turnera Posted March 20, 2012 Share Posted March 20, 2012 He is not your friend. Remember that. You don't have to be nice to people who are not your friend. Link to comment
Mamasita Posted March 20, 2012 Author Share Posted March 20, 2012 Thank you Sarah, I certainly am and I know without a doubt its the right thing to do. As each day passes I have been filtering some of the truth to friends/family - bits of information I withheld to prevent having to deal with their judgements of him and the anger that would result of being protective of me and indignant on my behalf. In my mind this is to help set up barriers to prevent us from having any ongoing contact with each other. This time I have not taken my son aside to tell him its over, I did that once before and it was heartbreaking (he cried), perhaps weakened my resolve last time as I felt if we were all hurting to be apart then we should be together. My son, his daughter - loved being a 'family', we adored each others children and that side of things was not an issue, she took it very badly also and against his wishes, kept in touch, by calling, messaging and we missed each other very much. but as good as he was to & with my son - if my son knew what he put me through and the truth, well - he certainly would not love him so much and no doubt if faced with the truth, would not want him in our lives (of course he is too young to know and no reason for him to be pitted against him). His daughter knew and felt guilty about it but it conflicted with her desire for us to be a family. Anyway I am just letting him dissappear from our lives and my son will get used to it and ask about him less and less. He likes being able to sleep with me sometimes now instead of in his room now that my bed is free Turnera, I try tell myself that. I will be firm and distant with him if/when he makes any contact with me in the future... as the saying goes, he paved paradise and put up a parking lot. I was too nice & patient with him and thats what got me so far into this mess, he certainly dosnt worry about being nice to me when he is upset - I need to remember that! Thanks guys I am also going overseas on holidays with my boy and one of my best friends in 10 days, we will be away for two weeks - its great timing to put some time, distance and much needed 'me time' in Link to comment
bulletproof Posted March 23, 2012 Share Posted March 23, 2012 His daughter knew and felt guilty about it but it conflicted with her desire for us to be a family. Anytime you even consider getting back with this guy, please think about this. The fact that any child had to witness what was going on between you two is so sad. She is probably pretty damaged. That could easily have been your son as well. Link to comment
starinva Posted March 23, 2012 Share Posted March 23, 2012 I'm sorry. I know this is hard and confusing. An abuser is always sorry after hun. They always feel bad after. Or tell you they do....... if they didn't, you wouldn't go back.... Right? If he kept going on about he was right and you deserved it....... you wouldn't go back! It's how the cycle continues. There are lots of groups that help women come to terms with what they need to do to brake this cycle. I don't have your city and state, but I'm sure you can google and find someone to talk to. If you come up empty handed, call your local church. Ask to speak to the pastor and request that he help you locate the local resources. At least then, you will have someone on your side, looking out for whats best for you. Realize you are worth more than allowing someone to treat you like this. Love yourself. Link to comment
SarahRose Posted March 23, 2012 Share Posted March 23, 2012 Anytime you even consider getting back with this guy, please think about this. The fact that any child had to witness what was going on between you two is so sad. She is probably pretty damaged. That could easily have been your son as well. Yes, that is what my point was of asking how the children felt about it as surely they were exposed to and witnessed the abuse. Link to comment
Mamasita Posted March 25, 2012 Author Share Posted March 25, 2012 bulletproof that is very true. I feel very sorry for her that she has such a bad role model for relationships, I'm sure it lowers her expectations of what to expect from a man and how she should be treated. I pointed out to him once in one of our (break up) conversations that he needed to set a better example for her by treating his next gf better, at first he agreed and then I think it hit him because again he got angry and very nasty - I just got out of the car and walked the rest of the way to my work. I really do feel for her because I have loved being a part of her world (she is 14) and enjoyed how close we were. However I have distanced myself since the incident with my foot as I didnt want it to be so painful this time to end the relationship. SarahRose - I think it has been very remiss of him as a father to never have sat down with her after this particular occurrence and apologised for his behaviour, explained to her that his actions were wrong and that he was going to do something about his anger issues (not that he even did because he never went to his anger management course that he signed up for). It is bad parenting and I think very poor form on his behalf to just try and brush it under the carpet. My son has been pretty sheltered from everything so he does not know about much, but no doubt I'm a better mum if I'm not feeling down or unhappy because of nasty arguments... there would be a mood difference for sure. starinva thank you for your advice, I think I'm doing OK and dont need anymore help or support, I just need the strength and self discipline to keep the bad in perspective and