Dating someone Indian. I'm not.

[learning112]

Instead he is gearing up to marry an Indian woman that will be arranged by his parents.

 

He actually said how he's super upset about an arranged marriage, but his mom is sick and he doesn't want to upset her so "I guess this is what I have to do." But he keeps trying so hard to get me to promise that I'll be in his life forever. Almost like he'll have my emotional bond to make up for the unhappiness he'll feel about an arranged marriage. Well, he hasn't said a thing about going against his parents & marrying me instead. So I need to move on, officially consider myself single, date other men. If he ever realizes how sad he is that I've moved on, then maybe he'll change. But if not? Then I did the right thing anyhow by moving on to other guys. And why would this guy respect me anyhow if I'm hanging on, chasing after him, after he broke up with me?

[abitbroken]

He actually said how he's super upset about an arranged marriage, but his mom is sick and he doesn't want to upset her so "I guess this is what I have to do." But he keeps trying so hard to get me to promise that I'll be in his life forever. Almost like he'll have my emotional bond to make up for the unhappiness he'll feel about an arranged marriage. Well, he hasn't said a thing about going against his parents & marrying me instead. So I need to move on, officially consider myself single, date other men. If he ever realizes how sad he is that I've moved on, then maybe he'll change. But if not? Then I did the right thing anyhow by moving on to other guys. And why would this guy respect me anyhow if I'm hanging on, chasing after him, after he broke up with me?

 

I think you could be in danger of really wanting to marry this guy because he is someone you can't have or because you won't be introduced to his parents without it. Would you honestly choose this guy based on his other qualities (compatibility in ideas about kids, faith, handling money, etc) if you were looking for a husband rather than merely wanting a boyfriend who will go to the next step and intro you to the folks? If there is one little reason at all why you wouldn't want this guy to be your future husband - you should leave and stop putting up with this. He is not a prize to be won by the best woman.

 

Also, do you realize that if he is keeping the arranged marriage because mom is not doing well and he doesn't want to upset her, if mom takes a turn for the better, you know he will continue to put the blame on her for other things he claims to not want to do. I understand familial pressure, but he really deep down does not truly want to break tradition because if he did - he would have done it. He would have become independent from his folks and dated who he wanted to date. There are people who indeed do that once the are in the USA if it is something that is so important. Sure, they may risk family favor for a time, but they live with it if it is THAT important to them.

 

I honestly think that he is trying to set you up to be a mistress during his marriage or is just assume you will go away once he is married. You will be doing the right thing if you move on and heal and eventually meet a guy who wants to be with you regardless if he is sad about it or not because it is about your own happiness.

[SilverFactory]

He actually said how he's super upset about an arranged marriage, but his mom is sick and he doesn't want to upset her so "I guess this is what I have to do." But he keeps trying so hard to get me to promise that I'll be in his life forever. Almost like he'll have my emotional bond to make up for the unhappiness he'll feel about an arranged marriage. Well, he hasn't said a thing about going against his parents & marrying me instead. So I need to move on, officially consider myself single, date other men. If he ever realizes how sad he is that I've moved on, then maybe he'll change. But if not? Then I did the right thing anyhow by moving on to other guys. And why would this guy respect me anyhow if I'm hanging on, chasing after him, after he broke up with me?

 

haha... of course mommy won't like it if he married a non-Indian woman

 

I am not surprised that he said this... they all do! just act powerless and put the blame on mommy. How old is he again?

 

When my parents brought up the issue of marriage I boldly said that the girl will be of MY choice and they completely agreed to it. May be I am in the minority among Indian men.

 

I honestly think that he is trying to set you up to be a mistress during his marriage or is just assume you will go away once he is married. You will be doing the right thing if you move on and heal and eventually meet a guy who wants to be with you regardless if he is sad about it or not because it is about your own happiness.

 

abitbroken nailed it here! this is exactly what this guy will do. once again - he does like you and may be even cares about you BUT he will never get married to you. He will get married to the Indian woman and have you on the side (if you know what I mean).

 

You seem to be a very kind and caring woman. even though I have never seen you I believe that you must be a beautiful woman. I really hate to see you get so hurt and upset for something that you did not do. That is why I urge you to call this off for your emotional and mental health.

