poor sex life and poor libido please help.

[SlipperySammy]

My girl friend and I are going through some tough times when it comes to our sex life. Our problems have been nagging us for months now, and we both just want to stop fighting about the issue, but we can't seem to resolve any thing.

 

Our issue is probably to complicated to fully describe and resolve on an internet forum, but I will try...and it will make me feel better getting some things down on paper. (I feel very frustrated since there is no one to talk to about such a personal issue.)

 

I will start with some back ground information that might help. We started dating almost two years ago, and are currently living together. We moved into the same apartment 3 months ago, but have lived in the same apartment complex for the duration of our relationship. Our intimacy problems started approx. 8-9 months ago, with a sudden drop off in our sex life. Initially I tried to be subtle and figure out what was the matter, but the topic became hard to discuss because she would get very emotional and be unable to really offer much of an explanation. For explanation sake...she and I have been both aware of our problem for the past 8 months, but have been unable to resolve anything. First and foremost I love her very much. Nearly every aspect of our relationship is perfect, and I would defiantly describe her as my best friend. We have talked about marriage and buying a house, and at first glance it sounds great but there is always this underlying issue of our nearly nonexistent sex life. It has gotten to the point that every two weeks or so we get into a big fight about it, and I am terribly frustrated.

 

I am to the point where I get so mad and frustrated that it is defiantly affecting other parts of our relationship. I can't help but get angry when I see other couples on TV. Or in real life who seem to enjoy a healthy sex life, or when I think about all time I have spent trying to decipher what the problem with us is, and 8 months later we are still in the same boat. I am to the point that a when I look at her I see a girl who has no sexual interest in me and I resent it....why wouldn't or shouldn't I? Another thing that gets me so mad is I think to my self. "She really can't think to herself that I would be happy with this. Can she?" She is a smart educated person she has to know that for a couple to have sex 1-2 times a month is not healthy. We did not have sex the month of August, and are in our third week of no sex for September, but we are supposed to go on like our relationship is perfect.

 

If I was with any one else I wouldn't be able to last...I would be gone, but I love her so much and we have so much fun together and so much in common. We would be such a perfect couple if we could get this straitened out. When I put so much time and effort into fixing the situation and we are in our biggest intimacy slump in 8 months I feel like we have made no progress...how can she expect me to invest in a life time of no sex...would any man be able to do it? My only conclusion after all this is she has an incredibly low libido...why? I don't know....but for what ever reason she seems to have no interest in any sort of sexual act, conversation, thoughts, or whatever...She wasn't like this when I met her.

 

 

I know my thread does not have much direction please keep in mind it is a product of months of frustration and confusion.

 

By now you are probably wondering what she has to say about all this. Her explanation of our problem is often even more confusing to me then any thing else. It seems when this comes up I will often get a different explanation every time. I have heard

1. "Sex takes so much time; we could be doing something else instead."

2. "I get very nervous that I won't do a good job."

3. "You are always so sleepy afterward."

4. "I feel like all you want from me is sex"

5. "We are so busy"

6. "I don't like it when you come on to me. It makes me feel like a prostitute." *I got so fed up with her turning me down that I gave up making advance towards her and after two years of dating I can count on one hand the times she has initiated any thing with me....which have only come after one of our arguments...imagine my self esteem after this, she will only have sex with me if I complain and start a fight.

 

 

 

OK…..I can't type much longer and I know this thread is kind of a rant…I'll wrap it up and be back later to answer any questions.

 

Overall I can't keep going on like this, we average sex maybe one time every two weeks, but like I said earlier are on a huge slump as of now. Three weeks and counting and not long ago we went a month. We have busy schedules but sleep in the same bed every night; I can't take it any more. It seems that the more we talk about it the worse it gets because she becomes self concouse of the problem and for some reason just stays away more. Leaving her isn't really any option but at the same time, how could we every get married? I can't invest in a life of no sex, and after 8 months we have only gotten worse.

