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Too ugly; Like women outside my race; Can't find love

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I'm 31, single, very very bashful and shy, not attractive and I have never had a girl like me "that way." I must've had crushes on 100 girls/women, only to be disappointed because they don't find me physically attractive.


I am very attracted to women outside of my race. It's just my preference. I am so so lonely right now, and I hate seeing guys with girlfriends while I am all alone! I have a wonderful sense of humor, girls think I am funny and sweet but they don't like me as a potential boyfriend because I am not attractive enough. I have crushes on so many girls, but they all fall for my friends because they're handsome!


There was this one time when my friend invited a few of her female friends over to hang out with me. I was quiet and bashful, but I made a good impression with jokes. A few weeks later, we're all hanging out with a male friend of hers who she just introduced to them, and I heard two of the girls whisper that they thought he was cute. I even had a little crush on one of those girls that thought the other guy was cute. I'm funny, he's cute, so he gets the girl.


I get introduced to girls all the time, and I am always making them laugh but they don't like me "that way". I have seen my friends get introduced to girls and they get dates. Whatever happened to girls liking senses of humor? Hogwash, I say!! It has gotten me nowhere for 31 years. Why am I even alive if I can't find love? Recently I've come to like myself more, but I can't get past the fact that I have never had a girlfriend because I'm ugly and I probably never will find true love. I try responding to personals, but my pictures don't get responses. I even tried an interracial personals site but get no responses to my e-mails.


People tell me to "keep trying, keep trying", and I do and get no results. All of my friends have girlfriends but me, all I do is stay home and dream about getting girlfriends. I am at the point in my life when I want to settle down with one woman and build a life together, but who wants an ugly guy who can make them laugh? Now I have a huge crush on a girl who I thought found me attractive from afar. Turns out I was only misinterpreting her signals because she has a husband. All the girls I like either have boyfriends or think I'm ugly, so when the hell am I gonna find love? Never, that's when!!!

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There is one suggestion i can make, ofcourse you don't have to listen, as i am only 16, what do i know?

But, that aside, i think that you should stop worrying about finding love, i mean, with you always thinking this, you're not going to be very relaxed around women are you?

Just relax, let life just sort of flow, and stop obsessing, yes, it's gotta be almost immpossible to sit back and watch all your friends get your girls, but, if you relax then maybe your life will just fall into place.


I hope you atleast acknowledged my response, and i wish you the very best, everyone deserves atleast that in life. I'm sorry if i was no help to you

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One thing I learned over time is you're never going to find love by looking for it. Yes, I know, I'm 15, but trust me, I know what I'm talking about. Just accept your situation and stop worrying about it so much. Sooner or later you'll find someone...it's impossible not to. Everyone has the 'right' one for them, right? In school they tell me everything comes in pairs in this world, so the same can apply to this situation as well.


Like they say, others cant love you until you love yourself.



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What can i say is that you need more confedance. start going to a gym and running daily, get in shap, from personal experance girls love a tight muscular stomach, it will be hard to do but well worth it.

take care of your complection by not eating bad foods, the whites of you eyes will begin to clear up and girl will start to gaze into your eyes more.Drees nice, use colone, always semll good, my suggertion is to but a colone called (pie) its a vanellia smell. girls fall head over heals for it.

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ive dated jocks, models, and "average" guys (cause to me they were not average)...and looks are what initially attracts you to a man, but confidence, self esteem, intelligence...all that takes over a six pack....Now I am not saying you shouldnt take care of yourself, absolutely, stay in shape and always be groomed and look nice not just for girls but for yourself!

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  • 2 years later...

Sorry for hte interruption, but not only that you have great sense of humor but also you are a wizard - how you managed to put all those crying smiles in?


Seriously, I have a friend who has great sense for humor and who is not brad pit and he was in the same sitation as you are - girls looooved him but as a friend. Even I liked him as a friend only. So it is the truth - giving up is impossible. He didn't and now he has a gf!

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I know this post will sound wikedly conceited and I might get bashed for it.. but.. maybe this will help.


