How to act when the boyfriend starts acting distant

[LonelyGirl10]

You know it's over and can never go back to how it was.

 

I don't know that. If I did know that, I would end it. Sometimes relationships do just have problems, and I don't think you should give up immediately. Lasting relationships require work.

 

I guess it's just a decision that I'm going to have to make on my own though. Everyone in this thread has been incredibly helpful. You've helped me to see that I do tend to overthink things, but that I'm not imagining it either.

[Batya33]

I don't know that. If I did know that, I would end it. Sometimes relationships do just have problems, and I don't think you should give up immediately. Lasting relationships require work.

 

Maybe I missed something but it sounds like he's not interested in putting in the work or at least sufficiently. Lasting relationships require work when there is an issue or conflict-by both people. I wouldn't rationalize it away with the generalization you wrote.

[Ms Darcy]

I don't know that. If I did know that, I would end it. Sometimes relationships do just have problems, and I don't think you should give up immediately. Lasting relationships require work.

 

I guess it's just a decision that I'm going to have to make on my own though. Everyone in this thread has been incredibly helpful. You've helped me to see that I do tend to overthink things, but that I'm not imagining it either.

 

Well, if you don't know that, we'll tell you.

 

Once a relationship is broken, it can never go back to what it was. It may develop into something new - and that new thing can be more positive for you or more negative.

 

It takes two people who are "in" to make a relationship work. When you have one hot/cold person and one person trying to react to the other, you don't have a relationship. You have frustration.

[Ms Darcy]

^

How long do you think this will last? He knows he can throw out a breadcrumb, and you'll jump. Simply said, you're hanging on to something that's not there anymore.

 

Hopefully you'll eventually see that you can do much better.

 

I think this is something you should really review closely because it is very true.

[LonelyGirl10]

So, his cold sore is finally healed. It's been two weeks and two days since we've seen each other. He told me on Monday that he wanted to see me Thursday night after work. I texted him this morning to see whether he still wanted to do that. He replied: "Can I let you know later? I'd like to see you yes. But I didn't sleep any last night. I don't know how i'll feel this afternoon."

 

I instantly felt angry. He hasn't seen me in over two weeks, and he's saying no because he might be tired? I clamped down on my anger, and just told him to let me know.

 

I know that if I get upset about it, he'll tell me that he's tired and I should be more understanding. And he'll probably say that I'm trying to make him feel bad, and to give him a guilt trip about canceling on me. I hate feeling like the bad guy.

[Doc Blaze]

Your not the bad guy thats the thing..get your mind straight...im telling you..he isnt that into you..but wont let you go either...its evcuses and your always making arrangements..not him...

 

how far away does he live?

[LonelyGirl10]

Your not the bad guy thats the thing..get your mind straight...im telling you..he isnt that into you..but wont let you go either...its evcuses and your always making arrangements..not him...

 

how far away does he live?

 

He lives about 30 minutes away, maybe 45 minutes with traffic. For the year that we dated, we saw each other every Wednesday and Friday-Sunday.

 

Part of me just wants him to admit that he doesn't want to be with me. I want him to be a man, and admit that to me. But he keeps saying that he loves me and wants to marry me, and tells me that I'm being insecure and over-analyzing it.

 

And somehow I always end up apologizing to him for not being understanding or overreacting. That's why I'm just keeping my opinions to myself right now about him canceling because he's tired.

[Doc Blaze]

The difference between what i did with my ex and what you are doing...is you take that extra "insecurity step" that allows him to put the blame on you...and back up how you get upset..insecure etc....if he is making no effort to see you..there is a problem no matter what he says...

[LonelyGirl10]

The difference between what i did with my ex and what you are doing...is you take that extra "insecurity step" that allows him to put the blame on you...and back up how you get upset..insecure etc....if he is making no effort to see you..there is a problem no matter what he says...

 

How do I avoid that extra step? When your ex did stuff like this, how did you respond?

[metrogirl]

If I missed my partner, really missed them I dont care how tired I am, I am going to see them. People make sacrafices for the ones they love.

 

He's giving you zero effort.

[PetiteGirl]

I see red flags all over the place. Your guy sounded like the "early stage" of my manipulative and emotionally abusive ex. When I say early stage, I mean him doing a lot of blaming and turning the table against you when he was the one hurting you. Your boyfriend's lack of respect and being responsible of his own actions is rather obvious.

 

So first thing first, NEVER apologize for a need - your need. You simply got frustrated from him disrespecting and neglecting you.