The only thing I can conclude is she has dozens of sex hang ups, and a low libido. My self esteem is shot, I feel unattractive, bad in bed, oversexed, guilty for being mad at her about all this…

(I have come to the conclusion I shouldn't feel guilty, I have tried to discuss our problem I have been subtle, blunt, nice, and mean about it with absolutely no avail. Is it wrong of me to want to have sex with my girlfriend?)

[Coyote_the_trickster]

how often do you ask for sex man??

 

I mean it might be buggen her that your asking or begging. that could be one thing, another thing is, what if she has things on her mind? I mean yeah sex might be great i dunno, but you have to give her, her space for some time, yes your living together but you have to give her some space, at least for some time.

 

 

I mean if the sex thing is bothering you this much, it seems to me that you might ask a lot...and thats never a good thing....

[Day_Walker]

Well since you stated that leaving her isnt an option which I would normally suggest i will respect your statement. You have to try a different approach. You have to make her want to have sex with you and it will seem that my advice is counter productive but give it a chance. You need to bring back romance/emotions back into the relationship. She needs to believe that you just dont want her for sex. You have a nice evening with her with no expectation of sex. You get her started so that she wants to have sex but you dont have sex. Your goal is passion and not sex, you want her to feel invigorated, a feeling similar to when you first met. The reason you are doing this is because she isnt sensing the emotional connection that you once had with her and you need to bring it back. Personally i have issues with this advice because it seems to me that your relationship lacks communication. She isnt able to tell you about problems she is having personally or in the relationship and she expects you to have the same realization as her. Her selfishness and immaturity is keeping her for communicating with you. Lack of communication in a relationship the majority of the time leads to a decreased libido for the more emotional person. If you realize that you cannot marry this girl because of her low sex drive then why would you want to continue the relationship? It will only be harder to break up later or even worse you end up getting married and the low sex drive returns then your stuck.

[solstice48]

I thought I was reading my own words when I saw your post. Let me give you a heads up, if you don't find an answer to this now it'll only get worse. I was married for 25 years & my ex had the same attitude towards sex. It got to the point where I'd see how long each of us could go without even the mention of sex, she won hands down each time. Let me tell you she could have went on until hell froze over. All of the frustrations your feeling is exactly the way I felt & I couldn't understand why. To make things more interesting she had an affair with a former high school boyfriend, maybe that didn't confuse me. We (I) worked through that & we stayed together for 12 more yrs until she decided she wanted out of the marriage. I only found out some time after we were married that she had issues with sex & it got progressively worse as time went by. The point I'm trying to make is that you better get this all out in the open & find out the reason behind the problem. Going to a counselor might be the way to go, but if your girlfriend is anything like my ex (& she sounds pretty close) she will probably be reluctant to go if at all. Try to be as loving & as caring as you can in letting her know what this is doing to your relationship. I know it'll be difficult to not have her feel any pressure in what you'll be telling her but she has to know it has to be resolved in some way & it starts with good communication. If things go on you'll never get that intimacy that comes with being close to another person & maybe, no make that probably, one day you or as in my case my former partner will start wondering if something better can be found with someone else. Good luck & I hope this might help you deal with a tough road that you might be looking at.

[Noggy27]

Hi

 

Like solstice here I too was in the same boat with one of my exes. I went out with a girl that was perfect in everyway. She was smart, loyal, pretty and very fun to be with. I could not have asked for a better girlfriend apart from that one big gruelling problem she had. She just didnt find sex appealing. Now remember some people grow up in life with differant attitudes towards sex than others. If someone naturally isnt a very sexual person you cant change the way they are. I tried trust me.. I spent five years doing romantic nights, passion, trust and understanding and then I realised I was just fooling myself. I had tried so hard changing someone to be something they werent and I realised eventually that my attempts were futile. I eventually broke up with her and I still speak to her this day and I still hear the same horror stories from her current boyfriends.

