ConfusedAboutHer

The last time I posted in here was back in October. I was given so much great advice and right now I am wishing that I took it. I will sum it briefly below followed by the current events that have followed for those that don't have to time to read through my horror story. I would really like as much female feedback as I can get because I want to know why all the lies, why she may feel she cannot be honest with me, and what should I do. My wife and I have been together for 5 years and have two children, one is ours, and one is hers from previous who I have been raising as mine since she was a toddler. About 9 months ago my wife started a new job and she would lie to me about what time she was working to just so she could spend time with her "co workers" having a few coctails after work. I didn't have a problem with her having a few drinks from time to time but 3+ times a week was a little excessive. Anyway thats when the lying started. Then I found out she was having some sort of internet affair with a guy from the same city we live in. To this day she swears she never met or talked to him on the phone. I decided to end the relationship after that and moved out to a friends. Later that month she totaled her car which kind of brought us back together. She swore up and down she never cheated on me and apologized dramatically for the lies and reassured me it WOULD NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN. Well, since then I have busted her in about 4 little lies that make no sense of why somebody would lie to begin with and several huge lies but she still denies. Her and her g/f were supposed to be going to the club one night. She told me they were going to this friends place to have a drink and finish getting ready. Before she left I told her I was a little uncomfrotable with her going but I had to learn to trust her again. She agreed that I could pick her up when she called towards the end of her evening. She phoned twice, once and midnight, and once at 130am. The phone call at midnight sounded fine; I could hear music in the background and girls talking. She told me she was in the womans washroom. The next phonecall however she claimed the same thing only I did not hear anything except her voice. At the the end of the call I asked to her phone me at 2 to pick her and she agreed. I am guessing that she forgot to hang it up completely because I heard a male voice say "a couple of blocks" and that was it. She did not phone again until nearly 3am asking me to pick her up from the train station. I was furious. I said no, woke up the kids and went driving towards that direction. When I found her her hair was a complete mess and she tried to tell me it was from dancing. When I asked her how she got to the train station she said she took the train. unfortunately for her the last train that night was at 10 after 1. Isn't the internet a wonderful tool?! I let her sleep and further questioned her the next night. I told her while she was sleeping her friend called and told me everything because i told her i knew everything. My wife then told me some guy kissed her at the bar, she went to the bar with two male co workers, and she caught a ride home with two strangers that offered her a ride, a male and female that were at the bar that night. Would you believe this? PLEASE TELL ME THAT I AM ABOUT TO DO THE RIGHT THING HERE>>>

WELL! This behavior sounds way too familiar to me. I am going through a very similar thing including logging instant message conversations. I understand how you feel right now. You feel betrayed, hurt, and perhaps even used. These feelings have HORRIBLE effects on our actions and our everyday lives. They consume our minds and prevent us from focusing on everything else that is important to us. You really need to start answering some of the questions in your heart. She can tell you anything you want to hear but you have to remember that actions speak louder than words. Let her behavior speak for itself. When you confronted her about this other guy did she lie to you about what was said in the message logs? Does she know exactly how hurt you are and how you feel? Does she show any remorse for her actions involving this other guy? Has she been doing everything she can ( I mean giving 110% ) to make this relationship better than it was? Do you believe she is being truthful with you and HERSELF about wanting to make your relationship work? IF you were to leave, what would her reaction be? Would she be able to become completely independent and self relient? You need to let her know that she has crossed the boundary line with this guy. You need to ask her what is important to her; you, or the "gay" buddy with the erection for your woman. If she claims that you are the center of her world than you can demand that she never speak to him again. If she cares enough about your relationship she will respect your feelings involving this other guy and will drop all contact with him. The only reason she is continuing to see/talk with him is because you haven't put the fear of abondonment in her head yet. If you do leave the best thing you can do is have no contact with her unless it involves your child. Also, the less you are available the more attractive you will become to her. Women want what they "can't" have. If she feels she "can't" have you then she will want you again. Also, by distancing yourself from her, she may realize the reasons she accepted your marraige proposal in the first place. I wish you all the best with this situation and please keep us up to date. -ConfusedAboutHer