be strong. As time wears on the memory of how bad it could be fades into the background and this little bit of heart break or desire to see him or be in his arms etc filters through. The last time I saw him was a week ago, he came over saying he missed me and looked forward to seeing me but within 20 mins he was rude to my house mate and I asked him to leave and told him I never want to see him again... he can be such an obnoxious tool - yet I do miss him. I know if I feel this way he will be twice as bad so if/when he contacts me, I need to be strong - and THAT is the hardest part right now. I think - maybe I'll catch up with him just once before I leave on holiday... but I know I shouldnt. Sometimes my phone goes off - and I wish it was him... its pretty fkd. I am astounded even with myself that after everything that has happened - I still feel this way!! It's like a sickness - I had one week of resolve and determination to have nothing to do with him ever again - fuelled by anger and disgust with his foot-in-mouth syndrome, but now that the anger has lifted... the sorrow is eating at me. I take my hat off to people who have gotten through heart break, been successful with "No Contact" - it is really hard. Link to comment
turnera Posted March 26, 2012 Share Posted March 26, 2012 What you are describing is low self esteem. Which you can get help for. Women who respect themselves a lot would never stand for any of it; practice that. Link to comment
Mamasita Posted March 26, 2012 Author Share Posted March 26, 2012 Turnera I dont have a low self esteem, I'm just grieving over a relationship that didnt pan out the way I expected it to and disintegrated into something controlling, abusive and violent. I did not deserve that and I can do better, I know that and I have a strong sense of self - It's just a shame the man I loved turned out to be an a$$hole in the end. If I took all this behaviour from him lying down - he wouldnt be a mess himself. There are plenty of women who respect themselves that STILL find themselves confronted with confusing & crazy behaviour. I have never accepted this behaviour from him or thought it was OK. This forum has been all the help I need with advice, outside opinion, reinforcement and just being able to vent it all out and get it off my chest. This has been invaluable during a time in which I did not want to talk about my problems to anyone. Link to comment
chitown9 Posted March 26, 2012 Share Posted March 26, 2012 This forum has been all the help I need with advice, outside opinion, reinforcement and just being able to vent it all out and get it off my chest. This has been invaluable during a time in which I did not want to talk about my problems to anyone. So glad that we could help you. Please keep coming back to this forum, especially if up have a weak moment and even consider taking him back. I hope your foot heals properly. Link to comment
Mamasita Posted March 26, 2012 Author Share Posted March 26, 2012 Chi, thanks very much! means a lot to me - it's been so good to be able to get all this off my chest - and even months later come back and read about everything xx Link to comment
chitown9 Posted March 27, 2012 Share Posted March 27, 2012 Well, Mamasita, please keep coming back...you are part of our little community now!... Link to comment
Mamasita Posted July 3, 2012 Author Share Posted July 3, 2012 PHEW... REALLY NEEDED TO READ THIS. you guys seriously rock. The relationship ended and stayed over, we caught up a few times and slept together but then it seemed like it was making it harder to move on so we stopped. It brought up discussions of whether we should get back together and it was very difficult for me to be firm because deep down - I never stopped wondering if by some miracle we could make it work (I know we couldnt unless he got a lobotomy - we were just not on the same page, not to mention his anger management issues). So we agreed to be friends but not see each other... I started dating again. I have been enjoying myself being single and getting into my groove and living my own life without the endless dramas, tears and frustrations that we had. I've had no regrets or qualms about the reality that the relationship was never going to work etc. The guys that I've dated since then - absolutely lovely, kind hearted, the guy I'm seeing now is wonderful. STILL it stung when my ex mentioned he has a date tonight. I wished him well, said to enjoy himself... but it has knocked me sideways and I cant help but feeling hurt. It's unbelievable!!! how does this happen???!!!.. so I have turned to emails I saved for moments just like this - arguments, him being a complete d#ck to remind myself - that I dont want him back! that I deserve better! that who cares if he's going on a date! I know I could have him back if I wanted him - but he's an a$$hole and not to forget that. wow it really is THAT hard to get over someone - a constant process. and so easy to mistake feelings of nostalgia for thinking you still love them or want to be with them. I've never experienced this before, and I never want to go through it again... its so confusing and full of hurt! On one hand I think... that poor woman will be his new victim if they get together. she's going to suffer the way I suffered because he is such a hard and angry man, so insecure, controlling and unwilling to compromise. on the other hand this little bit of silly territorialness inside me that hurts to hear of him trying to move on... even though I'm seeing someone myself. we humans are very complex creatures, when it comes to the heart there is so little logic and pragmatism. Link to comment
