How to act when the boyfriend starts acting distant

[ExcitedtoSleep]

I could be completely wrong but he could have already emotionally checked out of the relationship but is scared of being on his own so wants to keep you around as it is 'habit' and 'familiar' to be with you but the relationship no longer excites him. Some people end up staying with people because it is familiar and convenient and would rather have that than be completely on his own.

 

I was going to say almost the same thing.

 

Maybe this guy has already broken up with the original poster and she just does not know it yet.

[getupkid]

Since you've been giving me advice, I will give you some from a guy's perspective.

 

It's all about comfort. For example; if I ever went back out with a girl after breaking up with/getting broken up with the first couple weeks I'd feel like I'd really have a lot to prove, in fear that my girlfriend is judging my actions and will leave if I don't act up to par. Obviously this isn't exactly true but its the mentality men often share. Once the initial "trial run" is over for us, we slip back into that comfort zone, potentially bringing back out the old characteristics that may have been a problem. From his point of view since he got you back he may now feel comfortable enough to act the way he is because he may be thinking how he won you back so you will look past all that and stay regardless.

 

I feel that very few men really change themselves after the promises they made when trying to get their ex girlfriends back. As others suggested, I would arrange to have a face to face conversation with him and talk about why he is going back to the way he was, without being pushy.

[BlueEagle]

Try scaling back the texts. I don't mean be distant or give him the cold shoulder, but instead just ease up on texting him like you used to when first dating. It's like the "Rubber Band Theory" in Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. Once you pull back a bit, he'll more than likely snap back to you, as in a rubber band. If that doesn't work, find a time where you are both free and can have a casual talk (not, "We need to talk" -- men hate this) where you can be honest and candid about things going on in your relationship. It shouldn't be negative or accusatory, that is, trying to ascribe meanings behind his actions, or inactions, but rather allowing him to come out and tell you himself what may be going on. Assumptions can get us in trouble so make the atmosphere as relaxing as possible.

[HeatherB]

Trying to communicate about what's wrong at this point would be counterproductive. You'd just blow up at him, and who wants to deal with that from anyone?

 

I think he's getting fed up with you. Being around you and talking with you is no longer emotionally safe or fun. So of course he's going to avoid it.

[BlueEagle]

This is spot-on. Allow him to come to you after giving him some space. Back off and more than likely he'll spring back to you. When it comes to communication and processing emotions, men and women are so very different. A lot of times women will treat their men like their fellow girlfriends (and perhaps vice versa with men) and not understand why he doesn't communicate the same way. Well, with nature our brains are wired differently along with how nurture is factored in. There is no right or wrong; we're just different. Just like I mentioned before, the book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus by John Gray talks about this very issue and the "Rubber Band Theory." You should check it out.

 

I'll just add that yes, if he's constantly asking for space then there are probably some concerns that need to be addressed as soon as possible. One could be some deep-seated resentment that's being bottled up inside and he doesn't know how to communicate what's bothering him, or the worst case scenario being he's no longer interested in you. But, again, in this scenario finding a way to communicate about it will be more telling than relying on assumptions that could be flatly wrong in the first place.

[Amandacast57]

Trying to communicate about what's wrong at this point would be counterproductive. You'd just blow up at him, and who wants to deal with that from anyone?

 

I think he's getting fed up with you. Being around you and talking with you is no longer emotionally safe or fun. So of course he's going to avoid it.

 

Ummmm.... HE broke up with her and then BEGGED her back. Then became distant for no reason. I don't see how this is her fault????

[HeatherB]

Ummmm.... HE broke up with her and then BEGGED her back. Then became distant for no reason. I don't see how this is her fault????

 

The same problems that made him break up with her probably came back. It isn't about fault. It's about taking responsibility. And she's the one asking for advice.

[Amandacast57]

The same problems that made him break up with her probably came back. It isn't about fault. It's about taking responsibility. And she's the one asking for advice.

 

Have you read the entire thread? He broke up with her because he felt depressed and also was considering school out of state and didnt know if he could stay with her. He didnt break up with her because of anything she did.

[HeatherB]

Have you read the entire thread? He broke up with her because he felt depressed and also was considering school out of state and didnt know if he could stay with her. He didnt break up with her because of anything she did.

