Should I do non contact with pregnant ex

[teach]

Hi all,

 

Our relationship has always been stormy. We both like to be in control and both are probably insecure. She is a bit of a drama queen and i react badly to it and make her insecurities worse. However, our good times are great and we can and do get along a lot of the time. But recently our arguments have meant more and more over-reactions from both of us and more drama. It does desperately need calming down. Especially as she is 6 months pregnant. So she has now told me she doesn't want to be with me, doesn't want to talk to me anymore and she lists things i've done wrong that I regret during our relationship.

 

I really want to do the non contact, but i'm scared it will lead me to not being there at the birth, not being allowed to see my baby after he's born etc. I can tell she still has feelings for me, but she is hurting inside because i haven't done the right things. She is furious with me, and i stress her. She tells me all sorts of hurtful things including anything to make me upset, that she knows will hurt me.

 

Should i do the non-contact, or should i keep trying??

 

Thanks all

[charity]

so you are broken up? and you don't want to be with her anymore yes? ok then , no you do not go NC. that ship has sailed and you won't get to EVER do that now because you are about to be parents. instead what you get to do is make a firm decision about breaking up or staying together. discuss this decision and stay firm on it. discuss and decide what you both expect your roles to be in the future, how much involvement there will be, financial support etc.

[LDRohnos]

Personally I would sit down and write her a heart-felt letter. Like a real letter that you pop in a mailbox. She can read it when she wants to but as the father of that child you need to make her understand that you have a right to be a part of his/her life. If you want to add something about the relationship with her go ahead but the focus on the letter should be about the child/pregnancy not necessarily the relationship.

 

Your two lives are bound together at this point whether she likes it or not. You don't need to have any kind of relationship but she cannot simply dismiss you as if you do not exist anymore.

[donpeel83]

Yes, dont go down the NC route. This is a different style of break up in that a new life is about to ome into the world and you have to be there for that child, though your post indicates your fully aware ofthat. The two of you need to look at the dynamic and think about how you are going towork at this and what you want to do going forward. If the two of you are not meant to be together it is important that you try and retain some form of relationship for the sake ofthe child.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I agree with the others. NC is not the way to go when there are children involved or about to be involved. Rather than NC perhaps now is the time for both of you to sit down and talk and figure out why you push each other's buttons. Maybe a romantic relationship won't work out between the two of you, but if you two don't come to a meeting of the minds regarding control issues, drama issues and pushing each other's buttons, the parenting relationship won't work very well either and it will be the child who suffers for it.

[Tanzi]

There's no way you can go NC. You are having a child together and even though you aren't together asa couple, you will have to be united on some level as she will undoubtedly need some support during those final few weeks of pregnancy.

 

I'm not sure what you mean when you say "should I keep trying". If things aren't working out then you both need to take a step back from the relationship but you can still keep in touch. It's not going to be easy but with a baby on they way you have to try and put your differences aside and be supportive of each other. The last thing you want is to alienate yourself from your baby's life.

[TheVP]

Do not disappear. I'm sure you'll find easily enough what a guy who disappears on his pregnant woman is called. Boyfriend or not, she needs your support.

[Dezireey]

Uh...I read your post and actually thought for a second that you were my ex coming onto this forum talking about me! How crazy. I am nearly 6 months pregnant, my ex and I had a stormy relationship where on occasion, bad things were said to each other, we had good times too and the relationship was passionate. He didn't want the baby though and gave me an ultimatum two months ago (in a subtle way) it's either me or the baby, so of course I chose to keep my baby and the words that came out of my mouth to him because he left me, are not repeatable. He doesn't initiate contact with me at all but professes to be torn and upset by it all, go figure?. I have texted him lately and he responds. In a recent heated call, he told me he missed me but he has done nothing for me or the baby, he has basically abandoned us. I don't particularly see a future for us as his actions on occasion are so selfish and I respond in anger because sadly I still love him so much.

 

The pain she is probably going through right now is doubled. She is hormonal, scared about the future, wondering if she can and/or will cope on her own and on top of all the emotions about pregnancy, body changes and finance etc etc she probably has you on her mind. I am not a fool, I know that my ex is a huge part of my life now whether he is actually in my life or not because he is the father of my child, always will be. Please don't ignore her, it breaks my heart that my ex is in little contact with me despite how sometimes I hate my ex for what he has done, I still need him. My advice, as a pregnant woman, is to keep in contact regularly, definitely ask how both her and the baby are doing, don't mention the relationship or at least not until the dust has settled. Let her know you are around, that you care and that if she needs you she can contact you anytime. Don't put pressure on her or stress her as stress is not good for the baby and understand that a part of the reason she is behaving off the wall is partly hormonal. Oh and as far as the ex is concerned, just stay away. You have a baby to think of. I hope she comes to her senses and realises that even though you two don't see eye to eye or might not be a perfect match, at least the father of her baby wants to be a father. Unfortunately, I am not so lucky.

