FairyGodmother Posted April 3, 2012 Share Posted April 3, 2012 Today, I was skyping with my boyfriend and he asked me, "What's on your cheek?". I answered that it was a pimple - which was extremely embarrassing (hey I'm only 20 ok, my body still thinks it's a teenager). Now, he has done this several times before, and I have told him that I really don't like him commenting on my blemishes, as it makes me self-conscious. Obviously, I have not made this clear enough because he continues, so I layed it down in a calm way after answering him today that I didn't want this situation to happen again. However, I couldn't help but be upset, and I told him that I felt hurt and upset because he made me feel, well, self-conscious. Whether I should or should not feel that way is an entirely different conversation, but I did feel hurt. And so I expected him to apologize for upsetting me. He said no. ......................................................... *deep inhale* *deep exhale* At this point, I was ready to blow up but we took a 10 minute break, and then continued the conversation after I had chilled out. I asked why on earth he wouldn't say sorry for hurting his girlfriend's feelings and he said it was because he wasn't sorry. I asked why that was (with one eye twitching probably) and he answered that he felt bad for making me upset but that he hadn't done anything wrong. I agreed that I wasn't asking him to apologize for pointing out my pimple because he didn't know it would upset me so much, but that I was asking him to apologize for actually upsetting me. He then said that, I was asking him the equivalent of saying sorry to someone who crashed into your car. WHAT?! gfbueiwgbnuiognbfioafnewiogpnbuiwoewdwnidgonbtrouihgrnioapgtw In any case, this sort of, I don't even know what to call it, debate I guess, went on for a while with various interesting analogies (like the one where he said he treats me and everyone else in the world exactly the same, and he wouldn't say sorry to anyone else... even though I've been his friend for 4 years and his gf for nearly 1 year). In the end I told him this is a deal breaker, and that I need someone who respects me enough to apologize when they have hurt me. He resisted for quite a while, saying our definitions of sorry are different etc. but then he said that if he used my definition of sorry, he was, in fact, sorry. BUT HE STILL WOULDN'T SAY IT. WHAT. LIKE... WHAT?!?!?!?!? After a while, the "sorry" finally came out, but I have a feeling he probably resents me for making him say it now. But I would have resented him if he hadn't said it!!! And now he still keeps saying that the situation didn't warrant a sorry!! I told him if he doesn't like it he can leave, but he said he doesn't care that much and that he'll say sorry if I want him to. BUT THAT'S NOT WHAT I WANT!! I want him to mean it too!!! I don't know what to do, I know I can't force him to change his mind, but how do I get him to understand that I deserve a sorry because he hurt my feelings? Or do you think that I don't deserve a sorry? Please, help!! Link to comment
pl3asehelp Posted April 3, 2012 Share Posted April 3, 2012 Well he didn't intend to hurt you and he can't predict what your reactions are going to be. Just because you got upset doesn't mean he regrets telling you something that he told you with no intention to upset you. I think I'm with him on this one, but then again I feel sorry is a pretty empty thing to say in the first place. Link to comment
FairyGodmother Posted April 3, 2012 Author Share Posted April 3, 2012 That is exactly my point though - I don't want him to be sorry for mentioning my pimple, it was a mistake so it really doesn't matter. But I do want him to be sorry for upsetting me! Link to comment
lonelyheart2 Posted April 3, 2012 Share Posted April 3, 2012 I think he's being really immature about the whole thing, totally understand why you would be upset about it. Link to comment
annie24 Posted April 3, 2012 Share Posted April 3, 2012 Any man with an ounce of tact would have apologized for making his gf feel bad. Of course it's a pimple. He's noticed them before. Sounds like an immature ass. Link to comment
pl3asehelp Posted April 3, 2012 Share Posted April 3, 2012 That is exactly my point though - I don't want him to be sorry for mentioning my pimple, it was a mistake so it really doesn't matter. But I do want him to be sorry for upsetting me! That's his point though - he didn't mean to upset you so what does he have to apologize for? To carry this further, you could get upset at any time for any reason and he's still accountable? Link to comment
lonelyheart2 Posted April 3, 2012 Share Posted April 3, 2012 He should be saying sorry as he didn't mean to upset her. He may not be sorry that he mentioned the pimple (which isn't the big deal here) but he should be sorry he hurt her feelings. If he's not sorry about that then it's worrying... Link to comment