 

If he had been all in, he would have tried to avoid breaking up with her. She's not adding enough to his life for him to see her as an asset he must keep around at all costs. He's unmotivated. Just because he begged her to come back doesn't mean he's automatically willing to work very hard on the relationship. He should be, but that doesn't mean he has to be.

[LonelyGirl10]

Why do you have hard time telling him what you think in his face or over phone? It's like this whole relationship is based on texting.

And why don't you go to his place? Why do you have to wait for him to come to you?

 

I would love to talk on the phone or see him face to face. I completely agree that part of our problems is that all we've done for the past two weeks is text each other. He's never been a phone guy. I think we've spoken on the phone maybe 5-6 times in the past 1.5 years. And we live about 45 minutes from each other. I made a trip to his town this weekend to buy something, and offered to stop at his place. He told me not to. So, texting is my only form of communication with him right now.

 

So, another update... after my angry texts last night, he disappeared for about 2 hours. Then he texted me that he wasn't happy, and that I was right that he was distant last week. He said that I hurt his feelings and made him feel rejected when I told him that I wouldn't kiss him while he had a cold sore. So, he said that's why he has refused to see me. And he said that he was upset, so he was distant. I apologized over and over for initially asking him how he got the cold sore (he's never had one before), and tried to explain why I didn't want to kiss him. It's not that I think he's unattractive, it's just that I don't want it myself.

 

We have a cruise scheduled in a month. So I told him that I would like to try to start over, forget the cold sore, and see if we can make each other happy. We were doing great when we got back together until he got the cold sore. I think maybe it put pressure on an already weak relationship? He responded that he didn't know what he wanted right now. That really hurt my feelings. I waited 3 months while he told me that he was 99% sure that he wanted me. Then went NC, and he contacted me 2 weeks later saying that he was 100% sure that he wanted me back. Now I guess we're back at him not being sure?

 

He's supposed to come over next week to talk in person about what we want to do. He's waiting until the cold sore goes away. It's been over 2 weeks since we've seen each other. I don't know what to do, or what to tell him. I still want the old us back. But I feel so hurt. None of the reasons for the breakup that he listed were my fault. But all this back and forth on whether he wants me or not is killing my self esteem.

 

There's definitely a part of me that wants to stand up for myself, and say I don't deserve this. But I still do love him. When do you give up? How do you know when to give up on getting back to where you were?

[LonelyGirl10]

so u were suppose to hang out yesterday and you didnt and he didnt even tell you why until ? is that correct or am i wrong

 

 

and he didnt want to hang out at all today?

 

 

what kind of relationship is this if you guys dont even communicate or hang out or anything

 

Yeah, we were supposed to hang out Friday night after he left his dad's house. He didn't contact me until Saturday around 4ish. I was upset. He said that his phone was messed up. He said that I should have assumed that his phone was messed up instead of assuming that he stood me up. As a guy, do you agree with that?

[Silvergalaxy]

This is ridiculous. There is no phone or computer at his dad's house that he could have used? And he's saying you should have figured out that his phone messed up after he's been distant and blowing you off all week? It sounds like he thinks he can call all the shots in this "relationship" and blame all the problems on you. You need to stand up for yourself and stop accepting his wishy-washy behaviour if you want him to respect you.

[Cherry009]

This is ridiculous. There is no phone or computer at his dad's house that he could have used? And he's saying you should have figured out that his phone messed up after he's been distant and blowing you off all week? It sounds like he thinks he can call all the shots in this "relationship" and blame all the problems on you. You need to stand up for yourself and stop accepting his wishy-washy behaviour if you want him to respect you.

 

I agree, he really isn't treating you with respect at all. He is calling all the shots and just drops you and picks you up when he feels like it. I agree that you need to stand up for yourself.

[Doc Blaze]

Yeah, we were supposed to hang out Friday night after he left his dad's house. He didn't contact me until Saturday around 4ish. I was upset. He said that his phone was messed up. He said that I should have assumed that his phone was messed up instead of assuming that he stood me up. As a guy, do you agree with that?

 

how can u assume someone phone is messed up lol...no lol...my ex would of used a friends phone or her moms cell or fb messaged to let me know..if it was a few hours then no she probably would of told me after but to wait to the next day...she wouldnt of waited that long

[NymphaeaLilly]

.

Then he texted me that he wasn't happy, and that I was right that he was distant last week. He said that I hurt his feelings and made him feel rejected when I told him that I wouldn't kiss him while he had a cold sore. So, he said that's why he has refused to see me. And he said that he was upset, so he was distant.

