How to tell my mother-in-law she's not getting grandchildren?

[Seraphim]

I would be upset if my son had no kids Miss F. I don't think I am wrong for it either. I would not badger him but I would be hurt. I would not hate him though. I want to see my family continue and he is an only as well .

[camus154]

I think this is really your husband's responsibility to talk to his mother about this.

 

But if he's not going to step up to bat, you might as well. You're part of the family now and if this any bearing on whether or not she really moves closer, then someone needs to say something.

 

I like the idea of doing it over the phone.

[abitbroken]

I agree that Christmas isn't the time to tell her. But on the other hand, if stepdad is a reasonable man, you might have him as an ally and a buffer if you do break it to her then in his presence.

 

I do think that you should start by asking why she is looking for a place in your state. "Mom, i thought your dream was to get a place in Florida." If she wants to be with her only child, that is one thing, but if she wants to be near you because of potential grandchildren, then you break it to her straight. Say "We are concerned that you are wanting to move to our state thinking we will have granchildren for you. We aren't planning to do that."

 

I actually might be infertile, My GYN thinks I have endometriosis

 

Well, I have a friend who just had a baby and has ednometriosis. Its harder to get pregnant, but not impossible.

[Kaytie]

If people would stop making assumptions that everyone wants children, then maybe anger/upset wouldn't happen in the first place. When you have a child, you have NO idea what they will turn out like, what they will want, if they marry or not, have kids or not, etc. Having a kid and ASSUMING they will reproduce is what makes it so hard for those who choose to be child-free: they have to overcome society's expectations that simply because you have a womb you must use it....and then you have to overcome some family members' assumptions/expectations that they will have grand kids to play with.

 

Disappointment I can understand, but the bottom line is that this is YOUR marriage and nobody has a right to dictate what you will and will not do, nor meddle in private decisions. We have enough unwanted children in this world and having kids so grandma and grandpa will be happy is not the reason to have kids.

 

I think your husband should be the one to tell her - it's his mother. Or, do it together. I would also wait until after the holidays unless she raises it. Then by all means be honest.

[Miss Firecracker]

Next time you see a baby on TV, just say, "You know, I've decided I will never have one." End of your problem. Mothers-in-law are only people, not some sort of god you must bow to. Stand up to them from day ONE and you will be much happier.

[CatAteMyFace]

Why did I bring it up? Oh maybe because you wrote that.

 

Again, you obviously didn't even read my post. Why bother commenting if you didn't read it? If you had even read the entire sentence instead of just the last half, maybe you would understand my question.

 

I'm also worried she's going to blame me for all this, and hate me forever, even though it is because of my husband that we've decided not to have children. Advice??

 

That specific question was concerning my mother-in-law placing the sole blame on me, and how I should deal with that. I was pointing out that she shouldn't place the sole blame on me as it was OUR decision, and beyond that, due to reasons concerning HER son. It had NOTHING to do with why we've decided not to have children. Did you even read the title of my post? it's "HOW TO TELL MY MOTHER-IN-LAW SHE'S NOT GETTING GRANDCHILDREN", not "My husband doesn't want kids and I do" In fact, NO where in this thread did I say I wanted children, or that my husband and I had different feelings on the matter. I'm totally confused as to why you commented if you weren't going to read my post or address my question.

[CatAteMyFace]

I don't really feel this is about standing up to her...(yet) as she doesn't know our feelings on the matter. It isn't as if we've told her we didn't want kids and she ignored us. I'm just trying to figure out how to break the news gently, because I do understand that it is a big disappointment for her. I don't, however, understand her being angry at me specifically or holding a grudge. I can see how someone might be very upset that their only child isn't going to have children, but I can't understand willfully choosing to damage your relationship with their spouse because of it. That seems like childish behavior and honestly I'm not sure how I should deal with it if she chooses to be angry. I really didn't want my relationship with her to suffer more. If she does choose to be angry, how am I supposed to deal with that? Do I just grin and bear it for the rest of her life, on behalf of my husband? I really don't want to be one of those couples that's at war with the in-laws.

 

Is there anything I could do to make her *not* angry at me? To the people who said they understand and would be angry too...what would it take to mend that fence, in your opinion? Just time, or am I doomed to be hated forever?

[CatAteMyFace]

 

What the old dried up biddy needs is a hobby. Tell her she has lived her life and to get some knitting needles and make socks.

 

 

LOL, she already does make socks! She actually just made us some Xmas stockings for our home (even though she KNOWS I don't celebrate Xmas (in that way) x.x)

[Fudgie]

CatAteMyFace,

 

Yeah I can understand the being upset, but I don't get the HATING part at all. You're right, it's childish, immature, and pathologic. She's having a virtual temper tantrum. That is ALL that it is.

 

If she gets angry and takes it out on you, just take the high road. You don't have to be "at war" with her at all. It's not like you live with her. Limit contact and if she gets catty, be firm and say "We have already discussed this issue at length. There is no need for you to passive-aggressively take out your emotions on me" and then hang up. If she calls again, repeat.

