouldn't be fair on her. She's done nothing wrong and shouldn'lt have to defend herself.

[nutbrownhare]

If this really is a deal breaker for you, then you need to end the relationship. It isn't fair on either of you to continue it.

 

My concern is that your values may become less idealistic with more experience of the world, and then you will have huge regrets about letting this girl go. In the meantime, the virginity seems to be more of an issue than the person herself - and that is a BIG problem. You need to tell her that you just can't cope with things the way they are, and that you need to move on.

 

Keeping her hanging on while you look for 'virgin girls' before leaving her, though, is monstrous - calculating and cruel. It's ironic, the way you regard her previous relationship as being immoral, whilst having no qualms about using her and disrespecting her in this fashion. How would you feel if someone dated you for the heck of it whilst secretly looking around for a richer guy, say, or one who better fitted their aspirations?

 

You are being grossly unfair to her on a number of levels, and you owe it to her to leave her to find someone who will accept and love her just the way she is - whilst you go and find someone who will love you just the way YOU are.

 

Good luck!

[VivianSmith]

It looks like this is effecting you to the point that you won't forget about it so you have only one option left, end it now.

 

Honestly she deserves someone that isn't going to hold that over her head for the rest of the relationship.

 

You say that having sex is having someone "inside" you or letting them enter you. Same with a kiss, and you share their saliva, it's ALL personal.

 

How was this girl suppose to know she was going to meet you ? Maybe if she'd known she would eventually meet you she would have saved herself. She is with you now and she likes you so you can either accept that or leave her to find someone who loves her for her (mistakes/experiences and all).

 

She was HONEST with you about having slept with someone else in the past when she could have KEPT it to herself because that's no one's business actually. However, she made the decision to let you know and you reward her by being resentful ?

 

Also, I'm not even sure if you asked for "details" of her encounters (I'm guessing you probably did) and now that makes you feel grossed out in a way and somehow see her

value has lowered as if she's cheapened herself by letting someone else be with her in such an intimate way.

 

I don't see how you can get over those feelings, so you will need to find yourself someone who is a virgin. This girl is giving you all she has to offer you but if you don't want it then let her be with someone who does.

[PrettyGood]

Well if her innocence is higher that those unique relationship, then you don't deserve her at all. Be in standard relationship with girls who are not that unique and never had sex with anyone. Then you will have relationship with their innocence, not personality. Don't waste any more of her precious time. Maybe her youth is also more higher for her than your materialistic physical desires. Period.

[catfeeder]

It wasn't like that. I had no intentions to string her along.

 

Right. You didn't mean it when you said you'd keep her around while you shopped for a virgin...

 

You didn't intend to use a first and last name on these boards, either, eh?

[offplanet]

Right. You didn't mean it when you said you'd keep her around while you shopped for a virgin...

 

You didn't intend to use a first and last name on these boards, either, eh?

 

 

If you are using your real name here it's not very good to her considering you've told personal stuff about her.

[Capricorn3]

I've said this before but I honestly don't think you guys help at all.

Isn't that supposed to be the point of this forum? To help people solve their problems?

But all you do is lash out and chew the **** out of anybody it seems...

I disagree. I do think that everyone HAS been helping you, but you are not willing to listen to the advice you have been getting. We may not always manage to solve people's problems, but all one can do is advise as best as they see it. If you choose to ignore and not take on board anything being said, that's fine, but it is very unfair to say that all members do is lash out and not help just because you don't like hearing what is being said.

 

If it's a deal breaker for you that she has had sex in the past, then end it. There's no point in carrying on with her if it causes you such grief and is unfair to her. In future, if you find out a girl is not a virgin, then don't get involved with them at all, if it is so distasteful to you.

[XD0055]

Yeah I realize my name is on here...

I connected via Facebook....

But its statements like this that just insult and don't make the situation any better...

