How to handle this situation at my fiancee's work?

[burrito]

Not sure if this is the right place to put this but here goes.

So a lot of the guys at my fiancees work hit on her, im fine with that i cant do anything about that anyway. But usually its just stupid guy stuff. But a few days ago one of the guys tried to get her to show him her breasts and send him naked pictures of herself to him. And he knows im her fiance because i visit her at work sometimes. And started saying stuff like "Oh how do you know he's faithful to you while your not there" and what he doesnt know wont hurt him kind of stuff. So i want to confront him about this but dont know if thats the best choice. I'm not going to beat the guy up over hitting on my girlfriend, but i feel if i dont say something now its going to get out of control. So is there a good way of talking to this guy without having to use the old "kick your ass if you dont stop talking to my girl" line?

[BrianH46]

Tell him what he's doing is completely childish, disrespectful, and all in all just scummy. But you shouldn't have to be the one that tells him all this, your fiance should.

[DN]

I agree with BrianH46 - why has she tolerated this behaviour? Has she told him it's highly inappropriate and if he doesn't stop she will bring harassment charges?

[burrito]

she's one of those people that likes to avoid confrontation, so having to deal with his inappropriate comments is easier that confronting him and telling him to stop...

[trustno1]

My friend ....I understand your situation completely, been there. Honestly I know your upset or frustrated with this dude..he is a loser and he is not a real man, a real man that know that his co worker has a serious realtionship will back you up if someone is hitting on your lady even if he doesn't know you.....This is something that you need to talk to your lady about...I don't want to scare you but I need to be realistic with you because I wouldn't want you to do anything stupid.... first ask yourself:

 

1. Why does my lady entertain this kind of conversation from a co worker ????

2. What has she done about this situation?????

3. Is she really serious about respecting you???

 

Notice everything is directed to her, not the dude....he is irrelevant because I had to learn that a man who is after a woman doesn't care about anything or anyone....so you have to tune him out of your brain and focus on digging into her brain....it seems like your lady like male attention....that may be the issue......

[Mephisto13]

I'd go to your fiancee's work and confront the guy, as you had your arm around your lady's shoulders. Something along the lines of "I hear you've been trying to get into my girl's pants? Heh. The thing is, she doesn't date boys like you. That's why she's with me. Have fun masturbating tonight!" and kiss her before you leave the sorry sack of crap. (ok, maybe that was confrontational a bit...)

 

No threats of violence, no anger, nothing. Be totally zen, and never bite at his words (no matter how angry it makes you). And if he insults your fiancee, (bah, she's just a * * * * * anyway), just turn around and look at him for a second, and say "Wow...you're a real catch" and leave. It's better if there are others around to see him get humiliated. Plus, if he's been doing this secretly, now the others will know about this * * * * * bag. And let him spew his "you're not a man, you're a X" to your back, as you walk off.

 

Stay aloof, zen.

 

This will show him that you know about his antics, and that you aren't worried. It'll piss him off more than anything.

[Dusk1983]

"I hear you've been trying to get into my girl's pants? Heh. The thing is, she doesn't date boys like you. That's why she's with me. Have fun masturbating tonight!" and kiss her before you leave the sorry sack of crap. (ok, maybe that was confrontational a bit...)

 

This isn't a movie. In real life, a man must handle this kind of situation by going to kick the * * * * out of the guy, who's showing gross disrespect to both the girl and himself.

 

Let me say I'm not a violent person and never been in a fight in my life, but I know for a fact that the only solution that satisfies all parties is this one. Most importantly of all, he must prove himself as a strong and protective man to the lady. If he does that, he has her for good. It might sound wrong, it might sound caveman, but this is the way of things, whether we like it or not.

[HeartGoesOn]

But a few days ago one of the guys tried to get her to show him her breasts and send him naked pictures of herself to him. And he knows im her fiance because i visit her at work sometimes. And started saying stuff like "Oh how do you know he's faithful to you while your not there" and what he doesnt know wont hurt him kind of stuff.

 

I'd be curious to know what the conversation was about before this question was asked. I doubt that he would pose such a question without some encouragement on her end, otherwise why would he take such a risk? I'm not saying that he's in the right by any means, but it's her job to put him in his place, and clearly show him that this is not acceptable.

 

If she's unable to come to this conclusion on her own, I think you may have some serious issues that need to be addressed.

[DN]

Don't get violent with this guy - you will end up in jail or with a fine and a criminal record. And if things go badly wrong you could be in jail on a murder or manslaughter conviction. It is just plain silly to do anything like that. And, as my signature says, beware of people who play 'let's you and him fight."

 

Tell your girlfriend that you expect her to get the courage to deal with it or she may find she has lost more than your respect.

