poor sex life and poor libido please help.

[JamminJamie]

Minty80, your response was very helpful! I feel like you were able to put into words what I never could. I'm hoping that when my boyfriend reads your response, he will be able to understand things that I was only able to vaguely explain before. Thank you!

[SlipperySammy]

Jamie

 

I read Minty80's response as soon as it was posted, and thought it was well written and informative, in fact that is why after it I responded with, "Awesome response! Very informative and helpful!"

 

My question for you Jamie is exactly how does this apply to us? (I am sure it applies to us, but I want to know why think it does..or if it does.)

 

Minty80 writes,

"My boyfriend makes it more of a mental game. For example, he'll whisper little random sexual comments to me in places where it should probably be considered inappropriate. Like a restaurant, in the middle of a group of friends, hanging out at the bar, etc... It's also usually in response to something that I've done, simple things a lot of the time like just me giving him a look or a quick kiss on his neck. Sometimes they are private jokes referencing something about our personal sexual lives, sometimes it's an overt "d*mm I want you right now", sometimes it's just a compliment "that is so freaking sexy when you do that." I think the important part is that I know it's not just a line, he really and truly finds me that sexy."

 

You have made it very clear to me on many occasions this type of behavior makes you feel uncomfortable. Your exact words have been, "It makes me feel like a prostitute," or "It makes me feel like all you want from me is sex," and the big one..."I don't know what your expectations are, or what you want and then I get nervous."

 

Minty also writes,

Now of course there are times when these comments do lead to sex (like I said my sex drive is through the roof in this relationship) but I think the important part is that they don't always and a lot of the time it's just him expressing his desire for me with no expectation of anything else and often the reason there is no expectation is because he is doing this at times when there is just no chance of sex happening right then.

 

This makes perfect sense to me in the context of Misty's situation but in our case you have told me many times you do not like me doing this so....basically this behavior never leads to sex and just seems to make you uncomfortable.

 

 

Misty writes,

Here's the deal with why backing off never works. It's because you are backing off and not pressuring for sex in the hopes of having sex! The expectation for sex is only being put on hold in the hopes that putting it on hold will lead to sex. See how this isn't truly non-pressuring? If you want to go for non-pressuring try something like grabbing her for a deep kiss as you are leaving for work/school, then turn and walk out the door. When you are out in public tell her how gorgeous she is and how sexy she looks right then. Don't save displays of affection only for times where you are alone or they are appropriate. If you whisper something to her that no one else can hear it doesn't much matter where you are, does it?

 

This makes sense to me and is a great point, I still have worries that this could help but would just be a band aid to cover underlying issues. My 'backing off' approach only came after months of trying other less evasive approaches. I also look at this approach that Misty suggests as good in theory but to late for us. Can you possibly imagine this working and turning you on after we have both read and responded to this thread...we would both know the motives behind my actions and be like ok....?

 

Misty writes,

One last thing, I also have a problem where sex hurts sometimes and I get incredibly sore. In my last relationship this caused a big problem because I was always worried that I would disappoint my partner. With my current boyfriend the first time it happened he was watching me close enough and paying close enough attention to my actions that I didn't have to even say anything and he knew it hurt (this is without knowing that it was a problem in the past). I literally started crying at his reaction, which was to stop, give me a kiss, and lay down next to me and just cuddle. There was no regret or disappointment in his voice or actions. He was completely okay with it and said "If sex isn't fun for you then it isn't fun for me." Now that could come accross rather blaming but because of his tone of voice and his actions it just came accross as accepting.

 

This sounds very similar to our situation, and I don't know what else to say...I have done every thing in my ability to be sensitive and caring. I subtly tried to get you to see a doctor after you started hurting quite often but to no avail....then I became more admit, but you still refused I then got angry because you would not simply see a doctor to help solve a problem that was breaking us up...you then promised you would and then didn't! I went through the roof...and then finally you did. The final diagnoses was that your Gyno said you might have poor lubrication. This means one of two things to me...poor lubrication means you are not turned on in the first place only affirming my fears that you are not attracted to me. or you were to shy and embarrassed to be assertive and elaborate about your pain to the gyno so that in the end it was just written off as poor lubrication. (This pain has been present with excessive KY used...and as of recently returned allegedly from the KY warming liquid...or a similar pain but not the same? I am not sure.) How common is it for girls to hurt like this? I have researches extensively on the Internet but have really found little info...that is why I encouraged her to go tot he doctor because I have no clue why she would hurt like she does while using KY and also why the low lubrication thing does not make sense to me.

 

This whole thing seems so messed up I am afraid it is to late...I look back at what I have written and it is obvious that I resent this issue and I fear I resent it to the point there is little hope. Literally every time we tackle this issue I hear a different excuse, (I can't even type all of the reasons you have given me over the months, ) and then we try and solve the specific problem only to have the issue re-surface with a new excuse from you. This pattern only tells me their is one or many other underlying reasons for this problem that you refuse to share with me. What else can I think?

