How to get out of this affair?

[giubilante]

There is no 'easy way' to tell them. You're going to have to simply sit them down and tell them, point blank and to their faces. Before you tell Doug, you should make sure that you have a place to go/stay for a few days if that should become necessary. But... yeah. There is nothing simple or nice about it. A "[name], I have something important I need to talk about with you" is as good a way as any to bring it up.

[Elaine Marley]

That was until I met this wonderful guy at work, Brad. He and I had so much in common and got along extremely well. We would spend hours talking and making each other laugh. Because of my overwhelming attraction to him, I never mentioned I was in a relationship with someone.

 

Why didn't you mention you were in a relationship to Brad? You knew you were attracted to Brad, but rather than protect what you have with Doug and keeping your distance from the new man, you pretended to be available and pretty much acted completely single. Why is that? What's going on in your relationship with Doug? Are you sure that you even want to be with him? Are you really still thinking marriage?

[brokenheart911]

Not at all. I feel no sense of entitlement or that I have a right to "choose" between them, and I am not expecting them both to still want to be with me. I simply want to come clean and make amends in the best way possible and am looking for advice on how to do so.

 

I just read your story and your reply to my thread and I have a few thoughts I would like to share with you. When one comes to a forum such as this one looking for advice, we read everyone’s comments and insights and should view them as constructive criticism. I've learned over the last little while that although some of these comments were not very nice and I was judged, sometimes we need to hear the truth about ourselves as others portray us. After all we did invite them into our lives by sharing our troubles. We are judged by what we tell them (many on this site have been cheated on or have cheated) so they remember their hurt when they read similar stories and others only have a black and white answer. Some of these members are also repairing their relationships and they will reply according to their feelings and wisdom.

 

I have decided to leave my husband and cut my ties with the other guy. Although there are alot of emotions for my husband right now, I am more at peace with myself. I hurt because I've hurt him but I am going to work on myself and figure out why I did juggle the two men. The answer is not so much that I was selfish (although I was) the answer I will find when I've spent a lot of time alone to look inside myself and love who I am.

 

The best advice I can give you is to own up to both men, deal with whatever comes your way (yes it will be very very difficult) and learn from your actions. Take time for yourself and figure out what you really want and what was missing that caused you to go astray. I fear that if you don't do this now history may repeat itself. I would hate to know that you would be in turmoil when married with children like me. Clear your conscience; you will be a better person, if not for anyone else but for yourself. As far as making amends......unfortunately that won't be upto you. The men will be the ones to decide.

 

I am not judging you just speaking from experience. I wish you all the best.

[turnera]

And after you tell them both, don't forget to go to therapy and figure out WHY you slinked into a clandestine relationship. If you don't figure it out in therapy, you will just keep on repeating it and leave a swath of victims in your wake.

[lavenderdove]

OK, I'm going to take a slightly different tack here... You have to be very careful when it comes to mixing romance and work, because if you tell this guy at work you are cheating and living with someone else, he might blab it all over the office as revenge, and could ultimately color how everyone looks at you and even lead to losing your job if this guy has sufficient influence.

 

So i think you need to be cautious about 'telling all' to the office guy if you can't afford to lose your job and livelihood, especially if your BF finds out and also decides to throw you out of your house.

 

So my suggestion would be to first decide whether you want to try to save your relationship with your BF. If you do, you will need to be honest with him and tell him you cheated and see if he wants to try to repair the damage or break up with you. He will have to make that decision.

 

In the meantime, i would break it off with the office guy and tell him that you think you have unwisely jumped into an office romance that is distracting for everyone at work (if they know and comment on it) and it isn't good for either of you or your careers considering the work situation, so you want to ramp back to just friends (if he'll allow that) or just break it off and not stay friends but just focus on work if that is the way he wants it.

 

He doesn't need to know all the gory details, but you do need to break it off with him if you value your job and can't afford to lose it.

[pl3asehelp]

This isn't a life or death situation. She is encouraged to choose ASAP as continuing this will result in no self-respect and therefore lower self-esteem. How is telling them going to help the situation? Because it clears her conscience? If so, how does that benefit her? It doesn't. It's not selfish, it's factual. She is encouraged to make a decision quickly then make peace with herself.

 

Thing is dude, this isn't all about her. That kind of thinking is how she got into this mess in the first place. She already has low self-respect and low self-esteem, which I think would actually be lowered even more by continuing to lie. You think she would respect herself more by continuing to lie to someone? If she could 'make peace with herself' after choosing once again to lie, she's definitely a narcissist.

 

How it would help the situation is by letting these 2 men know what the reality of their situations are so they can decide if they want to continue with this girl or not. That certainly could hurt her situation, but that damage has already been done. Continuing a lie for self preservation is just well, selfish.