I was in love with a really ugly guy. Most people consider me average or above average (depending on taste i guess) so I'm not "ugly", but most people would never give him the time of the day. I'm not even exagerating.


He has a slightly unibrow... huge huge lips.. his eyes have permanent bags on them.. his nose is huge and croked.. but again, I was REALLY into him. My own mother (45) lol-ed when she saw him. She literally laughed out loud.


Most people thought it was a joke that i'd even went out with him - let alone fell head over heels for him - but i did and hard. Why? It honestly was because of his personality - or what i thought it was his personality (but thats a whoooole different story).


While he was ugly in the face, he didn't lack "manliness". By the way you talk, maybe it's just this post since you are complaining, but still - you will never caught him dead talking like that - there's a certain agency, he refuses to be victimized and seem as (especially BE) helpless. That's what I loved about him the most. He worked out and he was determined. He had a strong drive, was genuine and caring. All those things made me admire him.


So if jokes are all you have to offer, you really are SOL!


He was my bestfriend for about 5 years before I started to become really attracted to him, though. But I definitely was in love or I wouldn't have been so devastated.


So, to sum this up real quick: as cliche as it sounds, it's true. Personality is really the key to attracting others.

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I agree with this. It is truly what is on the inside that counts.


My cousin and I write to each other in e-mail weekly. She is about 60 and has a sister about 47 who has been divorced for many years. So I asked this lady if her sister ever dates anymore, and she said not in a long time because she is "particular", that she doesn't like fat or bald men, and this girl has always been overweight, LOL. Obviously she's taking after her dad. He is 90 and since he lost his wife he just goes after women half his age, getting shot down, was even reported to a leader of a club he belongs to for harassment. He says all the women his age are ugly or fat.


I am not saying this is your problem, but I know people who are like this. They sit around whining, but they are their own problem.

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Maybe these women need a chance to get to know you? I know men i've found extremely attractive only ONCE i've spent a great deal of time with them.


The more you network the better chance you have of showing your charismatic self, don't hibernate.


ie - Volunteer walking dogs at the animal shelter - Big, BIG turn-on for some women. Or join a book club. My point, get involved and slowly things will turn for the good. It is only a matter of time.


a positive attitude works wonders. I've read some of your posts, i find you extremely hilarious...you'll do just fine.


PS - Many women go for the shy, plain guy with the great personality. You may just need to let that one special person in, and don't feel the need to rush it, things you work for that take time are always the sweetest reward.

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God, Kyo... that blows.


I wish I could say something to make you feel better, but I can't. I am you, just a few years younger... except for the part about being attracted to girls outside my ethnicity. I'd be more than happy with someone from my background, but they don't seem to like me either, so I'm screwed.


I can sympathize with you, though. What's the point of bein alive if you can't have someone to love and cherish? Beats me. (Not to get all theological on you or anything, but...) Adam was lonely when the world was perfect and he could walk and talk with God Himself, yet he still desires a companion. Humans were not meant nor designed to be single. It's unnatural, and only a very select few can manage to be by themselves and never pine for a lover. I know I can't. I've tried being single and content on my own, but I can't do it. Nor should I have to.


Yet this world is not always fair. I don't know exactly what kind of girl you're looking for Kyo, but there's nothing wrong with what you want. I know that. We're allowed to desire a great, fun mate to be with, to love and to enjoy. Now, we don't always GET what we want, mind you, but at least we can dream... I don't know.


I feel so much like you, in so many respects. I know in the past, you complimented me on my appearance, and I thank you, but at the same time, let's be real here. If I were at all attractive, I'd have a girlfriend by now. But I don't. So I know what you're going through.


and I know where I'll be in 5 and 10 years. Same place I am today with women. Not because I'm not smart, funny, kind, loving and all that jazz... But because the girls I like do not like me. So I'm just wasting my time.


I sincerely hope that you do find someone great, that you can be with Kyo. You deserve it, just as I deserve it! But even if I did not find what I'm looking for, it would make me feel a little better that at least some of my fellow-lonely guys are finding their hearts' desires. I really want to see that for you.