 

OMG this is sooo immature...he can hold a grudge longer than me when I was a rebellious teenager I'll give him that. Holding a grudge for 2 WEEKS and not resolving a conflict that caused it but instead creating a bigger one is a telling sign that this guy have no clue what a good communication is. Obviously you were in a honeymoon phase till you broke up or this would have tear you apart much sooner.

 

 

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I apologized over and over for initially asking him how he got the cold sore (he's never had one before), and tried to explain why I didn't want to kiss him. It's not that I think he's unattractive, it's just that I don't want it myself.

 

Why did you apologize "over and over" when your reason was a legit one? It wasn't romantic but it's totally understandable. When I'm sick I don't let my bf kiss me coz I don't want him to get sick and when he's sick I try not to kiss him. This would be a huge problem for me when I was 15 but I'm not irrational kid anymore and I developed rational thinking since than.

 

 

 

.

We have a cruise scheduled in a month. So I told him that I would like to try to start over, forget the cold sore, and see if we can make each other happy. We were doing great when we got back together until he got the cold sore. I think maybe it put pressure on an already weak relationship? He responded that he didn't know what he wanted right now. That really hurt my feelings. I waited 3 months while he told me that he was 99% sure that he wanted me. Then went NC, and he contacted me 2 weeks later saying that he was 100% sure that he wanted me back. Now I guess we're back at him not being sure?

 

He's supposed to come over next week to talk in person about what we want to do. He's waiting until the cold sore goes away. It's been over 2 weeks since we've seen each other. I don't know what to do, or what to tell him. I still want the old us back. But I feel so hurt. None of the reasons for the breakup that he listed were my fault. But all this back and forth on whether he wants me or not is killing my self esteem.

 

Why do you keep letting him do this to you? Stop waiting for the old him to come back, HE IS NOT COMING BACK, that guy was in a honeymoon phase of the relationship and this guy now is the real him, the guy who has no communication skills, guy who can hold a grudge for too long, guy who's easily offended, guy who's not so sure about you, guy who doesn't gives a **** about your feelings etc.

 

 

There's definitely a part of me that wants to stand up for myself, and say I don't deserve this. But I still do love him. When do you give up? How do you know when to give up on getting back to where you were?

 

You give up when the other person gives up on getting back to where you were and in your case he didn't even really tried

[calichick007]

I agree, he really isn't treating you with respect at all. He is calling all the shots and just drops you and picks you up when he feels like it. I agree that you need to stand up for yourself.

 

I'm sorry, but I agree with this. I don't understand all of the people who are blaming OP.

[ParisPaulette]

He said that his phone was messed up. He said that I should have assumed that his phone was messed up instead of assuming that he stood me up.

 

This is the point where you have to say to yourself, "I may love him, but he's being an A****** and it's time to move on." Tell him the phone's not the only thing that's messed up then block and delete him from your world. Seriously, these are the words of someone who knows he can mistreat you anyway he wants to and you will let him. You broke up, got back together, gave it a shot and he's being emotionally abusive now. What is the point in staying?

[metrogirl]

He could have used someone's cell or he could have gone to a pay phone. There are far too many methods of communication available, there is no excuse not to contact you.

[Ms Darcy]

My gut is that he got back with you because he missed you and not because he was "all in." So, after the initial rush died down, his doubts and fears and whatever caused the first break up came back. The cold sore thing ... yeah ... not your fault. In a healthy relationship, you two would have just moved past it quickly.

 

I think you need to prepare yourself for him to break up with you again.

[LonelyGirl10]

He's being sweet again. Completely out of the blue. He's telling me that he loves me, and calling me sweetie and baby. He said that he misses me. Telling me good morning and goodnight. He's asked to see me, but I've been out of town yesterday and today. I think he's coming over tomorrow.

 

I'm so completely confused. I know I should stand up for myself, and I was right on the edge of doing that. And then he started acting sweet again, and I have to admit that there's a part of me that still responds to it. I loved this man. Really loved him. I'm mad at how's he treated me, but I still love him. I just want things to be like they were for the year that we dated before we broke up.

 

I don't know what to do. I don't want to be with someone that has doubts about me. I don't want to be with someone who backs away and acts distant everytime there's a problem. But when he's his old self, he's so amazing. We connect. We agree on all the important issues. I just don't know what to do.