 

Something is very wrong in this relationship, and you don't want to be in for the entire ride because it will only get worse. Prior to your breakup with him, it was all nice and sweet because he was putting on a good front. Now he's showing his true color. This is the real him. Is this how you want to live? I don't think so. The best response is to not take his crap anymore. Stand up for yourself. If he blames you, tell him to shove that mind game of his into his sissy little ass and get out of your life.

 

Life is complicated enough. You don't need someone like him to drag you down.

 

You are strong. You know you deserve better. Life is too short to deal with problems like him. You will be ok.

[mhowe]

I don't see what difference hearing him say the words should make. His actions shout -- "don't care".

[LonelyGirl10]

I don't see what difference hearing him say the words should make. His actions shout -- "don't care".

 

I want him to say the words because he tells me that I'm over-analyzing it and misinterpreting his actions. He makes me feel like I'm acting crazy, seeing things that aren't there.

 

When I'm writing on this forum, I can rationalize it and see his actions and what he's doing to me. But when I talk to him, he makes me feel like I'm the one to blame. I'll try to tell him no, that it's not my fault. But he'll start talking about how I hurt him, and then I feel guilty.

 

Also, in order to get complete honest feedback, I need to tell everyone on here the truth I guess. I've had 4 serious boyfriends. All four have told me that I over-analyze things and read too much into actions. The first two were bad guys, and cheated on me. The third I just wasn't compatible with. My recent guy is identical to me. He's probably more insecure than I am. But he's telling me the same thing that my prior exes did. So it makes me wonder whether they're right, and it is all my fault. If everyone says the same thing about me, then maybe I do have issues that are preventing me from being happy with someone.

[metrogirl]

It could be you, but it's also the men you choose. You said the first two guys were bad, the third you weren't compatible with and the fourth although not nessecarily bad per se, doesn't have good relationship skills. They all go hand in hand.

[LonelyGirl10]

It does feel like mind games. And I don't trust my own judgment. I don't know whether he's right, and I am being insecure and acting crazy and expecting too much. It makes me scared. It makes me wonder whether I'm going to have the same problems with every man I date. When I was dating him for the year before he broke up with me, it was all perfect. I was confident and happy in the relationship. If he canceled on me, I didn't think it was a big deal because I knew he loved me.

 

How long were you in your relationship? How did you break free of it, and stop blaming yourself?

[mhowe]

There is nothing a guy hates more than to be asked "are you okay". If they are, they don't get it, and if they are not -- they will solve it on there own.

 

Why don't you try NOT focusing on him and his behavior, nor solely the relationship and how long it takes to get a response. Maybe you think that the "honeymoon stage" will last forever, and when it doesn't, and settles into "being toghether" -- you over analyze everything and in your search for answers, drive a wedge that didn't exist into the relationship.

[PetiteGirl]

It does feel like mind games. And I don't trust my own judgment. I don't know whether he's right, and I am being insecure and acting crazy and expecting too much. It makes me scared. It makes me wonder whether I'm going to have the same problems with every man I date. When I was dating him for the year before he broke up with me, it was all perfect. I was confident and happy in the relationship. If he canceled on me, I didn't think it was a big deal because I knew he loved me.

 

How long were you in your relationship? How did you break free of it, and stop blaming yourself?

 

So I'm getting the impression that when you're addressing your concerns, he would turn around and tell you how you've hurt him and how you're the one to blame. I may be wrong, but it seems that he's directing the attention away from the original problem and therefore it didn't get solved and you're left apologizing to him for his hurt feelings. Since you're still posting on this thread, it is clear that it has been a pattern. After repeating the same pattern for a while, I could understand why you'll question your own judgment because you're left feeling invalidated.

 

Whenever he blames you for hurting him, you've gotta ask yourself if it's absolutely true. Ask him if he can give an example and a solution to the problem. Was there any malice on your part? When you didn't want to kiss him because of a cold sore, I think you were just looking out for yourself and making sure you're not catching a STD. A man who truly cares about you wouldn't put you to such risk. Him feeling rejected and blaming you indicated his priority - and it is certainly not your well being. It also indicated his immaturity.

 

Well, my relationship was a little different due to the addition of physical abuse. I was in my relationship for about a year. It wasn't easy to break free. I could feel the fear of losing him, and the thought of being alone. However, I realized I was at a dead end. So I told myself it won't be the end of the world if I leave the relationship. I was just simply giving myself a chance to find a happier place. Yes, it was scary to walk away, but I knew I would have a lot more to lose staying with this person. I just imagined myself being treated like crap by my ex for the years to come, everyday, every hour - being treated like crap will be the only thing I looked forward to for the rest of my life, then a part of me woke up and went "hell no!" I started to spend more time with friends and family. I exercised and empowered myself; also went to porn shop and got myself some nice stuff. I focused on taking care of myself and it felt great. I then looked at my ex and thought "wow, this guy doesn't have much to offer. Look at what I can do for myself. I really don't need him." It takes some time to get there, but when you've hit rock bottom, you wouldn't want to stay there forever.

