Mamasita Posted January 10, 2012 Share Posted January 10, 2012 I'm feeling pretty pathetic right now. We've had a pretty tumultuous relationship... I've posted before about my struggles about breaking up and getting back together and so forth and how confused I feel etc. It's hard to talk to the real people in my life because I dont want them to judge me... or him. I feel like I have made the mistake of talking to my family about our arguments, just to vent - and they have ended up disliking him instead. Since getting back together there's been a bit of man-handling going on which has just gotten worse, started with grabbing me and forcing me to sit, pulling me back so I couldnt leave and forcing me to sit down while he yells at me and says nasty things about me. Throwing my stuff around, pushing me out the door etc, grabs my face and mouth in a vice grip so I cant speak, pushes me down, holds me down, shoves me. Two weeks ago a night out ended in disaster when my friend wanted to keep going or go home (without him), he pulled me violently out of the car while I was almost belted in so my arm was bruised by the seat belt friction and dragged me into the house. He sat like a prison warden guarding me so I couldnt leave, I had to stay in his room with my phone confiscated, with the least bit of movement he'd get up and check to see what I was doing. I cried myself to sleep and woke up in his arms - I'm sure it did not start as a cuddle - it was to make sure I couldnt leave without waking him up. We grudgingly resolved this and I went on a family holiday which was great, but in the end, when everyone was gone an argument ensued and I was dragged outside (screaming) and shoved repeatedly into the dark and then so hard I fell over and rolled my foot, it was so painful I sat in the dirt and bawled like a baby, I bit his arm and hit him repeatedly with my sandal any time he tried to touch me, I was so angry. He tried to talk to me, iced my foot, told me he was going to get help but then the minute I said anything about how I felt he'd get angry again an start abusing me and telling me how worthless I am. My leg is in a cast right now and yeah... this is pretty fkd. I'm typing it all out and realising just how bad it sounds when you remove the person and the relationship, the facts, the love, the reasons, the good and just type in the bad things, the nasty things said or what happened. I know there is no excuse for violence, even if I did do something really horrible he should never touch me, never force me to do anything, stay, go, talk, he shouldnt talk to me the way he does when he is angry. So he emails me this morning and gives me updates on how he's going with getting help for his anger management like he said he would do. i know he feels bad, he broke down the morning after and cried that night, that morning - but hardly seemed like he was crying for me, he was pitying himself. I couldnt walk on my ankle, I had to hop everywhere, sit to shower and was in a fair bit of pain. He's tried to help me and get me everything I need to manage. He piggy backed me to the toilet etc and we lied to everyone saying I fell down the stairs - such a cliche. but then in his email he said they might want my contact details to contact me and offer me some support, and he said he dosnt think that is whats best... and I just feel so fkd. I havnt been able to talk to anyone about this... and then someone says maybe they should reach out to me as well and he's like no, that wont be necessary. I feel like such an idiot. he's so controlling, its his way or the highway, no care for me, no thought or regard for my feelings. why am I with this guy? and yet... with my leg in a cast... how am I going to get to work, last thing I need is a break up or to tell anyone the truth, I need his help while I am on the mend, I dont want to tell anyone what really happened. I have a lot of friends - a very close family, if they had any idea.... well, it wouldnt be good and I cant be bothered with the drama. I'm a happy person, i just want laughter happiness and good times and i want them back - i really cannot be bothered with the hassle of this. i know this relationship needs to end, i dont even know why he even treats me like this and i wonder if he even knows how much of an a$$hole he is?? Im seriously baffled. Anyway I guess I just really need to vent... I havnt told anyone the truth about what happened, from friends, to family to work, to hospital staff... and then to get his b.s emails today arguing with me, its making me feel crazy and stupid. Link to comment
bulletproof Posted January 10, 2012 Share Posted January 10, 2012 Have you ever considered the fact that he could kill you? Or at the very least, put you in the hospital with a lot more than a broken leg. Please, please, please tell someone that you know. The drama of a breakup and telling the truth is nothing compared to the drama of what you're living every day. Seriously, you need to get away from this guy. This sounds insane. And if you really can't tell anyone, then just leave him. It's nobody's business why. But get out of there as soon as you can. Link to comment