 

Tell the next virgin you meet that you've been leading on a perfectly fabulous girl who doesn't meet your standards--then see what she thinks of YOUR 'morals'.

 

It could be replaced with a non-insulting phrase that means the same thing.

Such as.... I believe that you don't realize how great of a girl you've got. I think thats a bit hypocritical or whatever your trying to say...

 

But now I'm getting off subject...

What is the best way to let her go and get over her?

Thats the whole original post and question I came up with that you guys seem to have

forgotten that I've asked.... I imagine its gonna hurt me and probably her a lot but I want to leave it open for another shot

if I somehow "man-up" one day and realize it was a mistake and want to give it another shot and can deal with what will probably

be a even bigger past... Hence the reason I started not to ask about her past. Ignorance is bliss. But she ended up telling me details I didn't ask for but yeah...

[Clio]

Hey Matthew,

 

Some scattered thoughts:

 

First of all, I think people need to remember how most of us probably started out our sex life being very dogmatic about our beliefs regarding relationships and then life's experience taught us otherwise and has changed the way we thought. Right now you haven't had the life experiences that would help you understand what people are trying to tell you and what you wrote can sound quite dogmatic hence the tone of the comments you have received. Both you and them are acting like that having valid reasons. Please take a deep breath and relax. Noone here knows you and how you came to think this way so it is nothing personal.

 

I actually lost my virginity quite late in life. And my parents being my role model had a lot to do with it. My parents had the great fortune to be one of these couples who met at 18, were each other's first and made it to the present being as strong as ever. It took me a lot of time and heartache to realise that this is the exception and not the rule and that waiting for sex/keeping or losing your virginity had absolutely nothing to do with having a successful and happy relationship.

 

I appreciate how hard it is to let go of your values as they serve as road signs in our life journey. In my opinion you can not force yourself to change your values but it is always a good idea to reevaluate them and to be open to the idea that you may change your mind one day and that is perfectly ok. You are not your parents and you are not leading their life. Hence, the values that served them well in their life may not be as good for you. And you should not blame them for that either. They provided you with a starting point and with time, you are supposed to find your own way and decide on your own values.

 

Many young girls start out their sex life thinking along the very same lines that you think regarding sex i.e. They value sex as the greatest act of love and they would really like for things to work out and to stay forever with their first love. Your girlfriend was probably the same way once but things did not work out. Unfortunately, life does not work this way for the vast majority of people. People rarely stay together forever with their first sex partner. This is because relationships are hard and sex is only a very minor part of the love equation. You need to be very aware of the fact that even if you find a virgin and marry her that will have nothing to do with whether you will have a happy and successful relationship/marriage. Respectful and open communication, trust and acceptance of each other are much more fundamental than virginity.

 

You say that you really like your girlfriend and that you seem to be compatible in many ways. You have a good time together. These are not things to underestimate. Sex only lasts for a few minutes of the time you spend in a relationship. The huge amount of the time spent is outside the bedroon, so being able to have interesting conversations and having a good time is huge!! In reality losing your virginity is only a moment in time. It is just the loss of ignorance regarding an experience. In addition, you need to be aware that sex is also an activity and as all activities it requires practice. Due to your ignorance, the very first times will be awkward regardless of who you chose to be your partner. You will not know what you are doing. Having a person who has had some experience with it can actually be a good thing.

 

Right now you have not experienced sex and being something uknown to you, you have given it epic proportions in your mind. When you experience it you will probably be able to see things differently and understand better what people are trying to say to you. I did.

 

It might be a good idea to reevaluate your ideas regarding what virginity really is to you. You need to be aware that among other things it is the ignorance/inexperience of an act. Sex can range from love making to just an act and virginity does not play as an important role as you have been taught or think. Of course, having not experienced sex for yourself makes things difficult in terms of understanding the other side. The fact that you are listening to other peoples opinions is a great starting point. Good luck with whatever you decide!

