How to act when the boyfriend starts acting distant

[Silvergalaxy]

Is it possible to fix these problems? Like, if I wanted to stay in the relationship, is there something I could do to fix it?

 

One person cannot fix it, it takes two people for a relationship. The problem right now is that you are the only one trying while he's making zero effort. It looks like he's really not invested in trying again at all. I am not sure why he asked you back at all if he was going to act this way. Are you sure there is nothing going on with this other girl he was seeing in the meantime? I hate to say it but is it possible that he's still exploring things with her while keeping you on the back burner?

 

Please know that this is not your fault whatever he may be telling you. It's possible that you overreact at times but it's clear that this is not one of those times. Ask yourself if you really want to live with this stress of constantly doubting and blaming yourself and trying to fix a relationship which does not exist at this point.

[Cherry009]

Ithink the advice here is falling on deaf ears.....sadly i think the OP will find out the hard way, sometimes it is the best way though.

[LonelyGirl10]

Are you sure there is nothing going on with this other girl he was seeing in the meantime? I hate to say it but is it possible that he's still exploring things with her while keeping you on the back burner?

 

I've been thinking and thinking about this question. My gut reaction is no. He is a good, conservative, honest man. His boundaries are more strict than mine are (which is really rare!). When we first met, we talked about what is the definition of cheating. He always told me that the appearance of cheating is wrong to him. He doesn't hang out with female friends, because he believes that it looks bad, even if it isn't. I've been cheated on twice in the past, and had some trust issues. But I really do trust this man. I just can't believe that he would cheat on me.

 

But there's some really strange behavior going on. He hasn't seen me in almost three weeks. He cancels all our plans. He got a cold sore for the first time in his life. He doesn't call me at all. He barely texts me. He's been spending a lot of time at his dad's house, and even stayed the night there a few times even though he only lives about 10 minutes away. He told me last night that he was going to bed at 7:30 PM. It's weird. So, I don't know.

 

Regardless of whether our problems are my fault or his fault, I'm not happy. I think I'm going to talk to him tonight about it. But I don't know what to say. I don't know whether to just end the relationship, or try to tell him what I need to be happy. Or whether I should ask him what he needs, or what he's thinking about the relationship. I'm scared to talk to him.

[PetiteGirl]

But there's some really strange behavior going on. He hasn't seen me in almost three weeks. He cancels all our plans. He got a cold sore for the first time in his life. He doesn't call me at all. He barely texts me. He's been spending a lot of time at his dad's house, and even stayed the night there a few times even though he only lives about 10 minutes away. He told me last night that he was going to bed at 7:30 PM. It's weird. So, I don't know.

 

Consider he doesn't make an efforts or spend any time with you. I don't think it matters whether if you talk to him or not, because either way he's not going to come clean to you on what's going on. So why waste time on someone like that? You can ask him hundreds of different kinds of questions, try to talk to him and call him a thousand times, but it will all yield the same result.

 

You deserve someone who is equally devoted to you as you are to him.

[ParisPaulette]

I agree with you, something is going on. A 30-45 minutes commute is nothing if you want to see someone. It's insurmountable if you don't. You're bewildered though, because this guy pulls away from you, makes no effort to see you, cancels plans constantly and says and does weird things too. And then when you pull back he's calling and worried--I saw your entry where he canceled on you for a weekend, you said okay and left it at that and went out and did other things then he was constantly texting you asking you if anything were wrong and attention bombing you. And it is pretty bewildering when you're in the thick of a such a push me-pull me relationship. I've been there and then I read an article I wish I'd seen back when I was trying to decide whether to keep trying for the promises being held out to me or leave. link removed

 

Check it out, read it, and ask yourself if this is what's going on. Or maybe you should just show up at your guy's place to talk things out? Don't tell him you're coming, surprise him. It'll get an honest reaction from him and you would then see if anything's going on or what his reaction is to you in person. Communication by text and phone never tells the full story and it's a really lousy way to have a relationship.

[NymphaeaLilly]

Good thing is that you finally got the courage to tell him you're unhappy. But why are you scared to talk to him? I think that's a MAJOR problem in this relationship and will cause you problems in every other if you don't change. IMO definition of a good relationship is ability to talk to your partner about anything and everything. Of course there are topics that are uncomfortable and sometimes even painful to talk about but even than I feel better sharing my thoughts with my bf than keeping them to myself.

You both have pretty bad communication skills and one has to break that habit in order to help other break it too.

If you don't spill out your feelings they aren't going to just go away and he's not going to magically change.

I'm one of those stubborn people who don't quit easily and I have a partner who had no idea what's a good communication but over time he opened up a lot but only coz I set an example of talking to him about what's bothering me.

 

If I were you I wouldn't break up with your guy without having a good honest talk. Don't minimize your opinions and feelings, be 100% honest. Write down EVERYTHING that's been bothering you and keep that paper as a reminder during your talk so you don't forget to mention something once the discussion starts.

Ask him not to put blame on you for every single thing in this relationship coz that's not just immature but it doesn't help solving the problem. He needs to start taking responsibility for his actions.