[learning112]

It isn't that easy.

we talk every day. There always seems to be a reason he's thinking of me. And they're real things. A genuine friendship. He wants to make all kinds of future plans, like horseback riding in the spring. He's confiding in me about how he doesn't want an arranged marriage and yes that may be odd. But I can't help but wonder if he is ultimately going to change his mind because come on -- what is really so critical about being "just friends" with ME instead of just his other friends? Without trying to get sex out of it (which he isn't)?

[abitbroken]

It isn't that easy.

we talk every day. There always seems to be a reason he's thinking of me. And they're real things. A genuine friendship. He wants to make all kinds of future plans, like horseback riding in the spring. He's confiding in me about how he doesn't want an arranged marriage and yes that may be odd. But I can't help but wonder if he is ultimately going to change his mind because come on -- what is really so critical about being "just friends" with ME instead of just his other friends? Without trying to get sex out of it (which he isn't)?

 

The problem is what it is doing to you. If you genuinely care for him romantically, it is messing with your head him asking you to do things in the future. (but going horseback riding or going to a concert is not any sort of commitment) It is not like you both decided you aren't right for eachother romantically and decided to be buds. Everything he does has you thinking he is changing his mind about an arranged marriage - every little thing. I think he is telling you all the time he doesn't want an arranged marriage but he has to so that you will continue to talk to him and he likes having the company. He may not believe it at all.

 

I honestly think that you are being too passive about this. You are allowing him to contact you and see you whenever he pleases. If he really doesn't want you "in that way" - never to introduce you to parents, to bamboozle you by planning "group outings" and it ending up being just the two of you, it is not what YOU want and need in a relationship. The only way you can be "friends" is if you cut him out of your life right now and move on. If after a time you don't care one way or the other whether he gets married to someone arranged or if he wants you or not, then you are at the point of friendship. And the only way you can be in a relationship with him - the one that is right for YOU is if he is open about your relationship. And since he refuses to be and makes excuses - there are plenty of other guys out there that will introduce you to friends and at an appropriate time, the whole family and it will be no big deal and he will love to be seen with you.

 

So long as you allow him to contact you and treat you like a girlfriend but not in the way you want, he thinks you are compliant with this arrangement. He has no reason to change his course in life because he can have your company either way.

 

I don't think you answered this question unless i missed it - but do you really really want this guy? I am not asking how much he likes you - but are you guys compatible on so many points in life, etc, that you would naturally choose this guy in a choice of several other guys - real or imaginary because you feel you have found your ultimate match in life? Yes or no? If you can't answer a definitive yes, then why would you wait to see if he changes his mind? There are guys that I dated that the attraction, great conversations, etc, were all there, but they were either major commitment phobes or we just weren't right - very different faiths, very different lifestyles and ways of going about life, etc. and we just wouldn't work in the long run. If we weren't treating this sensitively because of the cultural differences, I would say he is a classic commitmentphobe - telling you all the reasons why he can't be with you, but expecting that you would hang around. But that's just me.

 

You have to ultimately decide what you want and what you will tolerate - if you want to tolerate this - that's fine, but if you really want to see if he will commit to you then you have to go away. he can't miss you if you are always there. He does not have to do anything. I think you should really listen to everything Redwood SHores has to say.

[learning112]

So long as you allow him to contact you and treat you like a girlfriend but not in the way you want, he thinks you are compliant with this arrangement. He has no reason to change his course in life because he can have your company either way.

 

You have to ultimately decide what you want and what you will tolerate - if you want to tolerate this - that's fine, but if you really want to see if he will commit to you then you have to go away. he can't miss you if you are always there. He does not have to do anything. I think you should really listen to everything Redwood SHores has to say.

 

I see it differently. First and most impotantly, disappearing completely is not what I want. And I also think it'd make him feel like, "well she obviously doesn't care that much about me & easily moved on." But if I'm still friends with him, then no, he's not getting "everything he wants." Instead I'm around periodically reminding him of how compatible we are, how much he misses me, etc -- thus, he would never forget me or completely move on from me -- but he doesnt get the benefits like knowing that I'm not with another guy (security), or the sex, etc. To me that seems like more motivation to change one's mind anyhow.

[SilverFactory]

I see it differently. First and most impotantly, disappearing completely is not what I want. And I also think it'd make him feel like, "well she obviously doesn't care that much about me & easily moved on." But if I'm still friends with him, then no, he's not getting "everything he wants." Instead I'm around periodically reminding him of how compatible we are, how much he misses me, etc -- thus, he would never forget me or completely move on from me -- but he doesnt get the benefits like knowing that I'm not with another guy (security), or the sex, etc. To me that seems like more motivation to change one's mind anyhow.

