How is a Dad with a kid viewed in terms of dating?

[radiohead20]

Hey guys,

 

I have a son on they way (excited yes), however it was completely unplanned and occurred at probably the worst possible timing and circumstances. I had break up with sex with an ex-gf one time with her on protection and she ended up pregnant (and kept the child). It was about a 1 in 500 chance (doctors said so). Paternity tests proved it is mine. Breaking up with my ex was a long thought out decision and 8 months later, it is still solidified in my mind as the right thing to do.

 

Anyways,

 

How do single men that have kids fare in the dating scene? Do they have to shift their focus and primarily date mostly mothers with kids? I feel like people are going to automatically stereotype me when they find out I have a young kid as "He was in a long term relationship or marriage that resulted in a child and I will most likely have to deal with baby mama issues/baggage". When in fact, I dont have any emotional baggage from a divorce and the mother and I get along very well - I consider her one of my best friends and confidantes. So I am curious, if a guy has the rest of his life together (career, house etc) but has a child with some sort of custody agreement (so for example the guy DOES have plenty of free time since the mother will be having the child about half or more of the time), how does this play into a women giving him a chance at dating? Will he have to lean towards dating women in similiar situations? Will women around his age that have no kids (Im only 26) be alot less willing?

[DrKitten]

Sorry but I don't want children at all, so I'd never date a single dad.

 

I'm sure there are many women who wouldn't hold it against you though.

[lukeb]

Most everyone on here is going to tell you that it won't make a difference, because it is the right thing to say. I find it interesting that you seem to lean towards wanting to date women who don't have children, while you do in fact do have one. It would seem it is likely to be less of an issue for the person you are dating that it would be for you. Generally speaking having a kid means having to settle down a little bit more, maybe you are not quite ready to do that yet?

[bialoman]

Where do you live? I have European parents, they are both from 2 different South/Central European countries and it seems much less a bigger deal in most of Europe than it does in North America. A few cousins and friends abroad I know have children from previous relationships and they don't seem to have a big deal with dating or even getting a girlfriend.

Younger or immature women might see it as an issue but I think many women could see past the issues especially if they are older 25 with a bit of life experience.

[guynextdoor]

As a single father of 2 I can say dating is challenging and yes the stereotype of baby mama issues does come up. I want to mention its sad but some women don't want to be 2nd best in a relationship because you have a kid. GL and congrats on being a father. Take good care of the kiddo.

[sara-pezzini]

i would not want to date a man with a child, because i never want to have children at all, but i am sure there are women who don't find it a problem or even like it....so all women are different, depends on who you meet....

[Fudgie]

I'm in my early 20s and wouldn't consider a guy with a kid. Immaturity has nothing to do with it. I don't want any of my own so i certainly don't want anyone else's. I also don't want to have to deal with the man getting a chummy with exes or any drama.

 

I used to date older men and would only be okay with kids if the kids were long out of the house with no plans to come back and live at home.

 

I think it's a tad hypocritical to want only no kids women when you have one yourself. You should look into women with kids. They will be more likely to date you and will know what you're going through.

[radiohead20]

As a single father of 2 I can say dating is challenging and yes the stereotype of baby mama issues does come up. I want to mention its sad but some women don't want to be 2nd best in a relationship because you have a kid. GL and congrats on being a father. Take good care of the kiddo.

 

 

 

What makes it challenging? Is it the fact that you dont have time or the baby mama drama? If you do have time and have the rest of your life together why should it make a difference?

 

I understand it is difficult for women (younger especially) to want to date a dad with a child because he may not have as much time for her and the baby mama issues. But if that is not too big of an intrustion than I dont see the big deal?

[Liraele]

I think that baby mama drama will play a bigger factor than actually having a kid (so try to keep your relationship with your ex as drama free as possible... for everyone's sake)... especially if you're a good dad. Being a good dad is sexy, and even though I HAVE kids, I thought that when I was younger, too.

