Isn't striking a child with a belt or hand in anger heading towards abuse?

[Batya33]

I agree, to me emotional damage is far more reaching than physical to a child (in my personal experience with it, anyway). I as someone who will use spanking to discipline their children agree that spanking in anger is never, ever, in a million years right. You walk away until your calm and can present it with a calm voice.

 

It depends what is done emotionally and what is done physically. I agree with not reacting in anger and that spanking in a calm way can work for some people but wouldn't for me.

[OptomisticGirl]

It depends what is done emotionally and what is done physically. I agree with not reacting in anger and that spanking in a calm way can work for some people but wouldn't for me.

 

I think if I had been spanked when angry I would def. have a different attitude toward it. but mom and dad always spanked when they were calm (vs. dad slapping me in the face when he was angry for nothing) so for me as a child there was always that line visible. And society as a whole has grown from how my grandparents/parents were raised - you can not spank your children in public nowadays without someone calling the law on you vs. when I was a child and given my 3 warnings, my mom would swat my butt if I was acting up severly.

[Alpine]

Personally, I've managed to discipline many out-of-control children without violence (mainly because in my job it'll be illegal if I did...). I don't think violence is necessary. However, I was spanked when I was little and that was my parents' choice of discipline... I don't think it impacted negatively on my development as they never smacked me out of anger. But as my own opinion I don't think it's necessary.

[petite]

I don't agree with beating, spanking or slaps on bums. I was not raised in such a household and therefore I don't condone it and don't think it is right. My parents raised 7 children without spanking us and we all turned out to be pretty decent respectful adults, they concentrated on talking instead of yelling and hitting, they always came down to our level and the only time they would shout or yell would be if we were in some sort of immediate danger in order to get our attention. My brother has three boys, and has never hit them and they are all pretty good kids, they get up to their own shenanigans but there is respect in the household from both the parents and children striking out physically is simply not how we were brought up, and don't believe in such discipline.

Also I would never, ever under any condition spank my siblings child, ever. I think that is unacceptable and if mine or my partners parents or siblings ever did that to my child, there would be severe consequences. No one is allowed to abuse my child, I would never put up with it. If they were looking after them and they did something wrong, they could discipline them verbally, by explaining what they did was wrong, but physically abuse is not acceptable.

[OptomisticGirl]

It's also completely different when you and your mother are raising said siblings child as well.

[civilservant]

I was hit, pushed and prodded. it didn't do me any harm. I had to deal with my father stood right in my face yelling at the top of is voice, and he did go on to headbutt me on more than one occasion. Yes, that is abuse. While I would never go to those extremes, I do think that physical chastisement in the right situation is appropriate and right.

[Unknown1607307972]

I completely respect the opinion of those who are against using any form of physical discipline when raising their children, but do you have to use the blanket term "abuse"?

 

Instances like in the OP are abuse, not all parents smacking their kids is abuse though even if it's not what you personally agree with...

[petite]

I completely respect the opinion of those who are against using any form of physical discipline when raising their children, but do you have to use the blanket term "abuse"?

 

Instances like in the OP are abuse, not all parents smacking their kids is abuse though even if it's not what you personally agree with...

 

Why should people who see it as abuse change their terminology in order to please those that see fit to hit, spank or abuse their children? I see any form of physical discipline as abuse and wont change my views or terminology on such a matter to suit people that think it's okay to use physical discipline on their children. Partners don't spank one another if someone has done something wrong, and if they do there is much wrong in such a partnership.

Children cannot defend themselves, the parent is bigger, taller and just the thought of hitting a child disgusts me, they are helpless little people and adults need to control their frustrations and not hit children in order to discipline them.

Someone close to me was beaten as a child, and it has left severe mental scars and strained the relationship with that particular parent.

[Seraphim]

Why should people who see it as abuse change their terminology in order to please those that see fit to hit, spank or abuse their children? I see any form of physical discipline as abuse and wont change my views or terminology on such a matter to suit people that think it's okay to use physical discipline on their children. Partners don't spank one another if someone has done something wrong, and if they do there is much wrong in such a partnership.