 

Ok looks like you still think he will change his mind and consider a marriage with you (instead of the arranged marriage).

 

Good luck with that!

[PaintWithLight]

I see it differently. First and most impotantly, disappearing completely is not what I want. And I also think it'd make him feel like, "well she obviously doesn't care that much about me & easily moved on." But if I'm still friends with him, then no, he's not getting "everything he wants." Instead I'm around periodically reminding him of how compatible we are, how much he misses me, etc -- thus, he would never forget me or completely move on from me -- but he doesnt get the benefits like knowing that I'm not with another guy (security), or the sex, etc. To me that seems like more motivation to change one's mind anyhow.

 

Why waste your time on this approach? He has an arranged marriage waiting for him, he had a little exotic excitement with you but had his exit strategy already planned the whole time. Now you are left waiting....as stated above...good luck.

[rosasnyder811]

I've had friends that have married Indians. It has not been easy, especially with the family. It all comes down to whether this is what you want.

[abitbroken]

I see it differently. First and most impotantly, disappearing completely is not what I want. And I also think it'd make him feel like, "well she obviously doesn't care that much about me & easily moved on." But if I'm still friends with him, then no, he's not getting "everything he wants." Instead I'm around periodically reminding him of how compatible we are, how much he misses me, etc -- thus, he would never forget me or completely move on from me -- but he doesnt get the benefits like knowing that I'm not with another guy (security), or the sex, etc. To me that seems like more motivation to change one's mind anyhow.

 

Okay - you STILL did not answer my question. Please answer it.

 

Do you honestly think this guy is the love of your life? Do you think he is compatible in every way? Do you share similar views about life - faith, where your lives are going, that would indicate he would be a great father to your future kids? If he said "okay, I am going against my parents wishes and would like to marry you" would you actually WANT to marry him? If the answer to any of this is no - there are more fish in the sea.

 

He IS getting what he wants because you are still around. It could be an ego boost for him. He gets your companionship, etc. And quite frankly, a girl that sticks around when a guy tells her "i like what we have but don't see us long term" and not only sticks around but constantly is marketing herself to him comes off as a bit desperate. He doesn't get the benefit of knowing that you are not with another guy, but you won't find another guy because you are stuck on convincing THIS guy to be with you.

 

What if he weren't Indian, and he told you "I don't believe in marriage or monogamy" - would you hang around convincing him why he should give it a chance? And pointing out that he is not currently seeing anyone else so he is "doing monogamy" and can change?

 

He is speaking loudly and clearly to you.

 

Honestly, he will do NOTHING different if you continue as you are. You have to end contact with him and go your separate ways. That is the only card you have. Because he will not fully consider what he has lost until you are gone. It doesn't matter how you try to convince him. Right now he knows that he doesn't have to lift a finger and you will be there. And he likes that arrangement. If you end thngs with him and tell him that he can call some day when he is ready to introduce you to his folks the next day, that is setting a boundary. You may end up getting disappointed - but at least you will have your answer - even though you already have it now. You are missing out on a guy who really wants to be with you fully, you know, by sticking around.

[abitbroken]

. To me that seems like more motivation to change one's mind anyhow.

 

to YOU, but not him.

 

"well she obviously doesn't care that much about me & easily moved on.

 

It says "dang, this woman is serious!" It shows self respect.

[learning112]

Or it's just out of sight/out of mind, and he assumes that I wasn't worth it & must have never cared about him that much anyhow if I don't even care to keep in touch as a friend as he sorts through these issues with his parents trying to force him to do something he doesn't want at all.

[abitbroken]

Or it's just out of sight/out of mind, and he assumes that I wasn't worth it & must have never cared about him that much anyhow if I don't even care to keep in touch as a friend as he sorts through these issues with his parents trying to force him to do something he doesn't want at all.

 

Okay - what do you ultimately want. If you want to meet his parents and do not want a relationship with him unless you do and unless he is open about you being together, then you have to set a boundary. His choice is either to introduce you to his parents and have a real relationship with you - or forget it. By sticking around, you are telling him that you are not serious about your wants and to not take them seriously. You don't mean anything that you say. That is what you are showing him! You are showing him that you have little value because you will take anything he gives you! And tell him not to contact you unless he is serious.

 

You are NOT friends because you are constantly trying to show him how compatible you are. Friends don't do that.