WOW! In some ways I can relate completely to what you are saying. It is very unfortunate that people spend so much of their time investing in somebody they think they know. It really hurts to find out that the reality we live in seems more like a nightmare. I sometimes wish I could use my own advice when I say this but you need to cut your losses and just leave. The house is materialistic and can be replaced. I believe that your heart will suffer if you chose to stay and "work things out." keep in mind the fact that you are "searching for clues" and I would bet this has been consuming you for sometime now. Release yourself from the torture of this relationship and get out on your own. It will not be easy but after some time you may realize it is what's best. please keep us informed on this situation because i am going through a very similar situation at the present and i know how hard it is to accept. Make sure that you take care of yourself. -ConfusedAboutHer

I would like to thank the people that have fallen into this "tragedy" with me. The support is cherished and the opinions are all considered. ***UPDATE It has been just over two weeks since my last "update." Where do I begin? Well, around that time I told my wife that she had 2 weeks to prove to me and make me believe that she wanted "our" relationship to work. She agreed that she could and would. Within 2 days of me giving her this "grace period," she came to me one night after work and asked if I would mind if her and a couple of her "girlfriends" from work went to the bar one on the 9th of October (Saturday). She said it was for one girl's birthday and she has not been to the bar in a really long time. Oh - the bar and pub are socially different . I asked her why she never thought of inviting me and she said it was going to be all girls and i would not have fun anyway. I do not want to hold her on a leash nor do I want to be her father. I told her that she could go if I picked her up afterwards. She agreed. On the 6th of October I asked her If they would need a ride down to the club as well as being picked up. She said, "probably not because GUY FRIEND AND OTHER GUY FRIEND (both from work) would probably take them." I thought she told me it was only girls going. Did she lie the first time and slip up? When i asked her about the guys going she said that she forgot to tell me that it was GUY FRIENDS Bday as well and she just found out they were coming via girlfriend from work. When I asked her why she never asked for me to accompany her when she found out it would be mixed sexes she replied, "oh, I didn't think of it." She said she would talk to her coworkers and find out if they minded at all. I became a little suspcious of everything she was telling me that week so I went into her work bag that night when she was sleeping. I found a time sheet that she is required to fill out for her hours because it is the insurance industry. The problem was it was the copy she is supposed to hand in to get paid for that day. The day was September 24/04. That was the night i drove by her office and her car was not there. She claimed she worked until 7pm and then went to the pub with her coworkers. It was also the day before I logged that convo on msn. I asked her about it when she arrived home from work on Thursday evening and she claimed she handed them all in this morning. Sure enough it was not in her bag. Now i look a little stupid eh...but her paychecks have her hours marked on them with the days and hours she has worked. If she was lying only time would hold until payroll came around and i could see she was paid for everything she says she was going to be paid for. She also brought up that her coworkers did not mind if i accompanied to the bar . Cool i guess On Friday, Oct 08/04 she phoned me up in the afternoon and asked if i would mind picking up our daughter from daycare. She said it was a manager's last day at the office and they were going to go out and have drinks at the usual place. I said sure but i would pick her up so she did not drive or waste money on a cab. We agreed I would call her at 830pm and pick her up around 9pm or so. I phoned her at 9pm and she was blitzed. We started to get in an argument over the phone because she wanted to stay later. Then her friend(whose birthday they're going out for on Sat night) gets on the phone and tries to convince me to let her stay for another hour or two. I said "Happy Birthday" to her and she literally asked me "what i was talking about, her birthday was not for another month." Then i heard my wife whisper something to her and this woman replies with "Oh wait, yeah my birthday is actually sept.15; i mean oct.08. Ok, now she has 3 birthdays?! I don't care how drunk somebody is, their birthday is probably the one thing they would never forget. I hung up the phone and went straight down there and took her home,...she was not very happy that night. Since then she tried lying to me about the birthday claiming her friend was just really drunk and did not realize what i said to her. They never ended up going because conveniently