I feel bad that my sister has (at least seems to) a favorite kid.

[scared and alone]

She has my nephew and niece. And I know she loves them both so much, but shes always going on (to ME) about my nephew and how special he is (which, i dont deny that) and how he is her favorite person in the world. I dont know, I just dont like hearing it. It makes me feel bad for my niece. I just hope that when my niece gets old enough (shes only 6) she doesnt catch onto it. Its not fair to her. I never hear her talk about how awesome and special her daughter is, only her son. I just hope maybe she will see her daughter that way too. How am I, as her sister and their aunt, supposed to take this? Do all parents secretly tell others who their favorite is and just let it not be known to their kids, or is this just her?

[chickydoodle]

I think it is unusual. My sisters are very careful not to appear to show any favouritism when discussing their kids.

But I have wondered if parents do have favourites.

I understand how you would feel bad for your niece.

 

I hate saying this but I have observed that people tend to get more excited over the birth of baby boys than girls.....probably just my experience?

[scared and alone]

well when my nephew was first born (my sister claims she didnt even know she was pregnant until she was in labor) and after he was born, I took care of him a lot, i think my sister was in shock about having a baby so i wanted to be with him all the time. So, i also have an attachment to him. I also have an attachment to my niece, cuz i, like her am the second (my sister is older than me) so i kind of feel for her (especially since i always felt like my sis was the favorite). I am just shocked when i hear her talk to me all the time about my nephew.

[pinkelephant]

why don't you tell her so she knows and dials it back?

 

i think most parents have a favourite but they try to be fair. luckily, i'm the only chid on my moms side. hahaha

[charity]

i think a lot of parents have a special attachment to their first born.... especially if it is an opposite sex child. there is a specialness there due to this NEW thing you are going, the new feelings you have, the new life that this gives you. when subsequent children come along, especially if there is NOT a big gap, its not AS special. now don't get me wrong..... its still very special....but not as special.

 

your sister should not be making this so obvious- it will effect her daughters self esteem. while your sister may not be able to stop herself feeling this way, she can at least STOP showing it so much.

 

i would sensitively and non judgementally mention to her that you have noticed this and that even though you know she loves her daughter, that she should be careful not to show such obvious favouritism to the son.

[Seraphim]

I think as long as she is not doing it in front of the kids themselves, it is ok for her to discuss what she wants with who she wants. Parents don't try to have a favourite child but as with all people there are ones you mesh more with. There is a different attachment you have with a child of the opposite sex. Mothers and sons are very close usually when the boy is young, girls as "daddy's girls" but they are tougher on sons so it equals out.

 

I only have a son so he is my favourite and he is one of the great loves of my life. My mother has a boy and a girl. I am the eldest, so I was expected to tow the line be the best, be under control, be the protector....... My brother is the baby. He holds a very special place with my mother as her BABY, her child who achieved the most in life, who is most like her and who she described at his wedding as " one of the great loves of her life and how the sun had always shone on him, her baby."

 

I know my mom loves us both to death for the very different people we are and even for how alike we are but she has a special bond to her son. Maybe I notice this more because I did not have a dad to make me feel special.

 

If your niece is special to her dad she probably won't notice the special bond between moms and sons. I am sure she adores both her kids you just do it differently. Maybe she gushes about her daughter to other people. Remember you are always tougher on the same sex child you have.

[Natasha24]

I think a lot of parents have a favourite child. My mom favours my brother over any of my other 3 siblings, and we're all okay with it. We joke about it all the time.

 

She shouldn't be talking about him ALL the time though. Mention it to her, and tell her it makes you uncomfortable.

[amipushy]

Sometimes you cant help having a closer connection with one child because you have a similar (or opposite) personality as them, but it doesn't mean that you love them any differently. I also agree with Victoria, you are usally tougher on the sex sex child.

 

I honestly don't think its any of your business or that you should mention it to her. If don't know how she feels in her heart and I would be extremely pee'd off if someone accused me of this.

 

I'd also be interested to know who is the youngest as the youngest usually gets the 'babying'.

[Pinnacle]

I think a lot of parents have a favourite child. My mom favours my brother over any of my other 3 siblings, and we're all okay with it. We joke about it all the time.

 

She shouldn't be talking about him ALL the time though. Mention it to her, and tell her it makes you uncomfortable.

 

Agree with this completely. I'm third in the pecking order out of three brothers. For most families it's subtle and not so much in others.

 

Dad: Oldest, Middle, Me

Mom: Middle, Oldest,.........................................................................................................................Me

 

Long stories there.

 

Anywho, it isn't that unusual to me. As long as there is no child neglect then I think she is doing better than 30% of society.

[tinkerbellkj]

I have two kids (a boy and a girl) and I definitely love them equally and could never pick a favorite (though, I'd say whichever one isn't screaming at the time is probably is the running for that 10 minute span ;-) ). I will say I bonded with my oldest (my son) differently than my daughter. With my son I had no one to focus on BUT him and I bonded intensely and immediately with him. With my baby girl (who is so sweet and precious) while I bonded with her immediately, it took about 3 weeks for me to feel it as intensely as I did with my son at birth. I probably talk about my son more because he DOES more, where as my little one is still a tiny baby and is still in the eat, sleep, poop mode.