Children cannot defend themselves, the parent is bigger, taller and just the thought of hitting a child disgusts me, they are helpless little people and adults need to control their frustrations and not hit children in order to discipline them.

Someone close to me was beaten as a child, and it has left severe mental scars and strained the relationship with that particular parent.

 

I agree. We don't get to hit adults with impunity so why should it be done to children and just accepted. I don't hit my son. He is frustrating as all heck and questions rules and authority since before he could talk. I don't have to hit him.

[Unknown1607307972]

Why should people who see it as abuse change their terminology in order to please those that see fit to hit, spank or abuse their children? I see any form of physical discipline as abuse and wont change my views or terminology on such a matter to suit people that think it's okay to use physical discipline on their children. Partners don't spank one another if someone has done something wrong, and if they do there is much wrong in such a partnership.

Children cannot defend themselves, the parent is bigger, taller and just the thought of hitting a child disgusts me, they are helpless little people and adults need to control their frustrations and not hit children in order to discipline them.

Someone close to me was beaten as a child, and it has left severe mental scars and strained the relationship with that particular parent.

 

It wasn't a demand, just something I wished people would consider it hurts my feelings when people call people like the family I love so much child abusers. I was *not* an abused child, I have an amazing relationship with my parents and have *never* been afraid of them. I was never hit out of anger or frustration. I am a very non-violent person so I didn't learn to deal with things with violence. I have had people who don't know me *tell me* awful things in these debates about the way I was raised despite my family life being an extremely happy childhood memory. Not only am I not damaged, pleanty of other people I know had it just the same, including my boyfriend who is also very close with his family who clearly love him. It hurts when people use such a horrible word towards people we love.

 

I respect people who disagree with me and are personally against smacking, but it just really hurts when people lump people like my family in with people like the OP's father. Other punishments can be even worse than smacking, if anyone confiscated my stuff as a punishment it would be psychological torture for me that'd drive me to hysterics as a kid but a smack just made me get sulky for a while. Is confiscating stuff still a better choice than a smack in a child like me?

[Seraphim]

Ok think of it this way. If anyone walked up their partner and said, "you know what?? you are just not getting what I am saying or what I am trying to teach you and I am not angry but I am going to smack your bum now." and you did it. They would be charge with assault. But we make someone 4 feet shorter and 25 years younger and we say " I am going to smack you now because you are not doing something I want you to." and this is ok. Why? Are they any less people because they are younger and shorter? Shouldn't it be a human right to have rights not to have your body assaulted no matter what age you are? I think so.

[petite]

It wasn't a demand, just something I wished people would consider it hurts my feelings when people call people like the family I love so much child abusers. I was *not* an abused child, I have an amazing relationship with my parents and have *never* been afraid of them. I was never hit out of anger or frustration. I have had people *tell me* awful things in these debates about the way I was raised despite my family life being an extremely happy childhood memory. Not only am I not damaged, pleanty of other people I know had it just the same, including my boyfriend who is also very close with his family who clearly love him. It hurts when people use such a horrible word towards people we love.

 

Turn the table around and see that it might hurt others know that children are being hit.

 

That's great that you have a good relationship with your family, I'm happy for you, but that isn't the case always. I know plenty of people that were hit as children, some that don't care about it and others that hold grudges even well into their adulthood and it has affected them and their relationships with their parents and even their partners and or children. I am not a psychologist, but I know that they would have their own "opinion" on children that were hit and how it affects them mentally.

 

As I said before someone close to me was hit as a child, actually quite often, and it has left a lot of emotional and mental scars which the person in question has carried into adulthood. There is a lot of anger and resentment which probably will never be forgotten.

 

If my parents hit me, I know I'd have huge resentment issues and I know my relationship with them would not be as great as it is, thankfully they did not and I am ever so grateful because I'd really never forgive anyone that lifted their hand on me, it's just not acceptable for me.

[Seraphim]

^^ I agree, my mother was hit almost daily as a child for whatever "misdeed" her mother perceived her to have done. And she grew up terrified of her mother. They got on as adults but only because my mother had the ability to forgive her mother and realize that her mother did not know any better.