EgoJoe Posted January 10, 2012 Share Posted January 10, 2012 I am so sorry that you are going through this. Forget what people think, get the hell out of there. You never know how bad this could get. It is already unspeakable. In my state...he'd be doing prison time. Link to comment
turnera Posted January 10, 2012 Share Posted January 10, 2012 He is an abuser. Do you really deserve nothing better than to be battered by a man? Get rid of him. Link to comment
Mamasita Posted January 10, 2012 Author Share Posted January 10, 2012 I'm pretty sure he wont kill me... theres no drugs or alcohol involved in this violence - he just cannot seem to control his emotions when he's angry and gets angry very easily. but yeah this is a fairly sorry excuse for a relationship if it can get this bad... I know. I will end it successfully (make that a new year resolution!) - but i'll wait till I can walk first!!! Link to comment
bulletproof Posted January 10, 2012 Share Posted January 10, 2012 Why are you waiting until you can walk? You said it yourself, you have plenty of friends and family to help you. I think you are making excuses because it will be difficult for you to leave. I also think that drugs and alcohol have very little to do with whether he's capable of killing you. He has uncontrollable rages, and who's to say that he won't go overboard one day? That's the nature of the word "uncontrollable". I cannot stress enough that you need to leave, a.s.a.p. Link to comment
browneyedgirl36 Posted January 10, 2012 Share Posted January 10, 2012 I'm pretty sure he wont kill me... theres no drugs or alcohol involved in this violence - he just cannot seem to control his emotions when he's angry and gets angry very easily. but yeah this is a fairly sorry excuse for a relationship if it can get this bad... I know. I will end it successfully - I'm pretty sure of it (make that a new year resolution!) - but i'll wait till I can walk first!!! You are minimizing his behavior and making excuses for him (as most abused people do) -- just because there are no drugs or alcohol involved, that doesn't mean he won't seriously hurt you. You know this, and this is why you're not telling your friends or family members. You have nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about, and I can assure you, the "drama" of telling your friends and family will be a relief compared to what you've been experiencing. What would you say to a friend who told you all of what you wrote in your original post? Would you tell her "Well, don't worry, I don't think he'll kill you" or "Well, there are no drugs or alcohol involved, he just has a hard time controlling his temper"? Something tells me you wouldn't. Something tells me you'd do exactly what I would do -- help her get away from the guy as soon as possible. If I didn't live on the entirely different side of the world from you, I'd come get you right now, and I don't even know you! Please look at this link. What he is doing is a crime. He needs INTENSE psychological help, and, I daresay, he needs some jail time to straighten him out. link removed All it takes for you to get out of this is to tell ONE person who is close to you -- that's all. Tell the person you trust the most. It will be hard, but the alternative is much, much worse, I can assure you. You shouldn't live in fear for your safety -- no one should ever have to live that way. Link to comment
Mamasita Posted January 10, 2012 Author Share Posted January 10, 2012 arggghhh I know... and you guys are right. and I am so tempted to reply to his emails that are still coming through being an obnoxious douche and tell him to just pi$$ off, god I'm so close. just feels like cutting off my nose to spite my face because i have no idea how i will get to work without his help right now - its near impossible and who else should help me then him right now?? it's his problem not anyone elses because he did this. sure this is pretty screwed up but its just that little bit more screwed up when i cant get around, everyone finds out what really happened and that is one tidal wave of hate id like to avoid right now. i know im trying to minimise etc... its a bit of pride, and a bit of denial that im actually getting treated like this and trying to be stoic even tho this is a messed up situation. i know i deserve better, i've had better - way better partners and i know he has issues, he knows he's got issues and sees a psychiatrist for anxiety etc. trust me i know this is not a guy i need to waste my time and life on. of course i would never want to sit by and let a friend go through this and mine wouldnt so i dont even want to tell them because i know i will be forced to act. thanks for the link... i guess the thing about hididng something like this - you somehow deny whats actually happen. it is making me dislike him even more!! Link to comment
