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I've been loved before, but turned many down. Is it my fault I'm sad & lonely?

egygirl

By egygirl
in Dating Advice

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egygirl Apprentice

egygirl

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I feel bad. I'm not happy. I'm in a relationship I'm not really happy with. But I'm not getting any younger. Over the years, many men have fallen in love with me. These were friends that I've known for years. But somehow, I didn't have the same feelings for them that they had for me. Now, many of them, infact all of them, now, are married, engaged, or about to get engaged.

 

I feel like what has happened to me is a "what goes around comes around" situation. Did I do the right thing turning these guys down? Was I being too picky? I mean most of them at the time, were in no situation to get married. They didn't have stable jobs nor a house for us to live in. Some were living far away from me, and we couldn't make the long distance thing work. Still others hadn't matured enough yet. Others were nice, but I just didn't see them in a romantic way. Maybe I should have given them a chance. Someone else did, and now they are happily married.

 

Now, I'm stuck. I don't know what to do...how to find love...the perfect soulmate. I feel I will just end up settling before I end up alone for the rest of my life. I wonder if these people are really happy. They seem to be. I keep looking at my friends who are in relationships with their soul mates. I wish I knew how they did it. And I wonder why I have to wait so long and feel so bad before it finally happens for me.

 

Anyway, has anyone else ever felt this way? How do you deal with it?

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Destiny78 Newbie

Destiny78

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I'm in a relationship I'm not really happy with. But I'm not getting any younger.

 

Good point! You are not getting any younger so why waste your time being unhappy? And you are not going to find the perfect soulmate when you are in a relationship that you are unhappy with.

 

There comes a point in your life when you have to say that you are worth something. You are worth being loved by a really good guy! And then once you believe your self-worth you have to go out and find a guy who also believes your self-worth. There is no shortage of guys out there. There are millions of single guys walking this earth - you just have to go out there and look for them, they aren't just going to show up in your life.

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MayJane Contributor

MayJane

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I feel like it and same here I'm not getting any younger. All the guys i turned down were idiots in the beginning and I didn't take it further now all those people are settling down and I even think should I have maybe given them more of a chance to prove themselves?and also wondered if I'm too picky I def won't settle for somebody though I'd prefer to be single.

 

Sometimes I think although people are Happy now they could quite easily not be together in ten years and by then we could have found a soul mate and be super happy. You never know what's round the corner I guess as much as its hard xxx

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UntamedBeauty Newbie

UntamedBeauty

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If you are in a relationship with a man that you do not love it would be very selfish to stay with him because you fear not being able to find someone else.

 

Agreed! Keeping him around will block someone meant for you to enter your life. It's time to put the focus on what makes you happy when you're alone so you can radiate the confidence & charisma to attract a man of your interest & not try to beat the clock to catch one, if that makes any sense.

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DN Grand Master

DN

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Agreed! Keeping him around will block someone meant for you to enter your life. It's time to put the focus on what makes you happy when you're alone so you can radiate the confidence & charisma to attract a man of your interest & not try to beat the clock to catch one, if that makes any sense.
It also blocks someone coming into his life who will love him as he deserves.
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eternalsunrise Contributor

eternalsunrise

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Yes, I've felt this way...and how I dealt with it is I broke up with the guy I was with. It feels emotionally and soulfully liberating to go separate ways and be single again. I honestly feel I gained so much more by being "single"... You have your dreams back with you when you know if you stay with him there are no dreams to fulfill.

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ut804 Collaborator

ut804

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I have the same problem. I am *very* picky. So many men want to be with me but I don't like them. If I do like a guy and we end up dating he ends up dumping me. Am I supposed to end up settling? I do want a family one day and theres a time limit for that. I mean I'm 25 and so I still have time but I see more and more people my age getting married, engaged. I'm starting to think no one will be left anymore and it will just get harder

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abitbroken Grand Master

abitbroken

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You mention:

 

I mean most of them at the time, were in no situation to get married.

