Back on the Horse: Part 2

[rapunzel]

Here's my exceedingly long and maybe boring story:

 

 

 

So this guy I dated for 6 weeks, we'll call him D.M. (disappearing man) stopped contacting me in February. I made a couple attempts via email, the last one being a few days before Valentine's day, to which he responded quickly but then dropped the ball and chose NOT to respond back to me. I let him go despite my disappointment.

 

I tried dating other people, no sparks. Kept thinking about him, unfortunately. He had expressed a desire to come to one of my public events back while we were dating but he could not attend the one at the end of January. I told him the next one was not until April. Then we stopped dating. So last week, after about 2.5 months of No Contact, I sent him an invite (a flyer about the public event) via email with a very brief nonchalant greeting. He responded that night with a "hey, I was just thinking of you and was going to ask when your (event) was..." He said some other stuff, said he thought he could "very well make it" and hoped to see me. He asked for some details about the event, which I emailed him the next day. No response. This seems to be his pattern and I was not sure if he would show.

 

So this past weekend (Sat. night) he showed up with a married male friend. He arrived early and purposefully stayed late (3 hours total) so he could videotape a particular segment of the event that focused on me and uploading the link to his personal youtube page. He was very friendly, seemed very happy to see me, kissed me on the cheek when we greeted each other, and I spent some time chatting with his friend and him - it was very easy, fun, comfortable. He offered some assistance with a personal issue I've been dealing with and I came home to an email he sent after midnight saying how great it was to see me, with the youtube link and his asking me for some details about my issue so he could contact someone he wanted to offer to help. When he left, he gave me a *very* warm and longish hug and he had that little smile on his face that men have when they like you (I don't think I was imagining this). His vibe was different - he was sweeter, more relaxed - from when we were dating, maybe because the pressure of being on a date was not there.

 

I wrote back to his email a day later (yesterday) and thanked him for coming, we email bantered a bit about my issue and his person he suggested I contact. Without going into a lot of personal detail, I am not sure I want to use his person. I have not responded to his last email as I don't want to appear too eager and I don't want to look like I am in pursuit of him. My friend agreed this was OK since in one of the prior emails yesterday, I thanked him for coming, for sending me the youtube link and for offering help.

 

Thoughts? Would a divorced man who I previously dated come out to MY event on a Saturday night if he just wanted to be "friends"?

[ParisPaulette]

Yes, he would. In fact, although I know you probably don't want to hear this, it sounds like all this guy wants is literally to be friends. The fact that he just disappeared on you when you were dating should tell you he is not relationship material and unless he's calling you up to ask for dates and pursuing time with you exclusively he just isn't interested in a full-blown relationship. If you had not reached out to him first or if he'd had something else to do would he have shown up? It's not all that likely, but since you did and he had nothing else planned he probably thought why not. It's more likely he's friendly with a large group of men and women and is equally happy to accept invitations from many different people as he explores all of his options as a single guy. Sorry, I'd put this one on the shelf as nice friend of the more casual variety and keep looking elsewhere. He is clearly just not that interested in anything beyond friendly behavior.

[rapunzel]

Hmm...I guess you could be right. If it were me, and a guy I dated but did not want to continue dating invited me, I probably would not show up because I would not want to mislead him and potentially open up a can of worms.

 

If that is the case (he just wants to be friends) then admittedly it is a bit of a letdown but I feel a bit better about seeing him again and not wondering if I had done something to turn him off. At the least, he likes me enough to come to my public performance, to send me a video clip and offer help with a problem. That feels better than a complete disappearance, never to be seen again.

 

Any men want to weigh in?

[rapunzel]

Anyone? I am just hearing crickets...

[quirky]

If it were me, and a guy I dated but did not want to continue dating invited me, I probably would not show up because I would not want to mislead him and potentially open up a can of worms.

 

'If it were me..' It is so difficult to not think this way. But for the guy maybe all he thought was, got an invite, she wanted me, ego stroke, free tonight, why not?

 

Maybe he feels bad for disappearing. Maybe it was nice to feel appreciated tonight. Maybe he's had a few bad dates recently and he remembered you were nice.

 

At this point I don't think you should do anything more because he disappeared initially and you were the one to invite him now. It's up to him to pursue if he wants anything more, don't be too soft.

[rapunzel]

'If it were me..' It is so difficult to not think this way. But for the guy maybe all he thought was, got an invite, she wanted me, ego stroke, free tonight, why not?

 

Maybe he feels bad for disappearing. Maybe it was nice to feel appreciated tonight. Maybe he's had a few bad dates recently and he remembered you were nice.

 

At this point I don't think you should do anything more because he disappeared initially and you were the one to invite him now. It's up to him to pursue if he wants anything more, don't be too soft.

 

Thanks. I have been fighting urges to invite him to something this weekend but thankfully I haven't done it. He has not responded to the last email I sent on Weds. night thanking him for offering help with his person but that I was going to stick with the people I've already been using, for various reasons. No response. So did he take that as some form of rejection or non-interest from me? I was very friendly. Who knows? I can't stand email only communication and that's all I ever get from this guy. All I do know is that he is active online, ostensibly trying to set up dates with OTHER WOMEN and clearly, as of yet, he's not trying to schedule any time with me. So I've taken the plunge and put up a photo (I HATE doing this) on the online dating site we met on and I've yet to complete the new profile I have.