[LonelyGirl10]

Thanks for your reply, and I'm sorry to hear about what you went through. I'm glad to hear that you broke yourself out of it, and you seem like a strong person.

 

We are still having problems with the cold sore. He decided to not come over tonight, but might come over tomorrow. He told me that he has a scar from it though, and he's worried how I'll react. I told him that I don't care about scars, because I have scars from old acne. He responded that he was worried that I would see it and think about the cold sore though. Him saying that just made me feel guilty again, and I ended up apologizing and reassuring him.

 

Another example where I end up apologizing was last weekend when he told me that he would come over after he left his dad's house. He didn't, and I didn't hear anything from him until the next day around 4PM. When I got upset, he told me that I always assume the worst case scenario. He told me that I should have assumed that his phone wasn't working or he fell asleep, rather than assuming he stood me up. I ended up apologizing for overreacting.

 

Another example was Valentine's Day. He had told me the prior week that he wanted to get back together. I asked for a day to think about it, and then told him yes. He said that he wanted to wait to "officially" ask me on Valentine's Day. Then, on Valentine's Day, he texted me saying that he might cancel because he thought he was getting a cold. I initially just said okay, I hope you feel better. But the more I thought about it, the more sad I felt. He hadn't officially canceled yet though, and I wanted to be honest with him that I wanted to see him instead of trying to play it cool. So I texted him that I really wanted to see him, and I would be disappointed if I didn't. He told me that I was being manipulative, and trying to make him feel guilty in order to force him to come over. That was not my intention at all. I was trying to be honest about wanting him, not trying to manipulate him. He told me that I should have been more understanding about him getting sick. So, I ended up apologizing.

 

All this has been since the breakup in December though. For the year that we dated, he was great. I don't know what changed.

[metrogirl]

The more I read about how he treats you, the worse I feel for you.

 

You really don't see it huh?

[LonelyGirl10]

The more I read about how he treats you, the worse I feel for you.

 

You really don't see it huh?

 

If I take a step back and pretend I'm reading this from one of my friends or another poster that I don't know, I see it. I would tell her to leave him.

 

But I just have so many doubts on whether I'm the one causing the problems. I know that when I was secure in the relationship before we broke up, I wouldn't have freaked out if he canceled plans. And if he didn't contact me one night, I would assume that he was asleep instead of assuming that he was ignoring me. I guess I'm just doubting my judgment of different situations.

[LonelyGirl10]

Is it possible to fix these problems? Like, if I wanted to stay in the relationship, is there something I could do to fix it?

[calichick007]

Is it possible to fix these problems? Like, if I wanted to stay in the relationship, is there something I could do to fix it?

 

The problem appears to be that he does not care. At least not anywhere near as much as you do. Unfortunately, you cannot make someone care if they don't. I hate to say it, but I agree with all of those who think he got back with you because he was lonely but does not really want to be all in.

[HeatherB]

Is it possible to fix these problems? Like, if I wanted to stay in the relationship, is there something I could do to fix it?

 

You'd have to stop playing his games along with him. So if he said, I can't come over because...cold sore or whatever, you'd have to say, "Okay babe, that sucks! Feel better. I'm gonna go see a movie." You'd have to stop reacting to him with appeasement and apologies. That is incredibly difficult to do once you've set a predictable pattern with someone.

[itsallgrand]

You'd have to stop playing his games along with him. So if he said, I can't come over because...cold sore or whatever, you'd have to say, "Okay babe, that sucks! Feel better. I'm gonna go see a movie." You'd have to stop reacting to him with appeasement and apologies. That is incredibly difficult to do once you've set a predictable pattern with someone.

 

Yup, exactly. You deal in reality and his will fall in line right quick. Maybe not how you would like it to, but the way it really is.

[PetiteGirl]

Is it possible to fix these problems? Like, if I wanted to stay in the relationship, is there something I could do to fix it?

 

Focus on taking care of yourself. Don't be available to him on his term. Stop apologizing. If he starts to blame you, accuse you of being manipulative or guilt tripping you, calmly tell him that you will only talk to him when he's ready to be constructive. Tell him that you'll be available when he's ready to set aside the blaming behavior to work on the issue together. It's best that you guys don't talk until both are calmed down, then you hang up. Every time he starts pointing fingers or acting unreasonable, you do that. Stand your ground, stay calm and don't apologize.