 

So from someone who has been in this same boat for 5 years, had the same arguments as you have and been banging my head against a brick wall I can only offer you this advice. You got two options here. One is to learn to accept that this person is the person they are and they just arent into sex the same way you are. You can try to improve the sexual relationship by doing all the things that the people before me have suggested and it might work. Or you can ask yourself what is important to you in your life. A sexual relationship or to face and accept that your sex life will never be the way you want it to be for the rest of your life with her. I after five years eventually gave up and chose the sex life bit and although I still miss her, I think for the type of person I am it was a wise decision to make as I feel if I hadn't done it I would of eventually cheated on her and made my life and her life a misery due to this problem.

[SlipperySammy]

Thanks for the replies and advice, very helpfull!

 

All I know is I am very frustrated and sad. I feel like she won't even budge, or meet in the middle what so ever. I am not asking for any thing out of the ordinary, some sort of sexuality from her would be somthing at this point.

 

Alot of what noggy and solstice said really hit home I am afraid that I am lieing to my self that this can work, but I think we are two different people. I am asking her to be somthing she is not.

 

I have to stop feeling guilty though...No one can expect me to invest in a sexless realationship, that is unfiar. I have spent alot of time feeling guilty that I am the bad guy...(maybe I am maybe I am not.) But I am not going to feel guilty about not being satisfied with our current situation.

 

For those of you who mentioned romancing, and slowing down again, and trying other things. I feel like I have tried every thing. I have been romantic, patient, subtle, understanding, nice, and now I am fed up. Nothing will work.

 

g2g Ill be back later.

[ConfusedAboutHer]

Well,

 

I have to agree with both Solstice and Noggy. I have been in the same predicament for 5 years and am actually at this forum to find some answers of my own. I understand how it feels to always be fishing for something and never have a catch, or; if you do have a catch it is a small one such as a quickie with no passion, lust, or intimacy involved. My wife has tried every excuse in the book (I'm certain she has one or two) to avoid sex. My situation hasn't gotten any better either. In fact even worse. Because of the lack of sexual desire towards me, I have encountered a horrible lack of distrust and jealousy towards her. It sounds like you will be like this soon. Soon you will be accusing her of cheating on you and will be looking for signs instead of the signs looking for you.

 

I would definetly let her know the options you are faced with. Women have a lot of control in a relationship when it comes to sex. Do NOT let her know the kind of control she posesses because it will only make things worse for you. Start spending time away from her more frequently to show her that she is not the center of your universe. Women want what they can't have and if she knows she can have you, she will look for the "forbidden apple."

 

I suggest going out with your buddies more often, and still bring her flowers, take her on dates, just make sure she knows you have a life outside of her, AND by no means keep imposing sex onto her, make her want it from you. It sounds really difficuly but after a period of time she will come around. Make yourself busy but not busy enough that you stop doing things for her or with her.

[seza15]

sammy,

 

i'm a chick and i'm in this situation with my fiance. i don't think i'm a nymphomaniac either. however, we live with my parents as we can't afford to move out yet.

 

the bungle with our probs are (other than my man thinking our relationship doesn't have to a sexual basis on it) that my parents are in the process of separation which has put a huge strain on our relationship as we are busy trying to help my mum get herself together.

 

so our relationship is put as second pirority, which frustrates me to no end!!! i'm so worry that my relationship will be nothing but a shell by the time my mum decides to "actually" do something about her marriage problems, which has been happening for over 5 years!

 

i know i'm sounding so selfish to say that i almost resent my parents issues as they ARE affecting my relationship, which shouldn't be affected in the first place. i'm to the point i'm keeping my feelings to my self now and i need to see a counseller.

 

i'm now feeling very unsexy, unmotiovated to even try having a sexual relationship because of these parents problem. the last time i had sex, it hurt so much, worst than my first time having sex. our problems are from external sources, not from direct relationship problems. i keep reminding myself of this for hope that our future will get better when the separation is all over and we get settled into our new life.

 

*************************************************************

 

however, i'm wondering (getting back to the original post) has your girl had a rape experience or was sexually asulted as a woman or child? i know you said your sex life was ok a year ago but something could of happened to trigger off bad memories. i can be as simple as a smell or sound! obviously, you'll need to tip toe around the subject.

