15 months and he still hasnt said" I love you" back. Thoughts?

[tygerwolf]

My boyfriend and I have a pretty solid relationship. We have been together for about 15 months now. Everyone thinks we are great together, his family and mine included. Even friends. The only thing that truly bothers me about our relationship is his inability to talk about his feelings. Hes a man a very few intimate words to his family or to me. Hes loving and caring by his actions but hes a chump when it comes to words (his family even jokes with me how true it is).

 

About midway into our relationship I told him that I loved him. He hugged me and said that it was a good thing and he thanked me and held me for a while. But since then I have had no reply at all.

 

I try to be understanding in knowing that in the past he has been burned by women. In fact his ex-wife whom he loved and married pretty young, cheated on him and took all his money and left him broke. 8 years later, hes had to move back home and struggles to pay his bills. This is the situation he faces now.

 

I try to be understanding of why hes maybe gun-shy on expressing his feelings. What are all of your thoughts on this? Im sure I could make him say those three words if I really wanted to but I truly just want him to say it because he simply wants to. We talk about the future and he shares everything with me, his hopes, dreams and goals and wants to know mine.

 

Help and advice on this would be greatly appreciated.

[DN]

We talk about the future and he shares everything with me, his hopes, dreams and goals and wants to know mine.

When you both talk about hopes, dreams and goals does he and do you assume that this future includes you two being together?

[becomingkate]

I would find this difficult, especially after a solid year of dating. And although his ex-wife treated him badly, it was eight years ago and he should be able to move on from that by now.

 

I'd have to have a talk with him. Remember that movie Ghost, where Patrick Swayze's character couldn't say "I love you" ? Rather, she would say it and he would say "ditto."

 

I think you'll feel better after discussing it. He might need a little extra undertstanding, or he might need to talk to a counsellor if he's still struggling with it after all this time.

[Natasha24]

Your profile says you are 21, and since he was married 8 years ago, I'm assuming he is at least 28 or 29? Your age might have something to do with it. It sounds like he has experienced much more in life than you have (hopefully that doesn't sound offensive, sorry!) Is it possible that he simply doesn't take the relationship as serious as you do?

[tygerwolf]

When you both talk about hopes, dreams and goals does he and do you assume that this future includes you two being together?

He will talk in a matter of "ifs" sometimes. Like he will say, "If we end up getting married I would like to...(insert fun thing.)" Or I will tell him where I would like to work once I graduate school and he will say something like, "I wouldnt mind moving to california (the place I would like to work)." He tells me what his plan is for life. Like after he graduates he wants to move away from home for a few years and then move back and then have kids he says. He tells me all these things openly but only insinuates my being there. Like hes careful about saying it but surprisingly he brings things like this up often to me. When he expresses his hopes and dreams I reply with an open mind in doing the same things. Basically letting him know that I would be happy to take that path with him.

 

But all the same he will sometimes say things like, "whenever I get married, I want my wife to be able to stay home and raise the kids. But if she made more money than me and wanted to work, I would be willing to watch the kids. I just think its better to raise kids that way."

 

So he will include me and then sometimes he will include a mysterious no name future wife in a matter of what ifs. Its a little odd. I think he sees his future to be a little far off though considering his circumstances.

[tygerwolf]

I am going on 22 this next month. Yes, he is older and more experienced than me. He is 29.

[DN]

And what about you - do you include him in your plans for the future when you talk about them? Have you said "if we get married ..."?

[twodegrees]

Tygerwolf,

 

I was EXACTLY like your ex. My ex gf told me she loved my after 6 month of being together. I never said it. Long story short (read my story), she dropped me 8 months later due to losing feelings from lack of committment (from me).

 

You want this guy to say I love you. Tell him you want to end the relationship because he doesn't give you the security your looking for. Insist on NC. Then pop some corn, sit back and watch the show.

[Deciduous]

Hello tygerwolf,

 

Do you really get the sense that he is "emotionally available"?

