How to act when the boyfriend starts acting distant

[LonelyGirl10]

I tried that last weekend. When he told me that he didn't want to see me, I told him that was okay. I made plans with friends, and was busy. He texted me several times asking what was wrong, and asked me why I was being distant. I explained to him that I wasn't acting distant, that I was just busy. He didn't act like he believed me though, and seemed upset.

[NymphaeaLilly]

I think that his behaviour is unacceptable in this stage of relationship. First HE breaks up with you and just as you get back together he starts acting distant instead of showering you with love and attention to show you that he REALLY wants to be with you not just out of loneliness and fear. And his needing space is a total BS...he had a space for 3 months. And why is he needing space? Is he really that busy to not be able to see his gf for over a week? Or is he again being depressed and reevaluating this relationship?

It's not fair to you to be able to get attention ONLY when you back off which is the case here. He's not making any effort. Maybe first time you were together he saw you as someone who could easily go away if not cherished, but now he saw that you'll always stick around no matter how he behaves.

I understand that it's sometimes hard to tell someone your fears and insecurities especially someone who already hurt you. Maybe you could write down all those things you feel and give it to him in a form of a letter. Don't email it coz it feels too impersonal. By writing it down you have time to phrase things the best way and to tell EVERYTHING you think and feel without being interrupted. After he reads it you should discuss it.

He could keep telling you "relax" or "everything's fine" but the thing is YOU aren't fine and therefore this relationship isn't fine.

[SometimesShy]

LG10,

 

Is your guy happy? With is job? With his life?

 

Are you happy? With your job? With your life?

 

...Do you think you make his life better? ...Does he make your life better?

 

You never know, his distance could be caused by other events in your guy's life, and if that is the case all you can do is chill out and be there to support him when he needs it. Which means don't focus your entire life on your relationship or you might smother it.

[Edmund Exley]

Instead of asking him whats wrong, have you asked him why he has stopped doing little things? Have you told him how much you liked when he did those things? Lots of times stuff like that is done to woo the relationship, but in time you settle in and the little things just fade. My wife will remind me she needs that sometimes, and I dont mind that she reminds me.

[Stay_home]

You're nagging him so much and you really need to quit doing that, that's what's making him act distant.

 

You have to understand the way a guy's mind works. If you keep nagging and picking on him he's just going to eventually tune you out.

[LonelyGirl10]

So.. an update. I backed off a little last night. We didn't talk much. Before I went to bed, I texted asking if I could see him either Friday or Saturday night. The last time I've saw him was Tuesday the 5th. So, it's been almost two weeks. He responded that he would talk to me about it tomorrow. So I just made a sweet comment about how I missed him and would love to see him. His response was "[my name]. I said I would talk about it later. Relax." He only uses my name when he's mad, usually he calls me sweetie or babe.

 

I know we should have talked in person instead of through text messages, but I told him that I've noticed a difference in his behavior and I'm confused. I tried to tell him that I haven't been happy the past two weeks, and I asked him what I needed to do to make things better for him. He replied "Wow. You treated me like crap last weekend, and this is how you feel? I can't believe it." What he was referring to is last weekend when he told me that he had a cold sore for the first time in his life, I asked how he got it. I admit that it did go through my head whether he had kissed the girl that he saw while we were apart. He had previously made a point of telling me that nothing happened with that girl, so this made me suspicious. I don't think I treated him like "crap" though. All I did was ask a question, and I told him that I preferred to not kiss him while he had it so that I wouldn't get the virus. He said that it made him feel rejected that I didn't want to kiss him.

 

So, last night I apologized for making him feel bad. I said that I didn't care about the cold sore, and that I would still like to see him this weekend. He never responded. So far this morning, no texts from him. He usually texts me good morning. I haven't texted him anything yet. I don't know whether I should, or if I should just give him his space and wait for him to text me.

 

The comment about me treating him like crap makes me feel bad. He broke up with me. He kept me dangling on a string for two months telling me that he was 99% sure he wanted to get back together with me, and needed more time. But I'm the one that treated him like crap?

 

I'm starting to wonder why I want to stay with him so much. When he asked me to get back together with him, he said that he had prayed about it and realized that there's no one else like me. He said that he would treat me like he did the first time we dated. I wanted that so much. And he did at first, but then everything got all weird after the cold sore. I don't know what to do now.

[metrogirl]

I've read and re-read everything in this thread and the only thing I can come up with is maybe he's still depressed. If he is legimately depressed, those feelings don't just go away and you can't just force yourself to be happy even in the interest of others.

 

The cold sore thing, I wouldn't sweat it. His mom could have kissed him when he was a kid and it's just now coming out. I can go years without one and then end up with 2 in year.