her girlfriend cancelled and went out of town for Thanksgiving. Hmmm. After consistant bs i decided to go to my brothers for a few days to sort out my thoughts. I talked to her on the phone and she tried to reassure me that she wants us to work. I went for dinner with her and told her she had to answer every question I had with an answer other than "I don't know." These are the questions I asked her and the replies i received. Q: The time sheet i found in your bag was bs, wasn't it? Why did you lie about it? A: yes because i feel like you are watching everything i am doing right now and i have no freedom anymore. Q: Your friends birthday was bs too, why did you lie about that? A: same response with I want to have time to myself with my friends. **Note**bars are bad news for couples to attend without each other - ESPECIALLY with the damn insecurities this woman has helped me develop over the last 3 months. Q: Have you ever lied to me about working OT any other time? A: No, that was it. Q: Did you lie to me about "homewrecker?" A: No, I swear i have never met him, never talked to him on the phone, or i don't know what he does for a living. **NOTE** how do you talk to someone for that amount of time and not know what he/she does for a living? Q: Is there anything else you want to come clean with? A: Everything else is the truth. Q: The night you lied about working, I drove by your work and your car was gone. You also did not answer your cell phone that night. I logged that msn message the next morning. How am I supposed to believe you were with your coworkers instead of with this guy? A: I don't know; believe what you want. The worst part about this all is I know there is more than she is telling me. I do not have more physical evidence but, with what i have, it is pretty convincing. The disturbing part is she looked me right in the eyes and lied to my face and then did the same thing over dinner but told me the truth. It was not easy getting that out of her either. I don't even know if the "truth" is the "truth." I still do love her with all my heart and still want to make things work with her only if a mutual feeling exists. It is pretty evident that it does not. I have told her that I want her to be happy with or without me and to not play games with me. She claims seh wants to be with me. She does not make enough money to support the house we have together on her own or live the lifest yle we have been living. Also, just this last Friday, she crashed her car with no collision coverage, so now she has no car either. She cannot afford to purchase another car on her own. From the beginning i have had the thought she is staying with me because of financial security but wrestled with the thought. She has no family left to fall back on because both her parents are deceased and she "blew" her inheritance years ago with little to show for it. I am worried by leaving her now that she will not survive on her own. She has never supported herself independently of anyone else. Her ex payed for everything, then when they split her dad helped her, then when he passed she blew his money in a year (quite a bit), then i came along and have pretty much done so since. I feel i am being used and am pretty sure she has cheated. Everything i have found has just destroyed her integrity with me and all makes sense chronologically. The only thing that does not make sense is what she says; the "truth/lies." Should i abondon her so she can collect herself and her indepenance? I know that if I leave her now I will never go back to her. This pain is just too much to ever have to suffer with again. I can move on probably quite easily, i just don't want her telling me one thing (EX: i want to be with you) when she honestly in her heart doesn't. Any suggestions based on everything up to this point? I have never been or ever thought i could be a jealous or insecure person. None of this actually started until sometime in July. Sure i was a little unhappy with our sex life in the past but not enough to worry or be insecure about our relationship. Now i feel like if i don't get out of this relationship I am going to go nuts. Everything she has put me through in the last 3 months has been a dagger in the heart from every angle and i find myself consumed with proving that she is lying to me. I feel it may be best to cut my losses where they are and move out ASAP. I will be happier but i question myself with the "what if she is telling me the truth." Everything my gut has told me has been true and my heart is only playing a game with my gut. My gut says get out but my heart says "maybe." I cannot afford to hire a PI (as bad as I really want to) because i know that i could and would find out the truth then - good or bad. I said earlier that i hate the feelings i have developed over such a short period of time and you could even say that i hate the fact that i find myself consumed with "finding out" if and when she lies. Thanks again for all the replies i have received and i do check back almost every second day or so. I tend not to write for about every second week so that i have time to collect my thoughts and also to "monitor" her actions over a period of time. The more replies i get the more i know what i have to do. It is just very tough to leave the dreams i have spent 5 years trying to make come true.