 

Having read your post#5, I get the feeling tht the lack of "I love yous" is to do with a much larger issue. He got massively burnt the first time, and he seems to be deep into "George Clooney" territory right now, and shows no signs of coming out of it. This is to do with a basic "fear of commitment" which has come up since the demise of his marriage link removed

 

So he will include me and then sometimes he will include a mysterious no name future wife in a matter of what ifs. Its a little odd. I think he sees his future to be a little far off though considering his circumstances.

 

I think that this man is speaking his mind and leting you into his thoughts. But as they aren't very encouraging, you hope you aren't hearing right. Unfortunately you are. He envisages a married life that is a loonngg time from now - if at all, after his experiences - and he has no intention of commiting in the near to mid future. He isn't capable of it and is still on the rebound. He isn't even up to saying "I love you" So trashed was his feelings in his last relationship, that he simply has nothing to give.

 

The deeper emotional bonding that usually occurs in long term committed couples, has been been stopped in its tracks...BY HIM. Not because this is an inherant part of his personality. But because he is tapped out, running on empty.

 

He cannot give anymore. And because this relationship does not require him to, it is unlikely that he is going change within it.

 

His previous wife did a number on him and he is still in the healing process. He is not at point in his life when he has anything substantial to offer to his partner. That is what he is trying to tell you, I think you already sense this, but it is so heart-breaking that you are hoping he might spontaneously change.

 

You are hoping that your love and affection might warm him up.

 

But he isn't in a position where he can internalise your love and affection, or where he can allow it to penetrate, so this plan is doomed to failure.

 

I'm so sorry. It's so painful to love a person who cannot feel or return its intensity. There is no greater heartbreak. This much I do know.

 

The ball is in your court. The only question is whether this relationship and this level of emotional commitment is enough to sustain you and keep you happy.

 

All the best

 

Deci

[abitbroken]

Some men don't say "i love you" until they have made a decision about you. And when he says it, he is ready to move to the next level. I think that 6 months in a relationship is too soon for some people, but maybe the 2 year mark is a bit too long - which i agree.

 

I think sometimes we mistake a guy or gal talking in general "when I have a wife...etc.." for meaning they don't want to be with us, when really they don't want to pressure us by saying "hey, when WE get married..."

 

I think instead of focusing on if he includes a "we" or not, get an idea of his timeframe. Maybe the next time the subject comes up, say "Hey, if you were to marry again, do you see yourself marrying in the next couple years, or is that something you don't see for maybe a long time off?" Or "you mentioned IF you had kids. Do you see yourself wanting to be a father at some point? Do you see yourself wanting kids in the next few years, or later down the line?" This way, you know if his timeframe matches yours. Really see if this guy is someone that is a guy you could end up with and either stay or go because of that - don't push him to express himself and then dump him the next day for not being on the same timeline.

 

I think I would not bring the "i love you" thing up over the holidays if it is a stressful time for you both, but when things settle down, I would find a way to tell him that it bothers you sometime and it is hard for you to not hear it. It doesn't matter if his ex wife said it early or not at this point/

[abitbroken]

I try to be understanding in knowing that in the past he has been burned by women. In fact his ex-wife whom he loved and married pretty young, cheated on him and took all his money and left him broke. 8 years later, hes had to move back home and struggles to pay his bills. This is the situation he faces now.

 

I want you to consider this carefully also. I just reread this. Does he tell you the story that this evil woman made off with all his money and because of her he is broke? It is one thing to speak factually and honestly to let the new partner know the reason for divorce, but if there is still venom, or if the person does not also say what they have learned from their experience or what their part was in it - then this raises an eyebrow. And if you break up with him, he will tell you about

 

Also, if the divorce was 8 years ago - i could see why he would have moved back home at that time - but 8 years later - even if someone is left penniless, but is working, in that time they might not have quite the savings account they once did, but they certainly have had time to bounce back to the point of putting food on the table and having a modest dwelling (even if they have roomies or rent)

 

If he does not talk about what his part was in the breakdown of the marriage or at least what he has learned (aside from not trusting), then this is a red flag.