 

I think your expectations were a bit high. If a guy shows interest, it doesn't mean that they have to be financially ready to marry right then. When we are young, we may want to get married some day but are not there yet as far as stability. We may not have graduated, we may not be where we want to be job wise or we might be learning the ropes. A relationship must have two people that ultimately want something similar in their lives, but the dating period is when we really learn about each other, then the time passes and suddenly we are financially stable to marry.

 

If they were in no position to marry because they were legally married then, that's another story,

 

Also, i wonder if you don't have a bad relationship - just that maybe you are not happy with yourself. I know its natural to see guys you 'could have dated' get married and you somehow think "gosh, it could have been me." There was a guy in school i really liked and a few years later I saw him with his wife - and i felt "gee, here i am single - if only I had accepted his invite to go out." Not that i would have married him, but the "why am i still single and all of them are married" thing.

 

what exactly is going on with your relationship that is not good? are there things that can be worked on? Any long term relationship requires understanding and growth on both ends and some of the guys you feel are with their soulmates - you aren't seeing the behind the scenes - the parts of their relationships that require patience and compromise.

 

I encourage you to start doing things for you - that make you feel whole and satisfied, whether that is volunteering, taking up a new hobby, support groups, activities related to your faith, etc. And it will give you a chance to figure out if you are just unhappy with yourself or feel you are not suited to your partner. If you feel you don't match, then break it off.

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Batya33 Grand Master

Batya33

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I think you're second guessing because you see that the men you turned down apparently were and are adored by other women. It's harder now with Facebook because it's far more in your face than, let's say, some years earlier when you'd have to search the wedding sites to see if your ex was now coupled up or something similar (I did that, I admit it!). I don't think you should waste time second guessing and I agree- get out of the dead end relationship . I was in a relationship like that -it was painful for both of us - I met my husband 6 months after we finally broke up (7 years on and off) and he met his wife about 2 years after we broke up. It all worked out thank goodness but I wouldn't be happily married now had I not been willing to finally walk away and stop the on/off again rollercoaster.

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Crazyaboutdogs Proficient

Crazyaboutdogs

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I suspect that had you tried to give it a go with the other guys, you would have been forcing the relationship on to yourself like you are with the current guy. If you felt those other guys were wrong for you then they probably were. Just because those guys are right for another woman (and you don't really know how those relationships are going) doesn't mean they would have been right for you. Your current guy is not right for you and yet you are still with him pretending to the world that you are in a fulfilling relationship. There are a lot of men and women who do the grand pretence to the world while behind closed doors are miserable with their partner. It is far better being alone than trying to force a relationship. It is time to end your relationship so that this guy can find someone who does care about him, and you can be free to find someone who is more suitable for you. Not everyone finds a partner and that's okay. It is okay to be single.

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oldenoughtoknow Apprentice

oldenoughtoknow

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I agree with what's been said. If you're not happy in your relationship, the first thing you need to do is get out. You are wise to be exploring why you're having problems finding the right guy, but stop looking at your past suitors current situations. Remember our divorce rates? Most people who find their "soul mate" are only enjoying a temporary state of delusion. Sure, sometimes people change, but more often people become the opposite of picky as they are blinded by infatuation.

 

You're only 25, so I don't think you should worry too much. Have you ever been in love? Even a little bit? There is such a thing as being too picky, and it's usually linked to other issues that, for various reasons, are causing you to build a list so perfect that no one could ever meet the criteria. Like most things in life, the middle ground is the most healthy place to be. If you think this may be an issue for you, I'd suggest you seek counseling.

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  • 2 weeks later...
EmmaB78 Enthusiast

EmmaB78

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I get this feeling sometimes too because I turned down a lot of great guys in my 20s and then went out with some losers in my early 30s, watching as those guys I turned down got married. But, you know, we do the best we can with what we have at the time. Although it is easy to look back and say, "Wow, they weren't so bad. Why did I pass that up?" the truth of the matter is you did that for a reason. You have to trust yourself and realize that you did what was best for you at the time. All that is happening is that they found their marriage partners before you - doesn't mean that if you had tried with them it would have succeeded.

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