Sorry for the long response to all the advice i was given...This is very long and VERY DISTURBING I have been consumed lately with finding out whether or not my wife has been cheating on me. It almost seems as though there is a cloud around my mind preventing me from thinking of anything else. I can't stand it. Update Aside from the facts that she has missing OT, she goes for drinks after work sometimes with her coworkers. The friday after work drink is a "tradition" and that can be understandable. I am not her dad nor her boss so i am not going to tell her what to do. I am fine with this except for the fact that there has been a couple of cases where she has said this is what she is doing and then does not answer her cell phone. Other times she does. She claims that the music was too loud at the pub they were all at. Ok, understandable. The following Friday she says she is working a little late and after is going to go for a drink after with her coworkers. She told me she would call me in about an hour (when she finished working) to tell me she finished work and when they were heading to the pub. Almost 3 hours passed and i was getting a little nervous that i had not heard from her so i took a drive down to her office to see if her car was there. It was gone. I went back until she called almost 2 hours after that. She said she was just leaving the office. I told her that i strolled by there a couple hours previous and her car was gone so how is she just leaving the office now? she said they went to the pub and she did not remember telling me she would call me when she finished. She said that she had to return to the office because she forgot her project notes she needed for the weekend. At this point i am convinced something is going on but did not know how to find out what. I decided the next day when she was on her msn messenger to see if i could send some files via msn to my laptop. She put up a huge fit about doing this and finally said fine. She left the room for a whole 20 seconds throughout that time however, i did manage to get her messages logged. After she was finished on the computer she went to have a shower. I went to the pc and looked at the message and this is what i found: *NOTE* names changed to protect the guilty , also; it may be a little hard to read so i hope you can make out most of it. Also, they have been referred as "wife" and as "homewrecker." I have referred to myself as "HUSBAND." The first name on the left margin is the person that wrote the message and the following name to the right is the recipiant. Following that is the message typed. ************************************************************* From To Message wife homewrecker homewrecker wife wife homewrecker grrrr "HUSBAND" was sending songs through my msn homewrecker wife lol wife homewrecker he was about to sit and have a conversation with u homewrecker wife nice.... Homewrecker wife anytime homewrecker wife lol wife homewrecker lol wife homewrecker whatcha doin? homewrecker wife one secbaby homewrecker sends Robert Miles - One and One.mp3 homewrecker wife homewrecker wife hi insatiable! homewrecker wife lol homewrecker wife wife wife lol homewrecker homewrecker how'd yasleep? You have successfully received E received Files\Robert Miles - One and One.mp3 from (L)™Ĵőşĥūǻ(L) U Want This?????ComeAndGetIt. wife homewrecker ok i guess...HUSBAND is getting on my nerves so bad Homewrecker wife soonenuff babes Homewrecker wife Imworkin onit Homewrecker Wife (Y) Wife Homewrecker Homewrecker Wife we should be in bed stillcuddling... Homewrecker Wife Fawkkk Wife Homewrecker lol yup we should Homewrecker Wife (8)RealeaseMe(8) Homewrecker Wife * Wife Homewrecker awww Wife Homewrecker thats how i feel yea Homewrecker wife I think about you all the time...u dancing and laughing about all this Homewrecker Wife Wife Homewrecker Lol Homewrecker Wife But talking to you beats going to the bar Wife Homewrecker Homewrecker Wife (Y) Homewrecker Wife Immao fer hoot Homewrecker Wife brb Homewrecker Wife (K) Wife homewrecker okies Wife Homewrecker (K) Homewrecker Wife dun go... Homewrecker Wife lol Wife homewrecker lol i wont homewrecker Wife Wife homewrecker homewrecker Wife I'm smoking a bowl homewrecker Wife lol Wife homewrecker hahaha sweet Wife homewrecker im not have to take my daughter to her dads and get some more weed homewrecker Wife well at least its coming... Wife homewrecker lol yep homewrecker Wife *offers* homewrecker Wife lol Wife homewrecker lol Wife homewrecker do u have to work today? homewrecker Wife no... Wife homewrecker thats good homewrecker Wife hell yeah homewrecker Wife then I work like 6 days straight Wife homewrecker ugh that sucks homewrecker Wife ugg homewrecker Wife meh.. homewrecker Wife payday this week homewrecker Wife Wife homewrecker im on call...so if i get a call at like 3 in the morn i have to get up and go to work lol homewrecker Wife ouch Wife homewrecker all damn week homewrecker Wife I will sneak out and comesee u homewrecker Wife hahahaha Wife homewrecker hehe homewrecker Wife grounded Wife homewrecker that would be good homewrecker Wife kidding Wife homewrecker lol Wife homewrecker according to " HUSBAND" im grounded homewrecker Wife Wife homewrecker lol homewrecker Wife Screw that Wife homewrecker last night he went to my work to see if i was actually there homewrecker