Dating someone Indian. I'm not.

[learning112]

I’m white and I live in California. I’m dating a guy who’s originally from India (4 months). His parents live near us, but he hasn’t introduced me. I asked why. He said his parents think they get to arrange a marriage for him, & so he can’t tell them he has a girlfriend until right before he’s about to get married. Meaning, we have to keep our relationship secret in the meantime so they don’t find out. I've never heard of something like this, and if he wants to keep us secret from them now, why would I think he'd ever change that later? (Note: we've had multiple serious convos where we've established we are exclusive, that I wouldn't continue seeing him if he wasn't at least considering something long term because I don't want just casual dating at this point in my life... etc)

 

I’ve also noticed he’s pretty private about us in general. Likes to take me out on proper dates instead of just hang out at my place late -- he says he doesn't want to disturb my sister by being over late at night. Seems reluctant to hang out with my family also at this point, even though he'd be welcome. I’m trying to understand the situation and the cultural differences here, and I was hoping someone might be able to help me. Thank you.

[pippy longstocking]

well it sounds normal to me in the realms of arranged marriage / having secret girlfriend ..

 

does he intend to ever tell them , is he going to carry on and drop the bombshell when you and him have decided to get married ...

 

I would be very concerned that he just isnt having fun with you until it is his time for an arranged marriage

[learning112]

I would be very concerned that he just isnt having fun with you until it is his time for an arranged marriage

 

his words were: he can't tell his family until he reaches a very serious point in a relationship. until, not unless. that certainly implies that he doesn't just plan on going along with something arranged. and i've made it clear i want a real relationship, not something casual/"for now." and he did not back off after that discussion in the least.

[PH88]

his words were: he can't tell his family until he reaches a very serious point in a relationship. until, not unless. that certainly implies that he doesn't just plan on going along with something arranged. and i've made it clear i want a real relationship, not something casual/"for now." and he did not back off after that discussion in the least.

 

Don't underestimate the power that culture holds over the stigma associated with family ties and of the importance of arranged marriages. You never know what he is truly thinking. Tread carefully because although he may love you, and feels strongly about a future with you, it may not be enough for him to drop the bomb and humiliate/let his family down.

 

And his words still seemed a bit general, not all that specific towards your relationship. I'm not trying to be pessimistic here, just advising to be cautious.

[pippy longstocking]

by the way your english is fab .

 

ok so what he is saying makes sense doesn't it ?

 

when he drops this bombshell , and to his family it will be a bombshell , he needs to be sure and 100% ready for a life with you , and that is the same for all of us isn't it ..all of this takes time ,to bond , to love , to establish you want each other forever.

 

so it is up to you to take this chance , but again ...we all take a chance and carry on with a relationship .

 

I imagine the added secrecy is him not wanting any more people to know than is possible incase it gets back to his

parents , and to also not establish himself in your family until , again , he is sure about you both.

 

I see it all as normal ...as I said ..normal in the realms of what is going on regarding his commitment to his family and their

beliefs .

 

what is bothering you really ...are you worried that your just his fun then he will go along with the arranged marriage or are you asking really for confirmation that this is the norm in their culture , thus making it the norm for acting like this.

[pippy longstocking]

Don't underestimate the power that culture holds over the stigma associated with family ties and of the importance of arranged marriages. You never know what he is truly thinking. Tread carefully because although he may love you, and feels strongly about a future with you, it may not be enough for him to drop the bomb and humiliate/let his family down.

 

And his words still seemed a bit general, not all that specific towards your relationship. I'm not trying to be pessimistic here, just advising to be cautious.

 

 

yeah PH I agree ....this is what is niggling me as well .. will he really walk away from his "duty" and his "future and beliefs" as an Indian man

[pippy longstocking]

how old is he ?

 

I imagine it is already lined up , these thngs are well planned out as far as I know .

[DylanNotorious]

I feel very sorry for you, as he will do what his parents tell him - to marry someone they have picked. Indians don't generally defy their tradition, and it sounds like he will do as he's told.

 

I do think you need to start preparing yourself for a break-up.

