How Do You Feel Today?

[zep]

Day 6... hung out with one of my friends who slept over last night this morning. I'm hungover and in the past this would always make me reach out for the Ex because, well, I didn't feel good and I wanted some comfort! But I am definitely not going to call him. This evening I will go to church, and then tomorrow to the office and then climbing.

 

Climbing is something I really liked in my limited exposure to it, and always wanted to get more into. My new friends here (new since Summer) are REALLY into it so I'm soo excited to start. It will be super fun AND I will meet a bunch of new people. I think growing and getting better at a new hobby will really help me build back my self esteem.

[Limiya]

UUUUGGGH!!! ok, so today is not a great one for me so far. I woke up to a music video posted on Facebook that he shot the weekend after we broke up. I know his new girlfriend will be in it. I was so tempted to watch the music video, and i almost clicked it. However i somehow managed to restrain myself. I think i just know how painful it will feel watching him singing their single with some other woman with him, and my feelings would be all over the place.

 

I'm proud of myself for not watching it. I'd been looking forward to seeing this video for months before we even broke up. As soon as we broke up and i found out about the other woman, he shoots the video.

My emotions are already a little wobbly now because i know it's finished and been posted. So it's gonna be playing on my mind all day. I hope i don't give in and watch it. It would be like opening up a wound all over again.

I'm trying to keep myself from self harm, but it's not easy.

Can't stand seeing him singing in the video and having a great time, while i'm the one suffering.

 

*sigh*

Trying to be strong here.

[zep]

Hey, what happened to unliking his bands facebook page? Is there anyway you can block the bands page so you can't see the video? (Not that you couldn't just unblock but...)

[C_Unknown2005]

Stopped to see my friends last night after 3 months of the break up... Learned something about myself when you leave town for a few months and you are preoccupied with work and getting used to a new town. Nothing stays the same I felt sad that it's not the same feeling when I was there. Ex didn't showed up and they have told me she hasn't been around for a couple of months. They brought it up and I asked nicely to not say anything about it. Went to my old work place and they are all new faces and it just made me realize that life is going by way too fast.

 

Had a surprised even when I got home one of the ex's best friends facebook me and we just talked a little bit about everything. It felt alright because it didn't trigger any bad memories (however I believe she was checking up on me for the ex). Just made me think of just forgiving myself and letting everything go about the past. Anyways from my past relationships I learned to never be negative or mean towards mutual friends and be the better person. It was nice talking to her wished her good luck on a job interview she had and I went on my way.

 

I guess I feel like I am more aware of the fact that you can't control certain aspects of your life. Changes happen weather you like it or not and all you can do is accept it and move on (like a break up)

[Limiya]

Hey, what happened to unliking his bands facebook page? Is there anyway you can block the bands page so you can't see the video? (Not that you couldn't just unblock but...)

 

I have unliked his bands facebook page, but one of his cousins and aunts posted a copy of the video on their profile, which automatically showed up on the feed. Then one of the band members posted it on their page, so it came up again.

I obviously had removed a lot of the band members but must have missed one (it's a 10 piece band).

So i've managed to not watch it, even though it's been on my mind ALL DAY!! It's driving me crazy. I don't know why i'm stressing over it. It doesn't mean anything. It just brings up all my emotions and pain again.

 

I'll be going out tonight to the cinema with friends, and horse riding tomorrow, so hopefully i won't be able to stress over it for too long.

I have been wondering all day if he thinks about me, if he misses me, if he will ever contact me again. I don't know why, because he cheated, left me for another woman, so the relationship is completely over. So i don't understand why i'm torturing myself today.

I hope it's just a bad day and i'll be back to feeling more calmer tomorrow.

 

Limiya

[chamachama]

I feel like a Chamachama

[Tom1990]

So, so angry and hurt right now. It's like all the crap feelings I've been saving up are coming out. I want to send her a huge letter detailing how bad she hurt me.

[Skytower]

I feel ****ty, been crying a lot in last hour. I've realized how many mistakes I've done in past relationship, and how I deserve to be where I am atm. Why always have to happen something really big in my life, to get me start thinking a bit different...it's always when I loose someone, that I start seeing how important that person was to me.

 

I don't blame her for dumping my sorry ass.