[radiohead20]

I think that baby mama drama will play a bigger factor than actually having a kid (so try to keep your relationship with your ex as drama free as possible... for everyone's sake)... especially if you're a good dad. Being a good dad is sexy, and even though I HAVE kids, I thought that when I was younger, too.

 

Again, there wil most likely be very litlte baby mama drama. The women that is currently carrying my child is someone that I get along with VERY WELL, is very civilized, and is someone that I have endured some very tough times with and have gotten along very well.

 

I dont think that is going to be an issue.

[Liraele]

Good. Make sure the women you date know that too. That's what makes a lot of women leery... unless, of course, they love drama.

[Seraphim]

It would depend on the man himself. I view each person as an individual.

[radiohead20]

It would depend on the man himself. I view each person as an individual.

 

and I applaud you for that

 

Thats may main concern, that most women will not even get the chacne to know me or even worse dismiss good qualities I have.

 

I can see it:

 

"He's smart, funny, good looking, makes me feel good about myself, compatible, and has a great career, but I just cannot deal with a kid"

 

I've seen a few of my female friends say things like this, female friends in their late 20's and early 30's. What they are saying is that despite meeting a great guy that fits or exceeds their criteria, they want to start "fresh" with marriage and kids and know that because they are valuable, they CAN most likely find someone else that will come along with those great qualities that DOESNT have a kid.

[Wayfara]

I don't want children so I wouldn't date a parent. It wouldn't matter if I didn't have to meet the child in question, there was no drama with the baby mother and he had a lot of free time for me, I still wouldn't. A baby is a big responsibility so it's bound to affect his life in some way (he would be a bad parent if it didn't). However many other women wouldn't mind that and then there are single mother going through the same thing.

[luminousone]

When I was late 20's I dated someone with a daughter - but he only had her for summers, because she lived accross the country. For some reason it never occurred to me that it would be a problem - but I did already know that I wanted children someday. We ended up breaking up 5 years later - he did not want any more kids and I did want kids. And, I was concerned that he did not make more effort to be there for his daughter...

 

So - I think that women that know they want children may be happy to see you as a father, to see if you would be a good match down the road for them (and their future children).

 

Do remember that your child has to come first - safety-wise, family-wise, and emotionally - but when you share custody then you will get plenty of time minus your son to date and explore relationships. And if you are dating a lot of different people I would suggest you be reserved on who you introduce him to - it would be hard for him and perhaps confusing to have so many people in and out of his life. If you are long-term dating, then that should be fine. But otherwise keep that to a minimum...

 

Also remember that your son will learn from you how to treat your partner in a relationship - so now you have the onus to be responsible and respectful, knowing that he is observing you and learning from it. (I am not implying that you wouldn't - you sound like you are stepping up to the plate and that is awesome).

 

Enjoy your little boy! He will grow up before you know it! Be sure to start reading parenting books now - Dr. Spock is a classic, but there may be a more modern classic. "Taking Charge" by Dr. JoAnne Nordling is a great parenting book, as is the book "Parenting With Love and Logic"by Kline and Faye. Be sure to get your ex and you to the same parenting workshops so that you will be on the same page. It really helps to be a parenting team with similar structure and rules at each household.

 

Think about how much parenting time you will want and be sure to file with the courts a parenting plan you and your ex have agreed upon. If she is planning to nurse your son, then that may make it more complicated but be sure to support that since it is the healthiest and best for your son in the long term - better brain and speech development, less wear and tear on the kidneys, etc. You could put in the agreement more parenting time for you once he is weaned... But make sure you have it on the schedule to see him frequently and regularly for bonding purposes.

 

My ex and I have 2 sons, and we share equal custody every other week. Our boys seem to be fine with it - and my ex and I have tried to set aside our differences (when around the kids) to be able to parent together. It sounds like you are on good terms with your ex and that will serve your son very well. My ex and I live about 15 minutes apart and that helps for forgotten homework etc.

 

I know these are things that seem way down the road but it is important for you to get it all figured out ahead of time.