 

I could see if he had no huge savings account, etc, but in 8 years, most people recover and based on working through that time, are able to put food on the table, and put a modest roof over their head even if rented or with roomies. I could see where he moved back with his parents right after the divorce...but its been awhile, no? If he has trouble paying bills, did he lose his job or does he have no clue how to manage money?

 

I am not saying living at home is bad, but i would consider all these things. It has little to do with the "L" word and everything to do in if this guy is on the same page as you.

[tygerwolf]

His words or lack there of does trouble me. I believe what you are saying is perhaps true, that he cannot give of himself fully right now. I know that. He is still in college pursuing a degree as he still lives at home trying to pay his bills. He is in no place to fully commit or make any future promises with me. Thankfully I am also still in college living at home, saving my pennies as well for a future. My hope is that by the time he gets his life together, he will be ready. If there is hope for that, which I believe there is, I am willing to wait because I am in no place to make promises either.

 

What conflicts with his lack of words to me ("I love yous") though are his actions. He tries to spend every day with me if he can, he always asks me before he makes plans with friends, he wants to spend time with my family and encourages me to bond and spend time with his family as well (also we always spend the holidays with each others families). He talks about future trips he would like to take with me and projects for us to do together. We are best friends. If we dont see each other for a day or so he calls or texts me throughout the day to see how I am. Perhaps these things are silly. I suppose I hold on to the evidence of his actions in regards to my importance in his life. He has even told me that "I am his rock." That he wasnt sure how he would handle without me. He has even said that he loves my family.

 

Im not asking him to commit to me and promise marriage by any means. Hell, I wont be ready in at least a couple of years anyways. He may be stunted right now but I feel like if I wait it out, he will be able to open up his feelings to me when hes ready. Is it naive of me to be willing to wait?

[tygerwolf]

Actually he sort of blames himself for the divorce. You see, he was in the Air Force for 8 years. He and his wife got married because he was going to be sent over seas and she could only join him if they were married. This was early on when he was first sent over seas. Once they married, he said ok, now you can move in with me (which is what she promised.) She said no and stayed in their home in the U.S., left him for another man and pulled all the money from his savings account. Sadly, he believes that it wasnt fair of him to ask her to marry him when she was so young and he was away for so long. However when he told me this and started blaming himself, I defended him and told him that she married him, knowing what lay ahead. He did not make her do a thing.

 

So he actually moved back home just a couple of years ago. He struggles because he made pretty good money in the air force and spent with that income in mind. And came home with the urge to pursue his dream of becoming a nurse. So he works a minimum wage retail job right now to pay his bills and also pays for college.

 

So he and I are both in college, still in the pursuit of our dream jobs. I am just better off than him financially because my parents pay for my schooling and all of my money goes to my own expenses and gas.

[abitbroken]

If he divorced 8 years ago, how old is he??

 

I think you should wait a LITTLE bit, but after awhile, you should talk to him about your feelings. Tell him how you feel. That you know he cares for sure, but it is important to you that at some point he tells you how he feels.

[tygerwolf]

If he divorced 8 years ago, how old is he??

 

I think you should wait a LITTLE bit, but after awhile, you should talk to him about your feelings. Tell him how you feel. That you know he cares for sure, but it is important to you that at some point he tells you how he feels.

They married young and did not stay married long. (thought they dated for 5 years. They met in high school.). I will be 22 in a few weeks and he is 29 years old.

 

I plan to bring it up sometime soon. Just not during the holidays.

[Deciduous]

Hello Tygerwolf,

 

When you mentioned that his ex ran of with his money and left him for some-one else - A'm I to understand that, that is not how he sees it. He understands her reasons and has reconciled himself to the past. The divorce has gone through and is settled etc, etc.