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Here's the thing: what you look like won't matter one bit if you are as shy and bashful as you say you are. How can anyone possibly get to know you if you are not able to express yourself comfortably? Have you ever taken any steps to become less socially anxious?


Have you ever given any thought to why you might not want to date someone of your own race? You might think it's just your preference, but if you don't even like women of your own race, do you even like yourself being a member of that same race? Maybe this self-hatred is very obvious to potential partners?


Sense of humor is actually very attractive, but it's just like anything else- there has to be something to back it up. People are not one-dimensional. Surely you see people that are similar-looking to you, or less attractive, that are in relationships.


You ask why you are alive if you can't find love? Because we as humans have lots of purposes here, not just to find a relationship, and it is up to you to find and fulfill whatever those purposes are. Staying home and dreaming about finding a girlfriend is not helping you to live up to your potential as a human, or helping you find love, either. You are in NYC, (which I am also) the biggest city in the world, with something amazing to do every single day. Start living the way you were meant to, and deserve to.

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Wow, I actually wrote that crap. So sad, so true. The only thing that has changed since then is that I occasionally have a grey hair on my scrotum and my abs are better now. Other than that, them girls are elusive.


I'm back to that Skittles Love, tasting the rainbow. Back then I was going through 4 crushes with a Caucasian, Asian, Haitian and Malaysian. Actually that's for my new country blues rap song, the crushes were on three blondes, a redhead and a Vietnamese/French girl. But the funny thing is that in my thinking, race never came into play because my look really isn't defined by a race.


I will try to get out to more gatherings. It's not easy. I wish I could take one of you with me to see what attraction pitfalls I run into. As soon as I see a woman, BLAM, Georgeous Guy walks in, her eyes are on him, and I think to myself that I have no shot.

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Not trying to sound patronizing, but I personally don't think anybody is ugly because of their appearance. Sure, there are varying levels of physical attractiveness, but that doesn't make them ugly, as in completely repulsive. The only people I've ever found ugly are people whose personalities are such.


Okay, most people are going to be attracted at first glance by looks, but that's just a short-cut. Pretty people get laid easily. Whoop de doo. By the sounds of it your want a proper girlfriend, somebody with depth, somebody with character. So you just have to get yourself out there and sell yourself. Maybe the girl of your dreams won't be attracted to you instantly (although she may do) but when she gets to know you, and you to her, the chemistry will just be there and you'll have found each other.


Don't ever put yourself down man. You're not inferior to somebody just because they're supposedly cute, and you're not unattractive just because you don't have a girlfriend. You are just meeting the wrong girls. Get your * * * out there and meet new people. Think about what your qualities are and start to feel confident about yourself, that'll do wonders for your chances. You have something decent to offer the opposite sex, right? Because I guarantee there are women out there who aren't so shallow as to only want a "cute" face.

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Well, maby the stickling point is your humour. In a sense, you find yourself trying to supplicate to women or compensate for something you lack by being humorous. The fact that you believe you lack something and need to compensate for it may be part of the problem. My question: If you felt you were a hunk or attractive guy - would you need to act humours to compensate for anything? Probably not. So, dont compensate by humour, accept yourself, if you want to be humours, great, but dont use it as a compensation because that belief you lack something may be projecting itself somehow.


What I would say is to dump the humour part if it's not working. You can just make one laugh or joke, just to show you have a sense of humour, then pull the plug from that time forward. Try learning how to project the alpha male image - or appear more masculine.


There are e-books on that - but I think that would be the right direction for improving your game. Maybe the best thing to do is just relax, and read a few books or e-books to help you get a grasp. That's what I would do - or plan to do if I was in your position.

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Sounds just like me..I am in the same shoes as you..I am 29 and I am not to attractive either (4.9 on hotornot)..I am a fun guy, whos outgoing, caring and nice, athletic, and fun to be with and still I never had a gf yet or even dated yet..worst thing of all I haven't kissed a girl yet..grrrrrrr...I know the feeling..I just have the feeling inside that I was born and to die single.