avman Posted January 10, 2012 Share Posted January 10, 2012 I'm pretty sure he wont kill me... theres no drugs or alcohol involved in this violence - he just cannot seem to control his emotions when he's angry and gets angry very easily. Someone who cannot control themselves can kill you. It does not take drugs or alcohol to fuel it. If he gets angry easily and then can't control himself then you are in great danger. You are covering for his behavior and trying to convince yourself it isn't that bad. It IS that bad. Please get out of there. Tell someone at the hospital what really happened and ask them to help you. They will find a way. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted January 10, 2012 Share Posted January 10, 2012 Wouldn't it be natural for your family not to like him if he is injuring you and abusive towards you?? Sadly, many abused women cut their families and friends out of their life because they don't agree with the actions of a violent mate and end up isolating themselves - which is what an abuser wants. Being "i just want to be a happy person" is a big form of denial. You want to just sweep this under the rug when you need support from friends and family. They WILL be mad TEMPORARILY - it is natural to be angry, then they WILL support you. You don't need to tell coworkers - but you need to tell close family member, your best friend if they were not driven away already and hospital staff. Link to comment
bulletproof Posted January 10, 2012 Share Posted January 10, 2012 just feels like cutting off my nose to spite my face because i have no idea how i will get to work without his help right now - its near impossible and who else should help me then him right now?? it's his problem not anyone elses because he did this. This logic is severely flawed. It doesn't matter that he is the one that caused the injury. The people that should help you are the ones who won't hurt you further, or torture you every step of the way. His "help" so far doesn't seem so hot, judging from the emails you're describing. There will be a way to get to work. You don't need him. Lean on your friends and family, that's what they're for. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted January 10, 2012 Share Posted January 10, 2012 This logic is severely flawed. It doesn't matter that he is the one that caused the injury. The people that should help you are the ones who won't hurt you further, or torture you every step of the way. His "help" so far doesn't seem so hot, judging from the emails you're describing. There will be a way to get to work. You don't need him. Lean on your friends and family, that's what they're for. There are also cabs. Are there buses in your area? Also, if you attend church, perhaps you can spread the word to someone going your way. Even some high school senior who are doing community service hours might be able to drive you if it fits in with their schedule. What about carpooling with coworkers? stick to your guns because he is going to try to be overly nice to you right now...until the next violent episode. Link to comment
Miss Firecracker Posted January 10, 2012 Share Posted January 10, 2012 I had that boyfriend once too. I pity you. Lucky you are alive today. Link to comment
daniel001 Posted January 10, 2012 Share Posted January 10, 2012 I'm sorry to hear your story. I think you need to get away as soon as you can. You do not deserve his punishment. These are his issues. You now have your issues to worry about. You need to be focusing on you and getting away from him. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but you need to live for you. I understand and have seen the outcome of domestic violence at its absolute worst (distant family) and you do not deserve it. Nobody does. Link to comment
Mamasita Posted January 12, 2012 Author Share Posted January 12, 2012 It's over. Thank you all for taking the time to give me the advice and support I needed - I appreciate your thoughts on the matter and the relationship is over. Thanks Reese Link to comment
NightLily Posted January 12, 2012 Share Posted January 12, 2012 Is it really over or is he just making you say that? I hope it is really over. I had a guy break my foot and to this day it will hurt to walk on it and it never healed correctly. Stay the hell away from him seriously. People with uncontrollable rages will randomly try to shove you out of speeding cars and o.o I hope for your sake it is over. Please be careful. Don't be afraid of calling the police on him or going to the hospital to tell them. Later on, you may wish you had. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted January 12, 2012 Share Posted January 12, 2012 Tell the people at the hospital and get out of there. I will tell you where my mother's best friend is. She is in a cemetery. She was shot to death by her abusive husband who neither drank or took drugs. These things ALWAYS escalate they NEVER NEVER get better without help. Link to comment