 

I was also wondering how long the ex and him were together in total and how long it has been since they since up.

 

Hope you don't mind me asking. I'm not sure that I have clarity on the situation

 

All the best

 

Deci

[itsallgrand]

I agree.

 

I think he is comfortable at where the relationship is at now. And it seems obvious he does care about you.

 

It's really about where you see this going in the future, where does he see it going in the future, what are you both able to give, is it compatible.

 

The longer you stay with him, the more you are likely to love him. That's a beautiful thing. But I would be careful as far as putting this on the "out of mind" part of your brain because you do not see yourself worrying about marriage or kids or moving in together for years yet. Better to know now. Because at least then you can make up your own mind one way or another. To wait for a man who is limbo as far as 'what next?' or to go and find someone who clearly can give you all you want. Especially when there is love - it can be really hard to break away - the tendency is to hold on to hope and wait.

 

But perhaps this is where he would like things to be for a long while yet. Maybe he can't even yet truly imagine anything beyond this point. What you wrote of him talking of the future sounded to me of someone in the "brainstorming" phase. When it's something someone is ready for, the language is different. Just my experience.

[LoveLovelove10]

Sounds like he's just very gun shy and it will take him a long time to build up that trust in a relationship again. If you really love him, it's worth it of course to be there for him and work through this lull emotionally for you. I would probably have a heart to heart and tell him how important and how happy it makes you to hear those words. I wouldn't bring up his past or make it like something is wrong with him for not being able to say it... because it sounds like enough people give him crap about him not being expressive. It's not uncommon for anyone to have a hard time expressing themself but especially having been through such a tramatic relationship experience that left him probably feeling worthless...horrible for anyone but especially men who's instinct is to protect, provide and care for. I would make it more about you and your wants and needs. Express that you will always be honest and want to communicate with him effectively because you do care and want your relationship to work. I'd tell him you really need to hear those words to be happy in a relationship, and you are happy now... but in order to continue to grow as a couple, you want to be able to say I love you all the time.

[tygerwolf]

Hello Tygerwolf,

 

When you mentioned that his ex ran of with his money and left him for some-one else - A'm I to understand that, that is not how he sees it. He understands her reasons and has reconciled himself to the past. The divorce has gone through and is settled etc, etc.

 

I was also wondering how long the ex and him were together in total and how long it has been since they since up.

 

Hope you don't mind me asking. I'm not sure that I have clarity on the situation

 

All the best

 

Deci

My boyfriend takes responsibility for what he did to her, by marrying her and leaving for the air force. But she did this knowingly. I suppose the way I phrased it, its how I see the situation. I hate knowing that he would be much happier and better off in life now if she had not left in the way that see did. He sees the wrongs done by the both of them.

 

They were together (dating) for 5 years and were only married for a few months when he was sent over seas. He has not seen her since he was 21 so that was 8 years ago. So they divorced when he was 21.

[tygerwolf]

I totally agree with you. He has even admitted to me that he wishes he could be married with kids right now. He has even said he would love to have children with me but he would be devastated if it happened now. He admitted, "It sounds wonderful in theory, but I would not be able to care for them. I can barely take care of myself right now." Thankfully he is on the path to success. I am trying to help him achieve his goals. He is about to get an associates degree for a better paying job (one class left to take) and is hooking up with friends that are trying to help him get his foot in the door. He has also started saving his money again.

 

Brainstorming, yes. He still has many decisions to make before he sees a "light at the end of the tunnel" so to speak. And im hoping when the time comes, he and I wil both be in the same place. By the time I graduate he will have had his associates for at least a year and hopefully a better paying job.

[Deciduous]

Hello tygerwolf,

 

Many thanks for replying. Right after my post, itsallgrand, wrote the following and think it was very accurate and wise assessment.