 

please write back and let us know, thanks!

[SlipperySammy]

No rape or molestation experieince that I know of....I would like to think she would tell me about any thing like that.

[solstice48]

I got this from Psychology Today & thought I'd pass it on, hope it helps.

 

Sexual incompatibilities can be fixed, right? And sexual disappointment isn't the worst problem when so much else is good about the relationship, right? Wrong and double wrong. First, while it is true that sex therapy can help many problems (especially mechanical ones such as erectile failure or pain during intercourse), it has a woeful track record when it comes to creating or resurrecting sexual desire. Second, while therapists can improve a lover's skill, either you have compatibility in bed or you don't. You can put someone on skates and they can learn to make it around the rink, but triple lutzes? No. Sex isn't important if it isn't important to both of you. But, if one partner is interested and the other is not, the interested party will rarely be content to just forget about it

[sym666]

If I understood well, you haven't always had these kind of problems. Are you sure that you cannot recall something useful about the "transformation" period? It seems strange that a sudden lack of sexual desire is all you noticed. When sex went well, you never noticed some particular act of hers, I don't know, something that could be a sympthom of further problems?

 

How can you say your relation is "perfect apart this"? There's a major problem, isn't it?

 

I knew persons who had such similar problem, but they realized to have it when they begun to think about sex, let's say 'from the beginning'.

 

Is she becoming aware to be bisex or gay? Doesn't love you anymore? Intersted in some other guy? Well I'm sorry, just giving random possible reasons here, but I'm really curious about this.

[SlipperySammy]

"Sex isn't important if it isn't important to both of you." Good quote, I don't just want meaningless pity sex after I complain about her lack of libido and my frustrations....I want her to want me.

 

NOTE: 4 weeks and counting, pity sex would be a god send rigth now.

 

Last week end I had to confront her again because it felt like we where pretending every thing was ok and it was starting to creep me out. All I told her was I was sad, and that I wasn't going to pretend every thing was ok. She did have much to offer, but had to go so we put off talking until Sunday evening. We talked for a long time and it felt good because she wasn't crying or being to emotional. We where having a good discussion. She told me since we have been having these problems for so long that she could feel my resentment and that wsa making her not feel close enough to me to have sex with me. This makes sense to me, I just can't figure out why she doesn't understand that if she woudl just initiate somthing I would stop resenting her...I guess she just doesn't want to or somthing....

 

Any way after lots of talking we decided to try somthing. We would kind of 'start over' I would do my best to not resent her lack of interest and she would try and be better. One big problem with this is it felt like I would have to just pretend like things where ok, but since I am willing to do any thing to fix this I agreed. To be honest I did enjoy our discussion and our 'starting over' plan seemd to have some promise, I was happy with her for discussing our problems and our week started our good with me offering many back rubs and treating her extra special...we felt close again. After several 'alone times' that resulted in absolutly nothing sexual I was little frustrated but decided to keep trying, I couldn't expect our new idea to work in a couple days. On Wednesday after I gave her a back rub and we had some nice time together she said, "I like this...You being better to me and me being better to you." I just said, "yeah."

 

We spent Thursday afternoon together, she seemed much more interested in getting pizza then spending time with me. I coonvinced her to stay in and we would order pizza we talked and rubbed each other, but nothing even close to sexual. Friday night we both got home from our 'stuff' and I convinced her to go out to get a bite to eat with some of my buddies. We both had a couple beers and a meal and came home every thing seemed nice and we where talking and feeling close. After we got inside we kissed and thingsa seemded really good. She said she had to taek her contacts out and she would meet me in bed...I thought wow maybe she might want to fool around. She climbs into bed and withing 60 seconds rolls over and starts to falls asleep. I was heart broken, and rolled over and just sighed. She asked, "are you mad?" I just said no to avoid any all nigth discussions and/or fights. It seems liek you are mad at me. I just want to sleep.....