Mamasita Posted January 12, 2012 Author Share Posted January 12, 2012 No it's over, we broke up yesterday, I stood by offering little thought, insight or comfort for his issues as I usually do and let him work his way into it so that it was his doing. It was a very erratic morning yesterday with him braking hard whilst driving and breaking down so he had to pull over in the car and start sobbing & then the rest of the day feeling pathetic, telling me he was losing his mind and this relationship is so unhealthy for him and has to end (amazing how its all happening to them isnt it?) - worked for me anyway. I have realised that with someone that controlling - even breaking up needs to be their idea or it becomes a nasty and abusive ordeal (I've called it off enough times that I know how he will react). They dont like being told how things should be or facing the (no matter how sugar coated) fact that you dont want them. So he broke up with me and promised he was going to help me with everything until the cast is off. There was meant to be no intimacy etc... it sounds complicated but and I was happy with that. probably too happy as it seems my complacency with it seemed to throw him off a little. I was surprised when he reached accross the bed to hug me etc lastnight and then that ended up with sex, and then again this morning - It is such a turn off how confused he is. I'm not afraid of him Nightlily, he's not making me do anything. He is constantly saying "just tell everyone the truth" about my leg and torturing himself over it and I refuse, I'm too proud... and he goes along with it respecting my wishes. If he was telling me to do that it would be a very different story and I would probably despise him for it. I'm really sorry to hear about your foot, these kinds of men really are pathetic - there is no doubt about that, it's bullyish and brutish behaviour. Victoria I know how volatile it is, I live it when he loses his temper - in theory I'm not afraid of him, but I dont fight back as hard as I could or would because I know how easily and quickly it could spiral. He is 6'3" to my 5'5" and very strong, as proud and defiant as I feel, i fight the desire to punch him in the face because i'm pretty sure i'll go through a wall. Thank's again for your concern - I can assure you it's over and we have no future. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted January 12, 2012 Share Posted January 12, 2012 That means it is not over. He is still in contact with you. If he has ANY contact with you whatsoever it is not over. Link to comment
Mamasita Posted January 12, 2012 Author Share Posted January 12, 2012 Perhaps this break up will take a little bit of time - but it will happen and eventually there will be no contact. This is good anyway - as ridiculous as it may sound - I was actually contemplating staying with him if he did his anger management course and improved. This discussion has actually made me realise how silly that was. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted January 12, 2012 Share Posted January 12, 2012 OK here is more of my mother's best friend's story. She was not even with her husband when he shot her. They had separated. She lived in her own place and had not seen him for 9 months. He called her and lured her over saying he had stuff that belonged to her. He shot her the first time as she came in the door and shot her again as she ran from the house. ANY contact with men like this is dangerous. Link to comment
bulletproof Posted January 12, 2012 Share Posted January 12, 2012 You are still living together, and you had sex this morning. It is certainly not over. Please get out of there, no matter how sorry he's acting or how nice he's being. Do you have a child in that house? If you do, please at least get out for him. This is extremely dangerous and unhealthy, period. Link to comment
turnera Posted January 13, 2012 Share Posted January 13, 2012 If you're still having sex, you are not over. Link to comment
Mamasita Posted March 20, 2012 Author Share Posted March 20, 2012 It's finally over and I feel good. It's been good to read this post to remind me how bad it was... will try for No contact now, it's been 3 days since I told him I never want to see him again. I hope he dosnt contact me - it's always hard to know how to react. Wanting to cut him out conflicts with being polite.... I feel like from now on I should just tell him to go to hell and stay away from me. But I hate being nasty! I'm not him. Link to comment
SarahRose Posted March 20, 2012 Share Posted March 20, 2012 I'm glad you are done. I hope you really are. What does your son think about all this? This guy horribly abused you; don't worry about being polite. Link to comment
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