 

P.S. In my opinion you should first take some time to evaluate the things you learned here. Be clear yourself and 100% sure about the reasons you want to break up with her because 1) you will be asked about it 2) once you break up, the dynamics of the relationship will change forever - the bond of trust and good will you have right now will be broken and there is not going back. If you still want to break up with her after that, the best way to let her go is to have an honest and respectful conversation with her face to face in a quite place as soon as possible. Try to answer her questions as best as you can without hurting her. And do your best not to lead her on. As for getting over her, that recquires time and no contact.

[catfeeder]

Yeah I realize my name is on here...

I connected via Facebook....

But its statements like this that just insult and don't make the situation any better...

 

Tell the next virgin you meet that you've been leading on a perfectly fabulous girl who doesn't meet your standards--then see what she thinks of YOUR 'morals'.

 

It could be replaced with a non-insulting phrase that means the same thing.

Such as.... I believe that you don't realize how great of a girl you've got. I think thats a bit hypocritical or whatever your trying to say...

 

I'm glad you didn't 'like' what I had to say. It struck a nerve for a reason. You can't have it both ways. Either you're concerned with ethical behavior, or you're not. You seem to have no problem judging others--right down to editing the comments you receive--but what about your own?

 

Putting yourself in shopping mode and treating a woman as someone to be toyed around with then traded in for a newer model to suit your own purity fantasy is egotistical and manipulative. You claim to not want to hurt her, but you already have--and she has every right to be angry for trusting you enough to confide in you, only to be sidelined with a goal of casting her off IF you can round yourself up a snowy pure fantasy.

 

The girl did nothing wrong but trust you with her honesty, and you're being deceptive about your intentions. That's no 'better' than any degree of 'sin' your ego would project onto the girl, and she deserves no less than a respectful breakup--and right away.

 

If virginity is important enough to you, advertise on a dating site specifically for a virgin and screen out the rest of the human race. Anything less is a misrepresentation of your motives--and there's nothing 'pure' about that.

 

But now I'm getting off subject...

What is the best way to let her go and get over her?

Thats the whole original post and question I came up with that you guys seem to have forgotten that I've asked.... I imagine its gonna hurt me and probably her a lot but I want to leave it open for another shot [...]

 

No, you don't get another shot. You don't get to manipulate people like that. If she's not 'good enough' for you, then she's not your match. Period. She deserves someone who is crazy about her--and who's capable of viewing her through the right lens. That's not you, so stop making it about you.

 

The best way to let go and get over her is to get over yourself first. Respectfully tell her that you're not ready for this relationship, and you respect her enough to free her to find someone who's right for her.

[Blue_Skirt]

Your values are your parents’ values really. You are young and you have not had a chance to develop your own values with respect to sex and that is fully understandable. You are having your first girlfriend and you are now confronted with different values and because they are different than yours, they are not good. That’s a logical thing from your point of view. But you will learn in life in general that people will always have different values, different ideas. But that does not mean that all these people are bad people, because they have different ideas and different values than you do. You might even pick up some of these ideas and they become yours. Becoming an adult and growing up means also defining your own set of values. And these can change over the years, it’s an ongoing process.

 

So you have no right to “judge” you girlfriend. She was probably raised with a different (read: not bad) set of values. If you can’t get over her past, and that is perfectly fine, then just break up the relationship. You need to do more soul searching, you need to find out what is important for you. And I do believe there are girls who are still virgin, you just may have to look into a different community. And maybe you find one, but she has other traits that you don’t appreciate, so you may come to the conclusion: ”What’s all this virgin thing about?” But it also may turn out to be a perfect match, well, good for you!

 

I was raised in a way that you will only have sex with your future husband or the father of your children. So pre-marital sex was “allowed” but it was preferred that you would wait at least 1 year after you got to know someone. I was also brought up with the idea that you don’t touch a man, give him a hug or a kiss during the day or show too much affection, but then turn him down for sex at night. So I grew up with the idea that men are ticking bombs, that get off if you touch them, that men only want to have sex, that that’s all they can think about.