[johnnyp]

Yeah, it all sounds a bit fishy to me too. Few guys would say that kind of OTT thing to a woman that they're getting zero encouragement from. Other than total whack-jobs, but since he's employed he's obviously somewhat socially capable. If it was harmless flirting I'd say that it was to be expected (boys will be boys etc), but since he's asking her to send sexy photos etc, it sounds like she could be closer to this guy than she should be. She needs to either put her foot down with him or take it to HR...for her own sake and to show respect for you! it's her job so it's her responsibility to handle this. If that fails (and by 'fail' I mean she tries both and he keeps hassling her...not that she refuses to do either to avoid conflict) only then should you give him a 'talk' next time you're at her work place. Nothing threatening...just a nice 'lay off...now!' kind of chat!

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I'd be curious to know what the conversation was about before this question was asked. I doubt that he would pose such a question without some encouragement on her end, otherwise why would he take such a risk? I'm not saying that he's in the right by any means, but it's her job to put him in his place, and clearly show him that this is not acceptable.

 

If she's unable to come to this conclusion on her own, I think you may have some serious issues that need to be addressed.

 

I completely agree. This is not standard workplace behaviour and people who behave like that just out of the blue tend to end up called on the carpet for harassment. I suspect it is not that she is afraid of conflict, it is that she has encouraged this type of talk. I don't think your fiancee is being completely honest with you about her role in this inappropriate behaviour.

[Fudgie]

You shouldn't have to go and "kick a guy's ass" to make him stop hitting on your girlfriend. That's ridiculous. Your girlfriend is partly to blame here because she's not putting her foot down and standing up for herself. She has a responsibility to stay "Hey, asshat, you're being inappropriate. If you don't stop, I'll take you to HR."

 

You can't be there everytime some jerk comes onto her. She needs to put on the big girl panties and stop the behaviour at the start. She's either lacking a backbone in that she doesn't like confrontation or she may secretly LIKE the attention.

 

I say this because I've known girls who get hit on by guys ALL The time, and yet still talk to them, text them, etc. They make no effort to make them stop because deep down, they like the attention. Trust me, if a girl doesn't want that sort of attention from a guy, 9 times out of 10, she's going to do something about it because it offends her and she is creeped out.

 

Don't get involved with this guy, talk to your girlfriend. She needs to know that while she has no control over a guy hitting on her, she is responsible for her response and it's inappropriate of her to basically DO NOTHING and let it continue.

[sadchick83]

burrito, I would suggest you calm down about this whole issue. Sometimes situations are just tricky. I have a lot of male clients who are married and who hit one me. I have to be nice to them because they are clients and I actually like them, but just as friends. It's true, some women don't want to rock the boat, and just say "yea right, whatever." Obviously if she shared this information with you, you have nothing to worry about.

 

I would not go to her place of work to settle this, you will look foolish and this guy is just trying to get your goat. If anything, pick her up from work and say "I'm the luckiest guy in the world," in front of his face.

 

As woman, sometimes it is just better to let these things go....And you should do the same.

[bookworm9870]

it seems like she needs to do the confronting. being a woman, i know that some women enjoy the attention and enjoy their significant others being jealous to a degree. now, violence of course isnt the answer, but a stern talk about backing off is necessary. if after you talk to him and she talks to him and it persists, look again at everyone involved in the situation

[burrito]

Thanks for the replies guys. Like i said, i dont want to have to resort to violence, and i dont want to look like an ass confronting him. So im going to say something in the calmest way i can when i see her at work again. But i do believe that SHE needs to deal with this. And i do agree with you, and its hard to realize this, but she does love the attention she gets from the guys.. A little bit of info about her, shes a bit over weight and extremely insecure. And she acts very differently when shes with me and my guy friends than when its just us, its borderline flirty with all the guys she hangs out with, which is hard to understand with her being so insecure. I've mentioned this to her before and her reply was "im just a naturally flirty person". So it seems like we have more issues to deal with besides the guy at work..

[Batya33]

If that is her mindset and how she chooses to behave then it's irrelevant whether you talk to anyone at her work- she'll keep seeking out the attention. Can you stomach that long term? Are you planning a big wedding reception where all her flirtmates will be in attendance?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

its borderline flirty with all the guys she hangs out with, which is hard to understand with her being so insecure.

 

It is not hard to understand at all. Women who have to act flirty to all the men generally are indeed insecure and this is how they boost their self esteem because it gets them attention. To them, vulgar attention is better than no attention..kind of like a child or a dog who acts up just so that people will notice them, even if it is only to be reprimanded.

[DN]

Like i said, i dont want to have to resort to violence, and i dont want to look like an ass confronting him. So im going to say something in the calmest way i can when i see her at work again. But i do believe that SHE needs to deal with this.

