Ms Darcy Posted December 6, 2012 Share Posted December 6, 2012 I agree with Redwood and Itsallgrand. He's playing you ... managing down your expectations. But it's up for you to learn that in time. Link to comment
learning112 Posted December 6, 2012 Author Share Posted December 6, 2012 I'm trying to understand this point of view but I just can't. Let's say marrying a certain guy would require you to... I don't know... move to a different country. Would you uproot your life & move to that country after only 4 months of dating him, before you're even sure where things are going to go? No, it would be dumb to make that big of a sacrifice before you're sure it's worth it. That's how I view him upsetting his parents. I just don't get what some of you are saying about him "playing" me. Link to comment
SilverFactory Posted December 6, 2012 Share Posted December 6, 2012 I'm trying to understand this point of view but I just can't. Let's say marrying a certain guy would require you to... I don't know... move to a different country. Would you uproot your life & move to that country after only 4 months of dating him, before you're even sure where things are going to go? No, it would be dumb to make that big of a sacrifice before you're sure it's worth it. That's how I view him upsetting his parents. I just don't get what some of you are saying about him "playing" me. Let me give you an analogy I am looking for a job and submit my resume to many different companies. Many companies reject me because they cannot hire non-Americans as the company does not have a policy of giving H1 visas. One company contacts me and talks to me on the phone, then selects me for an on-site interview and asks me to travel over to their place. I eagerly go there keeping my hopes up. I clear the 1st round of on-site interview, then the 2nd, then the 3rd... my hopes keep going up. The final 4th interview is over and I return back home joyfully as I am very confident of getting hired. A week later I get a letter from the company that says "sorry we cannot hire you as we do not have the policy of hiring foreign workers. but it was fun interviewing you". Get the point? Link to comment
SilverFactory Posted December 6, 2012 Share Posted December 6, 2012 I just don't get what some of you are saying about him "playing" me. He is not deliberately playing you. I am sure he also likes you and probably has feelings for you. Right now its only 4 months... then it will be 6 months... soon it will be a year. By this time you two are probably in love with each other and you start dreaming of marriage. Pretty much at the same time his parents would arrange a marriage for him with an Indian woman. Your guy might resist the idea and tell them about you. But you have no idea if his parents will agree. You understand? that is the real issue here. 90% of the time Indian parents do NOT agree for their kids to marry outside the culture (my family is an exception) and hence they will pressure him to go with the arranged marriage. He will probably try fighting but eventually give up just like so many Indian men. He will get married to the girl his parents chose while you will be left heart-broken. After reading this read my analogy above one more time and you will understand clearly. All along there was no policy to hire foreign workers but yet they kept interviewing him Link to comment
jaciej Posted December 7, 2012 Share Posted December 7, 2012 It is possible that he is not ready for an arranged marriage regardless whether he was with you or not, but that does not necessarily mean that when it comes to settling down this would be his marriage of choice. He cares about you and enjoys your company, but it is possible that he is enjoying his life in the present and when the moment comes he may gravitate toward a traditional marriage. Regardless of this his excuses don't make any sense. If you are "just" a girlfriend of 4 months why hide it? He is a single man so it should not be a big deal having a female "friend", why should his parents be upset if he is dating. Sounds like you willing to take it has far has it will go, good luck and I hope it works out for you. Link to comment
learning112 Posted December 24, 2012 Author Share Posted December 24, 2012 I just wanted to thank you all for the good advice. You were all RIGHT!! This guy broke up with me after his dad confirmed that he would be devastated by a non-Indian marriage. But he made multiple comments about how he might "live to regret it," and how he still needs me as his best friend. I wonder if it's best for me to walk away completely, no contact? I wonder if he's saying the "best friends" thing so he can have his cake & eat it too -- not disappoint his parents, but still have me "around" because he really doesn't want to break up with me. The reality is, he did break up with me, and that was HIS choice and his regret, not my problem. You know? Link to comment
SilverFactory Posted December 24, 2012 Share Posted December 24, 2012 I just wanted to thank you all for the good advice. You were all RIGHT!! This guy broke up with me after his dad confirmed that he would be devastated by a non-Indian marriage. But he made multiple comments about how he might "live to regret it," and how he still needs me as his best friend. I wonder if it's best for me to walk away completely, no contact? I wonder if he's saying the "best friends" thing so he can have his cake & eat it too -- not disappoint his parents, but still have me "around" because he really doesn't want to break up with me. The reality is, he did break up with me, and that was HIS choice and his regret, not my problem. You know? Hugs! I am sorry to hear this even though I (we) knew this is what is going to happen. Now please don't judge all Indian men based on the actions of this person. We are all not like this. He has broken up with you. As you said it was HIS choice. My advice to you - please initiate No Contact and walk away with dignity. He will continue to sweet talk you and have you by the side for some fun while he has serious relationship with the girl his parents have chosen for him. Do NOT let this guy use you. I feel really angry... it is because of people like this guy that everybody gets a bad name. Link to comment