[PH88]

yeah PH I agree ....this is what is niggling me as well .. will he really walk away from his "duty" and his "future and beliefs" as an Indian man

 

In all honesty, I really don't think he will. It's a rarity for something like that to happen once it has been arranged...

[Xylitol]

From what i have seen its nothing but trouble, Indians always have internal family fights when it comes to traditions and arranged marriages, it absolutely kills the relationships. If you go with him, his father and mother will get angry because he needs to marry a proper indian girl, blah blah blah blah , it comes down to the point that, until something seriously changes in India , going in these kind of relationships are nothing but misery, i myself personally would not involve myself therefore with these kind of people, i hope for you it might work out somehow, but thats only possible if he stands up against his family and those backward traditions.

[jaded123]

I’m white and I live in California. I’m dating a guy who’s originally from India (4 months). His parents live near us, but he hasn’t introduced me. I asked why. He said his parents think they get to arrange a marriage for him, & so he can’t tell them he has a girlfriend until right before he’s about to get married. Meaning, we have to keep our relationship secret in the meantime so they don’t find out. I've never heard of something like this, and if he wants to keep us secret from them now, why would I think he'd ever change that later? (Note: we've had multiple serious convos where we've established we are exclusive, that I wouldn't continue seeing him if he wasn't at least considering something long term because I don't want just casual dating at this point in my life... etc)

 

I have and consulted some close Indian friends. Here is your answer:

 

Firstly, India has 1.2 billion people, 4 times the population of the USA. Is a Mormon from Utah going to think the same way as someone from Alabama, the same way as a Northeastern preppie, the same way as someone from inner city Detroit ? And that is nothing in comparison to a country which is far more diverse (think more diverse than finland vs. greece in Europe), half the country is Indo-European ("Indo" means India) and the other half is Dravidian. Indo-Europeans almost never marry Dravidians (intermarriages between them are quite rare) and they are both 500 million people of each group in India. The Dravidian people (south Indian) are very conservative, speak, look and act differently, athough you probably couldn't tell the difference. Porn is common and invented in India (see: Kama sutra) but Kama Sutra was never a part of Dravidian culture. Even in the north, where the sanskrit/hindi/etc speaking people are (i.e., Indo-Europeans), there are bum**** backward places like Bihar state which are like the Alabama of India and then there are parts of even a single large city like Delhi where mini-skirts and underage drinking and permarital sex are common and accepted and other parts in the same city where they are not. There are ghettos and there are rich areas.

 

There are also a minority (10% but huge in absolute numbers) muslim culture and that does not even take into account Indian aboriginals (which are also a minority but huge in absolute numbers and constitute their own ethnic group).

 

So, there is no way to generalize. He could even be playing you, using your lack of knowledge of Indian culture to fool you into believing he is some conservative guy. Or maybe not. It is impossible to tell, just as you cannot generalize anything about someone from Europe, without knowing their country, and even then you can't say much.

 

 

yeah PH I agree ....this is what is niggling me as well .. will he really walk away from his "duty" and his "future and beliefs" as anndian man

 

See above. It is not monolithic.

 

 

From what i have seen its nothing but trouble, Indians always have internal family fights when it comes to traditions and arranged marriages, it absolutely kills the relationships. If you go with him, his father and mother will get angry because he needs to marry a proper indian girl, blah blah blah blah , it comes down to the point that, until something seriously changes in India , going in these kind of relationships are nothing but misery, i myself personally would not involve myself therefore with these kind of people, i hope for you it might work out somehow, but thats only possible if he stands up against his family and those backward traditions.

 

That's is purely retarded. I bet you don't even know the difference between Indo-European or Dravidian people, let alone the huge differences within each group.

[itsallgrand]

My advice would be to not make it about culture.

 

Rather, take it as ....here is a person you like. Here is what he is willing to do, what he is not willing to do, and what he finds important. Is that what you are looking for?

 

If it's not, carry on.

 

Don't make it about culture. Following a cultural norm (if that is what he is even doing) is a choice. Personal choice. As it is your choice to either stay and perhaps compromise what it is that you really want in a relationship, or leave and find it elsewhere.