 

I had to leave class today because I was so depressed. I am on teh brink of tears. She expects me to keep pretending every thing is ok. We have had sex 2 times in 8 weeks, and nothing I try will work. She knew last night I was mad...she has to know...I have no idea what is going on in her head, but I have never felt so far away from her.

 

If you asked her she would swear her love to me up and down, the thought of being with out me brings her to tears, but even though she knows that this issue is killing us she can not bring her self to touch me.

 

My self esteem is gone, I am VERY depressed...to the point I am having trouble doing every day tasks like going to class, the bank, working, working out, etc...I feel like just going home and going to bed.

 

I am not happy, and she knows it, but expects me to stay with her...how can she do that?

 

Any way I am going to go now and stop ranting. I figure I have two things left to try, I have already mentioned couples couselling and she said no but if she wont how can she expect me to just buckle down and feel like this?...isn't that just completely selfish? My other option is to have her read this thread and maybe register on here, I feel like some one just has to talk some sense into her.

 

I guess if the interest is not there...it just isn't there.

 

 

"Sex isn't important if it isn't important to both of you."

[solstice48]

I admire your perseverance in trying to change things. Pity sex is just as bad as sex out of obligation, which is how it felt coming from my ex. There's a book called "Mars & Venus in the Bedroom", I felt it was pretty good at explaining what a man looks for in a relationship as far as sex goes. In fact I thought it was good enough that I asked my ex to read it (along with a few others) hoping it might help her see my side, she said she'd read it but it never happened. This all leads up to the fact that if a person is not interested they're not going to do much if anything to fix things. It does seem suspicious to me that your girlfriend is acting this way because it's pretty close to the way my ex was behaving when she was wrapped up in her affair. But I could be way off about that. Another thing is if she had any bad experiences in a sexual way when she was younger it would prevent her from acknowledging she had a problem locked away in herself or possibly even being aware of it. Or it just might be that just as my ex told me "sex is not that big a deal with me". If that's the case then it comes down to what Noggy said in a previous post, you have two choices and neither one sounds like a happy one.

[Ricki008]

Well, add another chalk mark to the people who have been through this also. Your description fits almost to a tee my last relationship. Same time frame too.

 

I also suggested a time that we could talk, and work on our relationship, etc. She simply refused to do it, much like your suggestion of counseling.

 

It ended after she avoided me Valentine's weekend.

 

I have dated since, however, emotionally its taking awhile.

 

After being away from the relationship, and feeling much like you do, responsible somehow, I realised her pattern in life.

 

If something becomes inconvienient, she gets rid of it. Pets, boyfriends, husbands, etc.

 

She was not molested or abused. She's just self centered.

 

I'm not saying your lady is the same, but you need to look at HER and how she handles problems around her. So far all I see is excuses and no action on her part. You need to nail down why this is, and tell her, and if you hit it on the nose expect some fireworks, because it WILL make her angry.

 

Be sensitive to her emotions and well being, but quit being a "sensitive" guy, IE: My parents were married over 45 yrs, and both used to say, if you can't get em to talk, you sure as hell can get into a loud argument, you won't believe how much can be dumped in a good argument.

[SlipperySammy]

Friday we had a big fight...the kind that would either end in us breaking up or staying together. We talked all day and ended up making alot of progress, we felt so much better and closer we ended hugging, kissing...and fooling around...ofcourse we didn't have sex....for whatever reason (We are currently going into our 5th week.)

 

I think I have the situation a little more figured out, but feel no closer to a solution.

 

From what I can tell these are the the following reasons we are struggling and many seem to be fixable but only make another worse.

 

1) Performance anxiety...she suffors from horrible performance anxiety, so bad that she freezzes up and loses any interest in sex. Like any girl (but she is to the extream) she reads into every thing and always worries about the worse case scenerio. No matter what I do I can not seem to convince her that if she would just relax that every thing would be fine, and that she can't do any thing wrong. Also this just builds on itself because she will start to get nervouse and then get more nervouse because she can tell she is getting nervouse. I keep telling her she is great in bed and is not giving herself enough credit...I am trying to boost her confidence...*note she is really very good in bed when she can relax and we actually do any thing. The first 10 months of our relationship the sex was awsome frequent and overall very good. I don't know what I did to make her have this performance anxiety.