[petite]

I respect people who disagree with me and are personally against smacking, but it just really hurts when people lump people like my family in with people like the OP's father. Other punishments can be even worse than smacking, if anyone confiscated my stuff as a punishment it would be psychological torture for me that'd drive me to hysterics as a kid but a smack just made me get sulky for a while. Is confiscating stuff still a better choice than a smack in a child like me?

 

Well maybe you shouldn't take peoples opinions to heart. We don't like knowing that children are being physically disciplined and you don't like it being called "abuse", even though for people that don't agree with you, usually that's what it is, at least that's how I view it.

 

I don't think that taking away a toy leaves long-term physiological impact, the child probably wouldn't even remember it in 20 years time. It isn't just about taking a toy away, it's about explaining to the child what they have done is wrong, claiming them down, getting on their level, and teaching them that certain things are unacceptable. I find that children that are hit become immune to it, and they know when they do something they will make a mistake, be smacked, they aren't made to think about what they have done wrong.

[Seraphim]

^ I agree. A child has to understand what they did. When I take something away from my son I first tell him to stop whatever it is that he is doing that is unacceptable. He gets 3 chances. After the 3rd time I take away his most precious items and I tell him WHY and that he had his chances. I tell him WHY and WHAT he did that was not acceptable. I ask if he understands. The item is gone. Then before I return it I ask him in his words what he did wrong and what went wrong. Then it is returned.

[Unknown1607307972]

Indeed, I get that the idea may upset others, but I think like I want to be polite to those who think it's a horrible way to punish children I would hope that others can at perhaps

 

I think smacking children is highly about how it is done and also about the individual child. My parents would always warn me before they'd smack me (I wasn't even smacked very often, just when I was continuing to misbehave despite warnings) and after I'd sulked for a while I'd calm down and it genuinely was not a big deal to me, my parents would make it clear that they love me and that everything was fine and there was no lingering problem. It's really different from family to family and I think that is why there are some very different outcomes from smacking children. I just think if used it should be only a last resort punishment after warnings and you should always make it clear that your kid in general is happy and loved. I think the attitude of the parents makes a difference. I remember being horrified by a childminder who once threatened to smack me as well as her own two daughters for being too noisy when we were playing, it felt totally different to the idea of my parents doing it (my mum never said this woman could do this by the way).

 

So basically, I can understand why people feel against it and I would never try and persuade you otherwise, I just don't think everyone who used physical discipline deserves to be called an abuser.

 

 

 

I can see what you're saying, I can understand why you are against it even though I am not as long as it is very carefully used. I just find it hurtful when people call my family abusive when they've been the most supportive people I could ever ask for and put them in the same category as people who get pleasure from hurting others.

 

 

 

But I do, 20 years or so later. I am obsessively protective over my belongings...and I always knew why I was being punished whether I was smacked or whether I had belongings confiscated. I had been warned, I had been told what was doing was wrong already. I just found the idea of someone taking something from me and keeping it away from me too much to bear. If I was smacked, after my sulking period one of my parents would come and talk to me about it and that was all.

[OptomisticGirl]

I personally just don't see children as these fragile pieces of glass that are going to break at the first mishandle. I was punched, kicked, and thrown into walls by my father - THAT is abuse. Me misbehaving and my mother giving me a few swats on the butt and then talking to me was not. There are plenty of parents who don't spank who still verbally, emotionally, and mentally abuse their children.

[petite]

Thing is ~Unknown~ we can't choose what people think, or what their views are, and if they see physical discipline as abuse, you can debate it, but they probably wont change their opinion on such matters.

 

I can hear thousands upon thousands of stories that it's okay to hit children excuses, and justifications, and I'll still call it abuse, because I was taught any form of violence is unacceptable. It's a subject I'll never keep quiet about or be cautions with my words to make others more comfortable, because they don't see hitting as abuse or because they hit their children. I've seen too many battered women and children and morally I would not be able to live with myself if my main concern was not the victim but rather the abuser and their feelings. Many things in life are unfair, we hear things we don't like, but that's a part of life, there have to be people defending those that cannot defend themselves and children are pretty defenseless. Of course I wouldn't let my child run amuck, and there are many things about some children that can irritate the heck out of me, but I'll never excuse hitting. You don't like your family being refereed to as abusers, that's fair enough, no one here is directly talking about your family, it's all general discussion - and just like you don't like people that hit their children to be called abusers, we don't like children being hit.