lavenderdove Posted December 24, 2012 Share Posted December 24, 2012 Oh, i'm sorry... better you know now and get out... No, do NOT stay 'friends'. What that means is he wants an FWB situation until he agrees and goes thru with his arranged marriage in future. I have known at least 200 Indians due to work, and only 1 out of 200 actually married someone who was not Indian, and most were arranged marriages where they hardly knew their brides at all, though some were 'love matches' between Indians who fell in love. Most married relative strangers picked out for them by their families within a few days or weeks of meeting them. I know a couple of non-Indian women who were practically living with Indian men, only to be totally surprised when their BFs left the U.S. for what they thought was just a visit with his parents in India, then came home to announce they just did an arranged marriage to someone else! Link to comment
lavenderdove Posted December 24, 2012 Share Posted December 24, 2012 btw, you can tell if anyone is sincere if they introduce you openly and happily to their family and the family is happy with it and has no problems with the idea of the person dating you. If he tries to hide you from his family, that is always a bad sign and also a sign that he is not serious about you. Link to comment
joe123 Posted December 24, 2012 Share Posted December 24, 2012 He really sounds like he'll never go against his parents wishes and he'll have anyone thats not to his parents liking as a dirty little secret. I think you need to be realistic with how this will inevitably turn out. If he's being secretive now, the likelihood is he won't change. You sound like you need to find someone new. You should never be anyones secret to begin with. Link to comment
SilverFactory Posted December 25, 2012 Share Posted December 25, 2012 These type of posts pains me a lot... not too many American women want to date an Indian guy as it is and with posts like these what little chance is there will be gone soon. I love American women and have tried hard to find a wonderful lady to share my life with. I guess I should just drop my dreams... Link to comment
learning112 Posted December 25, 2012 Author Share Posted December 25, 2012 He's admitting that he's unhappy following his parents' wishes & keeps saying he knows he might regret what he's doing & always wants me in his life... So why not go against them and just continue to date me? It just seems ridiculously illogical. I don't even know how to respond to him. So far I've just ignored him completely. Link to comment
joe123 Posted December 25, 2012 Share Posted December 25, 2012 I think you should continue to ignore him in this instance. He sounds to me like he's stringing you along so he can have what he wants and keep his parents happy too. You'll never be happy in this situation. He sounds quite selfish tbh. I think you should walk away. Link to comment
lavenderdove Posted December 25, 2012 Share Posted December 25, 2012 >>not too many American women want to date an Indian guy as it is and with posts like these what little chance is there will be gone soon. I would like to say that my experience is different than it is, but it is what it is. Out of hundreds I only know one Indian man who married a non-Indian woman. I know many who start out dating an American, but in the end cave to family pressure and take an arranged marriage spouse. So it is what it is... The point I made afterwards is that if you want to date an American woman with serious intent to marry her, then you tell her you will not follow traditional Indian cultura; values and have an arranged marriage, because you and your famliy are fine with the idea of marrying a non-Indian or someone of a different race/culture and a love match rather than an arranged marriage. Then you introduce her to your family, and have them tell her they are fine with it. If you do that it will ally her fears. The issue in this thread is that the guy DIDN'T show her that there was a serious chance it would lead to marriage, in fact he hid her and deceived her because he wanted someone to date, but in the end intended to marry in his own culture. Link to comment
penelope13 Posted December 25, 2012 Share Posted December 25, 2012 I would suggest you to consult a forum more designated for your particular situation. I'm not sure how much advice you can really derive from a forum where the majority of people don't have any personal experience with this cultural difference. There are a few threads on ENA from people who are using the arranged marriage route to find a partner and give a bit of insight into the process. From what I have read/heard there a vast differences on how it's approached and how insistent families are about upholding the tradition. Although the families are initiating the process there are also multiple opportunities for either one of the individuals to pull out of the process without too many ramnifications. It's never easy to be living between 2 so very different approaches to life and thus I can understand that it's easy for an outsider to demand 'just break with tradition and your family', but in practice it is VERY hard to do. OP, many people are jumping to the conclusion - and maybe you can restate - that he is intending to inform his family once the arranged marriage route is approaching an agreement, while I understood that he intended to say that he would inform his family about a non-traditional relationship that he is having once he is sure that relationship enters the phase where he is thinking about marriage and long term with this person. Many people who try to break away from a family tradition (in whichever culture and for whatever reason) often choose the route of least resistance as long as possible without considering themselves or being considered negative characters. Thus before you judge him, clarify with him again that he knows you are only willing to invest into a relationship with the potential that it may eventually lead to marriage (if that is what you want) even if you are not expecting him to make that decision right this minute. More concerning would be for me, if he remains hesitant to interact with your family. Try to figure out if this is due to him just assuming that interacting with family members is equal to declaring marriage intention (which would probably be the case from the culture he is from) or if he is not interested in it for other reasons. Link to comment