 

It's a wonderful thing when our partners shower us with affection and attention and romantic gestures and it's easy to jump to the conclusion that there must be someone else or there must be something wrong with the relationship once these things slow down but usually it's because the person is not in that wooing honeymoon phase anymore or simply they are just comfortable. I remember when my boyfriend was pursuing me, he showered me with so much affection, attention, and gifts. Naturally as time progressed, those things slowed down. I think it's just a natural part of the relationship process. Not everyone will remain exactly the same throughout, does that make sense?

[LonelyGirl10]

I understand what you're saying. I know that naturally decreases the longer you're in a relationship. I don't expect flowers every month, and stuff like that. It's just weird to me that I haven't seen him in two weeks, and he doesn't want to see each other this weekend. That seems like more is wrong to me than just the honeymoon stage is over.

 

And, after I did research about the cold sore, I realized that it could have been dormant since he was a kid. I believe him. But my initial reaction was how did you get this. I've never had one, so I didn't know anything about it. My initial reaction upset him though I guess. I've apologized. I don't know what else to do.

 

I still haven't heard anything from him since last night. I haven't contacted him. Part of me thinks that we're both insecure, and we just keep going in a circle. When I back off, he gets insecure. When he backs off, I get insecure. I know we can be great together, because the first time we dated was the best relationship I ever had. I just don't know how to get back there.

 

Would you suggest that I keep texting him and acting like normal, or just back off and give him space?

[Batya33]

In general if a person seems to need space give that person twice the space the person seems to need. I think he is seeing that you don't trust him- the cold sore incident reminds me of a guy I dated some years ago - he was the first person ever to ask me about a miniscule mole/scar I had on my mouth -to the best of my memory it was from an injury... when I was 10 (i.e. almost 30 years earlier). He apparently was concerned it had something to do with an STD. That was one example of how he examined me under a microscope because of his deep insecurities - he would ask me about business cards he saw in my cluttered purse, things like that. It was a major reason why we only dated for 6 weeks total and it was a shame because I saw real potential, he is a good person but there was no way I was going to be subjected to that level of scrutiny/insecurity and all this before we were even officially a couple! He is in his late 40s now and single -doesn't want to be single.

 

Especially if you are texting these things it is probably coming accross as 100 times needier than even you mean to be. Having said that, I can relate to experiencing a change in behavior and feeling like maybe I was the "crazy" one but finding out later I was right on target. So here's what I would do. Back way off. Give him breathing room. Stop having any discussions beyond impersonal ones -making/confirming plans, like that by text. If you feel insecure talk to yourself, to a friend (but not the same friend every time -don't wear out your welcome), to your cat -but don't talk to him about it. If in a month or so you aren't happy with the level of attention then it might be time to move on after having a mature, balanced discussion with him -in person or over the phone (no texting) that it seems the 2 of you are in different places as to what you need in a relationship.

I've been where you are. By comparison, when I was dating my husband there was exactly one time, for about 7 hours in our first year or year and a half of dating where I felt insecure like you. Turned out he hadn't been in touch when he said he would be because he was stuck in a meeting that went longer than expected. I probably had thought I sensed some distance earlier that day or the day before but I remember the feeling. I don't think I mentioned it to him once I realized what the truth was. So that's the other extreme. I do think it's a red flag of some type of you're feeling this insecure this often.

[LonelyGirl10]

Thank you. That's really good advice. I think maybe I'm feeling so insecure because I see his change in behavior as warning signs that he's going to break up with me, since he broke up with me in December shortly after his behavior changed like this. He's the type of guy that requires a lot of attention. I was always the one slowing the relationship down. He wanted to move in together after about 3 months, and I told him to wait. So the complete lack of contact by him is really abnormal.

 

We have a cruise booked and paid for that leaves April 16. My plan yesterday was to just keep acting like everything was normal until the cruise, then reevaluate. But it's hard to send him sweet texts when I'm not getting anything in return from him. And I feel disappointed when he says no when I ask to see him. So maybe the better solution is to just back off and let him take control of things. I'll stop asking him what's wrong, and just be busy. If it doesn't improve by the time of the cruise, then I'll reevaluate then.

 

One problem though is I've noticed that when I back off, he gets upset that I'm being distant. He will accuse me of playing games in order to get his attention.

[Amandacast57]

I think everyone is missing the point that HE broke up with her, causing this insecurity, yet is not willing to put forth the effort to make it work. And somehow it is her fault, not his, that she is feeling this way.

 

Not once has he asked "what can I do to make you feel better?" or "lets talk about this and see if we can fix it". Any attempt of hers to communicate with him has been completely shut down and ignored.

 

If he wants space, HE needs to be a man and ASK for it. Not act distant.

 

It is understandable that the "honeymoon stage" eventually fades, but it certainly doesn't fade to ignored texts and unwillingness to spend time with her.