[teach]

Thanks for your reply. Do you really think she needs me there and wants me there. Everytime I try to text, or any of my friends/family talk to her she is so angry with me, she justs lists a load of things I have done that's upset her. She insists I don't go anywhere near her, she says it stresses the baby. So have you any ideas as to what I can do for her etc, when she won't even let me near her, let alone talk to her?????

 

By the way, I don't know what the father of your baby is like.....but I would say there could be one of 2 reasons he's walked away. The most likely he thinks his life will be over with a child on the way, or he is stressed and worried about being a father. He might even believe you have trapped him. I think ask him directly to buy you something for the baby, or ask directly to provide you with a lift to your appointments or something. Be direct and to the point. When you see him explain just because he has a child, doesn't mean his life is over. Explain he can still see his friends and go out, so long as he helps you to do the same. Put his fears to rest that he'll be trapped in anyway. Start small with the things you ask him to do. Then build it up.

[Tanzi]

You are still in pre-break up mode so whatever it is that lead to the break-up will undoubtedly still be hurtling around her brain. In time she may hopefully calm down and you will be able to talk. Perhaps she could do with a few days space and maybe it will be good idea if your family or friends don't text her for a while either. In fact do they need to be involved other than just to check up on how she is doing? The last thing you want is for her to feel hounded. That will just push her further away but, whatever, you can't give up on trying to call a truce. Whatever she is doing or saying just try to remain civil, hard though they may be at times.

 

Remember, though, this isn't all about what she wants. You have a responsibility to the baby and you also have rights to see your baby so, try as she might, she can't keep you out of the baby's life.

[Dezireey]

I think in time she will come to realise (unless she is an inordinately selfish individual) that it is in the baby's best interest to have a Daddy involved. I would just leave her alone for a little bit to calm down and then after a while, call or text every other week or two with just nice messages about the baby, don't allow yourself to enter into arguments or discussions. You need to show her that you are genuine about being a caring and supportive Dad. To be honest, it is also in your best interest to do this as if you are concerned about her not letting you see the baby in the future, if it ends up in court at a later stage, you need proof that you have tried to help her and contact her. A judge would look more favourably on that rather than e.g. my ex suddenly showing his face only after my baby is born wanting custody or something stupid like that.

 

Don't have your family contact her at all. Of course, if this were a normal break up I'd say leave well alone and never contact her again but you have a right as a father to contact her, so she is being unreasonable if, after you are being nothing but kind and nice, she still goes crazy on you. She needs to stop thinking about how much you have pissed her off in the relationship and start growing up and be unselfish and do what is best for her child. I am extremely pissed off with my ex to the point somedays where if he fell off a cliff I wouldn't care, so I really do understand how she feels if you have upset her badly. However, if my ex wanted to see his child or contact me about the baby at any stage, then I would put aside my angry feelings and let him see the baby/ know about the baby etc.

 

I think my ex just doesn't want the responsibility to be honest. He doesn't think I trapped him (at least I hope not) as I was told I couldn't have children, so it was a shock for both of us. He is going through a bad time with his health and his job and is utterly depressed about life anyway right now, he is not in a good place. I told him that this would probably give him happiness but he shook his head and said 'I want you but I just don't want kids'. I think he is in denial as well if I am honest. He won't come to any appointments, or at least when we broke up, that is what he said. Trouble is, I will have to ask him for support when the baby is born and I will let him know if its a boy or girl, name etc so he cannot hide away from the fact he is going to be a father forever. He used to be a good, kind person but after this I am not so sure anymore

[No1]

Has anyone suggested seeking couples counseling? Eventually you two have to see that its no longer about you or her, its about your child. No longer have to have it your way or her way, but what is best for your kid. Its a huge life changing event, and you two need one another. I would really try to contact her and calmly say that you would like to seek counseling because you 3 deserve it.

[Thorshammer]

She might have some craziness going due to the prgenancy. They say some women go nuts due to the changes of the body. It sort of hints at depression when I look at it. Maybe she is having a crisis as she looks at her situation and takes it all in. I always suspected my ex had depression since she showed signs, and her family has it, and she would always has this list for me of what I kept doing wrong.

 

I wouldnt go NC, i wouldnt care about pride, i would keep contacting here and there. I would just learn to duck and develop thick skin fast. Unless she says you are stressing her out from contact, i would announce NC for a brief time to her only because she requested it, but that you still care and blah, blah, etc.