Wife Im u took orders u woulda joined the military Wife homewrecker hahaha homewrecker Wife if homewrecker Wife whata squid Wife homewrecker lol Wife homewrecker hes a psycho homewrecker Wife I cantell Wife homewrecker i cant handle him anymore...he writes down my hours i put into work..like my over time hours to see if they match with my cheque..and if it doesnt he thinks im cheating on him that normal? lol homewrecker Wife lmfao homewrecker Wife not at all Wife homewrecker hahaha Wife homewrecker ok homewrecker Wife Iwonder why u smoke ope homewrecker Wife dope* homewrecker Wife lol Wife homewrecker hahaha Wife homewrecker yea its brutal.. homewrecker Wife Just tell him...how am I supposed to move if u watch all he money Wife homewrecker lmao homewrecker Wife the* Wife homewrecker screw that homewrecker Wife lol homewrecker Wife I fiured that homewrecker Wife figured* Wife homewrecker lol homewrecker Wife keyboard Wife homewrecker haha Wife homewrecker i understand yer lingo lol homewrecker Wife brb homewrecker Wife gonna get nother one homewrecker Wife (K) Wife homewrecker k..im gonna go have a shower so i can go and get some weed and so i can come back and talk to u(K) Wife homewrecker i'll be back in a couple hours so u better be here waitin for me ************************************************************* Sorry for the length. When I saw this it took every bit of strength I had to hold myself together. It wasn't a guy from work, it was a guy she has been talking to for over 2 years she met in a msn city chatroom. I knew she talked to him, they sent music to eachother, funny pic, etc, but i never expected this. I went up to the shower, asked her to get dressed and leave. She asked why and i told her and she has since then tried to convince me that it is all out of fun, she has never met the guy or talked to him on the phone, has no idea of what he does for a living. She has also said she really wants us (me and her) to work out and wants to make our relationship work. I want to believe her but can't. I love her so much and my pain is almost unbearable. She said she would SHOW me how much i meant to her. I told her that if i caught her talking to him i would be gone with no chances. I know this is stupid of me based on the message but my heart holds on so strong. I decide to see what she meant by show me. That night she put on a performance i would never forget. I had the time of my life. The next morning while she was sleeping i decided to go the computer. The file was erased. I knew she had talked to him again since i told her not to. When she woke I asked her and she tried to lie about it and then confessed. Her reason was because she knew i would be mad. She tells me she only told him she could never talk to him again because it was affecting her relationship with me. I don't believe her. Why am I still with HER? Because my heart loves her so much and i want to believe her. Based on that letter this is what i make from it: -the phrases he says "soon enuff babes, i'm workin on it" makes me think he is helping her get her own place, or move into his, or whatever. -the word Still in "we should be in bed STILL cuddling" and she replies "lol yep we should" makes me believe she has met him and possibly been with him. -The phrase he says "I think about you all the time, laughing and dancing about all of this" is really disturbing etc The list goes on as well as the way they spoke to eachother. The (K)=kiss for those not to familiar with msn messenger. Anyway, i feel like the world's biggest sucker right now because i know what i should do but it is not the way i want things to work. Based on teh lies, the message, and all the other crap from the first letter i wrote here, i REALLY need some opinions and advice on what i should do. I have an opportunity to move out with a friend for a few months to get on my feet, but like i said, we have a daughter together, she has a daughter from a previous relationship that i have been raising for 5 years now, we had a life together, and i am not clear whether or not she is sincere about what she says....I truly want to believe her but i need the strength and advise from others on such a personal issue...

Hey, Because of the adversity of the opinions listed I decided to post a link for you to helpl you read up. Hopefully this will help you make up your own mind. Cheers. link removed

Hey, There has been thousands of researches conducted and no research can prove that Marijuana has any "permanent" effects on the human brain. It effects people in different ways. I have used Marijuana on a social level and found that it is just not for me. It makes me paranoid and it makes me feel really crappy. I have friends who still use it and have done well with themselves. One example would be a friend of mine who is now a corporate executive for a major bank used it all through University at a habitual level. Lets see somebody with an alcohol problem pull something like that off. It really depends on the personality of the individual and what exactly it does to them. Like I said, there is no evience that has ever been published in the American Journal of Medicine that states that the effects of long term use are permanent. Many doctors and psychologists would agree that compared to alcohol, nicotine, or even caffine, Marijuana is less harmful to a human.

