Please Help! Bf's vocab doesn't include "sorry"?

[DN]

He is not responsible for what happened to you in the past and should not be put in a position of having to atone for what other people did.

 

And no, he did not sign up for 'damaged goods'. Not only will it not help your relationship to think in such terms it won't serve you either. Your self-esteem should come from within, not from the opinions of other people. You are making this into such a big deal, not because you want an apology, but because you want a band-aid for your damaged self-esteem. A band-aid won't fix it.

 

Only you can fix your self esteem by accepting yourself as you are and not by the standards of other people, real or imagined. If you have a pimple on your face then deal with it from a position of confidence. It's a nuisance not a disaster.

 

By pushing this apology issue to the extent you have, you are now dependent for your self-esteem on winning this issue. But even if he were to apologise, the pimple will not have been removed by it - it will either still be there or it will disappear in the usual course of events.

 

Many people have some sort of trauma from childhood - but what makes us functioning adults is to put whatever happened into context and realise that people called you names because of their own inadequacies not because of yours. Once you realise that, a pimple will become, once again, just a pimple and you won't care if your boyfriend alludes to it.

[FairyGodmother]

DN, sometimes I don't like your advice on my posts, but maybe it is the harsh truth. Thank you, this has given me a new perspective.

[Ms Darcy]

Reading this thread ... as more questions come in about why the sorry is so important to you, you make it more and more clear that your internal self worth is damaged. When you are basically emotionally black mailing your bf to make yourself feel affirmed then you are trying to get a bf to heal inner wounds.

 

That healing is your job and not his.

[FairyGodmother]

besides the pimples/sorry issue, how is the rest of your relationship? does he make you feel loved and cared for? are you guys long distance?

 

We are long distance, although we are living together now in a country neither of us is from, for the next 3 months. I came home for easter, as did he, but we live in 2 different countries. The rest of our relationship is pretty good... idk we have some issues with fighting mostly because he's tactless and I have a short fuse but we're working on it. It's so hard though!

[Firiel]

I have to admit, if I had told my SO on several occasions that pointing out a specific flaw (and a physical one that I had no control over) made me feel insecure and he continued to do it and would not apologize for it, I'd be upset as well.

 

I occasionally get disgusting mountain zits on my face. Once or twice, my husband has mentioned them to me, and I responded saying, "Yes, I know they are there. Please don't point them out because it makes me even more embarrassed." He stopped doing it without needing a big fight about it.

[Wistful]

He didn't MEAN to point it out - he couldn't see.

And saying you don't want him to apologize for pointing it out, but for upsetting you, makes no sense. They're the same thing. Him pointing it out upset you.

 

But I do feel like a quick "Oh sorry babe, I couldn't see" is what most people would naturally say, by reflex if anything else. It's like accidentally pointing out your girlfriend's bloatedness (if that's even possible lol) when you know she doesn't like you to do it...."Sorry" is just something people say automatically, and I think he was being really weird and anal about it. But you shouldn't have pushed him so hard to say it. That could cause him to resent you.

[mhowe]

DN, sometimes I don't like your advice on my posts, but maybe it is the harsh truth. Thank you, this has given me a new perspective.

 

DN has spoken the honest truth here. You should print it off and re-read it.