 

 

 

 

I geniuely think she has hit the nail on the head. He is living for and in the present and he is very happy with the current parameters of the relationship. He is not looking for it to mutate and grow. Why would he? He loves what he has now. The question is do you?

 

There is no wrong or right answer to this.

 

I am sure he does love you, he certainly cares for you, but the phrase of "I love you" seems to bring up issues of change, permanancy and promises of a future, for him.

 

He has firmly avoided making those promises, which tells you something. You are hoping that he will change. In fact your hopes for the future is entirely dependent on your partner making massive personal changes.

 

I think you need to hear him out and hear what he is really saying. Not what you hope he is saying, alas!

 

You mentioned in your 1st post that you feel you have a "solid relationship." Part of a "solid relationship" is "solid" communication. You also said that you planned to discuss some of the issues and some of your feelings that have come up in this post, after Xmas.

 

I think that is absolutely the right thing to do.

 

You have been together for 15 months and it isn't unatural to want to know how he sees your future together. Don't be shy. An honest talk will clear the air for both of you. If he cares about you as I think he does, he will be honest - and I recommend you take him at his word.

 

All the best

 

Deci

[tygerwolf]

Thank you all so much for your help and insight. Sometimes its hard to see things clearly when were in love. I know I most certainly am.

 

I think you are both right. I can sense it. I am fine with the way things are now but in about a years time I will be graduated and this dynamic as it stands wont work. Its not so much the "I love yous" that matter but the prospects behind those words. I need to start looking for jobs and internships soon. It hit me as I was contemplating this, that I want him to go with me. The fact that he hasn't told me that he loves me troubles me because im so close to having to make a big decision as to where to get a job or internship at. If I must go out of state I need to hear him say he loves me. Im willing to meet him halfway and make compromises but if he is not as invested in us as I am, why should I comprise? I have a lot of hard work ahead of me in preparation for graduation.

[Ms Darcy]

I think you might be getting ahead of yourself tyger talking about him possibly not being committed or moving with you out of state. Just talk to him to understand his feelings and where you two see the relationship going first. It sounds like there is a lack of communication going on.

[redswim30]

OP, I would highly advise you to tread carefully here. You need to keep in mind that there's some big experiences separating you. There's a big difference between having been married and not. I can tell you as a divorcee, that after having a failed marriage behind you, you think a lot more carefully about the possibility of doing it again. After being married, you don't romanticize it as much, you think about what it really means. It's very easy to say one thing, but what you do may be entirely different - Example, my ex always told me he wanted kids. (easy to say) but when the time actually came up when it became a real possibility - he changed his tune. IMVHO, you need to ask him some tough questions and you need to be prepared to hear answers you may not want to hear. On the one hand it's good that he's taking it seriously and not just saying it flippantly, but on the other hand - over a year is a VERY long time to go without saying it. There's a strong possibility that you are not on the same page here.

IMVHO, here are the things you need to ask him point blank (and IMVHO, if you feel you cannot- then you shouldn't even consider marrying him)

 

1. Are you in love with me ?

2. Where do you see our relationship headed ?

3. Would you consider getting married again? If so, can you see yourself marrying me ?

4. What are your long term life goals ?

5. What are some choices you made in your last marriage that you wouldn't make again? (leaving his ex completely out of it )

6. What are some positive things that you took away from your marriage or what did you learn about yourself ? (leaving his ex out of it)

 

If he gets defensive about questions five and six, that's a HUGE warning sign. Or if he just blames her or says they had no good times- another red flag.

 

I really feel that the answers to these will tell you a lot about what you need to know and where his head is at. And even if you feel you've asked these before, you need to do so again as a separate conversation. You really at this point have no idea if you two are even on the same page with your relationship - its present or its future. Time to find out.

[aw1992]

15 months is a pretty long time not to say it, but perhaps he's just scared of getting hurt again??

 

Best thing to do is talk to him, don't go NC - it'll only make things worse.

 

Good luck!