chitown9 Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 Well, it sounds like you found yourself a nice guy! I am sure that you enjoy having a drama free relationship and more importantly, one that does not include you being emotionally and physically abused. Good for you that you suceeded in getting out of that dangerous situation. .....chi Link to comment
Mamasita Posted September 10, 2012 Author Share Posted September 10, 2012 OMG... how can it be so hard to get over someone that is just not right for me? I was cleaning some cupboards on the weekend and found a box full of letters that we all wrote each other ("all" being him to me, me to him, his daughter to me or my son and my son to him & her) saying how awesome we were and we loved each other and so on. the letters were really cute and oh man it knocked me sideways! So here I am, back here again reading this post to remind myself. because time goes on and the bitter memories fade (well they do for me, I'm not very good at grudges) and all I see is his smile and remember how nice it felt in his arms and wondering if he misses me too. I know I shouldnt, my god the heart is a treacherous little thing if I could rip it out and use it as a dart board - I would because I cant stand this emptiness. Anyway I stopped dating - just wasnt ready and it wasnt fair on the guy(s) as nice as they were, I was romanced with dinners, flowers, even offered trips overseas and I just couldnt feel anything but grateful that they were so sweet but I couldnt reciprocate any of the feelings. I'd just do my head in with thought's like "why wasnt he (ex) like this to me, why didnt he appreciate me like this and tell me these things that these guys do about how amazing I am, instead he'd tell me I was a horrible person blah blah" ... so I realise I'm still healing and it's not really fair to waste peoples time, not only that but it was making me even less happy because although the excitement/romance was fun and nice at first, as it got more serious I just fel sad that they were not him. So yeah! it's still tough... but I know I'm on the right track and just need time to mend now. I guess even abusive men can steal your heart away and hold onto it long after they deserved to have it, and I'm looking forward to the day I think less of him and can get on with life without being consumed by time wasting thoughts about what went wrong, if I gave up to soon, what I should have done differently to make it work and other ridiculous questions that occupy my mind! Link to comment
chitown9 Posted September 11, 2012 Share Posted September 11, 2012 Mamasita, I would like to recommend a book to you that I think will help you. It is entitled, "Tear Soup." It is an excellent book to help someone who is going through the grieving process, whether it be by death or divorce etc. I purchased the book on Amazon. Please get it... Link to comment
Mamasita Posted September 12, 2012 Author Share Posted September 12, 2012 Hi Chi, Thanks so much. OK I took your advice and I have bought the book, it looks very interesting! xxReese Link to comment
abitbroken Posted September 12, 2012 Share Posted September 12, 2012 I am glad that you realized this = But I want to strongly cautioned you. If a guy is offering an overseas trip after a couple dates, etc, he is moving way too fast to sweep you off your feet. A classic sign of an abuser is coming on very strong very early - being too good to be true with gifts, trips, sweet nothings. It is okay if you get flowers or to do something sweet, but if a guy goes over the top very early and often - you want to pay attention to this. You want a guy that sure might do something sweet but a boyfriend of a year might invite you on an overseas trip, not the guy who you dated two times, etc. I am glad you are taking time for you and reading and maybe even going to counseling so you don't end up with another abuser. Link to comment
Mamasita Posted September 12, 2012 Author Share Posted September 12, 2012 Hi abitbroken, yeah it was a bit much wasnt it? Definitely made me wonder all the over the top romancing - it's a fine line between enough and too much. I think I just wasnt into it, if it was the right timing/vibe Although I agree that there are certain signs we should keep an eye out for I think its more character based then specifics. The guy who wanted me to meet him overseas is someone who I had known for a little while, and made his move when he realised I was single and dated a few months before he offered. He is setting up a villa and wanted me to meet him over there while he did some work, add to that he is well off so not too hard for him to offer a 4 day jaunt etc. It was nice/exciting to be romanced and treated like a princess however I was completely honest with him and said I wasnt ready and we have stopped seeing each other, he definitely would never have hurt a fly and was not the jealous/insecure type. Maybe earlier during the year when this all happened and it was still fresh counselling would have helped but I'm over the issues we have and understand perfectly that my ex simply couldnt control his emotions or his anger and it wasnt me or my fault. I am now more acutely aware of signs that someone is volatile - even in the beginning he got so hurt and angry over trivial things and instead of dismissing these things I spent time and effort placating him genuinely thinking he just needed to understand. I realise now that an insecure/controlling person is merely searching for these things as an opportunity to exert themselves and have you jumping hoops. I couldnt possibly go through that again and I'm sure I will be discerning and careful enough to find someone happy within himself with happiness to share... but thats not important right now. it's TIME OUT and MAN BAN time Link to comment
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