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Don't lose your sense of humor. It makes you a very, special, unique person. You sound like a smart, introspective, fun guy. The problem is the fact that women are not going to know that you possess these qualities if you are shy and bashful. As a guy, you are expected to be the one who progresses things in the interaction. Not only do you need to attract her, but you need to have the skills to advance things to a romantic level by making a move. Women expect guys to make the move.


Even though you should be proud of your positive traits, you need to make a serious look at changing yourself. It is obvious that being you has not gotten you the results that you want-namely a girlfriend. Average-looking guys get girlfriends all the time. In order to get a girlfriend, you must FIRST focus on attracting in women in general first. The good news is the fact that attracting women is a skill that can learned through practice. Once you start attracting women, than you should focus on screening women for a relationship.


The best way to learn how to attract women is by modeling yourself after guys who are successful with women. You have to learn how to dress like them. You also have to learn how to talk like them. You also have to learn how to walk like them. Once you start getting success modeling yourself after successful men, than you should start building your own style of interacting women. Stop being attached to being true to your self . The "self" you have has not helped you get a girlfriend. The self that you have now is a result of genetics, upbringing, and life experiences. It is a collection of good and bad habits. Instead of sticking to being your "self", you should not be afraid of creating the "self" you want by examining all the possibilities out there.


When students learn a discipline like music, poetry, or painting, they are first taught to imitate and study the masters. The student learns the forms and techniques of the experts. Once he shows proficiency imitating the masters, than he hast the skill to develop his own style. You should do the same. Learn from the masters. They will teach you the basics of flirting and attraction. After you attain success imitating them, than develop your own style.



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That is good advice. Women definitely want the guy to make the first move, which is understandable. Even I'm okay with that much.


The hard part is attracting women when you have no idea how. It's a mystery to me. I'm thinking, showing yourself as successful - that is, having lots of money - *may* help. In my experience, it seems to work... some of the time. I look like I have a lot of money, and sometimes, it has worked. But not always. Of course, do you really want someone to like you just because you look rich? That's a question only you can answer.


A good question is, galaxy, how would a guy with no successful role models be able to model himself after another who is successful with the ladies? I'm asking for myself here. I don't know of any guys who are overly successful with women... well, there is one former friend of mine. He dressed like me, hell, even wore the exact same cologne as me (how's that for coincidence?), but he drinks like a FISH (I'm talking EVERY NIGHT) and as a result, is very different than I am with women. (I'm sure the booze has a lot to do with it.) Oh yeah, he also tends to shout at attractive girls he sees on the street, while driving down the road. Should I emulate that? (I'm thinking no.)

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Most of my close friends are pretty clueless with women. They either don't approach women or they offend women with their crazy, wacky, sense of humor. As a result, I had to observe alpha males that I did not know as well. The places that I observed alpha males are bible study groups and bars.


In one bible study group that I know of, there are about three guys who are extremely comfortable with women. The leader of the group is a frat guy who has strong leadership skills. When he wants something done, people in the group follow him. The guy produced a movie that promoted his bible study group. Whenever his friends are in need, he gets the people in the group to help out. One time, this woman was away from the group because her mother was dying. The alpha male organized a fundraising dinner to help that woman out as she was had to take leave from her job. Another guy in the group is a great storyteller. People love to listen to him talk about his life. Whenever he talks, people surround him to listen to another of his stories. There's a third guy in the group who is good with women. He is a very, overweight man who wears glasses. This guy loves being playful around women. He is not afraid of poking and tickling women he likes.

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Damn, that's good for you... but sucks for me. See, my "youth group" (even though they're mostly all early twenties and older...) are actually just there to get closer to God and to grow spiritually. None of the guys are really all that 'good' with women, so I don't have any positive, christian, alpha males to follow. There is ONE alpha male in my life who I really look up to... and he's great. BUT... I don't get to see him interact with women anymore, since he's married now. It sucks. I can (and do) emulate this particular AM in my life, but I also happen to know for a fact... that when he was single... he wasn't very good with women, so it's strange. I'm not saying he was 'bad' per se, with women, but he didn't really pursue them either. He was just himself... and if they liked him, great. If not, who gives a damn? lol A little 'too cool' for his own good. He was more concerned with his own life, than chasing them.