Well, I have to agree with both Solstice and Noggy. I have been in the same predicament for 5 years and am actually at this forum to find some answers of my own. I understand how it feels to always be fishing for something and never have a catch, or; if you do have a catch it is a small one such as a quickie with no passion, lust, or intimacy involved. My wife has tried every excuse in the book (I'm certain she has one or two) to avoid sex. My situation hasn't gotten any better either. In fact even worse. Because of the lack of sexual desire towards me, I have encountered a horrible lack of distrust and jealousy towards her. It sounds like you will be like this soon. Soon you will be accusing her of cheating on you and will be looking for signs instead of the signs looking for you. I would definetly let her know the options you are faced with. Women have a lot of control in a relationship when it comes to sex. Do NOT let her know the kind of control she posesses because it will only make things worse for you. Start spending time away from her more frequently to show her that she is not the center of your universe. Women want what they can't have and if she knows she can have you, she will look for the "forbidden apple." I suggest going out with your buddies more often, and still bring her flowers, take her on dates, just make sure she knows you have a life outside of her, AND by no means keep imposing sex onto her, make her want it from you. It sounds really difficuly but after a period of time she will come around. Make yourself busy but not busy enough that you stop doing things for her or with her.

My wife has just recently started a new job (about 2 months ago). After her first week she came home one night and told me how there are good looking guys in her office. Some of her female coworkers also told her that a few of them find her attractive too - I am still trying to figure out why she told me this! During her second week of work she was picked up by one of these male coworkers before work and dropped off after work. Also that week she worked some overtime with these coworkers as well. She would come home with liquor breath saying that the boss had brought liquor to the office to drink while they worked. I believed her because she was not drunk or disorderly at the time. When her first payroll came around none of her OT was accounted for so I started questioning myself to whether or not she was actually working. It also didn't help my thougts what she had mentioned the previous week either. I simply just asked her to confront her boss about the OT. She said she would and that would not be a problem. During her third week she mentioned to me one night that her and one of her male coworkers (who she told me was good looking and he thought the same of her - again i don't know why she would tell me this) were going to be spending the day out of town together at a worksite and he would be picking her up in the morning and dropping her off rather than her driving to the office. At this point I am having a couple concerns but still not enough to start a war. It has now been over 2 months and she still has not been paid for a lot of overtime she has worked. I have found one of her co-workers numbers on her cell phone and she has him on her msn messenger. She tried to lie to me about who it was and when she admitted it was she said "because she thought i would be mad having him on her messenger." She said that her boss requires her to keep listings of coworkers numbers although she does not have everyone's phone numbers from work on her cell, however. She has recently made a posting on an internet forum as well in respects to having feelings for a coworker. She was even smart enough to save it in the favorites category on our home pc. I can't help feeling a little paranoid about this. It has been a really long time (1+ years) since my wife has shown any sexual desire for me or even expressing a little intimacy when we do have sex. When that happens it more or less feels like she is doing a "chore' or something. She never really seems to "be into it" or "having fun." I have tried everything that I know to try and re spark our relationship but it doesn't seem to change this aspect of it. She says it is because she has a low sex drive. I have also recently asked her whether or not she is happy in this relationship and whether or not she wants to keep it going. She says yes but I am not completely sure that is true. How can I believe her when she lies to me about something as simple as having this one guy on her msn? I guess you could say I am wondering if she is getting things elsewhere because she is no longer interested in what she already has. I sometimes wonder whether or not she stays in this relationship for security reasons or because she actually wants to be here. Should I be concerned about a possible relationship between her and a co worker? I am really confused about her and/or us. I want to leave her because of all this but find myself trapped. We have a 2.5 year old little girl who I don't want torn away from from a family environment. I love my wife and my child but I also believe that my happiness is my number one priority. I have this horrible gut feeling that she has already cheated on me but I cannot prove it. I hate having feelings of jealousy that tear me apart and I don't know what to do. I guess that is why I am here. It is just hard to believe anything she says now because it seems like all the pointers are in one direction. Also, I am worried that my problems from home are going to start affecting my work. How do I end this jealousy rage? How do I begin to trust her or should I? How can I know if she is cheating? I appreciate ALL reply's!! Sincerely, Distraught and Betrayed