Please Help! Bf's vocab doesn't include "sorry"?

[RedDress]

Yes, he said he understands AND feels bad, but he wouldn't say sorry which just made me feel like he was sitting on his high horse, and wouldn't step off and admit he hurt me by saying the freaking word "sorry"!!

 

He's not on a high horse - it's already been pointed out sorry != empathy. He's not sorry. He does feel bad that your feelings are hurt. Sure, he could say sorry, but it just doesn't make any sense and it would, by it's nature, be completely insincere.

 

I agree. He is a different person who uses different words to express the same thing. I don't think he has to use YOUR words. I think that's an unreasonable request. As long as he has expressed empathy, it's the same thing.

[annie24]

Oh, since I've been asked, FUPA is Fat Upper (Vaginal) Area. But is it necessary to point out a tiny bit of fat on your very petite, slender gf's private area? The guy was not Mr. In Shape, by the way. It's all about keeping your partner insecure.

[charity]

Oh, since I've been asked, FUPA is Fat Upper (Vaginal) Area. But is it necessary to point out a tiny bit of fat on your very petite, slender gf's private area? The guy was not Mr. In Shape, by the way. It's all about keeping your partner insecure.

 

 

what!! oh my god, there is a term for that????

[alwaysmoving]

I think you over-reacted and made something out of nothing. All you had to say to his question was "it's a pimple" and move on.

 

Totally agree.

[pl3asehelp]

I think you over-reacted and made something out of nothing. All you had to say to his question was "it's a pimple" and move on.

 

It's also likely he meant nothing by this question other than what he actually asked. I think to read into it any further without asking him if he had any hidden meaning would be a big mistake. Many men, myself included, mean just what we say and nothing else.

[annie24]

But this has happened several times. Sure, one honest question, fine. But multiple times? He is sending her a passive aggressive message.

[pl3asehelp]

But this has happened several times. Sure, one honest question, fine. But multiple times? He is sending her a passive aggressive message.

 

It's possible, but given that they're over skype where you can't tell a zit from some ash from ash wednesday or a smudge of chocolate, I'm thinking it's a legit question. If he really had a problem with her skin, he'd probably just bail.

[DN]

Long distance relationships are hard enough to manage as it is and there has already been enough upsets with his family when you visited. To make something this unimportant into a major issue and demand apologies is not conducive to making the relationship work. You made it clear you didn't want him to bring it up again and that should have been enough. Instead you blew it up out of all proportion by demanding he apologise which is always a bootless exercise.

[Lamour detruit]

I see the blame more being with you than him. It's a minor thing, learn to let it go. Asking what is on your cheek isn't exactly worth going crazy about.

[OptomisticGirl]

Your over reacting - big time. You say he is on a high horse for not saying sorry but your in the same high horse for him to say sorry. At this point if he said sorry you know it wouldn't e genuine, it would be because you have hounded him about it. Is that a true apology? Course not, because he is doing it for you and not because he is actually sorry. Sooo either way you don't 'really' get the apology you want.

 

My husband and I point out each others pimples all the time - 'you have a spot' or 'I have a spot'.

[annie24]

Different people are sensitive about different things though. She already told him she doesn't like him pointing out her pimples. but he continues to do so to needle her. He's not sorry. He does it on purpose.

[OptomisticGirl]

Then she needs to break up with him, not force an apology out of him when he isn't.

[pl3asehelp]

Different people are sensitive about different things though. She already told him she doesn't like him pointing out her pimples. but he continues to do so to needle her. He's not sorry. He does it on purpose.

 

He was asking what some unidentified spot on her face was, not pointing out a pimple.

[annie24]

He was asking what some unidentified spot on her face was, not pointing out a pimple.

 

on multiple occasions????

[pl3asehelp]

on multiple occasions????

 

Yes, over skype where someones face looks like a blur anyway. I have a hard time identifying family members I've known my whole life when their face is a blurry blob like everything on skype.

[DN]

At the risk of being frivolous this is making a mountain out of a molehill.

[annie24]

Yes, over skype where someones face looks like a blur anyway. I have a hard time identifying family members I've known my whole life when their face is a blurry blob like everything on skype.