Ask him if he's happy in this relationship. If he says YES than you know you aren't on the same page and BU is inevitable,but if he says NO than ask him what he'd like to change.

After the talk, if you don't feel 100% better and don't feel relieved that you told him what's on your mind you should probably stop wasting your time and energy on him.

[lemondust]

My gut feeling when reading the posts here Lonelygirl...is that, he's already ended the relationship.......he's just one of those cowardly types who can't say it, can't even admit it to themselves.

 

Don't you deserve better than this?

[LonelyGirl10]

Thank you everyone for all the advice. I'm writing to provide an update on everything that happened this weekend.

 

He came over Friday night, and I could tell immediately that he was acting distant and cold. So I just point blank asked him "Do you want to continue dating me?" He responded honestly, and said he didn't know. He said that he had been positive, and then the cold sore made him rethink it all. He said that I make him feel defensive, and that he thinks I pay attention to too much stuff that he says, and that I hold things against him. I was struggling to not cry, and suggested going to dinner and then talking after dinner. So, we went to dinner and talked about other stuff. When we came home, he said that he wanted to "try" to work everything out and "try to get back to where we were before we broke up. I said okay. He said he already had plans with friends Saturday night, but wanted to spend Sunday with me. Then he went home. I went to bed feeling bad about myself. The whole thing made me feel like I didn't respect myself, and I felt like I should have broken up with him when he said he didn't know if he wanted to date me.

 

On Saturday afternoon, I texted him to tell him that I had to do some shopping in his town Sunday (45 minutes from where I live), so I suggested that I could meet him after for dinner in his town. He said that he preferred to go to my town. I asked why, and was confused. Then he said that he was going to church and "might" get invited to go to lunch afterward with church people. I was even more confused, because lunch plans would definitely be over by dinnertime, and I felt like he was choosing "maybe" plans with people rather than definite plans with me. It was just the final straw, and I saw it as proof that he just didn't care about spending time with me. I told him that it was fine, and said that I thought we should just be friends. He immediately started begging, and called me. I feel really bad about it now, but I completely lost my temper. Everything that I've been feeling since December came out. I had been holding it all in, and kept being supportive and always there for him. I just completely lost it Saturday, and told him exactly how awful I thought he had been treating me. He showed up at my house unannounced, and was crying and begging me back. Once we finally calmed down, we talked about it all. I told him I wanted to end things before we started hating each other, and explained that he hasn't even been treating me the same way he treats his friends lately. I told him that I deserve better. He agreed, and apologized.

 

So, the way we left it was that he promised he would show me how much he cares. He took me on a date Sunday. He's been texting me today. I don't know how long to expect it to continue. I still feel so torn. I feel hopeful. But also almost like I'm expecting it to get bad again. I don't know what to do.

[metrogirl]

So he cried and begged and you changed your mind?

[LonelyGirl10]

So he cried and begged and you changed your mind?

 

Yeah, I guess. I'm probably being stupid.

[metrogirl]

Yeah, I guess. I'm probably being stupid.

 

So what happens when he starts being cold and distant again?

[LonelyGirl10]

So what happens when he starts being cold and distant again?

 

Well, I'm hoping that won't happen. But, I don't know what will happen if it does. I guess at some point I have to give up hope.

[PetiteGirl]

So I'm seeing a pattern where the moment you pulled away he panicked, acted extreme in a way that would get you back. The moment he's got you, he neglected you and blamed you when you brought up something that may make him look "bad" (example: cancelling plans with you, not calling you that caused you to feel upset, etc). In his mind he can't do no wrong. I would imagine it is painful for him to accept that he is equally responsible in this relationship because that would mean he's not perfect like he thought he was.

 

I don't know about you, but this guy sounds like an unnecessary headache. It just sounds like this guy has some kind of major personality issue or character flaw. Whatever it is, you don't want to be taken for another ride. He knew how bad he was treating you all along, yet he still continued to do it until you've lost your temper and finally stood up for yourself. That being said, he knew what he was doing to you and didn't care to change until you're ready to walk away. The question is what are the chances that he will actually make a permanent change? I think deep down you know the answer.

 

Him begging you to stay has nothing to do with whether he loves you or not, it is all about his egos. Having a girl walked away from him will invalidate his perfect image of himself. He doesn't want a girlfriend, he wants a doormat that will worship him no matter how badly he's treating her. The "girlfriend", in this relationship, is secondary citizen. He will always come first unless the source of his ego is being taken away.

 

Don't fall for his trick. It's his fear of losing what he can control. It's all an act until he can get you back being his doormat again.

[LonelyGirl10]

So I'm seeing a pattern where the moment you pulled away he panicked, acted extreme in a way that would get you back. The moment he's got you, he neglected you and blamed you when you brought up something that may make him look "bad" (example: cancelling plans with you, not calling you that caused you to feel upset, etc). In his mind he can't do no wrong. I would imagine it is painful for him to accept that he is equally responsible in this relationship because that would mean he's not perfect like he thought he was.