guynextdoor Posted April 3, 2012 Share Posted April 3, 2012 Fairy he just asked what was on your face I don't think that was in any intention of hurting you. Your self-consciousness isn't his problem know what I'm saying? If he said something hurtful like "dude thats a crater on your face!" I would feel disrespected and hurt from it. I'm sure if he saw something stuck on your teeth and pointed out to you would you still be hurt from that too? Link to comment
FairyGodmother Posted April 3, 2012 Author Share Posted April 3, 2012 That's his point though - he didn't mean to upset you so what does he have to apologize for? To carry this further, you could get upset at any time for any reason and he's still accountable? Isn't it the nice thing to do though? I'm pretty sure I've said plenty of things in the past that hurt my best friend's feelings - and obviously if I had known I never would have said them! But I still apologized because she was really sad, and it let her know that I regretted hurting her feelings. I just feel like, not apologizing is kind of like being oh well your feelings got hurt - sucks for you. But then he said he felt bad for hurting my feelings, so I don't understand why going a step further and saying I am sorry is not warranted in the situation? Link to comment
charity Posted April 3, 2012 Share Posted April 3, 2012 ha he is stubborn. and so are you! the compromise would have been for him to say ' i'm sorry that you are hurt'. he may realize further down the road that sometimes saying sorry to your loved one even when you don't feel you're in the wrong.....is just... necessary (and easier) in relationships. also he didn't say that he NEVER says sorry. he said he doesn't say it when he doesn't FEEL IT. ie he did nothing wrong. its very honest but perhaps clashes with your ideal. Link to comment
annie24 Posted April 3, 2012 Share Posted April 3, 2012 I'm thinking he is doing this on purpose to make her feel insecure. FG- you said this isn't the first time he has noticed your pimples? Sounds like he wants you to go to a dermatologist but he is such a little. It about it that he chooses to say rude things instead. Link to comment
sweetestdesire Posted April 3, 2012 Share Posted April 3, 2012 The truth hurts sometimes & some things no matter how nicely said can still hurt. I think your insecure about your acne which is normal at your age so why not try to do something about it & make BOTH of you happy? Link to comment
FairyGodmother Posted April 3, 2012 Author Share Posted April 3, 2012 I'm thinking he is doing this on purpose to make her feel insecure. FG- you said this isn't the first time he has noticed your pimples? Sounds like he wants you to go to a dermatologist but he is such a little. It about it that he chooses to say rude things instead. I asked him why he asks about them, and he said he was actually wondering because he couldn't see very well on Skype... I was like, seriously, how many other things could it have been. He said that it might have been an oil burn from cooking or I could have fallen out of bed and hit my face (lolwut)? I don't know why he keeps mentioning them, I think he's just really tactless... Link to comment
FairyGodmother Posted April 3, 2012 Author Share Posted April 3, 2012 In reply to everyone who says I am insecure and have low self-esteem due to my acne: both of these things are true but I don't have acne. I get one pimple at a time, every so often........ I think it's normal at my age but trust me I use medicated face wash and my mother forces me to get facials (she has an obsession with beauty) etc ***BUT**** That's not the point here. This thread is about the apology. Not me, or my unfortunate skin, or my potential over-reaction to what he said. It's about the fact that I felt upset and wanted an apology for him making me upset NOT for mentioning the pimple. Link to comment
sweetestdesire Posted April 3, 2012 Share Posted April 3, 2012 In reply to everyone who says I am insecure and have low self-esteem due to my acne: both of these things are true but I don't have acne. I get one pimple at a time, every so often........ I think it's normal at my age but trust me I use medicated face wash and my mother forces me to get facials etc (she has an obsession with beauty) etc ***BUT**** That's not the point here. This thread is about the apology. Not me, or my unfortunate skin, or my potential over-reaction to what he said. It's about the fact that I felt upset and wanted an apology for him making me upset NOT for mentioning the pimple. Why is the apology so important to you? What are you trying to prove Link to comment
RedDress Posted April 3, 2012 Share Posted April 3, 2012 I think you are arguing about the difference between an apology and empathy. He should not have to apologize for mentionning the pimple. He had no idea that it would hurt you. He didn't do anything wrong. He should not have to apologize for hurting your feelings, either. It was a side effect and had no idea those feelings would happen. He didn't do anything wrong. He should EMPATHIZE with your hurt feelings. Apology: 1. An acknowledgment expressing regret or asking pardon for a fault or offense Empathy: 1. Identification with and understanding of another's situation, feelings, and motives The problem is that the word "sorry" can have multiple meanings. It can be an apology but for many people (myself included) it also represents empathy. I think you are fighting over semantics (the meaning of words). Does he, in fact, understand and feel bad for your feelings? Link to comment