[ladyjane83]

Your thread really struck a chord with me because I came on here in a mess because I was the 'Brad'. I met a guy a year and a half ago, who like you acted single (he persued me) and I had a relationship with him fell in love and 2 months ago found out he had a long term girlfriend. The thing that hurt me the most and why I sympathise with Brad is that I (and Brad) havent had a choice about being the 'other woman/man'. You (and my ex to me) have put Brad in a position he wasnt willing to be in and will end up with inevitable hurt. What makes me angry about my ex is that all of my heart break could have been avoided...he didnt NEED me, like you didnt need Brad. and yes, its selfish and not fair. What has become clear from people opinions on here and my friends is that whatever my ex says he cant have been perfectly happy with his gf...and so the same goes for you. There is a reason my ex wanted to appear available to me, and there is a reason why you wanted to appear available to Brad. At least do the right thing now and come clean. My ex was probably going to let it go on an on if he hadnt have been caught.

[chai714]

Thing is dude, this isn't all about her. That kind of thinking is how she got into this mess in the first place. She already has low self-respect and low self-esteem, which I think would actually be lowered even more by continuing to lie. You think she would respect herself more by continuing to lie to someone? If she could 'make peace with herself' after choosing once again to lie, she's definitely a narcissist.

 

How it would help the situation is by letting these 2 men know what the reality of their situations are so they can decide if they want to continue with this girl or not. That certainly could hurt her situation, but that damage has already been done. Continuing a lie for self preservation is just well, selfish.

 

What many people in this thread don't realize is that we make decisions every day without knowing all the facts. Some of us might be upset if we knew every single detail and factual information. It might have even made some of us change our minds. The bottom line though is that you guys are adamant about her confessing to the 2 guys as if it's going to help the situation. How is them knowing going to help? Because it seems fair? Because it's the right thing to do?

 

I disagree with her behavior. I agree with most everyone that it's the wrong decision to be in this love triangle, where only 1 point of the triangle knows its shape. However, the question is whats the best way to end this and not repeat the process? Most people want there to be a negative consequence. Newsflash - there already has been - she is ruining her self-respect and self-esteem. If she can end this and learn from herself and ultimately make peace, why do you guys want to see 3 people hurt?

[landsharks33]

Just come clean, sort out your feelings and make a decision who you want to be with. With the honest information in hand then they can also make an informed decision. Good luck, it's not easy. I've been on the other side and it was the hardest thing ever, but honesty was worth it.

[Day_Walker]

The bottom line is that you have to make a decision as to who you want to be with. Then you just have to let the other person go. Disclosure of the situation helps no one and will not help the situation.

[abitbroken]

I would break things off with Brad. I know some would say break it off with Doug, but you moved to a new city with Doug. He was first. ANd if you had an affair because you got scared or whatever doesn't matter. If you had sex with Brad, then you owe it to Doug to tell him also. Then you need to go to Doug and admit what happened. It is up to Doug if he chooses to continue the relationship with you, to take a break to think, or to break up.

 

I suggest counseling and trying to figure out why the heck you got into this mess.

 

also, you might have to be prepared to change your job to save your relationship or to heal from a breakup.

[abitbroken]

The bottom line is that you have to make a decision as to who you want to be with. Then you just have to let the other person go. Disclosure of the situation helps no one and will not help the situation.

 

Day_walker, she does owe it to tell both guys because if she slept with both of them, they have the right to know because of the possibility of STDs, etc.

[BrianH46]

How it benefits her is that she will choose to do something hard. To tell them both and most likely lose them both will benefit her in providing an experience in which she can become a stronger person. If she chooses to pick one guy and tell only the other, she's still the same person that cheated in the first place. So in the end her choices are: 1) Continue to lie and have two relationships amount to nothing but exactly that: a lie. 2) Tell one guy what's going on and continue to have one relationship based on a lie. 3) Come clean to both, lose them both, hurt like hell, grow and have a chance at an honest relationship somewhere down the road.

 

Although morals are becoming something of a disposable commodity nowadays and most of the time they tend to hinder the things we want. I'd still like to believe that we as a human beings strive to become something better than just fulfilling desires and needs. Least that's how I'd like to raise my kid to be.

[Day_Walker]

Day_walker, she does owe it to tell both guys because if she slept with both of them, they have the right to know because of the possibility of STDs, etc.

 

Disclosure shouldnt be mandated simply because of the possibility of something, she can get a STI test performed then if she tests positive then she can disclose.

 

I have to disagree that morals are decaying, generalize statements like this are always said but that seems to be perception as opposed to actual facts. The truth is that she wants to salvage a relationship out of this situation, that is hindered by telling both parties. In other words that is why disclosure isnt suggested.

[pl3asehelp]

The bottom line is that you have to make a decision as to who you want to be with. Then you just have to let the other person go. Disclosure of the situation helps no one and will not help the situation.

 

Lets say she picks guy A. She tells guy B the truth, but not guy A. Well guy A is hurt by this because he doesn't know he's dating a cheater. Maybe they date for a few months and then she cheats on him. Well, if he had known she was a cheater all along, he could have just broken up with her and avoided wasting precious months of his life on a dead end relationship.

