Get my name right!!!

[floridagirlal]

This will probably be long. I appreciate anyone who reads it and shares their feedback because I'm at my wits end!

 

Brief history: Been with my husband for 4 years, married for 2. Remarriage for both of us. We are 41 and 42 years old. Both were married for 11 years in previous marriages.

 

For the 4 years we have been together, I have been called by his ex wife's name by everyone....his friends and his family. I have been able to move past his friends calling me by the ex's name but I'm having trouble moving past his parents calling me by her name. They have never, ever offered an apology when it happens. NOT ONCE!! So, Christmas night, his cousin comes up to me and is laughing and tells me that she and her mother and my MIL are in the kitchen laughing because every time they say {hubby's} name, they say {ex wife's} name. Well, it's NOT funny to me at all and it was really hurtful that they would be laughing about it. I went home shortly after and cried.

 

I thought about the situation over and over in my head for about a week and complained to my husband repeatedly (as I've done for 4 years) and he finally confronted his parents and basically attacked them for never getting my name right. I felt good that he had my back but then he turned it around on me and got angry at me because he doesn't see this as a big issue and wants me to just get over it. I ended up calling his mother and apologizing to her for the way DH confronted them and explained that I never wanted a blow up like this, I just wanted to at least have some kind of acknowledgement when it happens so it doesn't become the pink elephant in the room everytime it happens. We cried and talked and had a generally good conversation. That was a month ago.

 

On Sunday, we went to the parent's house to celebrate my birthday and other family birthdays. I felt no tension from MIL but FIL wouldn't speak to me...at all! I don't know what to think of that and don't know what to do about it.

 

Here are the questions that I want answered:

 

1. Am I justified to expect them to call me by MY name?

2. When they do call my by the wrong name, am I right to expect an apology?

3. Is it unreasonable to be upset by this?

4. There is obviously still a pink elephant....what do I do about my FIL not speaking to me?

[FreedomRing]

That is not cool. Just out of curiosity, do your names sound similar? Also, how much contact/communication do they still have with the ex-wife?

[Seraphim]

This happens with my mother. She gets called by her husband's dead wife's name a lot by members of his family. He was married to his first wife for 25 years before she died. He has been with my mom for 20 years now and she still gets called the dead wife's name occasionally even by him. She used to get irritated by it now she just doesn't bother answering if they call her by that name.

 

I can see why you would be upset yes. Sometimes though I think people do it unintentionally. It is habit and they say her name out a habit. If he was really aggressive with his parents I can see why they would not want to talk right now. They got a strip torn off them for something they probably never intentionally tried to do. Just don't bother discussing it anymore for now.

[RedDress]

I think you overreacted.

 

When people are together a long time (especially married), sometimes names just stick in your head. My sister has been divorced for 10 years and people still sometimes say her ex's name by mistake. It's certainly not intentional... it just comes out from time to time (usually not in front of my new BIL). Same with friends sometimes.

 

Should they be calling you by your name? Of course they should. Should they apologize? Of course they should... but it shouldn't have to be a great big "are you ok" ordeal - just an "oops - sorry about that" thing. They aren't doing it on purpose and they are laughing because they realize how embarrassing it is.

 

I think you could have handled it much more gracefully. ("Jane... my name is Jane..." with a smile) I think complaining about it repeatedly and a big confrontation and attack by your husband was over-the-top. I think your MIL and FIL are kind of justified in not speaking as much - they are afraid that something will slip out accidentally and it will be a big drama.

 

It's all been said and done now, though, so I think you should just let time heal these wounds.

[floridagirlal]

Freedom Ring - The names are not even close. We don't even look alike. They have 0 contact with her and they really hate her (according to DH).

 

Victoria - I appreciate your feedback. I know they have never done it intentionally. DH says that they didn't even know that it hurt my feelings. That just baffles me. If they were calling me any other name, I would laugh it off but it bothers me that they equate DH's wife to his ex wife and not to me. I don't understand why they have never tried to acknowledge that they made a mistake so we could move on. Instead, I end up standing there feeling like I don't belong because SHE belongs to DH in their heads.

 

DH is close to his family and I really want to be part of his family but I don't feel welcome when I'm treated this way.

[floridagirlal]

Should they be calling you by your name? Of course they should. Should they apologize? Of course they should... but it shouldn't have to be a great big "are you ok" ordeal - just an "oops - sorry about that" thing. They aren't doing it on purpose and they are laughing because they realize how embarrassing it is.

 

It's all been said and done now, though, so I think you should just let time heal these wounds.

 

I don't want it to be a big "are you ok" ordeal. But I don't want to have to spend hours mentally preparing myself to go to their house and worrying about how I'm going to get slapped in the face this time. If they had ever bothered to say "Oops, I'm sorry" then I think we could all move forward and forget. Instead, I'm left holding the bag of resentment that is getting heavier and heavier.

[Seraphim]

If you really want to be a part of their family I would suggest not having your husband tear a strip off them. It is completely unintentional. If they say the other woman's name say I'm sorry my name is Jane.

[floridagirlal]

I certainly didn't want my husband to confront him the way he did. I think he lashed out at them because he's so sick of hearing my complaints. It was the wrong approach for sure. In his defense though, he did talk to them about this a few years ago and nothing changed...still no apologies and no getting my name right.

[Seraphim]

Well I'm sure they won't forget this time but don't expect it to be smooth down for a while.

[SapphireNoir10]

Maybe just say to them again that you know they are probably upset and you handled it the wrong way but you really do want to be part of the family. Maybe just say it go to you and you just lost it and it upsets you more than may realise.

 

I'm sure they'll understand and i'm sure it will all settle down eventually. In laws can be tough!