[Batya33]

I would stop the sweet texts. Certainly respond to his texts, certainly have your responses be kind, friendly, approachable but decrease drastically the number of texts that are sent each day -tell him you prefer to talk by phone once a day or once every other day and catch up that way.

[rosasnyder811]

Why do you keep hounding him? You asked to see him, and he said "We will talk about it tomorrow, " and then you continued on. He's obviously uncomfortable with the sweet texts, so why do you keep sending them? Stop. He's questioning your relationship, and that stuff is pushing him away. Just talk to him and stop pressuring him if you want him back.

You're doing the right thing by staying in contact, you're just going about it the wrong way. If he sees that he is going to be hounded about his decisions every time he talks to you, he's eventually going to stop.

For now keep it casual and friendly and stop putting pressure on him. He might be acting like a jerk, but if he's a jerk you want to be with, you need to back off.

[LonelyGirl10]

Why do you keep hounding him? You asked to see him, and he said "We will talk about it tomorrow, " and then you continued on. He's obviously uncomfortable with the sweet texts, so why do you keep sending them? Stop. He's questioning your relationship, and that stuff is pushing him away. Just talk to him and stop pressuring him if you want him back.

You're doing the right thing by staying in contact, you're just going about it the wrong way. If he sees that he is going to be hounded about his decisions every time he talks to you, he's eventually going to stop.

For now keep it casual and friendly and stop putting pressure on him. He might be acting like a jerk, but if he's a jerk you want to be with, you need to back off.

 

Point taken. I was doing it because he got mad last weekend when I stopped. When he canceled plans, I just made myself busy. I spent a lot of time with friends. I didn't have my phone by me, so I wasn't texting him much. Sunday night he asked me what was wrong, and why I was distant. I explained that I was busy. His response was that he felt like I wasn't trying, and that I didn't want to be with him. So, I guess I was trying to show him this week that I do want to be with him.

[LonelyGirl10]

So another update. I took everyone's advice, and backed off yesterday. He texted me at 6 PM saying that he was going to his dad's house, but might come over after that. He said he would text me to let me know. I said okay. He never texted me. He never called. Nothing. It's now around 12:30 the next day, and still nothing. I texted this morning asking what happened. No response.

 

I am not imagining things. This is drastically different behavior than how he used to treat me.

[NymphaeaLilly]

You need to talk to him face to face and ask him what's going on not back off that's counterproductive. Don't settle for "nothing's going on" excuse you deserve better after waiting 3 months on this guy to make up his mind about you. If this type of behavior (not seeing you for more than 10 days, keeping a low contact for no apparent reason) is fine with him than YOU need to decide if you can accept this. Tell him everything that bugs you, he needs to know that you aren't happy in this relationship so he could fix it (if he even wants to).

I honestly don't understand why you keep holding onto this guy since December when he makes you so unhappy. What are you getting out of this relationship except a headache?

[Doc Blaze]

If he says nothing going on but doesnt change...why should OP back off...its been since december..i know OP has some insecurity issues but if something is bothering him he needs to man up and say it if something is bothering him..this is what happened to my gf the first time...she kept saying nothing was wrong.....but deep down she had already checked out of the relationship but couldnt bring herself to break up with me because she still "loved me" even though it wasnt working...

 

 

If your not happy..u need to sit down and have some kind of talk to get it back on track..because regardless of if he says nothing is wrong..the relationship doesnt seem right...

[april2010advic]

If he says nothing going on but doesnt change...why should OP back off...its been since december..i know OP has some insecurity issues but if something is bothering him he needs to man up and say it if something is bothering him.."

 

I agree with this. I'm surprised that people are telling you to back off. This guy is being shady, period. Whether he's being unfaithful or not who knows, but he's definitely playing games. You cannot possibly have a healthy relationship without communication. If he needs space fine, but he can't just ignore the problems and keep you in the dark. Stand up for yourself. If you lose him over that then it wasn't meant to be.

[LonelyGirl10]

I honestly don't understand why you keep holding onto this guy since December when he makes you so unhappy. What are you getting out of this relationship except a headache?

 

During the year that we dated, he was the best guy by far that I've ever been with. I did not have one single doubt that I wanted to spend my life with him. It felt like he completed me. And all our opinions on issues were identical. It was just so perfect. I was the happiest that I've ever been. When he told me that he wanted to get back together, he promised that it would be like that again. I just keep waiting for it to be like that. It's like I can't give up hope, because it felt like a once in a lifetime thing.