[HeartGoesOn]

^

How long do you think this will last? He knows he can throw out a breadcrumb, and you'll jump. Simply said, you're hanging on to something that's not there anymore.

 

Hopefully you'll eventually see that you can do much better.

[ParisPaulette]

There could be a thousand reasons why he's suddenly acting nice now that he's coming to see you. The hope of a booty call, maybe he knows he pushed you too far, maybe guilty conscience, maybe fears about getting back together--who knows. Honestly all you can do is ask him what is going on with him. Stay calm, cite why his behavior confuses you, don't sleep with him and tell him if you're getting back together there are things that have to change. You have to treat this as a brand-new relationship. Remembering what was there in the past won't serve you at all. It was a different time, a different place and you were in the honeymoon stage. Sorry, but people who blow hot and cold tend to do so to keep others off balance and to control exactly how the relationship goes. You have to ask yourself why you are having all of these doubts, why you're seeing such diverging actions and stories that don't add up and why you want to stay with someone whose actions are causing you this much self-doubt, fear and worry. As to standing up for yourself, you have to do that every day by simply not being a pushover and demanding he treat you well then walking away when he can't or won't. It's not a matter of you wait until the time is right to have self-respect or to stop someone from hurting you. That's like waiting until someone hits you then finally deciding to say something only to have them apologize and act sweet, so you'll forgive them. It doesn't change the fact they still hit you. His being sweet does not change the fact he stood you up for more than 24 hours then gave you a lame excuse and turned it around on you.

 

The fact is if you have to walk on eggshells and you're never certain of whether you'll get hot or cold from a loved one then it's just not a good relationship no matter what they say. Honestly when I went back and looked at your first post my thought was you are being manipulated since this guy changes his reaction to you constantly. If you text him he ignores you, if you stop he accuses you of being distant, if you're sweet he accuses you of being sweet. Frankly this just sounds like more of him trying to keep you off balance so you'll do what he wants and not ever challenge him. No wonder your head is spinning!

[Ms Darcy]

Here is a wonderful quote from an advice column about men who blow hot and cold like your guy:

 

"If you’ve ever been in an unavailable relationship, you’re likely as familiar with blowing hot and cold as you are with your own reflection. It’s gone from intense and gradually or very sharply cooled down.

 

They’re not as eager and in pursuit as they were before.

In fact, you’re the one doing the chasing now.

Suddenly you’re hearing excuses including about how busy they are.

Whereas you used to hear from the all the time, now there are increasing gaps.

They seem less attentive.

You feel like a pest when you get in touch.

They’ve disappeared with some lame-o excuse and come back in a rather feeble capacity that you’re now trying to breathe life into.

They get snippy with you when you remind them of things that they’ve said and even promised you.

It feels like you’re on your own with your feelings.

You can feel them pulling away, possibly because the feeling is familiar.

You’ve actually got used to breezing in for an intense ‘set’ and then them breezing out again for a while, often without hearing from them and suspecting or even knowing that there involved with others, but being OK with being their ‘appointment’.

This might be a well honed routine. When they pull away and you stop chasing them, they chase you back and then when you respond, they pull away. And lathe, rinse, repeat."

 

Read the rest here: link removed

[LonelyGirl10]

Wow that exactly describes how I feel. I read the rest of the article too. I do blame myself when he pulls away. I think of what I could have done differently that would have kept him responding to me, or made him want me. When the times are good, they are so unbelievably good. So I always want to get back to those good times, and I try to do different things to get it back.

 

I wonder how you know if you have a hot/cold man like that article describes, versus whether you really do just have problems in the relationship that you need to work through? He told me that I hurt his feelings with the cold sore. Maybe he's telling the truth? I think his behavior was uncalled for, but maybe he was really hurt.

 

I've noticed that I don't care as much this week. He was being really sweet yesterday. I haven't heard from him today at all. I'm honestly just tired. I feel emotionally drained.

[Ms Darcy]

I wonder how you know if you have a hot/cold man like that article describes, versus whether you really do just have problems in the relationship that you need to work through?

 

See, this is your denial right here. You know he's hot and cold. You know it's over and can never go back to how it was. But you are still hoping that things will magically improve.

 

They won't.

 

It's up to you to decide that it's time to move on.