learning112 Posted December 25, 2012 Author Share Posted December 25, 2012 He sounds to me like he's stringing you along so he can have what he wants and keep his parents happy too. You'll never be happy in this situation. He sounds quite selfish tbh. Yes. Can any of you imagine doing this to someone? Just a few days after breaking up with me and saying how he will still take care of me, be there throughout my life, etc... He then sent me texts telling me he wants me to be his best friend... I completely ignored all those.. Now today, he's texting me again to say he hopes I have a very merry Christmas. He broke up with me because he chose his parents over me. Yet now he doesn't seem to want to be without me in his life. So why is he doing this? Why not just cut me out of his life... Which is what I'm displaying towards him with my no-contact? Link to comment
learning112 Posted December 25, 2012 Author Share Posted December 25, 2012 duplicate msg Link to comment
learning112 Posted January 29, 2013 Author Share Posted January 29, 2013 OK now I think I'm in a worse situation. He keeps talking about how he can't be with me because of his parents, and he seems to have a huge sense of guilt about seeing me - yet he won't let go. He'll say, "Hey let's go to a movie with a few other people," but then -surprise - it's only me & him, and he's paying for the movie and kissing me good night. But the next day, it's the same old, "You can only be my friend, because of my parents." So then why continue "dating" and telling me how you don't EVER want to be "without me"? I actually got mad and told him, "You could be with me if you really wanted, so please stop saying you can't. You just refuse to ever sacrifice or do anything that's not really easy for you. And I believe that a guy who truly can't imagine his life without me will do more than this." I understand he doesn't want to upset his family. But it seems dumb of me to hang around, hoping things will change, and letting him have his cake & eat it too in the meantime. Maybe if I refuse to just do his little cowardly "secret dating" thing, he'll realize that he really wouldn't want to be without me. Or not. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted January 29, 2013 Share Posted January 29, 2013 He won't let go - but you won't either. You have to be strong and end it with him. And if you are strong, you can't take him back next week. You have to break it off because there is no ending to this story where he introduces you to his folks because he is not considering marrying you. I think its not that he is afraid of his folks only but he believes arranged marriage is the way or his lot in life that he accepts too. I am sorry to say that. He is just trying to blame or dish it out to his parents. Link to comment
learning112 Posted January 29, 2013 Author Share Posted January 29, 2013 I think its not that he is afraid of his folks only but he believes arranged marriage is the way or his lot in life that he accepts too. That's an interesting point. But if that were true, then I'm just not sure why he'd be so adamant about continuing to secretly "date" me or making me promise that I'll always stay in his life. How are those things in his best interest? Why not just detach himself from me if he's so sure? I had been thinking that he wanted to stay really close because maybe if enough time passed this way, he'd become able to tell his parents, this is my best friend I've known for many months/years and I'm sure, and then they'd maybe feel differently. Or maybe that's a dumb theory. Link to comment
SilverFactory Posted January 29, 2013 Share Posted January 29, 2013 Sorry but at this point in time you are doing this to yourself. You can no longer blame this on him. I honestly am very surprised to see this post. I thought you had ended it with him after learning about his arranged marriage. Why exactly are you still talking to him/spending time with him? He clearly took advantage of you and continues to do so and I am surprised how you are not seeing it. He didn't want to marry you did he? He is just going to go with some woman that is a complete stranger but chosen for him by his parents. Did he show some back-bone and say to his parents that he will not marry a stranger when he is dating another woman (you)? HE DID NOT. I repeat, HE DID NOT. You have your answer right there! As I had already mentioned to you he will continue to sweet talk you and take advantage of you BUT he will never get married to you. Can't you see he is playing you? An Indian wife on one side and an American girlfriend on the other side for fun, wow he is really a lucky guy! I am saying this right now - He will NEVER marry you! He will get married to a woman his parents select for him and continue to have his way with you on the side. If you are happy with this arrangement fine, if not you need to cut him off completely from your life. Initiate No Contact and stick to it. I get really upset and angry when I hear these type of stories. It is these type of spineless guys that give the bad name for people that actually have the courage to stand for their woman (other Indian men like me). I have already lost an American woman because of such guys.... Please have some self respect and cut off this guy! Link to comment