 

I'm sad and disappointed as it seems like years go by before I meet a guy I click with. He probably did come to my event for an ego boost or maybe out of curiosity to see if there was anything "there" or yes, because he remembered I was "nice". The way he behaved towards me that night definitely indicated something was there but maybe on his end he just considers me a "friend".

[lavenderdove]

You've made MANY overtures to allow him to date you/be in a relationship with you, and he's not taking them.

 

And you shouldn't minimize the fact that he just disappeared on you, then re-appears and doesn't even discuss why he did that.

 

So i think you should just stop contacting him. And frankly a disappearance when someone has been dating you is really rude, and you just taught him that he can treat you badly and you're right back there again willing to be his doormat and put up with bad behavior. He may be someone who likes having lots of women in his harem where he rotates them in and out periodically, or he may just want to be friends or FWB, but the bottom line is he treated you badly, disappeared, and with no explanation of why he cut you off. This isn't a man you want to be friends with, and he certainly doesn't want you as a GF or he wouldn't behave this way.

 

Cut him loose and focus on finding a man who is fully present, interested, and who treats you well rather than badly. This guy isn't that person!

[rapunzel]

Thanks LD. I am not going to contact him again, I realize it won't get me anywhere. Regarding the disappearance, I know what you are saying... completely. I have thought about this a lot and have done a fair amount of research on this increasingly common phenomenon. Apparently women do it as well but not nearly as much as men. I think this is because men are normally the pursuers and women get used to learning ways to diplomatically reject men so they will leave them alone. Men, not being used to being pursued by women which is increasingly common now, perhaps don't have enough practice on how to reject a woman and they don't like the idea of hurting a woman's feelings so they take the easy way out and disappear.

 

This is not letting him off the hook. I just don't think some men have these skills fully developed as women have. And men have certainly their fair share of complaints on women behaving badly in the dating realm.

 

I'll get over this one, I got over the last one. Sigh. It's OK, just disappointing.

[lavenderdove]

Don't make excuses for him and don't defend him either... this was a man who was physically intimate enough to get naked and sleep with you, but not willing to be emotionally intimate enough to just let you know he's changed his mind and doesn't want to date you anymore? Frankly that is so rude of him, and it doesn't matter whether he's a man or a woman or anything else, he just sulked away into the night like a thief who stole your intimacy for a while then sneaks out when he's had his fill.

 

It's not about him 'not wanting to hurt your feelings,' it is about him being too cowardly to face you after making empty promises to you and raising your expectations only to disappoint you. A decent person wouldn't do that...

 

So he is both rude AND spineless!

[rapunzel]

Thanks. Just for the record, we did not "sleep" together - yes, there was intimacy. You are right, it was rude of him to disappear. But he did not make empty promises to me, he did not lead me down a primrose path. I was a willing participant and did not ask "where is this going?" or anything regarding exclusivity. He did not raise any expectations, those were mine alone based on my own desire to have a relationship, not just a bunch of dates that went nowhere. And no, we did not discuss any of this - I felt it was too soon and it would be construed as pressure. So live and learn, maybe it is necessary to have that discussion. Not defending him, just making a clarification for the record. ;-)

 

 

Don't make excuses for him and don't defend him either... this was a man who was physically intimate enough to get naked and sleep with you, but not willing to be emotionally intimate enough to just let you know he's changed his mind and doesn't want to date you anymore? Frankly that is so rude of him, and it doesn't matter whether he's a man or a woman or anything else, he just sulked away into the night like a thief who stole your intimacy for a while then sneaks out when he's had his fill.

 

It's not about him 'not wanting to hurt your feelings,' it is about him being too cowardly to face you after making empty promises to you and raising your expectations only to disappoint you. A decent person wouldn't do that...

 

So he is both rude AND spineless!

[quirky]

The way he behaved towards me that night definitely indicated something was there but maybe on his end he just considers me a "friend".

 

I have a guy actually saying he wants a relationship with me and is still lazy. Some people are just not aware and like the idea of things rather than the reality of it. Now the fact you can only contact him by email and that he is active on the site dating other women..that is bad news no?

 

I know how rare and epic it is to find someone you click with. The guy I mentioned above was the only guy I liked after my ex. I remember we went through a similar time with our previous BU and I know how much you struggled. But you are focusing only on the bits you like with this new guy whereas there are aspects of his personality that are not great. I think if you do anything more you will look desperate. I really understand how you feel but some things are out of our control. For whatever reason he is not mega interested and it's not your job to convince him or find ways to show him how talented and amazing you are (I fall into that trap myself). Hope you feel better.

[Ms Darcy]

You have to be careful with those "I cliqued with him" guys. What it often means is that they are magnetic to women (often due to their physical attractivess and or personality). So there are about seven other women feeling the exact same thing about "your" guy ... if not more.

 

I have come to realize that quite a few guys know almost instantly if you are the one. There are a series of quirks they want in the woman they go for. Just an opinion of course but possible. Why would he pass you up unless he is not feeling it with you?

 

Sorry Rap. You will heal.

[Batya33]

I agree that he is not "that" into you - he is into you when it's convenient and fun for him. Please don't take that personally. Seriously. I agree with Lavenderdove including not to waste another second analyzing or comparing his behavior to anyone else's let alone based on gender or how dating is now.