I think you should think through this and do this instead

 

"Like i said, i won't resort to violence, and i wont look like an ass confronting him. So im going to say nothing to him since i do believe that SHE needs to deal with this."

[pl3asehelp]

Bingo. Don't buy the LAME EXCUSE from your fiance that the fact that she doesn't like confrontation is preventing her from doing anything about this. I'll take your word for it that she doesn't like confrontation, but in this case she HAS to do something about this. I don't buy that she isn't doing anything about it due to her aversion to confrontation. Like the above post says, I think she likes the attention and it's way, way disrespectful to you.

[pl3asehelp]

burrito, I would suggest you calm down about this whole issue. Sometimes situations are just tricky. I have a lot of male clients who are married and who hit one me. I have to be nice to them because they are clients and I actually like them, but just as friends. It's true, some women don't want to rock the boat, and just say "yea right, whatever." Obviously if she shared this information with you, you have nothing to worry about.

 

I would not go to her place of work to settle this, you will look foolish and this guy is just trying to get your goat. If anything, pick her up from work and say "I'm the luckiest guy in the world," in front of his face.

 

As woman, sometimes it is just better to let these things go....And you should do the same.

 

He's the luckiest guy in the world that his fiance flirts with random dudes and doesn't stop men from hitting on her? Yeah right. I call that abuse.

[Awoken]

I would first have a serious conversation with your partner about these comments being made. You have said she doesn't like conflict, but this is very disrespectful not only to her BUT also to your relationship with each other. Once you have had this open and honest converstation you may then be able to make a more 'informed' decision on what you should do from here. To be honest it could actually lead to you breaking up with her. Just make sure you have the conversation first

[abitbroken]

Guys at work sending nude photos to her during business hours or with company resources is sexual harassment. Even if it wasn't work hours, it would be the same thing. Also, encouraging her to flash them at work is the same thing. It is not a matter of trying to figure out if your fiancee is causing this by complimenting them or being nice to them. I would encourage her to block their numbers if she doesn't need to contact them about work and I would at last resort, go to her supervisor - i mean, her, not you. But if she doesn't care, she doesn't care. I think that she should tell them that she won't tolerate it anymore - that's the first step. if they are doing this because they think she likes them - its tacky. It could be a he ssaid/she said if she is trying to behave as one of the guys and asking for them to flash also. But if she truly is not verbally asking for this, thats what i would do.

[Snny]

I am very, very surprised at some of the "advice" given here about the OP confronting the co-worker. It should never, ever go there and it can cause this man to continue his behavior in a passive, aggressive way. The OP would be stooping to his level. As DN noted, it can bring forth jail time. This guy may WANT to cause the OP to physically confront him so he can be landed in jail... so IT becomes a manipulation game for this man's enjoyment. Or it COULD be the fiancee behind it for the thrill of attention/she testing you.

 

Here's an example:

I'd go to your fiancee's work and confront the guy, as you had your arm around your lady's shoulders. Something along the lines of "I hear you've been trying to get into my girl's pants? Heh. The thing is, she doesn't date boys like you. That's why she's with me. Have fun masturbating tonight!" and kiss her before you leave the sorry sack of crap. (ok, maybe that was confrontational a bit...)

Here's how some men will interpret this information: "It is a challenge and I accept it. You have something of value and I want to take it." You start to objectify the woman before this pervert and it's game on. What if the flirty guy wants to take that challenge further and is capable of beating you to the ground? It's seriously confrontational and it can lead to worse consequences later on. Is it really worth the drama in your life? Grow the hell up... this ain't high school and start acting like an adult.

 

Your fiancee HAS to handle this on her own and take it up to management since this is sexual harassment. She needs to harden the F up and report all of this to management- all these reports are to be made confidential and if the guy retaliates.. he violates the law and gets his ass fired and it becomes a lawsuit. This man is intentionally causing a hostile work environment and will take pleasure dragging the OP into it.

[Blue Spiral]

Physical confrontation should always be the last resort--as others have said, it can lead to jail time/lawsuits, so any number of things can go wrong. This is especially true in America, as we're a highly-armed population.

[Fudgie]

Forget this guy. He is not the issue. If it's not him, guess what, it will be another guy. The issue here is your girlfriend. Batya is right. It doesn't matter about the guy because she's just gonna seek another out.

 

She clearly wants the attention and flirts with the guys back. Why are you getting mad at this guy again? She's egging him on. She is the one who doesn't want to do anything about this.

 

Her being overweight is no excuse. I'm overweight and don't seek out guys to flirt with to bolster myself up. She's being an insecure immature little girl and that's WHY she flirts.

 

I've known girls like this and trust me, they don't stop. They love the attention and the drama. They'll be talking and texting to flirty guys all day long just to get your goat and to make themselves feel hot. This is just who she is. Are you willing to put up with that? I wouldn't.