Is it logical to request a man to date one woman at a time?

[PrettyGood]

For 1 month I was dating a perfect man. He was in his 30s, me in late 20s. He met with me every day, some times twice, he was shy and behaved like a gentleman. We haven't had sex till our 10th date. Finally I decided that I was ready for it and we did that. Afterwards he didn't change at all and here after 1 month of romantic dating he decided to take 3 days holiday with me and spend all of his attention to me. He was paying for everything and asked me to feel free to ask whatever I want because he had a well paid job and I was unemployed.

 

So here we spent those 3 amazing days together - romance at the hotel, sightseeing in unknown new city, museums, amusement parks... He was holding my hand all the time and embraced me every time he looked at me. He took a lot of photos of me and spent all his attention to me. He told about me to his brother and his colleagues at work. But then... while he drove me home after all, I started asking him if he is dating someone else at the same time. I was just curious cause he was a dream man for me. Unfortunately he said "I am keeping a contact with couple of girls" and then he said that he's not a man who is dating one person at a time. I felt heartbroken. I knew him for 1 month only but I already felt so attached to him emotionally. He added "you just wanted honesty!" In the evening he tried to write me several more times but I started rejecting him by requesting him to make his mind about 1 person. I haven't got a reply since yesterday's night and now I feel really bad. I know it's better for me not to date a player, but I thought that he felt the same way about me if he spent daily of his time (even when he was busy in job). Was it logical to request him to date one woman at a time and ask him to choose?

[Batya33]

I wouldn't have sex with someone I wasn't exclusive with (as in serious boyfriend/girlfriend) if I were single (that is how I behaved when I was single). But, it sounds like you were ok with sex without a commitment because you didn't insist on one before having sex. I think it's fine for you to tell him you are not comfortable continuing to date him unless you are exclusive and committed if those are now your standards. He likely will not agree since he just told you that while he likes dating you and being with you he's not ready to close off all his other options. Is it possible that part of the reason he is your dream man is because he has agreed to subsidize your entertainment and even other expenses while you are unemployed? I don't think he's a player at all -he is being honest with you that he doesn't want a serious relationship with you at this time. Perhaps it confused him a bit when you chose to have sex with him before being committed to him - he might have assumed you were ok with keeping things more casual. It's great that he wants to spend all this time with you and it sounds like you are enjoying your time with him but if you are uncomfortable without a commitment then of course tell him.

[Stay_home]

You really want an exclusive relationship and I'm not sure if that's really on his radar at this point. One month is a quick turn around to ask that of him, but I can understand with the way in which things have been going after one month that you're senses were telling you this was the right direction. So to hear, "I am keeping a contact with couple of girls," it's almost like saying take a number and have a seat.

[annie24]

oh ouch. here you are thinking that things are going well, you've had 10 dates, you had a romantic weekend away, had sex, and yeah - take a number!! pfffft. ugh. i guess this is why it's better to have the discussion first before having sex, but here you are. i guess all i can tell you is decide what YOU want at this stage. you might not want to date a guy who still has other women in the rotation. or you might need to say that you would like to still see him, but don't feel comfortable having sex if he's still dating other women? i don't know. it's a tight spot for sure. hang in there.

[DylanNotorious]

Yes I think your request is fine. You only want to date him, and you want him to choose. That sounds good to me. If he does not choose you, then you can move on. Just because he wants to date multiple people does not mean you have to stick around. So yes your request is normal in my books.

[notalady]

Yes it is logical. You want an exclusive relationship and it is most certainly not too much to ask!

 

If you were just casually dating and haven't had sex yet, maybe it's ok to be in contact with a few women. But it sounds like you have progressed quite far past that! You've gone on a holiday together for god sakes!

 

I guess you just have to let him know that you were under the impression that you had a good thing going and that the relationship had already progressed past the "date a few people and see" stage, and you are not comfortable keep dating him if it's not exclusive. So he can make up his mind.

 

If he really likes you and feel the same way about you as you did him, he should have no problem giving up the other "contacts". If he's doing the same thing to other women as he is doing to you, then he might decide your request is a deal breaker. Just as well, since I assume you don't want a player!!

[DN]

There are no 'rules' about dating these days and the fact someone may be dating more than one person doesn't necessarily make them a player. It is best to ask before having sex if you prefer to date/have sex with someone exclusively but there is nothing wrong with that preference.

 

I would not suggest giving him an ultimatum and certainly don't get emotional or start blaming him. Simply say you prefer to be in an exclusive relationship if sex is involved and if he wants to see other people you are going to withdraw.

[PrettyGood]

i guess this is why it's better to have the discussion first before having sex, but here you are. you might not want to date a guy who still has other women in the rotation. or you might need to say that you would like to still see him, but don't feel comfortable having sex if he's still dating other women

 

I thought that yesterday I told him quite clear that I don't want to be his option, I want to be a priority. He defended himself that I am the priority since he spent 3 days with me and not someone else. But as some user said, I didn't want to be Ms. Monday or Ms. Thursday. So after all yesterday I wrote him a longer message that I don't want to date just for fun, I don't want to be one out of several and etc.

 

After 17 hours of silence, not so long ago I got his reply saying "I didn't want to put you off completely, but moving in is a little bit too quick for me

 

What does THAT mean? I replied him again saying that I am not going to move in with him (what is a little bit drastic for him), or have relationship immediately, I just want him to date one person at a time. And asked if that is possible. Silence again... I don't get this situation. I completely feel that I will not be the one cause he already haven't chosen me and those long time gaps to reply...? I'm lost here. Can someone translate me this behavior?