[Heather Dawn]

Here are the questions that I want answered:

 

1. Am I justified to expect them to call me by MY name?

2. When they do call my by the wrong name, am I right to expect an apology?

3. Is it unreasonable to be upset by this?

4. There is obviously still a pink elephant....what do I do about my FIL not speaking to me?

 

1. Absolutely!

2. Yes.

3. Nope.

4. Ask your husband what's going on.

[OptomisticGirl]

How long were your husband and his ex married for?

 

I mean, i think you are over reacting a LITTLE but at the same time I can understand why it would bother you on the level it does. I guess for me I'm so use to everyone getting my name wrong I just laugh it off now when everyone does it. My own mom calls me my sister and brother's names before getting to my own.

[becomingkate]

I felt good that he had my back but then he turned it around on me and got angry at me because he doesn't see this as a big issue and wants me to just get over it...

 

1. Am I justified to expect them to call me by MY name?

 

yes.

 

2. When they do call my by the wrong name, am I right to expect an apology?

 

At this point, yes. I can imagine it happening a few times at the start, but it's almost as though it's become an inside joke.

 

3. Is it unreasonable to be upset by this?

 

It depends on whether the jokes are malicious - do you think they are?

 

4. There is obviously still a pink elephant....what do I do about my FIL not speaking to me?

 

I think the fact that your husband thinks you need to "get over it" might be your issue.

[floridagirlal]

My own mom calls me my sister and brother's names before getting to my own.

 

This is a perfect example of why it's a big deal to me. Your mom calls you by your sibling's names because she associates all of you as her children. When his family calls me by the ex's name, it means that they are associating DH's wife to the ex!!

[EssexMan]

This is a perfect example of why it's a big deal to me. Your mom calls you by your sibling's names because she associates all of you as her children. When his family calls me by the ex's name, it means that they are associating DH's wife to the ex!!

 

Exactly. They are all children. You are both wives.

[OptomisticGirl]

This is a perfect example of why it's a big deal to me. Your mom calls you by your sibling's names because she associates all of you as her children. When his family calls me by the ex's name, it means that they are associating DH's wife to the ex!!

 

Again, how long were they married?

[floridagirlal]

Exactly. They are all children. You are both wives.

 

She is no longer a wife. I am and I want that title for myself. I do not want to share.

[floridagirlal]

Again, how long were they married?

 

They were married for 11 years.

[LillyLooWho]

I think you are getting too angry and upset by this. I don't think it is done on purpose. To be honest, if the worst they do is get your name wrong sometimes, that is not too bad. My best friend's inlaws refuse to acknowledge her because she was a divorcee when she married their son. And besides, who cares what they think? YOU know you're his wife and you know HE knows your his wife and you love each other so who cares what others think. You cannot control this so best thing to do is to let it roll off your back as maybe they are getting old and having memory issues. I'm not sure why it is such a big deal. It doesn't MEAN anything. You should feel more secure after four years together. You are just stirring things up and if you DO get what you want (that they never forget your name) it will come at the cost of resentment and drama. Yes it would be nice if they never forgot your name but if they all hate her, then you can be assured that there is no significance to it. I wish you some peace with this.

[abitbroken]

The thing is - they were laughing about it in the kitchen. I would think that they intentionally do it. It is one thing when they first meet you and say "Joan...oh..I meant Melissa." or if they slip up once in awhile, especially the older relatives, but it doesn't seem like they are even trying. That's what would bother me the most. Your husband SHOULD have said during one of these times. "pass the butter, Joan." "MELISSA, would you mind passing the butter to dad?" Or "I am no longer married to Joan, this is Melissa."

 

btw, i was with my ex for many years and there was only ONE slip up by one relative the whole time I have been with my boyfriend and that person caught it themselves. So to me, it is all about effort.

[OptomisticGirl]

She is no longer a wife. I am and I want that title for myself. I do not want to share.

 

I sense a lot of jealousy toward the ex wife (please correct me if I'm wrong) and that may be why this bothers you so much. You have to realize she is a part of his past, and therefore was a part of their family for 11 years. They should of course make an effort to not have slip ups but at the end of te day you have to search for why it bothers you so much.

 

As for why your FIL is acting this way... Well, he's your MiL's husband and just like yours is expected to defend your honor he's expected to defend his wife's. instead of going to them yourself or saying something then your husband - their son - jumped at them. Your FIL is responding by not talking to you.

[Batya33]

Can you respond by calling that person the wrong name with a little, pleasant smile? I think you may have overreacted some.

[ballerinababe]

I don't think you're overreacting at all and I'm surprised others believe you are.

 

I seems to me that your in-laws are making no effort to call you by the correct name and it's gotten to the point where it reflects very badly on them. How thoughtless and careless can they be to make this mistake so consistently?! I would feel so ashamed and embarrassed if I made the mistake they've been making and would certainly make sure it wouldn't happen again. Yes, with the laughing, it's almost like they all think their mistake is something cute or endearing. And how inconsiderate and immature of the FIL to essentially give you the silent treatment now! He is the one in the wrong, not you!

 

The fact that your husband told you to just "get over it" is very insensitive. The whole family sounds sort of nasty to me. I wonder why they hate the ex-wife. It could be they have painted her in a harsh light unfairly. Maybe they actually hate you too and are just an overall hateful family.

[floridagirlal]

I sense a lot of jealousy toward the ex wife (please correct me if I'm wrong) and that may be why this bothers you so much. .

 

Yes, I have had a lot of insecurity about her in the past. I'm not so insecure about her as in the past. I think that no one realizes what this will do to you when you've dealt with it for 4 years. 4 YEARS!! That's a long time.