 

 

2) She is sexually conservitive. Like alot of girls she has grown up thinking that enjoying sex too much is sl*tty, and that sex should only be in the heat of passion and after a romantic day with her boy friend. Also she seems to have the a fear of only being wanted for sex, so alot of sex is a bad thing

 

3) Fear of pregnancy...this is a very legitment fear, but we always wair protection and she takes the pill, so we are very safe.

 

4) Pressure is taking away intamacy...since all of the above problems lower the amount of sex we have I get mad and she feels pressured to fool around just to appease me...I understand why this is a problem, but I have tried just ignoring our lack of intamacy and that can go for literaly months...so what choice do I have? It is a major catch 22. If I get mad about our sex life she feels 'pressured' and can't perform, but if I say nothing and every thing out side the bedroom is fine we still go for weeks with no sex life.

 

4. On occasion she hurts when we have sex...I have encouraged her to see the doctor but she refuses out of embaressment. I have no clue why she hurts, and only know that she describes it as a sharp pain, pressure, or oversensitivity. I can't blame her for not wanting to do somthing that hurts but it doesn't hurt every time...but another huge problem is that she really has no way of knowing if she will hurt or not until we have sex, so she is very afraid of just having to stop... saying, "sorry it hurts." This only adds to her performance anxiety. NOTE I don't blame her for her feeling about this problem but I can balme her for not mentioning somthing to the doctor 6 months ago when she had an appointment...even after I asked her to.

 

 

5. Overall a low libido...probably caused by the above stuff, or just a low libido.

 

I don't know if this problems can be fixed. So many catch 22's. I have been patient and explored every solution I can think of, but we are still having trouble.

 

On Sunday we where having an awsome day...we where just getting off of the Friday fight and where both having a huge post figth closeness and I felt like we were doing very good. We took a shower together and kissed alot...afterwards she mentioned that she wanted to plan a 'fool around' session for that night...(very unlike her but sounded awsome.) Since we were in the process of kissing on the bed I said, "why not get an early start right now." She literly got such bad perfomance anxiety she freezed up. We both recognize it and talk about...I thougth that if I went down on her she would be able to relax and get turned on. So I did.. and she really enjoyed herself, and had an orgasm. Then she just stoped...she was done nothing in return. I didn't get to upset ( I did hint at not stopping but to no avail.) I was not to upset sinceshe mentioned fooling around that night and we went on with our day. We had a awsome day together playing minature golf and going out to eat etc...Bed time comes and what do you think happens? You guessed it nothing. I tried making the first move by kissing her but she seemed not into it. She roled over with her back to me and falls asleep.

 

Not only am I sexually unsatisfied but feel horribly distant and depressed.

 

No solution on the horizon.

[solstice48]

I feel for you my friend; you've got a real predicament on your hands. I'd have to say that for the most part the solution needs to be resolved by your girlfriend. What's going on should be a major concern to her in order to go forward in your relationship. Talking about what's going on is great but there's going to have to come a time when action speaks louder than words & it sounds like your not getting much of that. It's really an issue for your girlfriend & she needs to look within herself to find the answer. It's pretty obvious this is putting some stress into your life & unless things change it's not going to get better. The big question is, why was your sex life so great earlier in your relationship & now it's in the gutter. It appears you've done & are doing all you can to find the answers but your girlfriend needs to do some work as well. And if you think there's anyway you're going to change your girlfriend you better give up that idea now because the only person you can change is yourself. You've mentioned the ways this is making you feel about yourself & that's not going to do much to help how you relate to your girlfriend or your relationship. Pretty soon you'll start to resent her for everything your feeling & I think you can figure out where that will lead. Maybe if you spent some time a part it would give your girlfriend some time to seriously ponder what's going on within her & how it relates to your relationship. She needs to come up with some answers of her own & realize where things are headed if she's not willing to find a solution in some way. Remember a relationship is a shared experience, the responsibility of both & occasionally it requires taking that relationship to the edge to find the true meaning of what it is for both individuals.