 

It is best to ask before having sex if you prefer to date/have sex with someone exclusively

 

I completely agree with it, so if I decide to keep contact while knowing he isn't ready to become exclusive yet, should I withhold sex (keeping in mind that we already did that not once)? Wouldn't it look suspicious or stupid, after everything is already done?

[DN]

I completely agree with it, so if I decide to keep contact while knowing he isn't ready to become exclusive yet, should I withhold sex (keeping in mind that we already did that not once)? Wouldn't it look suspicious or stupid, after everything is already done?

Ordinarily it is not a good idea to have sex and then refuse because it looks like playing games but in your case I would say to him that you made a mistake not to ask about exclusivity and therefore you won't be having sex with him again unless you are exclusive. Be prepared for him to walk away and don't get mad if he does - he hasn't done anything wrong as having sex does not imply anything about a relationship these days.

[amipushy]

I do think its fair to ask him to date only one person at a time but you have come accross like you're asking him to 'commit' after a month. From his slow response and his obviously uncomfortable 'moving in' remark, its clear that he feels cornered and is squirming at your suggestion. Unless he is absolutely besotted with you and is ready to give up what he perceives to be 'all his freedom' I doubt he will agree to forsake all others.

[WhenWillILove]

I would only have sex with a person if I was in an exclusive relationship with that person. I would communicate this directly with the man.

Just because he wined and dined you doesn't indicate you two were in an exclusive relationship. Some men enjoy spending money on their dates, yet rarely want anything exclusive out of it.

The fact that his responses are so delayed indicates that a. he doesn't want to be exclusive with you and/or b. he is afraid of commitment.

Lastly, it is hard to decipher what exactly he wanted considering he was giving you all these physical hints, etc. But nonetheless, for me, at least, a month would be way too early to have sex and declare an exclusive relationship.

[PrettyGood]

So he said he can date 1 person at a time, but now I will have to leave soon for business (3 months) and he asks what should he do in those months? It's like searching for excuses. So I just asked if my thought that we were going to be exclusive in any way someday was a mistake. No answer again. It really drives me crazy.

[annie24]

He can do whatever he wants but it seems clear like he is NOT into you enough, or it's too soon for him to commit to you. Break up. That's what I think. Ugh

[Stay_home]

I would stop talking to him. Let this one go.

[DN]

I think asking someone to basically commit to you after one month when you are leaving for three months is unrealistic. You are expecting quite a lot - while you are off having new experiences, meeting new people (even if it is for business) he is supposed to sit at home all that time other than going out by himself or with male friends. And there is no guarantee that you won't meet someone while you are away.

 

Had this relationship been of longer standing that may not be too much to ask - but after just one month it's a lot.

 

Why not get in contact when you return and see how things stand then?

[savignon]

I think it's great that you were able to ask for what you want and stick to it (although perhaps a little too late to have had the ending you had hoped for). I also think it's great that he told you straight up he's not a one-woman guy. Instead of playing you or being dishonest, he told you the truth. In your shoes, I'd move on from this guy because your truth and his truth don't match up...what you're both looking for is incompatible with the other. Nobody's done anything wrong....just not a good match.

[Fudgie]

Next time, it's a good idea to wait until the exclusivity talk BEFORE you sleep together. actually, that's key.

 

I don't think it's unreasonable to ask someone to be exclusive with you. If I want to be exclusive with someone, then I want him to be exclusive with me. If he doesn't want to, okay then bye.

 

I do think DN's words about the trip were rise. 3 month business trip after you've been dating for a while is not a big deal but it's a lot to ask of someone when you've been only dating a month, and then you're going away for 3. That's hard on the other person.

[PrettyGood]

3 month business trip after you've been dating for a while is not a big deal but it's a lot to ask of someone when you've been only dating a month, and then you're going away for 3. That's hard on the other person.

 

I understand this, but I am also a person having heart and feelings. I just didn't want it would end like that. I wanted to keep contact no matter what and return to him, to be only with him. It seems he didn't think the same and I feel really sad about it. He is a business man himself, leaving country twice a month for week or more. But once he left I was waiting for him and when he said he went to a club, I didn't ask if he flirted with girls there (even though I was tempting). I based my thinking on big trust. I just can't believe that some people just don't see things so optimistically and same way I do, especially when you really want to create serious relations. Isn't that what people are usually achieving? So he could get a loyal and trusting woman, but rejected me

[Fudgie]

^ I think it's important to have a talk with him. Maybe he is really committed to you and wouldn't mind waiting. Or maybe he thinks because it's so early and you're gone for so long, it's okay for you both to see what's out there when you're gone, and then touch base when you get back and see what happens.

 

It's fine if you want him to be exclusive to you when you're gone on a trip like that but you have to accept that he may not want to go along with that.

[Thorshammer]

You want a man who wants to date 1 woman, then go find him, because you wont be able to mold him after 1 month- if ever at all. You cant fight what this man wants, and unless you plan to go along with what he wants- then he wont fight you on what you want (which is apparent due to his behavior). There is a sea of these type of men and women everywhere- and usually women like you steer far and clear from them, regardless of how charming and how much they want to flaunt their resources at them.

[Ms Darcy]

This goes back to your earlier threads when we told you were rushing things with this guy. Do you see why all that time together was unwise?

[PrettyGood]

This goes back to your earlier threads when we told you were rushing things with this guy. Do you see why all that time together was unwise?

 

Yes, somehow people usually tend to learn from their mistakes after getting hurt, not by others. It's really sad.

[Ms Darcy]

Yes, somehow people usually tend to learn from their mistakes after getting hurt, not by others. It's really sad.

 

I am sorry for your situation but pain is a good teacher. I know from experience.