 

Okay - you STILL didn't answer my question. Do you want to marry this young man? Do you think he is the love of your life? Are you compatible on all areas - ideas about raising kids, life direction, money handling? If you are encouraging him to reject arranged marriage and date you - you better put your money where your mouth is and be serious about him. If you don't see yourself with him for the rest of your life - then don't bother. Move on. What if he decides he doesn't want an arranged marriage and you decide he is not for you after all of this? So if you really want to pursue him despite what he has told you - you have to be very serious.

[learning112]

I am that serious but I don't know how to convey that to him or even if I should.

[erzerum7]

I would stay away. I know a case in church of an Indian-white marriage. His parents kept on pushing and pushing and pushing at it. Despite the fact that he was married for years. Despite the fact that they had 3 children together. Despite the fact that he had converted to Christianity and met her in a church. Despite the fact that there weren't apparent internal frictions in the marriage.

 

His parents managed to push him to divorce his wife, leave his children, and remarry some young Hindu Indian chick his mother hand-selected for him back in India. I believe he was even dating this chick before the divorce was finalized. They obviously were very pleased to shun three of their biological grandchildren and break a marriage just so they could have their perfect racially-pure Hindu couple.

[erzerum7]

Or it's just out of sight/out of mind, and he assumes that I wasn't worth it & must have never cared about him that much anyhow if I don't even care to keep in touch as a friend as he sorts through these issues with his parents trying to force him to do something he doesn't want at all.

 

Well then he's just a weakling and not worth your love or being father to your children. I would have a lot more respect for him if he articulated this arranged marriage stuff (and his culture in general) as his own ideal. A grown man in this day and age and country (America, not India!) claiming that he's being forced into a marriage against his will by mommy and daddy is pathetic.

[learning112]

Well then he's just a weakling and not worth your love or being father to your children. I would have a lot more respect for him if he articulated this arranged marriage stuff (and his culture in general) as his own ideal. A grown man in this day and age and country (America, not India!) claiming that he's being forced into a marriage against his will by mommy and daddy is pathetic.

 

I was thinking that same thing!!! It wasn't right from the beginning, "This can't get serious." He waited until a few months in, then actually broke up with me for other reasons at first ("We're going to be far apart too often because of my traveling sales job")... Then he only brought up to me in an EMAIL -- multiple days later -- that he actually "couldn't" be with me because of his parents. He couldn't even talk about it to my face. But yet he endlessly tells me how great I am and how he can't imagine life without me.

[boathouse]

I'm sorry to hear you guys broke up but please see this as a blessing for your own good so that you do not waste your precious time.

 

DO NOT CONTACT HIM under any circumstances.

He couldn't even be man enough to tell you up front about his parents' arranged marriage plan for him so he's not even half a man. Forget this guy and go find someone who is honest with you and respects you. He know up front exactly what he was getting in with you but he never communicated to you his intentions, now fast forward a couple of months later he emails you his plan? Sorry to say that he used you all along.

 

There are some traditions that are rarely broken, and I'm afraid that arranged marriages is one of them. I know numerous people who have parents preferring arranged marriages for their children (both male and female) and in all the cases that I know the parents all won in the end despite how miserable the children are. The Indian culture highly regards the parents beliefs and wishes. I have friends whose parents did not approve of their partners and forced their children (through whatever means) to end the relationship, even when the partners are Indian. So imagine the treatment you would likely get from his parents just given the sole fact that you are not Indian.

 

Recently an old friend of mine reached out to me and asked me on a date. He's a doctor, great personality, handsome, looking for long term, treats me like a queen. He's always thought the world of me over the past 12+ years we've known each other. However knowing his culture I decided to test him out by asking him that if we date when will he introduce me to his mother, his response was something like this: "oh my mother's very traditional, I never bring any girl home". So there you have it. His answer cemented my suspicion of how strongly cultural influences and traditions can be.

 

I'm not saying every Indian family is like the ones that I know, but if I were you I would just walk away and never look back. Chances of him turning his back on his family is next to zilch!

[abitbroken]

I am that serious but I don't know how to convey that to him or even if I should.

 

How can you be "that serious" if you have huge cultural incompabilities? Think a minute - what things aboiut this guy would make you want him for life when he frustrates you so deeply just this stage of the game. Romance and dating is one thing, but being partners for life is another.