 

i would probably stop skyping with someone who continued to be confused by blurry blobs on the screen.

[Seraphim]

Saying sorry never killed anyone, but it will get you a lot of places.

[kaibutsu]

I dunno. He sounds pretty tactless to me. Why even bring it up to you in the first place, especially since you've already told him it bothers you. And then telling you that he really isn't sorry for hurting your feelings...

 

Here're my thoughts. You already said its a dealbreaker, and tact and being aware that he has hurt you and needs to apologize are things that are important to you and he doesn't think he needs to change. What's that tell you? Sounds like you guys aren't exactly compatible.

 

I always feel like at least half the time I respond I tell people to get out, and unfortunately I do think you should in this case too. But coming from someone who is not in that great of a relationship, know when to see the signs and get out before you get entwined too deeply and its much harder to get out.

[FairyGodmother]

At the risk of being frivolous this is making a mountain out of a molehill.

 

Does this view still stand in light of the following:

 

I was bullied from the ages of 8-17, based on my appearance. I was told I had "jew hair", a large nose, and that I was fat. My mother echoed these views, telling me that I should dye my hair blonde, get it permanently straightened, get plastic surgery for my nose and lose weight. Because I am older, I have now realized that all the people who put me down were - for lack a better term - stupid jerks. I don't listen to such idiotic accusations anymore, but it is safe to say that I still have BIG issues concerning my appearance and self-esteem. I realize that absolutely NONE of this is my boyfriend's fault, but he knows all of the aforementioned. And, in my opinion, because he signed up to be with - again for lack of a better term - "damaged goods" - don't you think that he could have at least apologized for upsetting me about a subject that is so sensitive?

 

I know that I may be in the wrong but I just do not understand why he would not have to apologize. He hurt me, doesn't that mean he should apologize?

[OptomisticGirl]

Why is the apology so confounded important? It's kind of screaming out that you are wanting him to apology for everyone who ever put you down. You yourself just said 'I know that I may be in the wrong' - then why on EARTH would he apologize if you were in the wrong???

[FairyGodmother]

Why is the apology so confounded important? It's kind of screaming out that you are wanting him to apology for everyone who ever put you down. You yourself just said 'I know that I may be in the wrong' - then why on EARTH would he apologize if you were in the wrong???

 

I don't know if I am in the wrong or not, but I recognize that I may be. The apology is important I guess because it's about my future... what if this situation happens again? I guess I just want the apology because he is so important to me, and I want to know that he cares about me, more than anyone else in my life has, and enough to feel regretful about hurting my feelings to want to say sorry.

[Seraphim]

Sorry is not a big deal if it makes someone feel good. People should learn to say sorry more often.

[OptomisticGirl]

I don't know if I am in the wrong or not, but I recognize that I may be. The apology is important I guess because it's about my future... what if this situation happens again? I guess I just want the apology because he is so important to me, and I want to know that he cares about me, more than anyone else in my life has, and enough to feel regretful about hurting my feelings to want to say sorry.

 

So the apology has nothing to do with the fact he hurt your feelings but more your using it as a gauge to see the future. THAT is probably why he won't say it and tbh, I wouldn't say sorry to my husband if I felt that was the case. Look, at this point if he does say he's sorry, you know it's not genuine. He's not said it before now and to say it now would OBVIOUSLY only be because you want him to. Would that REALLY be an apology or more him doing what you want him to do? An apology should be genuine feelings of hurting your feelings, not being made guilty or pushed into it - becaue that's obviously not a genuine apology, that's a 'I'm doing this to shut you up' apology.

 

So even if he were to say sorry, you're still in the same spot you were before he said it. He hasn't said it because he is sorry, he's saying it to please you. Which means he isn't sorry, he's just saying it. See were this can go?

[annie24]

I don't know if I am in the wrong or not, but I recognize that I may be. The apology is important I guess because it's about my future... what if this situation happens again? I guess I just want the apology because he is so important to me, and I want to know that he cares about me, more than anyone else in my life has, and enough to feel regretful about hurting my feelings to want to say sorry.

 

besides the pimples/sorry issue, how is the rest of your relationship? does he make you feel loved and cared for? are you guys long distance?