[teach]

Has anyone suggested seeking couples counseling? Eventually you two have to see that its no longer about you or her, its about your child. No longer have to have it your way or her way, but what is best for your kid. Its a huge life changing event, and you two need one another. I would really try to contact her and calmly say that you would like to seek counseling because you 3 deserve it.

 

yes, I suggested it ages ago. She refused to go!!! I went on my own, thinking she would follow and she refused. I went mad at her, because I couldn'ty understand why she would not want to try. I was paying, it was for 1 hour a week. I even said she could go in on her own, or with me, or not even say a word. She refused!!! She said we could sort our own problems out.....but guess what, we haven't!!!!

[No1]

Teach: dont give up on this okay. I know its hard, she is going thru a big ordeal and its life changing. So just dont throw up the arms if she says no to counseling again. However, you cant get mad, you cant show emotion because it will only elevate it. She seems like the type of person that she needs to feed off of drama to feel something. So I know it might be hard, but dont show the anger emotion with her, she might feed off of it, then feel its justified to show you anger back.

Suggest it again, or suggest to wait until after the baby is born. Just tell her that you feel its important to you. And let her think about it.. At least you can say you gave it your best shot to work thru this.

[FutureRewind]

OP. I'll tell you my situation since its very very similar to yours. I'm not saying this is how it will pan out for you and take from it what you want.

 

My ex became pregnant while our relationship was on the rocks. I did what I feel was my best to work things out between us but when someone will not acknowledge your feelings, communicate and try and resolve problems sometimes no matter what the situation you have to walk away. This was pretty much the same dynamic in our relationship. Last Dec when she was 4 months gone I asked if she cared at all about my feelings, had any empathy or compassion for how I felt and her answer was a straight no. That was it for me in a relationship sense. I didnt want it to be. Like the mother of your child my ex feeds off drama and the subsequent verbal abuse had me reacting. The stress your mention is the reason I had to walk away from us. It just wasnt healthy.

 

I never abandoned my ex. I went to all hospital appointments, we exchanged valentines gifts, birthday presents, had days out and slept together a number of times throughout the pregnancy. It was clear we both wanted to be together and were holding on but with only one person willing to do the work the same problems came up again again and would continue to do so. This is where I most likely went wrong.. I should have kept it strictly business about the child. I just hoped for change and loved my ex and it seemed the right way to be at the time. Everyone kept talking about hormones. What was I to do..walk away completely or do my best to keep things calm and find a happy medium. It was an emotional minefield. I felt awful on a daily basis, like I should just put up with it because she was pregnant but I knew that wasnt the right thing to do. The stress was just too much for all three of us. I tried a half way house and made my reasons clear. I never lied or pretended it was all going to be ok and was emotionally and verbally abused as a result. Obviously this just heightened her insecurities. For instance..after taking her out for a day I said I may see her the next evening. I had a 10.5 hour shift at work the next day and was shattered when I got home. I called to say I just wanted to go to bed since I was working again the day after. I didnt get a response for 4 days and my punishment was not being allowed to go to prenatal classes and the birth. I eventually was allowed at the birth but you get the drift. Its difficult to have boundaries when your child is involved.

 

I just wanted us to have more space so we could relax around each other but my ex kept pushing an pushing and as in the relationship she made me responsible for her happiness. She still says she gave everything to be with me, but I knew that was wrong. It was wrong in that sense from day 1. Of course I am vilified to one and all as a person who gave nothing v her giving everything. That statement alone is enough to give you an idea of what happened between us and how unhealthy things turned out. Maybe I should have just told her what she wanted to hear but that would be inauthentic on my part. I stayed honest and true to myself. I hoped once the child was born and we had him established my ex may want to look at things between us in a more open and mature manner. How wrong I was.

 

After my son was born I did as much as I was allowed but my role was being devalued day by day. I felt undermined from day 1 like this was her child only. I felt like a sperm donor. I arrived at her house with presents that were snubbed, suggestions were met with ignorance, sniping remarks, i wasnt allowed to take my child for a walk and I was criticised and blamed for anything and everything. It was heartbreaking. She wanted the instant gratification of the secure family relationship but I wasnt willing until we had at least started communicating. She wanted to me to stay over and at the same time she wanted more time with the baby on her own. I didnt know which foot to put first. In the end I was damned if I did or didnt. This led to a few major disagreements. Things got worse until she started using the child against me, contact was stopped, accusations were made and I had to throw in the towel an take her to court. I love her and want to be with her but not like this.

 

Just be aware that no matter how much you try to do the right thing if the other person has issues they will not face, it will be a battle.