[learning112]

Well if it's only been 4 months and it really will cause him a lot of trouble to tell his family about me, then is it really reasonable to expect him to be willing to do so? After 4 months people don't necessarily show their true colors. I'd never commit to marrying someone after only 4 months, so isn't it contradictory for me to expect him to make this big declaration to his family this early on, too? I don't think this equates with him never being willing to do it down the road.

[Sirenia]

I'm not saying this is going to happen to you but... I have a friend and she was dating an Indian guy (she is not Indian) and after a few weeks or months into the relationship he told her that his parents are going to choose a girl (back in India) for his arranged marriage. She thought that he wouldn't 'fall' for that and stay with her. He didn't. He did exactly as his parents wanted and married this total stranger and she was devastated. The thing is, if I was her I would've gotten out much earlier but she didn't have the guts to and was understandably so very hurt...

[learning112]

I'm not saying this is going to happen to you but... I have a friend and she was dating an Indian guy (she is not Indian) and after a few weeks or months into the relationship he told her that his parents are going to choose a girl (back in India) for his arranged marriage. She thought that he wouldn't 'fall' for that and stay with her. He didn't. He did exactly as his parents wanted and married this total stranger and she was devastated.

 

That's an important point, but my boyfriend never said or implied that he ultimately might want to comply with an arranged marriage. His plans are not to tell his parents about finding his own partner until he's about to get married to someone else, not "unless" or "if." That's how he explained it.

 

Yes I should have my own needs met, and I don't like being secretive. But if I really care for this guy, then why don't I care about causing him family drama and trouble, too? It's been 4 months, he can't be expected to want to marry me at this point, and telling his family he has a random girlfriend when we aren't even "serious" yet seems like it'd just cause more harm than good.

[Xylitol]

That's is purely retarded. I bet you don't even know the difference between Indo-European or Dravidian people, let alone the huge differences within each group.

 

Its not retarded, i think its insulting that you think my information comes from nowhere , this shows that with your leftist over tolerant attitude you are simply blind to the problems these people bring along with them, you think 1000 year old traditions equal to modern thinking? To females being equal to males? Sorry, please remember not everyone is as tolerant, open minded and modern as you are. At least you should acknowledge that religions can bring along backward and intolerant thinking along with them, now apologize for your rudeness.

[zep]

Every time I hear one of these stories the guy ends up following his parents wishes. I have a lot of brown friends, and trust me, it can get intense. One of the girls had her parents give her a police escort to the airport so her boyfriend at the time (WHO WAS BROWN ALSO) couldn't stop her from going to England for her arranged marriage.

 

I would get out of this situation now IF you are trying to get married soon. How old are you? If you are under 28 I would just keep dating him. Most relationships don't lead to marriage anyway. That doesn't mean the relationship can't be fulfilling and fun. But from the way you are describing it, I don't see marriage in the cards for you two.

[SilverFactory]

It totally pains me to read this thread. So many suffer due to the actions of some.

 

I am right now facing the consequences from a white American woman because of what happened to her by some stupid Indian guy. You can read the story here if you want:

 

 

[zep]

That's an important point, but my boyfriend never said or implied that he ultimately might want to comply with an arranged marriage. His plans are not to tell his parents about finding his own partner until he's about to get married to someone else, not "unless" or "if." That's how he explained it.

 

Yes I should have my own needs met, and I don't like being secretive. But if I really care for this guy, then why don't I care about causing him family drama and trouble, too? It's been 4 months, he can't be expected to want to marry me at this point, and telling his family he has a random girlfriend when we aren't even "serious" yet seems like it'd just cause more harm than good.

 

No, but I think you would know now if he had a liberal accepting family like Redwoods. Is this what you would really want for a marriage anyway? The family finding out right before you elope and hating you? Causing him estrangement from his family? Ugh. No thanks! How great is this guy that you would accept this kind of an arrangement?

[itsallgrand]

That's an important point, but my boyfriend never said or implied that he ultimately might want to comply with an arranged marriage. His plans are not to tell his parents about finding his own partner until he's about to get married to someone else, not "unless" or "if." That's how he explained it.