[EatZ]

3) Fear of pregnancy...this is a very legitment fear, but we always wair protection and she takes the pill, so we are very safe.

There could be a chance that the particular type of pill your girlfriend is taking has reduced her sex drive.

 

I've heard this on many many occasions, but I couldn't tell you which ones are notorious for doing this... Maybe this is something you should explore?

[SlipperySammy]

It is very possible, we looked into it, and she changed kinds...but I think she actually switched to the same kind just a non generic brand. (I don't see that helping.)

 

 

I think it would be a good idea for her to try a new pill.

[squarepeg]

Well I will try and help here and give some insight, because I WAS the woman that your girlfrined is right now, only I didnt have sex with my boyfriend for 8 months.

 

I will tell you plain and clear it was because of three reasons. The first is that i discovered a certain kind of pornography on his computer that grossed me out. The second, is because he was putting way to much pressure on me, and it turned me off. The third is because I had a need he coudlnt fullfill, he had let himself go and was not sexy.

 

I think in retropsect, if he had lost some weight, gotten me to lose some weight, never had downloaded that porn and made me chase him, I would have probably have lost that urge to resist.

[SlipperySammy]

yeah...I don't know how attractive she finds me...ofcourse I feel like very little. I do work out every day, and am very physicaly fit...sometimes she gets mad because I am working out to much and not spending time with her.

 

Isn't that an old joke? somthing about needing to lift weights to relieve sexual frustration..?

 

I don't look at porn, not that I havn't ever but I havn't in years.

 

 

I fully understand the pressure thing, She feels pressured and that is a big turn off. I understand it, and tried to just give it a rest but we still went for a month and then I had to bring it up again.

 

So I understand the pressure thing, but the thing is even when the pressure is lowered nothing happens.

 

I think our biggest issue right now is the pressure and her performance anxiety. She really had a anxiety disorder in my opinion and should see a doctor. WE have been trying really hard to fix this and I do give her credit for taking some of the emotion out of it, and trying to tackle this more logicaly. We where doing good for a few days, and last night we started messing around but she gets soooo nervouse that she is doing a bad job or somthing.....I can't get her to relax.

 

She promised to make up for it tonight, but how is she going to relax more tonight? There is more presure on her then ever?

 

I told her she needs to see a doctor and if we can't fix this soon we have to see a counseler.

 

I am trying to be mature and patient and sensative as possible...we will see what happens.

 

Thanks for all the replies...and help you guys have been a huge help!!

[jody]

Well, I can't help but feel the same misery as you. Of course, my situation is different and I would like to tell you why.

 

My husband and I met 4 1/2 years ago. He was sweet and distant and although not very passionate, he did turn me on. We dated two and 1/2 years and decided to get married. Prior to that our sex life was ok, not great but ok. I would be romantic, sexy, do anything to turn him on. I thought that since he had been raised conservatively that his sex drive would get better once we got married. All he said concerning my questions were basically: my sex drive is a little low or we don't see each other enough to really have sex as often as others (we have commuted long distance for the past 3 years).

This is another issue, but certainly not related to the sex problem.

 

Ok, so we get married and on our honeymoon night....things change. He absolutely lost interest in me. Nothing...No matter how I tried, he just was never in the mood. Then he started saying the same things your girlfriend says: That all I want is sex, that he feels used, that if I was more sexy actiing or less crabby he would be more sexual. Before long he converted the whole problem to mine.

 

Now this man is not cheating on me. He doesn't feel the urge. If he does it is a wham bam thank you man type of sex. There is no foreplay. He would be happy if I gave him oral sex but he won''t ask.

 

My message: it doesn't get better and it will destroy your relationship eventually. She may have issues. But she is not communicating them. You think that your relatiionship is good. It isn't. You do not have an intimate relationship. That is not good.