[Batya33]

To me not seeing a child as fragile doesn't excuse hitting as a form of discipline (or out of anger) - what that perspective helps a lot with is teaching the child how to figure things out for himself and how to stretch himself even if it means getting physically stuck - like the child who's trying to get from point A to point B and has an obstacle in his way - it's better sometimes to let him figure out how to get around the obstacle even if it means tripping a little and getting a minor "boo boo" than to rush in every single time to show him. But obviously there are degrees there too -a friend of mine "taught" her 2 year old how not to slam doors by letting her slam her finger in the door. I wouldn't do that personally. But, I do stop myself from rushing in to wipe off dirty hands when he falls on the playground (a soft surface) because I want him to learn how to brush his own hands off and that dirty hands while playing are perfectly ok. I don't think that argument works for an adult hitting a child, because the lesson there is not "it's ok if you trip because you're not a fragile piece of glass" but rather "since your bruise or mark from my hitting you and/or the pain you feel from my hand will fade/heal then it's ok for me to hit you". Doesn't work for me, personally.

[camus154]

Personally I think we've made our children a bunch of ninnies in more ways than one, although this might certainly be part of that. I'm sorry, but the rare smack on the butt for repeatedly misbehaving isn't going to cause emotional scars in healthy children. It's just not. Any story about adults with this or that or the other disability or disorder due to being abused by parents is either addressing a very obviously different circumstance of abuse versus discipline or is psychologically indulgent to a dishonest degree.

 

I think we can all reasonably distinguish between physical reprimanding that--even if we personally don't agree with it--we certainly wouldn't lump in the same category as wholesale abuse. If you'd have a problem with a neighbor being hauled off to jail because you verbally labeled her parenting as "abuse" and the wrong people overheard and reacted, then I'd personally suggest reconsidering what labels you choose to use and why they do, indeed, matter.

[OptomisticGirl]

For me it was how I was raised and I personally see nothing wrong with it. I'm not emotionally or physically scarred from getting a few swats to my butt or my mom letting me fall of the couch because she told me to stop and I wouldn't - as Camus said, I think we highly over protect our children in today's world. If a parent doesn't want to parent that way fine - that's the beauty of parenting - but labeling all parents who spank as being child abuses is just as absurd as me saying any child that isn't disciplined with spanking is going to be spoiled - the word doesn't fit everyone in the category.

[Seraphim]

I agree it is not about making kids into "pansies or pieces of glass" for me about it is about respecting another person's body as their own. We don't get to hit adults and I don't see kids as LESS deserving of that respect not to have violence committed against them.

[OptomisticGirl]

So if kids are equal to adults then why discipline them at all? They are after all another human being - no adult has ever told me how to act, when to sit down, of when to do something. My parents did when I was a child but as an adult a fellow human being telling me what to do and how to act is seen as them being bossy so why shouldn't parents be seen as bossy? Because it's silly. Someone has to be the one to teach kids how an adult is suppose to act - the ways of teaching that differs from parent to parent. Why take a teenagers game boy or iPod from them when they bisbehave? It is their property and as a human we don't go around taking another person'a stuff when they muck up.

[Seraphim]

There is discipline without hitting though. We don't discipline adults by hitting them. They are equal in RESPECT. OG you know yourself if you would tell someone to leave a relationship where someone hit them man or woman. So why are child not afforded the same respect? That is all I am saying and talking about is common human respect, not lack of discipline.

[OptomisticGirl]

Yes, I would tell them to leave - but again getting another adult is abuse, not discipline. No adult is suppose to discipline another adult, physically or verbally. Same way I would be the first to call child services if a parent smacked a child in the face or any other area other than their butt - its abuse, not discipline. Senselessly spanking a child with no talk freeware or in anger is abuse. I was both thrown around by one parent and physically disciplined by another - for me it's a distinct line in the sand vs. someone who doesn't do either.