 

I do think it's normal for parents to have a favorite, they are still people after all. I don't have a favorite, but I do have a DIFFERENT, but equally lovely and important bond with both of my children. I also agree with Vic, when she said that parents tend to be harder on the child of the same sex.

[ParisPaulette]

I had an aunt who did a similar thing with her two boys, although with the younger boy she was actually hateful towards him at times while the eldest son could do no wrong even when he was doing something wrong. She had the younger boy at a time in her life when she didn't want to be pregnant and I think it colored her emotions towards him. One day after this had gone on for a few years my mother had had enough and she took my aunt into another room and laid into her about showing such favoritism to one child and not the other and that she and the rest of the family did not consider this to be acceptable behavior by a parent. My mother actually demanded my aunt give the boy to her if she wasn't going to show him the same love and fairness she showed his older brother. My aunt was shocked since she never realized consciously that she was doing it at all. After that my aunt sought some therapy and came to realize her resentments had nothing to do with her youngest son, but he'd sort of become the scapegoat for her problems. Happily she was able to resolve things and became more affectionate to her younger son and stopped playing favorites. And more importantly began to show her younger son love and affection instead of yelling at him all the time.

 

While I don't advocate anyone handle it quite the way my mother did (she's a bit of a firebrand) I do think you should speak up for your niece and tell your sister your concerns telling her you love both your niece and nephew equally and presume she does too, although she seems to pay a lot more attention to the nephew. She is very likely not even conscious she's doing it. This may cause initial friction, but if you handle it right I think your sister will appreciate the heads up. And certainly your niece will whether she's ever aware you spoke up on her behalf or not.

 

As a parent personally I have two boys and can't imagine any parent preferring one over the other. It'd be like asking me whether I prefer my left foot to my left hand--I can't really do without each one and don't want to. I am aware that's not always the case with parents for a number of reasons, but I find it a bit strange myself. Your kids are who they are, why not love them equally for that?

[scared and alone]

Well, my sister doesnt neglect my niece or anything (shes 6 1/2) and my nephew is 11. She is a good mom, im not saying shes not. She just always talks, at least to ME, about how special her son is and it makes me uncomfortable. I hope as my niece gets older, she doesn't catch on, or my sister make it obvious how she feels. Or she can grow a special relationship with her as well. I wouldn't think anything of it if she didn't always go on to me about my nephew. Because I have just always felt that my sister was the favorite and I would never want my niece to feel the way I felt or have to resent her mom or brother. Because feeling like your other sibling is the favorite is NOT a good feeling and DOES make you resentful. I HATED my sister growing up because I always felt second to her. I dont want my niece going through that either. But, at the same time if she does, she will have me to turn to And I will let her know that when she is older, she always has me, even though I dont live near her.

[Batya33]

Sometimes you cant help having a closer connection with one child because you have a similar (or opposite) personality as them, but it doesn't mean that you love them any differently. I also agree with Victoria, you are usally tougher on the sex sex child.

 

I honestly don't think its any of your business or that you should mention it to her. If don't know how she feels in her heart and I would be extremely pee'd off if someone accused me of this.

 

I'd also be interested to know who is the youngest as the youngest usually gets the 'babying'.

Agree with this and that you shouldn't say anything. Maybe plan a special day for just you and your niece (but don't even hint at any issue you perceive).

[scared and alone]

How is it not my business if SHE is ALWAYS talking to ME about it? I dont even ask her, SHE sometimes calls me, just to talk to me about him.

[Seraphim]

But you do not know who she gushes to others about her daughter. Right? I mean you do not see her all day every day. So you can't know.

[scared and alone]

She doesnt talk to anybody but me and her boyfriend (kids dad).

[Seraphim]

She only talks to two people on the entire planet?

[Batya33]

How is it not my business if SHE is ALWAYS talking to ME about it? I dont even ask her, SHE sometimes calls me, just to talk to me about him.

 

What isn't your business is your speculation about whether she has a favorite kid and whether something should be done about it if she does - if you want to ask her further about her son based on the anecdotes she gushes, then of course that's fair game.

[Moontiger]

When she is talking about her son just say, "What about (daughter's name)? You haven't said anything about her in a long time. How is she doing?" Just keep bringing the conversation back to her daughter.

[ParisPaulette]

Like Moontiger says you could also just try asking about your niece when your sister is talking and brings up the kids. When she brings up the son and what he's done tell her that's great and then say something like, "Hey, how is (niece doing?" Then switch the topic to something about the little girl or ask questions about her or anything really to get the attention focused on to the niece. It may take a bit of repeating, but chances are after a while she will automatically start to focus attention on giving you news about both the kids, which is what you want. I'm relieved to hear she doesn't act abusive and it may honestly be more that the son is at an age where he's doing things she finds more interesting generally and she needs nothing more than someone to express interest in the niece to help shift her attention.

[greywolf]

My co-worker has a son and a daughter, and she talks about her daughter way more often. It's not because she plays favorites; it's because her daughter seems to have a quirkier personality, she's funnier, she's more rebellious, she gets in trouble more, etc. So she talks about her daughter more. I'm sure her son is a very nice kid, but he seems to be well-mannered and more on the quiet side, so there's not much to say about him.