 

So many thoughts are crossing to my head right now...i should do this and that, and go to her and surprise her, and show her, she means a world to me...but I know this would only make things worse. So many, actually great ideas are popping in my head every second...that if I would go through with them when being in relationship, even with mistake I made, we would still be together. The last time we spoke, she said she doesn't even believe me, that I truly love her...said in her opinion I'm suffering just because the situation I'm in. How to prove her she wrong?How to prove her I really do love her?

[zep]

I feel like a failure. I'm 29 and I see all these other relationships of my friends that have turned into marriage and kids. My most recent ex was my 6th serious LTR boyfriend... what is wrong with me? Why have a chosen the wrong person AGAIN! Why did he decide he'd rather be single again when it seems like everyone else who met at 26 decided to make it a life long thing?

 

I would really like to get married and have kids... When is this going to happen for me? Will it ever happen? It's hard for me to imagine loving anyone again.

[chamachama]

I feel good that I cut all the ones I've been dating loose as of last night and it feels like a weight has been lifted. There were two. And I feel like I did the honorable thing for an honorable reason and both conversations went well with little hurt feelings. It's simply not fair to look for a replacement for my ex. No one can replace her and that's what I want most and it's not fair to the girl who simply want to be chosen by me on their own individual merritt's, not because they have some of the qualities that my ex had..

 

I'm single, and I'm not looking, and I feel so much calmer...

[zep]

Ugh, I knew this would be a bad day. I think about the cheating and the bull**** and I get angry. Then I think its just not meant to be and better to figure it out now than later. Back and forth...... Bleh

[rxmartin]

I'm angry and feeling hurt today. Hate days like this.

[klin]

I am doing okay. Yesterday and today I woke up very depressed very early in the morning and couldn't fall back asleep because words, situations, song lyrics, etc kept playing over and over in my head. It kills me to dislike so much about my life right now. It kills me to constantly convince myself that I am good enough - I just wasn't good enough for him. I hate that. Rejection is so tough. Buuuut...I had a good shower and started listening to a band that I enjoyed through our relationship but never tied to him and that I haven't listened to in over a year...it's a nice feeling: familiar, but just part of me...not my past, not my ex, but just something I like.

Also, I am home from university for this long weekend and I smell bacon cooking downstairs. And PostSecret (good website if anyone is interested) was updated this morning, and things are okay. I still feel burdened with guilt and hate for myself and my ex, but sometimes the best thing to do is just take a deep breath and acknowledge the fact that I'm just gonna feel like garbage for a while and there isn't a whole lot that anyone can do for me.

[Chalk]

Feeling really bored, low & lonely this weekend. FML!! It will pass damn it - it better had

[C_Unknown2005]

Made it home 4 in the morning after a night of drinking and a 3 hour car ride (I sobered up). Spoke with my best friend and she told me the truth about everything and why the ex did what she did.. It hurts man when you know the truth. But I am glad i herd it.

 

 

I am hitting the reset button. I didn't sleep well I let the hope / emotions and all the feelings hit me. She is gone.

 

Time to have some productivity.

 

C

[Limiya]

I'm great today for a change.

I had a lie in so caught up on sleep. Then i got ready and went to my friends house, and we both went to the stables, and wen riding together. It is so theraputic being around horses again, and concentrating on their needs and riding etc.

I was out all afternoon in the countryside, fresh air and making myself tired. Brilliant.

 

I have been good and still not watched my exes music video, and i don't plan to. I won't be on FB much the next few days for that reason. His mother had messaged me on FB late last night asking why i was up so late, but i ignored it at went to bed. I don't feel like having conversations with his mom.

 

Limiya

[Tom1990]

Exhausted and confused. I'm tired of thinking about my ex, and I'm ready to be done, but I'm not there yet. The process is in motion, but it's too slow. Also I met someone new at a party last night, we hit it off, but she's engaged. Sigh. At least I feel a bit more attractive again.

[JohnGalt]

I feel great. I went out with this beautiful girl tonight and we hit it off so well. Single life is a lot of fun. I still miss my ex though.

[zep]

So, I've found myself going over what went wrong, what I could've done differently, etc this morning. This is a step back. Last time I did NC, it went exactly like this. Day 8 of that NC was also a Monday, and last time I started to get upset on Day 8 and was really upset by Day 9 (crying at work! luckily no one saw) and called the ex. I think its related to Sunday... damn Sunday with all that time to think!