 

 

I was thinking that same thing!!! It wasn't right from the beginning, "This can't get serious." He waited until a few months in, then actually broke up with me for other reasons at first ("We're going to be far apart too often because of my traveling sales job")... Then he only brought up to me in an EMAIL -- multiple days later -- that he actually "couldn't" be with me because of his parents. He couldn't even talk about it to my face. But yet he endlessly tells me how great I am and how he can't imagine life without me.

 

The other half of this is when he told you that he could not be longterm because of the arranged marriage, you chose to stick around and have hope or survive off breadcrumbs. If he did not say "arranged marriage" and said that he can't be with you because he was 1) still married. 2) has the authorities after him 3) Is actually gay and hoped you would just be cover for him, you would have hightailed it out of there and not accepted another call from him. But you chose to believe it can't possibly be true. If he had any of those other things be the case, you would see all of the talk of you being so wonderful as manipulative. He wants his cake and wants to eat it too.

[SilverFactory]

learning112, I am really not sure what makes you feel so confused. He has clearly told you that he will go for the arranged marriage, didn't he? So what exactly is your confusion? is it because of the fact that he says he cares about you a lot, won't be happy in his arranged marriage, etc? None of that matters! why? Because you and him are not going to be together, period. He is just sweet talking you but will never get married to you. You are setting yourself up for major disappointment and pain if you think that he will change his mind and consider a marriage with you. Sorry, not going to happen!

 

...... and I am alerting you now in advance - with Valentine's day coming up he is going to smother you with affection, sweet talk, how he misses you etc. Do not fall for it!

 

I think you have been given wonderful advice here in this thread. It is up to you now whether to continue talking to him and seeing him. Our advice is that you don't. If you do, hold yourself responsible and do not blame him or the Indian culture of arranged marriages because you have been sufficiently warned!!

[learning112]

If he did not say "arranged marriage" and said that he can't be with you because he was 1) still married. 2) has the authorities after him 3) Is actually gay and hoped you would just be cover for him, you would have hightailed it out of there and not accepted another call from him. But you chose to believe it can't possibly be true.

 

But he just seems so weak & wishy-washy about doing what his parents want. "They're crazy but I guess if I want to make them happy when they're sick..." I interpret this as...

1) If he were positive he wanted an arranged marriage, he wouldnt' continue keeping me close, because then it'd just hurt worse for him when he detached himself from me in favor of a stranger he doesn't love. I think he's afraid to let me go & "lose" me because then if he ever got up the courage to stand up to his parents, I'd be gone.

 

2) If he were positive he wanted an arranged marriage, he woudln't have originally broken up with me "because of distance" and then days later, slowly start bringing up how his parents may be an issue...

 

3) He's obviously immature (even from his buddies' comments on unrelated matters). I have reason to think that as he "grows up" a bit he'd change his perspective. Especially after direct comments from him like "I may end up regretting this.." via tears.

[penelope13]

you know that he is trying to set you up as his mistress while he officially marries someone else?

 

he doesn't have the guts to break with his family, but he wants to have you too. currently you are delivering all the proof he needs that he just has to say the right things for you not to leave him.

 

people with character don't act in this manner

[learning112]

you know that he is trying to set you up as his mistress while he officially marries someone else?

He's not trying to sleep with me at all. Just this constant communication displaying how "much he cares." and he seems to freak out the more I back away. On some level I am curious, if I said I could never speak to him again unless it was going to be a committed relationship someday, what would he do?

[penelope13]

He's not trying to sleep with me at all. Just this constant communication displaying how "much he cares."

 

same differences.

 

while he does his family duty, he wants you to be his emotional support.

 

if you have read around this site, you will notice that for some people having an emotional connection to someone besides their partner is considered emotional infidelity and hurts as much if not more if there was physical infidelity involved.

 

so him setting you up to be there for him and to support him while he is doing what his family expects is him cheating you out of the possibility to have a fulfilling relationship with someone else while he gets to remain a coward.

 

by you not demanding clear actions from him (either by telling his family that he doesn't want an arranged marriage or by letting you go) you signal that you don't have enough self respect to demand being treated with the dignity you deserve .

 

you cannot persuade him that you are 'the right one for him' by putting up with his wishy-washy behavior.

 

if you want a minimal chance (although I don't know why you would still want him after the way he acted) - you need to drop him and demand that he is either 'all in' or he doesn't get the benefit of interacting with you.

[SilverFactory]

it'd just hurt worse for him when he detached himself from me in favor of a stranger he doesn't love

 

Did it ever occur to you how much YOU would hurt when he detaches himself from you? At least he will have some one in his life (his Indian wife), who will YOU have?