 

I think I screwed up tonight. He texted me finally today around 4ish and said that his phone messed up last night, and he couldn't text me to cancel. I asked why he didn't send an email, and he replied that his gmail requires him to use his phone for some code to login. I asked to see him tonight, and he told me no again. I didn't really talk much after that, but the anger kept building the longer I thought about it. He never really apologized. So, I lost my temper. Texted some angry stuff. He replied "....", which he knows I hate. And haven't heard anything else from him.

 

I feel like he's messed with my head so much, and I don't know what to do. Part of me wonders if I am insecure and seeing stuff that's not there, and whether I just need to chill out. Or if I'm right, and I need to stand up for myself. I feel paralyzed.

[Doc Blaze]

so u were suppose to hang out yesterday and you didnt and he didnt even tell you why until ? is that correct or am i wrong

 

 

and he didnt want to hang out at all today?

 

 

what kind of relationship is this if you guys dont even communicate or hang out or anything

[Batya33]

I think it's unfair to him to text angry messages and it just shows him you don't really want to communicate with him.

[Amandacast57]

I think it's unfair to him to text angry messages and it just shows him you don't really want to communicate with him.

 

How is it unfair? She has tried numerous times to communicate with him calmly and he refuses to see her. At some point she's going to get frustrated.

[NymphaeaLilly]

During the year that we dated, he was the best guy by far that I've ever been with. I did not have one single doubt that I wanted to spend my life with him. It felt like he completed me. And all our opinions on issues were identical. It was just so perfect. I was the happiest that I've ever been. When he told me that he wanted to get back together, he promised that it would be like that again. I just keep waiting for it to be like that. It's like I can't give up hope, because it felt like a once in a lifetime thing.

 

He obviously isn't the same guy he was before it all went to hell. His words doesn't match his actions. You need to accept that the person you knew is gone and this guy doesn't seem motivated to go back to the person he was, to a kind affectionat boyfriend he was. Maybe if you two talk (it seems like you haven't had a decent conversation in a while) you can discover why is he acting this way, why did he change for the worse.

 

I think I screwed up tonight. He texted me finally today around 4ish and said that his phone messed up last night, and he couldn't text me to cancel. I asked why he didn't send an email, and he replied that his gmail requires him to use his phone for some code to login. I asked to see him tonight, and he told me no again. I didn't really talk much after that, but the anger kept building the longer I thought about it. He never really apologized. So, I lost my temper. Texted some angry stuff. He replied "....", which he knows I hate. And haven't heard anything else from him.

 

I feel like he's messed with my head so much, and I don't know what to do. Part of me wonders if I am insecure and seeing stuff that's not there, and whether I just need to chill out. Or if I'm right, and I need to stand up for myself. I feel paralyzed.

 

You didn't screwed up HE is acting like a total a******! In this time of technology he could easily find a way to let you know he won't come, he could use home phone or text you from his dad's cell or whatever...possibilities are endless. He probably wasn't motivated enough to make an effort and find a way to let you know. It's totally normal that you got angry but you should have said that while you talked to him not text it. that's immature. Why do you have hard time telling him what you think in his face or over phone? It's like this whole relationship is based on texting.

And why don't you go to his place? Why do you have to wait for him to come to you?

 

IMHO you are better without him...he's not the same guy you fell in love with but you need to realize that on your own. Start writing a journal and keep track of how many times he disappointed you, made you sad or angry...it could help you gain a realistic view of the situation.

[Batya33]

How is it unfair? She has tried numerous times to communicate with him calmly and he refuses to see her. At some point she's going to get frustrated.

 

Because she can feel frustrated all she wants -those are her feelings -but to react by hiding behind typed words to send angry messages i counterproductive and not part of healthy communication. He doesn't have to see her or speak to her if he doesn't wish to. If she wants to talk it out then the approach I would take is to send a text "I'd like to talk about this in person or by phone in the near future. Let's figure out a good time to do that. I'm free _____." If all she gets is silence then unfortunately she has her answer.

[Cherry009]

I could be completely wrong but he could have already emotionally checked out of the relationship but is scared of being on his own so wants to keep you around as it is 'habit' and 'familiar' to be with you but the relationship no longer excites him. Some people end up staying with people because it is familiar and convenient and would rather have that than be completely on his own.

 

You have tried to talk to him before but you dont seem to get anywhere with it. He accuses you of playing games when in fact it is him playing the games...breaking up with you, making you wait around for him to decide if he wants you again, says he will call you but then doesnt, says he will see you and then doesnt, acts cold and thinks its perfectly acceptable but then accuses you of playing games when you back off and give him space......what the hell? Since when was this acceptable!? Never. Back off and just do your own thing for the next month (i know this will be sooooo hard as you just want things to get back to how they were but just perseveer with it) and if things havent changed thn you need to tell him exactly how you are feeling and what you want to change. If he is not willing to change and make more effort then tell him that he is not forfilling your needs and that you refuse to carry on how it is.