 

For any of you still reading this VERY long drama and thread... two days ago Jamie read a lot of posts on here and sat me down and had the most frank discussion about our sex life we have ever had. She said that one thing she read of off Ray Kay's post was that we need to really talk about what we would do incase of pregnancy and that would help lesson the fears she had about sex. My first reaction was "I am an idiot," because after all this It never dawned on me this would help her be less afraid of pregnancy and in turn be more into sex. I told her I would support her no matter what and that she should not worry...we also talked about being very careful and not getting pregnant and I reassured her I wouldn't leave her or force her to have an abortion in case of pregnancy. Keep in mind that I love this girl very much and we have plans to get married so getting pregnant might be a little premature to our life plans...but not the end of the world. Also remember she is on the pill, and we use condoms with spermicidal lubricant so chances of pregnancy seem very slim. Well any way...after two hours of the most awesome discussion I have ever had with her we both felt wonderful, (I felt like the biggest monkey was off my back and it was a relief to here her talk frankly and I had so much hope for us!) We ended up having sex and it was very good, (reminded me of when we first started dating...KY warming gel actually made her hut very bad so that we had to stop....but I washed it off and had a good finish... at least I thought so...and she said she did I mean we both 'came' and it was passionate and intimate.) I felt awesome due to the 'passion' involved and the awesome discussion we had had. All day yesterday I was on cloud nine (not necessarily because of the sex but because of our discussion,) and when I got home from school we both went fishing and then shopping...ultimately we went to bed and talked a while. This next part most of you will probably not believe me (Jamie probably wont either,) that I 'innocently' (with no expectations) started rubbing her neck and down in-between her breasts while we laid in bed...we just kept talking and eventually I rubbed and felt her breasts, while we talked, but I swear I was doing nothing but appreciating how beautiful she is and had no expectations...I could also argue so what if I did have expectations...is that against the rules? But any way she grabbed my hand and threw it to the side and said "Could you not touch me there." I said, "I am sorry...did that hurt or something." I thought she was sensitive or something or that I was accidentally being to rough or something....she said, "no...actually I don't want to take this to fast we are still working things out and I don't want to pretend things are fine."

 

The manner in which she said these things and threw my hand of her left me speechless. I am very aware that how this story is taken could easily depend on the sexual nature of my caressing...and she could have felt, 'pressured.' But I swear I wasn't doing any thing but appreciating how beautiful she looked.

 

Any way I was heart broken and really had nothing to say just because I was sooo confused and sad. I just rolled over and went to sleep.

 

Cont...Later

[SlipperySammy]

I met her at her today at a book store, we went book shopping and bought 'Men are from Venus and women from mars...in the Bedroom' book, I started reading it this evening while she is at work and so far it is really goodand alot of it its home. I don't know this is all messed up...I realized today that I get so depressed when I see other women interested in sex that I have trained myself to avoid situatons when I might see that sort of thing. I couldn't watch the reall world yesterday because of the girls on there acting interested in sex...I can't help but fear I will never experice any thing like that. I mean know those girls are on the extreme s1utyness scale...and are probably chosen for the show because in thier interview they confess to being nymphos and mtv figure s it will make good tv. I still can't help but wish Jamie would only have a small fraction that kind of interest.

[RayKay]

Hey Sammy,

 

Just read your last LONG post...it sounded like the talk was very good and had you going places, but I can see why you felt tremendously rejected the following day - not rejected sexually, but rejected in an intimate, caring manner. I believe you were doing it without sexual advances...my partner often will just caress me in such ways to also "appreciate" my body and tell me I am beautiful as he does it. To me, it makes me feel beautiful, warm, and happy...to Jamie, I guess she did see it as purely "sexual"...I do see how that would of hurt.

 

I have not read that particular book, but I do hope it will help both of you and you will both read it. Perhaps someone else who has read it can post about how it has been beneficial to them.

 

It is always hard not to compare. I will say this, there ARE indeed many women out there who DO enjoy sex and are very into it, and most of them are not "loose" either, but simply enjoy that aspect of their relationship very much with their partner. Try not to let it get you down, it is very clear you must love your partner a great deal to be trying so hard to work things through, and I really hope that on her side she will do the same.

 

I don't know what the solution is unfortunately, you two seem to have tried a lot of things, and it may come down to sexual incompatibilities, something that may never change. I don't know WHY she hurts, if the doctor ruled everything out, it may be mostly mental so she may get nervous and tighten up, or focus more on the pain then pleasure. I am not sure...it would seem if you are using lots of KY and so on, the reason cannot be lack of lubrication (FYI - some women just lubricate less, or less at certain times of cycle, it may have NOTHING to do with your attractiveness to them..but it may have to due with her libido).

 

I feel for you both, it seems you are reaching a point of almost no return...I think if this does not get sorted out and healed soon, it may be there forever, and I am not sure either of you will want to deal with this issue and these differences forever...

 

Have you gone to couples counselling/sexual counselling?

[SlipperySammy]

No counselling as of yet...I think we will read a few books and if that doesn't help go to counselling. This book is pretty decent, and suprisingly hits home on alot of issues. We read the first couple chapters last night, and really liked it. I think we will finish this one, and try another and see what that does. I see potential in the books and posting on here, I think seeing all of this in text will really help get things out in the open and Jamie really seems comitted to fixing this right now so I guess I am a little more optimistic just because the books offer somthing we havn't tried yet and I think they will help.

 

I love her very much and hope we will make proggress.

 

Thanks for all of your time RayKay you are always a big help.