FairyGodmother Posted April 3, 2012 Author Share Posted April 3, 2012 Fairy he just asked what was on your face I don't think that was in any intention of hurting you. Your self-consciousness isn't his problem know what I'm saying? If he said something hurtful like "dude thats a crater on your face!" I would feel disrespected and hurt from it. I'm sure if he saw something stuck on your teeth and pointed out to you would you still be hurt from that too? I get what you're saying, but wouldn't you still say something like I'm sorry if it hurt your feelings, but that wasn't my intention, or something? Link to comment
FairyGodmother Posted April 3, 2012 Author Share Posted April 3, 2012 Why is the apology so important to you? What are you trying to prove I want to know that he really cares that he hurt my feelings and that he wants to make it right. I don't want my bf to be okay with hurting me. Link to comment
LDRohnos Posted April 3, 2012 Share Posted April 3, 2012 Sigh. Some guys just don't know how to treat a woman. Your boyfriend is showing he's one of those guys. You're not going to force an (insincere) apology from him, at this point either let the situation go or make it *very clear* that is not how you expect to be treated by him. Link to comment
FairyGodmother Posted April 3, 2012 Author Share Posted April 3, 2012 I think you are arguing about the difference between an apology and empathy. He should not have to apologize for mentionning the pimple. He had no idea that it would hurt you. He didn't do anything wrong. He should not have to apologize for hurting your feelings, either. It was a side effect and had no idea those feelings would happen. He didn't do anything wrong. He should EMPATHIZE with your hurt feelings. Apology: 1. An acknowledgment expressing regret or asking pardon for a fault or offense Empathy: 1. Identification with and understanding of another's situation, feelings, and motives The problem is that the word "sorry" can have multiple meanings. It can be an apology but for many people (myself included) it also represents empathy. I think you are fighting over semantics (the meaning of words). Does he, in fact, understand and feel bad for your feelings? Yes, he said he understands AND feels bad, but he wouldn't say sorry which just made me feel like he was sitting on his high horse, and wouldn't step off and admit he hurt me by saying the freaking word "sorry"!! Link to comment
guynextdoor Posted April 3, 2012 Share Posted April 3, 2012 Look FGM you gotta pick your fights here.. I mean this guy is going to be walking on eggshells around you if you are this emotional over a comment that seems quite harmless. Skype is hard to see, its not like 1080P live stream so it could look like cooking oil burn or you accidentaly put on mascara wrong. You took what he said wrong and expect him to apologize for it. Link to comment
annie24 Posted April 3, 2012 Share Posted April 3, 2012 I asked him why he asks about them, and he said he was actually wondering because he couldn't see very well on Skype... I was like, seriously, how many other things could it have been. He said that it might have been an oil burn from cooking or I could have fallen out of bed and hit my face (lolwut)? I don't know why he keeps mentioning them, I think he's just really tactless... He might just be enough of an ass to decide to point them out to you, every single time, to make you feel insecure. Even if it's just once in a while. My friend's bf on e told her she was getting a FUPA. She was a size 0, by the way. Some guys like to keep you insecure and not apologize so you don't try to leave them. Link to comment
pl3asehelp Posted April 3, 2012 Share Posted April 3, 2012 Yes, he said he understands AND feels bad, but he wouldn't say sorry which just made me feel like he was sitting on his high horse, and wouldn't step off and admit he hurt me by saying the freaking word "sorry"!! He's not on a high horse - it's already been pointed out sorry != empathy. He's not sorry. He does feel bad that your feelings are hurt. Sure, he could say sorry, but it just doesn't make any sense and it would, by it's nature, be completely insincere. Link to comment
annie24 Posted April 3, 2012 Share Posted April 3, 2012 Maybe you can ask him why his penis is so small, then refuse to say sorry! Link to comment
DN Posted April 3, 2012 Share Posted April 3, 2012 I think you over-reacted and made something out of nothing. All you had to say to his question was "it's a pimple" and move on. Link to comment
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