 

Yes I should have my own needs met, and I don't like being secretive. But if I really care for this guy, then why don't I care about causing him family drama and trouble, too? It's been 4 months, he can't be expected to want to marry me at this point, and telling his family he has a random girlfriend when we aren't even "serious" yet seems like it'd just cause more harm than good.

 

But why would he even allow his parents to go ahead and match him with a girl without saying anything - think about it. So he is going to wait to tell them he isn't going to marry this girl after they already have her matched up, ready, and engaged?

 

That doesn't make sense to me. Nor does it make sense to me that he would expect you would hang around until then to meet his family (if that is even what he intends on doing later).

 

My suggestion of keeping the culture out of it was to look at it as an individual who you want a relationship with and what he really has to offer you versus getting caught up in rationalizations re he may have for asking you to accept things you might otherwise wouldn't.

 

For example, would you stick around with this reasoning if he were a white guy or someone of your culture (don't know your culture)? "yeah honey, we are serious, but I won't be introducing you to my family until I am engaged to someone else". Make any sense??

 

good luck anyhow. Seems pretty clear you are going to stick around.

[learning112]

I could confront him & ask when he thinks the whole secrecy thing would ever change. I mean, why would you wait until shortly before getting married to tell your parents about your partner?? Does this actually make sense to anyone?

[jaciej]

The facts are staring you in the face, if he is feeding you BS anyway and it is not going to change if you confront him, he will continue to string you along. Do you think his family are going to accept you after he has been deceiving them for so long. I don't know how old you are (you sound very young) but what he is proposing makes no sense, he is going to turn down an arranged marriage at the last minute to marry you. Do you know how much preparations/money/trust go into an arranged marriage? Do you seriously think he is going to embarrass his family to run of with you at the last minute and also for a minute imagine if this should be the case, what kind of life will you both have without his family support. Indian families are a very tight unit.

 

He is living in a fantasy world. I would not venture into this territory, it is too messy.

[SilverFactory]

I am an Indian guy and I also live in California. It is never ok to generalize an entire race or country and conclude that everybody must behave the exact same way. People are individuals and while they might be influenced by their culture you still never know how they will behave. I myself have become a victim of this generalization - a white American lady that showed so much interest in me decided to drop me like a hot potato simply because I happen to be an Indian guy. Fact is my family is very liberal and they would be accepting of a woman from another culture. So, yeah it pains a lot to suffer for no mistake of mine

 

Having said that here is my opinion about YOUR specific situation. Heart breaking as it is my advice would be to drop this guy and walk away. Is it because he happens to be an Indian guy? No. Just look at his behavior and the things he has said. He hasn't introduced you to his parents. He says that he will inform his parents about you right before his arranged marriage. That is such a load of BS. Whether it is an Indian Arranged Marriage or an American Love Marriage, it takes a lot of time, energy, money, and resources to organize a wedding.... and this guy is going to inform his parents after all such arrangements are done? and run away with you?? He is feeding you BS. Please don't take it. As the previous poster has mentioned a LOT of things go into Indian Marriages. Both the families get involved and if something goes awry they feel very shameful and humiliated. No way are they going to sit there and think "hmmm my son is in love with an American woman. let's just cancel all the wedding plans". Trust me its never going to happen! Sorry.

 

Please end this and walk away with dignity.

[learning112]

Maybe he just means that he's not going to bother rocking the boat with his family until he's sure this is the person he wants to end up with. To me that does make some sense. Why upset your parents and create drama for a relationship that you end up not wanting to continue yourself anyhow? And after only 4 months he can't really know for sure.

[SilverFactory]

Maybe he just means that he's not going to bother rocking the boat with his family until he's sure this is the person he wants to end up with. To me that does make some sense. Why upset your parents and create drama for a relationship that you end up not wanting to continue yourself anyhow? And after only 4 months he can't really know for sure.

 

Ok. In this case you have made a choice. God forbid no, but in case you both fall in love with each other but he drops you and goes for an arranged marriage know that you were sufficiently warned.