 

Oh - be sure to start reading to your son as much as possible - even before he starts to talk! I started reading books and poems to my sons when they were 4 months old, and they learned to talk earlier and now they are fabulous readers! Not to mention the cuddle time benefits for your son when you read each day...

 

Having your son will be a life-changing and rewarding experience and enjoy that little miracle that somehow made its way to you and your ex...

[thejigsup]

Personally, won't date men who don't have children. Fatherhood unlocks the maturity gene in people and fathers are less self-centered, more giving, more patient, and all-in-all, kinder than childless men. I have never had any luck dating childless men at all. I even strongly preferred to date fathers before I had a child myself. Most of my friends have always felt the same way. The best men to date have children.

[Ms Darcy]

I can see it:

 

"He's smart, funny, good looking, makes me feel good about myself, compatible, and has a great career, but I just cannot deal with a kid"

 

I've seen a few of my female friends say things like this, female friends in their late 20's and early 30's. What they are saying is that despite meeting a great guy that fits or exceeds their criteria, they want to start "fresh" with marriage and kids and know that because they are valuable, they CAN most likely find someone else that will come along with those great qualities that DOESNT have a kid.

 

If women turned you down for this reason, it is a very valid reason and shows that for where they are, this is what they want. If you met a women with all the qualities you want but lived in Uganda, would you date/marry her? Or if she lived with her parents in your hometown and insisted on living with them for the rest of their lives?

 

What you are speaking to is lifestyle and environment and that plays another key role in how we choose our partners.

 

Frankly, I would be more concerned with your attitude that it's not going to take up much of your time. It SHOULD. You are not a sperm donor, you are a dad. And I personally would worry that you didn't spend enough time with your kid and continued living life like a carefree single guy instead of like one with a huge responsibility.

 

I notice you aren't responding to the ideas that you would want to date a single mother. Is that even true?

[BritterSweet]

I love children and want kids of my own someday, and I do like seeing dads. But I would be hesitant to date a father because if I form a relationship with him, I will bond with the child too. What if the guy and I turn out to be incompatible in some way, but I'm too attached to the kid to break up?

 

Now that others have mentioned it, it does bother me too that you're.. complaining?...no, that may not be the right word...showing concern that women don't want to date a father, and you may have to "settle" for women who also have children. If you want a childless partner, then they have the right to want the same thing. Most childless men wouldn't want to date a woman with a child either. Children are a valid reason not to have a relationship, for both genders.

[Fudgie]

Agree agree agree!

 

And yeah, it's important to know yourself. I couldn't deal with a kid of someone that I was dating. Does that make me wrong? No! I know myself well enough to know that I am not a fan of kids, am not interested in getting to know a child and making it like me (because let's face, if an older child hates your partner, it makes it a LOT harder), and if the child is younger, I don't want to date a guy who wouldn't be able to go to different places/travel with me because of the sitter issue. Is it better that I give a guy a chance knowing that I don't like kids, and having to break up with him later cause of it? No.

 

The truth is, why should I put up with that? I made the choice to remain childless so why should I give people a chance who did not make the same important choice as I did?

[wannadoitright]

If you posted this question prior to November this year, I would have been ambivalent but closer to saying "yes, I would date a man with a kid or kids". As of today, my answer is NO. Make that HECK NO! lol.

 

It's hard to give all your love and attention to a woman when you have a kid who needs it even more. For me, I love to please my man and pay him all my attention and I like the same in return.

[Chelly25]

Honestly,

I am dating a man with two children and I have a child of my own. I was never against dating someone with kids because I knew I had my own child, but honestly after dating my boyfriend and still together might I add, I wouldn't do it again. Not so much because of him, but because of the drama with the ex and her taking the kids away from him because she doesn't like the fact he has moved on, he is a wonderful father and great man in general. But I love his kids as much as I love my own daughter, and treat his kids like gold, but I can't be involved with them like he is with my daughter and it honestly bums me out. I have invested a lot of time, money and energy into his kids and trying to build a relationship with them but I feel it has been a waste almost. I think it depends on the women you are interested in, and how they feel personally everyone will feel differently.