 

However its different this time because I know it's really over. I know there is nothing I can do. So I will just push through these days, these days of regret. And then we'll see whats on the other side. I'm going on vacation on Wenseday, something I bought for myself to make myself feel better right after the breakup. Now I'm not sure it was the best idea because I'll have TONS of time to think and no friends to distract me. I suppose I will just have to be very friendly and make vacation buddies at the resort. At least I know I won't be calling him! There's no way to do that from where I'm going without a €20/minute phone bill

 

I just have to keep the frame of reference that we are broken up because he is 29 and not ready to settle down yet. That's what he said, eventually, and that is the easiest thing for me to accept. The other reasons he gave in the past... I wasn't nurturing enough... I didn't adjust to living in this country fast enough... have sort of proved to fall flat. After all I WAS very nurturing. And excuse me that it took me 2 years to get a great job, a great group of friends, and learn the language of a new country. All without my family and with a boyfriend who was really not that supportive. I only cried THREE TIMES in 2 years from homesickness and this was too much for him. All I wanted was for him to hug me and say it would be all right, but he could never do that. He couldn't stand it when I was upset, he didn't want to have to comfort me ever. It was the same thing when my dad's illness got so much worse... he didn't want to hear about it. He was the one that wasn't nurturing.

 

Ugh, he was the problem, not me. I try to put all the blame on myself but really, it wasn't all me. I did the best I could, and he was a bad boyfriend. Here we go again... sorry for clogging the board with all my thoughts! It just really helps me to process this. I love reading everyone elses experiences too. We are all going through such similar pain, and I know we'll all get through it.

[newlife24]

Yeah Zep I get what you're saying. I'm going over stuff over and over again in my head today. How it all went so wrong. When am I ever going to feel good again. When will I be ready to date. Why hasn't he tried to call (though I don't want him to. There's nothing nice to be said on my end) I know he was the problem. Not emotionally available enough for me. Didn't like to comfort me either. Wasn't good with compromise or sacrifice or selflessness or any component basically that goes into a healthy relationship. He's all about himself and his video games and his drinking and talking crude about other women in front of me. He's definitely not as mature as I thought he was. I will never again date someone younger than myself.

[zep]

I think on these days when its tough, are the days that we are moving forward. Every time an angry thought comes and we work through it, find peace by being rational and letting go, I think that is progress. I'd like to think these difficult days are more important than just the days where we're so busy we don't have time to think about it.

 

Every time I get regretful or think about something that was unfair, I am trying to process the anger, let it wash over me, and then release it. I think this is healing.

 

And I've really realized today how badly I want to move past this breakup. I'm not going to contact him, or open up ways for him to contact me. I'm going to move past this on my own and heal myself. I can't wait to feel 100% me again.

 

Also I think you are totally right about not dating younger men.

[klin]

I woke up quite depressed this morning. I didn't get enough sleep, but was too anxious and overwhelmed by my sadness to relax enough to fall back asleep. I currently feel like I'm going to throw up. I haven't felt this many bodily symptoms this strongly in a while. This week is 3 months. My whole self is still rebelling and in withdrawal. I can't stand being in my body and my mind.

[Tom1990]

I feel like my spirit is an artery and it's clogged with the cholesterol of emotions. Wow, I thought I'd start getting *better* after leaving my job and my ex behind....

[JohnGalt]

I feel good. I went on an amazing date last night with a great woman. I also am doing well at work - or so I think. So I feel good. I keep reaching out to my ex and she is noncommittal about our future. I suppose she is trying to move on and so shall I. Still, almost a month into the breakup and I miss her no less than the first day.

[chamachama]

Actually, not so good today. Just ran into that creepy douche's profile on that smart phone game and he shouts "I love you" to her. He even uses her real name! What a tool bag. How f'ing childish and she should know better than to allow that. Ugh when the hell am I going to get over her!? Dammit I am so freaking steamed for some reason right now. She knows that I play that game. Part of me almost wants to contact her to tell her that its pretty f'ed up professing love for each other on a game that she knows I play only a few months after breaking up with me.

 

That would only make me look weak though and I refuse to give that to her. Screw it, there will be NO contact. She just sucks for doing that.

 

She is a child. How the hell can I have been so stupid!?