 

In our family, sex was taboo, we would not talk about it. I had no sexual education really. There was no internet when I grew up, so I could not educate myself and I would have been too ashamed to go to the public library to find a book about it. There was this “sin” thing around sex in our family. And unfortunately I have been sexually abused by my older brother during a long period of time. That added to the feelings of sin, shame, guilt and embarrassment that I had developed towards sex.

 

Over the years I have developed my own values with respect to sex. For me it’s about loving each other, caring for each other, giving and receiving, respecting and trusting each other. Thinking about it respect and trust comes first actually. I have had 2 long term relationships in my life and that’s exactly the number of sex partners I had. I have been dating a couple of guys/men and have been fooling around with one of them and that’s it. Personally for me it starts to get messy if I can’t count my number of sex partners on my 2 hands anymore. That’s my value that I apply to myself. At my age (that sounds old, I know, lol) I could not imagine to have a relationship with a man that never had a serious long term relationship, but a lot short term things. Or with someone who was bragging how easy he could get girls. I would not judge that person, but it would just not be a fit for me.

 

So speaking about values, I don’t think it is fair to keep your girlfriend on hold until you find a virgin. Step up, be a respectable man and break it off. Good luck!

[XD0055]

Yeah, theres some good stuff here.

I really thought about it and I have noticed with myself a have a tendency to

freakout and obsess about stuff to the point where I start thinking irrationally.

I'm actually not sure if I want to even let her go anymore. I haven't talked to any other girls besides ones I'm just friends with...

Perhaps I have some sort of anxiety issue cause it happens with a lot of other stuff too but anyway, I feel like I just wanna ride out the

relationship a little further to see if I can get over it cause at this moment, I just miss her more than anything. Right now I don't care

about her past, at this moment as much.. But after telling her how I felt that day, she's becoming more distant, I've noticed.

Which is understandable. She doesn't want me to just stop talking to her one day. So I guess she's slowly removing herself from the equation...

I want to make this work so I'm considering putting the effort into this to "reprogram" my way of thinking, if thats even possible.

I mean but I don't judge her. I never told her that her view on sex is wrong or anything. I simply told her how I feel that it just bothers me...

[XD0055]

 

I never said that she was confused.

I don't understand how I'm being selfish?

If I didn't care about her, I wouldn't even bother to try and get help.

Right now I'm getting by on the fact that she's never "made love".

[catfeeder]

But after telling her how I felt that day, she's becoming more distant, I've noticed.

Which is understandable. She doesn't want me to just stop talking to her one day. So I guess she's slowly removing herself from the equation...

I want to make this work so I'm considering putting the effort into this to "reprogram" my way of thinking, if thats even possible.

 

This is great news, and I'm really glad that you invested some time and patience to reflect and consider rather than defend.

 

The outcome of your decision is less important than how you get there. I realize that sounds bizarre, but it's true. The means to an end is crucial, and it makes no sense to hold up an ideal while blowing apart your own private foundation to keep that ideal raised.

 

Yes, you can 'reprogram' anything about your own thinking, habits or behaviors that you wish--those are the only domains within your control. Other people will never conform to your wishes, but they will certainly respond to you and reflect what you put out. If you make deliberate choices every morning about the quality of acceptance and compassion you intend to deliver that day, your behavior and speech will follow that intention. This will reduce any tendency to ruminate, because your focus is set on a much larger goal.

 

If the goal is to find good companionship and love, then view yourself through the lens of a good companion--and offer others the love you'll find for your Self through that lens.

[XD0055]

Well, where do I start?

I thought more about it today and the thought of lost time bothers me most.

As I feel a bit under-developed for my age as I've gone without sex whilst many people have done it a lot.

It does make me feel a little intimidated and a bit disappointed just because I may never what its like to have sex with a virgin. But thats getting a bit off subject.