He was also one of those guys who never really wanted a woman, so...

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I feel so much like you, in so many respects. I know in the past, you complimented me on my appearance, and I thank you, but at the same time, let's be real here. If I were at all attractive, I'd have a girlfriend by now. But I don't. So I know what you're going through.


I don't buy that.I know a lot of attractive people who are single for a variety of reasons:shyness,introversion,,lack of a social network ,poor social skills.

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Attractive guys get the girl. Their personality is what keeps them. In most circumstances, they'd have to be a self centered serial killer to screw it up.


Unattractive guys need their personality to get AND keep the girl. In most circumstances, they'd have to be flawless in their game.


Us unattractive guys can't get the girl 1-2-3 like the good lookers can. We'd basically have to audition ourselves, jump through hoops and juggle flaming knives or flash some dough. Good lookers don't need that, yet it only makes them better.


My best friend and I were virgins, running neck and neck. Same lifestyle, same habits, same situation, except he KNOWS he's handsome. We went on a trip to Central America and (I'll never forget this) we were walking in the streets and women were going ga ga over him. I felt like his dead stinking pet monkey on a leash that he was dragging with him. Everywhere we turned there was a girl eyeing him, even so much as smiling and waving at him. And the funy thing was, we were both dressed the same and had the same "aura" but he had IT, a good looking face. My face had IT with the SH attached to the front.


This went on for about an hour before I faked a headache so that we could go home.


On the flight back home, he met a girl. He caught her eye from afar and noticed that she was staring at him. He got up, started a conversation and in 10 minutes got her phone number. It didn't work out because she had issues but at least he got to try.


Months later, as he was minding his own business, a woman approached him. They converse, and BINGO, he gets her number. He gets laid about a month later and loses his virginity just like that.


My problem is not on assumptions, but experience. I have had plenty of crushes in my life, but 2 of the 3 biggest crushes I had ended up in disaster. In 4th grade, I REALLY liked this girl, who reminded me of Lucy from the Peanuts comic strip. But she had a major crush on the cutest guy in school. Four years later, I had another major crush on another girl. I'll never forget this day, I was walking home from school with three of my friends when my crush approaches us with her friends. And you can tell she wanted to chat up with one of us. She asked her friend to ask ME to ask if my friend wanted to talk to her. A side note, he was the new hot kid at school. Sure enough, they talk and date. What's was worse about these two situations was that both guys were my best friends. But I saw that the hot guys get the girls, the nice guys get the compliments ONLY and the shy guys get to watch.


I said that 2 of the 3 crushes I had. That third crush developed a year later, but after seeing what happened the first two times, and noticing that my crush barely knew that I was a breathing almond skinned biped just like her, I decided not to do it. Thank godness, she had a boyfriend anyway. (sarcasm alert) Yeah, he was really horrible looking dork. (sarcasm off)


Handsome guys at worse get to first base. Guys like me are stuck in traffic on the way to the ballpark. If a good looking guy has a hard time getting a girlfriend, most of the time it's his aura, demeanor or personality. That's so easy to change. For a unattractive guy, we have to have all of those things fall into place to be considered a candidate, or luck out and find a woman who doesn't go outside of a 2 mile radius of her house. If you're shy, multiply that times infinity.


It works in reverse, too. I am seeing it at my workplace with two new girls that were just hired. The cute one is getting all the attention. The one they consider not so cute, no attention. And t's worse with guys sometimes because the drooling is so obvious. I feel bad for the other girl. She's married and has two children, but she sees these guys going nuts for the other girl. I don't know if she shrugs it off being that she's attached or if she wonders what it would feel like to be that girl, as I do when I see girls go gooey gooey for the handsome guys in my vicinity.

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