 

This weekend when I lost my temper, I told him how badly he was treating me. And told him that I have a history of staying with boyfriends for waaay too long, and I don't want to repeat past mistakes. He *hates* my exes, because he thinks that they treated me badly. They didn't, until the end, when I tried to work things out after it was already broken. But, he still hates them. And so when I said that, he started crying and asked if I really thought he was treating me like they did. I think he does see himself as the perfect boyfriend. When I was trying to break up with him this weekend, he told me that I would never find someone who treats me the way he does. And he listed off a bunch of stuff about himself that would be hard to find in another guy, like no female friends, no strip clubs, no porn, and such. He's right that he has a lot of the same values that I do. But, when he makes mistakes, he denies and denies it until he's forced to admit it, and then he goes off the ledge beating himself up about it.

 

I told him this weekend that he has poor communication skills. I pointed out that if I had gotten a cold sore after I had gone out with a guy during our breakup that he didn't like, he would have at least asked the question of whether I kissed him. And, he admitted that I was right. Instead of ignoring me for three weeks after I asked that, he should have told me that it upset him and why. And then it also drives me crazy when we're talking and he'll put quotes around words. Like, he told me that he didn't want to set a definite time for seeing me on Sunday because if something came up he didn't want me to think that he "stood me up." By putting it in quotes, that implies to me that he thinks he didn't actually stand me up in the past and that I'm overreacting. He didn't call to cancel plans until the next day. That is standing someone up. So, this weekend, he admitted that too.

 

He said that he will work on his communication skills, and be more honest with me about how he's feeling. I want to give him that chance. But I do know that I have a history of giving guys too many chances.

[Doc Blaze]

You were suppose to hang out sunday but you didnt....

[PetiteGirl]

He said that he will work on his communication skills, and be more honest with me about how he's feeling. I want to give him that chance. But I do know that I have a history of giving guys too many chances.

 

He had plenty of chances. Staying with him now will only enabling him further to disrespect you. You want to leave with dignity, and hopefully he'll learn a lesson that being irresponsible in a relationship will get him dumped.

 

Him not setting a definite time to see you means that he has other priorities and is not so much into spending time with you. He sure is a bag of excuses isn't he?

 

Saying that you'll never find someone who treats you the way he does? I find that laughable. In that case, I hope that's the truth because being treated inconsistently good and being consistently neglected is certainly not something you'll want to find ever again.

 

Personally, I would rather be with a boyfriend who has female friends, tried strip clubs and porn, yet has respects me and treats me like a queen. Besides I think men who have the ability to have mature relationships with the opposite sex are the type of guys that have open-minded perspective and value of a woman as a person. Meaning he can function normally around her and not be totally consumed with the fact that she has a vagina.

 

This guy has major issues, RUN.

[NymphaeaLilly]

I totally agree.

[LonelyGirl10]

Thanks for all your advice. You helped me to see that it's not my own insecurity that's causing the problems. Well, maybe it is. But I think my insecurity comes from the constant back and forth roller coaster ride that I've been on with him lately.

 

I still don't know what I'm going to do. He's back to being sweet again. We also have a cruise scheduled for 3 weeks from now, that was booked before the original breakup. I think... I'm going to decide now that if he goes back to the cold behavior again, I will leave without thinking about it or giving him another chance. I guess, like, this is his last chance.

[Lazyb0ne]

I've been reading this thread for the past day and finally reached page 12. I was very interested in this thread because I'm going through something similar to you and I understand how you feel.

 

Like what everyone is saying, he is manipulating you from the start. He is a stubborn man who does not admit his mistakes and instead put them on you. He always give you hope and later let's you down. I understand clearly, why you would've give him another chance but how many of these chances can you keep giving him? If I were you, I love give him another chance but to be on the safe side, I think you should be prepared on what to do once he starts to change again.

[LonelyGirl10]

I've been reading this thread for the past day and finally reached page 12. I was very interested in this thread because I'm going through something similar to you and I understand how you feel.

 

Like what everyone is saying, he is manipulating you from the start. He is a stubborn man who does not admit his mistakes and instead put them on you. He always give you hope and later let's you down. I understand clearly, why you would've give him another chance but how many of these chances can you keep giving him? If I were you, I love give him another chance but to be on the safe side, I think you should be prepared on what to do once he starts to change again.

 

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through something similar. It's miserable. I hope it works out for you.

 

And yeah, I'm prepared to leave if he starts acting like that again. I've given him a lot of chances. Both people have to be willing to fix a relationship, and I can't do it alone.

[Doc Blaze]

since u started the thread...i see a continuous pattern..and it always ends the same way...u blowing up and him distancing himself..or other way around...at the end nothing is ever fixed or talked about...do u even know why he continues to distance himself all the time..?

[LonelyGirl10]

since u started the thread...i see a continuous pattern..and it always ends the same way...u blowing up and him distancing himself..or other way around...at the end nothing is ever fixed or talked about...do u even know why he continues to distance himself all the time..?

 

We talk about it. And I always think that we've resolved it. Like right now everything is great. We talked about how we need to improve communication skills, and I can tell he's making an effort right now. As for why he keeps going back to being distant, I have no clue. He wasn't like this for the first year that we dated before he broke up with me. My fear is that he doubts whether he wants to be with me, and gets distant while he's having those doubts. Then when I decide to walk away, it makes him want me again. But I don't know that's true.