learning112 Posted January 29, 2013 Author Share Posted January 29, 2013 He clearly took advantage of you and continues to do so and I am surprised how you are not seeing it. He sounds really genuine in saying how much he cares & always wants me to be part of his life. I mean, he stays in touch with me every day and he isn't trying to use me for sex. Why bother if he didn't truly care? And I'm assuming he wants to stay close/ is so afraid of losing me (his words) because he isn't actually sure in the end that he wants to go against his parents. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted January 29, 2013 Share Posted January 29, 2013 That's an interesting point. But if that were true, then I'm just not sure why he'd be so adamant about continuing to secretly "date" me or making me promise that I'll always stay in his life. How are those things in his best interest? Why not just detach himself from me if he's so sure? I had been thinking that he wanted to stay really close because maybe if enough time passed this way, he'd become able to tell his parents, this is my best friend I've known for many months/years and I'm sure, and then they'd maybe feel differently. Or maybe that's a dumb theory. If he did not believe in arranged marriage, he would date you openly. Even if you have not been dating long enough to meet eachother's folks, you would have met his close friends, maybe some peers from his family such as siblings or cousins who he hangs out with. No one says he doesn't care for you, but he has accepted his lot in life. It is up to you if you want to be the woman to be cast off once he meets his arranged bride to be. Unfortunately, I have worked with many young men where this is the case. One was even quite open on who he was dating and told me "it was only until he married" and his parents were working on getting to know parents of different girls already. When you think about it, you are like a woman dating a married man who tells her he loves her, goes out with her, wants her close, but won't leave his wife. I mean, maybe it will happen - but it is extremely unlikely. He sounds really genuine in saying how much he cares & always wants me to be part of his life. I mean, he stays in touch with me every day and he isn't trying to use me for sex. Why bother if he didn't truly care? And I'm assuming he wants to stay close/ is so afraid of losing me (his words) because he isn't actually sure in the end that he wants to go against his parents. What do you truly want? I mean - are you fighting to get introduced to his parents on principle even though you know that he will still not marry you? Or are you wanting to marry this guy someday? If he ultimately wants an arranged marriage, then it is pointless for him to introduce you to his parents. Also, do you really want to be with someone who hides you, or where his parents seem to rule with such an iron fist? I mean, if you married this guy, then you would surely have them strongly weighing in daily if you had kids, or about keeping a home. If you don't want that longterm, then I would just move on. If you want him to be "all in" and to defy his parents and culture and go against protocol, then you have to be "all in" too and not ask him to introduce you to them when you are not sure about this guy in the long term or you are using the introduction as validation for yourself and then you move on. You can't use usual expectations here (meet guy, guy introduces you to family...). So unless you absolute feel this guy is "the one" then I would not push to meet his parents. If his parents DID accept you which I doubt, they would expect you were a potential marriage prospect and not the typical "ah, that's wonderful, our son met a nice girl to go on dates with." He doesn't want to lose you - he wants you to go on dates with him, but doesn't want more. It is probably lonely if he can't date officially someone he is not betrothed to so he is using you as a placeholder. In other words, don't be so eager to want what you can't have if you don't really want it. Link to comment
learning112 Posted January 30, 2013 Author Share Posted January 30, 2013 What do I want? Not someone who doesn't want me. But from the way he talks, and acts, and how he seems to just want to get closer & closer, I just can't convince myself that he isn't considering dating me even if his family doesn't want it. He said he just doesn't see how we can get married with his family... I didnt know marriage was even ever a thought in his mind...but I just wonder if he'll grow up, realize What he really wants & that it's not this current state. Link to comment
SilverFactory Posted February 4, 2013 Share Posted February 4, 2013 What do I want? Not someone who doesn't want me. But from the way he talks, and acts, and how he seems to just want to get closer & closer, I just can't convince myself that he isn't considering dating me even if his family doesn't want it. He said he just doesn't see how we can get married with his family... I didnt know marriage was even ever a thought in his mind...but I just wonder if he'll grow up, realize What he really wants & that it's not this current state. I can understand how confused you must feel... I really do!! Here is the thing - nobody is saying that he does not care about you or like you. He does, BUT he is NOT willing to go against his parents and marry you (if things go well between you two). Instead he is gearing up to marry an Indian woman that will be arranged by his parents. He will talk to you, spend time with you etc... but what do you think is going to happen once he gets married to an Indian woman? Do you think he will continue to spend time with you? Do you think his new wife will be ok with that? No way!! You will be left alone feeling totally used! If you are ok with talking to him and spending time with him UNTIL he gets married (to someone else) then its ok. If not then you got to put an end to this once and for all. I really suggest you end things with him for your own good. Link to comment
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