 

Honestly, someone who is willing to alienate their only child by HATING him/her or the spouse for not procreating is someone who is just trash and not worth a whole lot of your time. It really speaks of how much she cares about her son too.

 

You will get through this, I promise!

[superfan]

I agree that part of the problem when faced with issues like this is that society assumes that if you are female, you will want children and as men it is your job to produce the sperm that make the children. End of.

 

I read an article on line the other day that said all childless couples were selfish because they chose not to have kids so they could further their lifestyles and go out and enjoy themselves (or something ridiculous like that). It made me so angry as these are the same people who assume a marriage isn't valid unless children are the end result. I was on the fence about having kids as well. Some days I like the idea, other days I can't imagine it at all. I don't get along well with small children - I just can't relate to them, and I would hope if we do have kids that I will at least connect with our own (though I still think my husband would make a far better father than I would a mother).

 

Ever since the ring went on my finger, however, (metaphorically speaking, we don't actually wear our rings) everybody and their brother has been saying to us "so when are you having kids?" When I have told them we aren't sure, or that we are waiting, they have given me the "well you're not getting any younger" speech and that just makes me SO angry.

 

OP, I would advise you to talk to your husband and insist that he be the one to break the news to your mother in law. Frustrating as it may be, if she hears the news from you, teh automatic assumption might be that you are, influencing him or that you are the reason he doesn't want kids, not that it was a mutual decision you both made. If he tells her "I know you were hoping for grand children, but's just not something either of us want" she might take it better. She might still be resentful and unfortunately that might not be something you can avoid, but I definitely think it will help if he tells her.

[Miss Firecracker]

LOL, she already does make socks! She actually just made us some Xmas stockings for our home (even though she KNOWS I don't celebrate Xmas (in that way) x.x)

 

Oh, well she is doing the old lady bit. Now you have to do the wife/mom thing. It's a rule, you know? lol

 

Tell her to get busy and knit you a sweater!! And while she's at it, she should make your dinner. And make me some too!

[lavenderdove]

>>That specific question was concerning my mother-in-law placing the sole blame on me, and how I should deal with that.

 

The first thing you need to remember is that everyone is responsible for their own feelings. You can try to be sensitive towards hers, but in the end she is going to feel whatever she feels and only she can decide how to handle those feelings.

 

So your task becomes being sensitive, but recognizing that she WILL be upset if she has lots of fantasies built up around being a grandmother, happy images of baking cookies and shopping for kid toys and filling her old age with activities related to having a grandchild. She will grieve the loss of those just the way someone does when they break up a long term marriage or realize some other dream they had that they built their hopes around didn't come to pass. So a lot of being sensitive to her is recognizing she WILL be furious and upset and sad and go thru all those stages until she gets to acceptance. So you will just have to tough out those emotions from her.

 

Try not to engage or let her bait you if she gets upset. Just stick to saying that you are sorry if she is upset and you didn't mean to hurt her, but this is a decision the two of you have made, and you also have endometriosis so it was probably a moot point regardless. Whenever she brings up the topic of grandkids, you should suggest that she does some volunteer work that gives her chances to be around children again. There are many programs that would give her the opportunity to help and be with children.

 

It is also imperative that your husband be part of the discussion when you tell her. If you tell her alone, she will hate you because it will look as if you are the only one making that decision and she will blame you worse and could try to break up your marriage in hopes he will find someone else who will want children.

 

If your husband does refuse, then you can just not tell her and ignore any questions about children or tell her you have endometriosis and it is unlikely she will have a grandchild for medical reasons. And she may move to be near you, but she might have done that anyway regardless because many people as they age decide they want to be near their children whether there are grandchildren or not. I would definitely not even mention or suggest she not move, because that will add salt to the wound, as if you are not only depriving her of grandkids, but also attempting to cut her out of her son's life. She will never forget that if she does feel that way.

[BellaDonna]

I have not read all of the replies, but if it were me, I wouldn't even answer her. The more info you give her, the more she'll have to go on.

 

If she starts talking about kids, I would have your husband say that you've both decided together that you do not want children. Don't give specific reasons why or she'll just use them as points to argue or nag over. "That's our decision. Please respect it" is all I'd say if she started again.

[Miss Firecracker]

You would think anyone that has lived long enough to be a granny would have learned that you can't run the lives of other adults. I think if someone had pressured me about having babies, I may have refused to have one just for fun. Things like this just infuriate me.

[hers]

You would think anyone that has lived long enough to be a granny would have learned that you can't run the lives of other adults. I think if someone had pressured me about having babies, I may have refused to have one just for fun. Things like this just infuriate me.

 

I'm the same way...

[Kaytie]

You would think anyone that has lived long enough to be a granny would have learned that you can't run the lives of other adults. I think if someone had pressured me about having babies, I may have refused to have one just for fun. Things like this just infuriate me.

 

Ditto!!...........