 

Get out now. If I had known, I would have never married him. My husband is smart and fulfills many of my needs. but if a crucial need isn't being met, it will eventually dominate your life. You will cheat. I have. You won't care one day. And you will be angry.

 

Worst of all, your self esteem will be affected. I feel ugly now and I am not. If she won't talk about the problem and take steps to fix her problem , your relationship is doomed. I am a mess. Don't do it to yourself.

 

I don't think that this problem is going to go away.

[Shinobie]

My advice is short and simple.Some people have not had sex there whole life like some 24 year olds so get used to it if u think ur sex life is bad because some guys havent even kissed a girl up to the age of 24 before.

[Minty80]

I've been in your girlfriends position for, well, most of my relationships. I never felt I had a particularly active sex drive and it caused a problem in my previous longterm relationships. That is until I started dating my current boyfriend, my sex drive is absolutely through the roof now and I really don't see it going anywhere.

 

It's hard to pinpoint what has made the difference between my current relationship and my past ones but I'll give it a try.

 

My boyfriend makes it more of a mental game. For example, he'll whisper little random sexual comments to me in places where it should probably be considered inappropriate. Like a restaurant, in the middle of a group of friends, hanging out at the bar, etc... It's also usually in response to something that I've done, simple things a lot of the time like just me giving him a look or a quick kiss on his neck. Sometimes they are private jokes referencing something about our personal sexual lives, sometimes it's an overt "d*mm I want you right now", sometimes it's just a compliment "that is so freaking sexy when you do that." I think the important part is that I know it's not just a line, he really and truly finds me that sexy.

 

This is a hard one to describe but often in past relationships it felt, to me, like the guy wanted me so badly because I was the one he had to have sex with, since I was the one in the relationship. With my current boyfriend it's more of a feeling like, even if we weren't in a relationship, even if we didn't know each other, he would still find me incredibly sexy and would pick me out of a room of girls. Again it's the simple comments. Say I'm changing in front of him cause we are getting ready to meet some friends. If he sees me in my underwear he'll compliment me, even though we are rushing somewhere and sex isn't gonna happen right then. He'll say how turned on it makes him when I'm wearing just underwear or how sexy he finds a certain pair. Sometimes he'll just throw me on the bed and kiss me then back up and we'll both go back to getting ready to leave.

 

Now of course there are times when these comments do lead to sex (like I said my sex drive is through the roof in this relationship) but I think the important part is that they don't always and a lot of the time it's just him expressing his desire for me with no expectation of anything else and often the reason there is no expectation is because he is doing this at times when there is just no chance of sex happening right then.

 

Here's the deal with why backing off never works. It's because you are backing off and not pressuring for sex in the hopes of having sex! The expectation for sex is only being put on hold in the hopes that putting it on hold will lead to sex. See how this isn't truly non-pressuring? If you want to go for non-pressuring try something like grabbing her for a deep kiss as you are leaving for work/school, then turn and walk out the door. When you are out in public tell her how gorgeous she is and how sexy she looks right then. Don't save displays of affection only for times where you are alone or they are appropriate. If you whisper something to her that no one else can hear it doesn't much matter where you are, does it?

 

One last thing, I also have a problem where sex hurts sometimes and I get incredibly sore. In my last relationship this caused a big problem because I was always worried that I would disappoint my partner. With my current boyfriend the first time it happened he was watching me close enough and paying close enough attention to my actions that I didn't have to even say anything and he knew it hurt (this is without knowing that it was a problem in the past). I literally started crying at his reaction, which was to stop, give me a kiss, lay down next to me and just cuddle. There was no regret or disappointment in his voice or actions. He was completely okay with it and said "If sex isn't fun for you then it isn't fun for me." Now that could come accross rather blaming but because of his tone of voice and his actions it just came accross as accepting.

 

I hope something in here helps. Making it more mental and making me feel incredibly desired and wanted has done more for my sex life then all the backing off in the world could ever accomplish.

[SlipperySammy]

Awsome response!

 

very informative and helpfull!

[hardcharger]

sex is everything, get out!!