 

Disclosure helps the situation and guy A by giving him the opportunity to make important life and love decisions that are based on facts, not some fantasy world spun up by a liar to manipulate his actions.

[pl3asehelp]

Disclosure shouldnt be mandated simply because of the possibility of something, she can get a STI test performed then if she tests positive then she can disclose.

 

I have to disagree that morals are decaying, generalize statements like this are always said but that seems to be perception as opposed to actual facts. The truth is that she wants to salvage a relationship out of this situation, that is hindered by telling both parties. In other words that is why disclosure isnt suggested.

 

Disclosure should be mandated because it's wrong to lie. You don't get to pick and choose when it's ok to lie to further your own interests.

 

I understand she wants to salvage a relationship, but I don't think she has any right to expect that nor does she deserve it, nor is it morally acceptable to continue to lie to either of these men. If lying is the only way to salvage a relationship, it's just blatantly obvious that there's something wrong.

[chai714]

Lets say she picks guy A. She tells guy B the truth, but not guy A. Well guy A is hurt by this because he doesn't know he's dating a cheater. Maybe they date for a few months and then she cheats on him. Well, if he had known she was a cheater all along, he could have just broken up with her and avoided wasting precious months of his life on a dead end relationship.

 

Disclosure helps the situation and guy A by giving him the opportunity to make important life and love decisions that are based on facts, not some fantasy world spun up by a liar to manipulate his actions.

 

Now you're labeling her as a lifelong cheater as if she's some sort of monster. It is a fact that people can learn from their actions and choose to change. She originally came to this forum to ask for advice to help her through this situation. We all have different ideas of what she should do. What-if scenarios aka hypotheticals don't and rarely apply compared to real-life scenarios such as this one. Take away the idealistic views and you're left with real situations and real decisions that impact people.

[camus154]

Take away the idealistic views and you're left with real situations and real decisions that impact people.

 

And if you don't disclose what happened, you're robbing someone from being able to make a real decision about a real situation, aren't you?

[chai714]

And if you don't disclose what happened, you're robbing someone from being able to make a real decision about a real situation, aren't you?

 

This was in reference to the hypotheticals. No, not disclosing in this case isn't robbing anyone. What did you take from them? Robbing implies taking something. Nothing was taken. The goal of this situation is for her to make a decision, move forward, and make peace with herself.

[camus154]

This was in reference to the hypotheticals. No, not disclosing in this case isn't robbing anyone. What did you take from them? Robbing implies taking something. Nothing was taken. The goal of this situation is for her to make a decision, move forward, and make peace with herself.

 

If she picks a guy and doesn't disclose the info about the other guy, then she has robbed the guy she picked of his decision to stay or go, in light of what happened. Cheaters are cheats not just because they cheated ON someone, but because they're trying to cheat their way into having 2 different outcomes.

[Day_Walker]

Failing to disclose and lying are two different things. She gets to make the choice because she is the one controlling the outcome of this situation.

[DylanNotorious]

The bottom line is that you have to make a decision as to who you want to be with. Then you just have to let the other person go. Disclosure of the situation helps no one and will not help the situation.

 

No of course it wouldn't help the situation to tell the truth. But she morally should. How would you like it if someone did this to you? Would you not want to know about it?

[camus154]

Failing to disclose and lying are two different things. She gets to make the choice because she is the one controlling the outcome of this situation.

 

That's the whole point, though. If whatever guy she chose knew about the other guy, you better believe the outcome would be different. That's exactly why it's wrong not to disclose--she would be robbing him of making a well-informed decision, of controlling his OWN outcome.

 

It's all well and good to chalk all this up to an ideal or a lofty moral principle that has little use in the practical world.....but I don't believe for a moment that you or anyone else would actually choose NOT to know whether a girlfriend had cheated on him. You'd probably want to know the sooner the better, so you don't waste any more time on her.

[chai714]

Camus, you don't for a fact know if a girlfriend has ever cheated on you. You don't. You can't sit here and say that you do. Same with me - I don't know, for a fact if any of my girlfriends have ever cheated on me. That's a fact. Again, labeling someone as a "cheater" instead of recognizing that we all make mistakes and we can improve upon them is an attempt to attack who she is. Part of the reason of her original post was an effort by her to reach out and get advice; to perhaps improve herself and make her situation right. Yes, we can stone her and call her names and refer to her as a cheater but is that really productive?

[camus154]

Camus, you don't for a fact know if a girlfriend has ever cheated on you. You don't. You can't sit here and say that you do.

 

Sure I can. I caught him hiding out in the shower, after all

 

Part of the reason of her original post was an effort by her to reach out and get advice; to perhaps improve herself and make her situation right. Yes, we can stone her and call her names and refer to her as a cheater but is that really productive?

 

And that's what my advice is--disclose and come clean. You can advocate that without throwing her under a bus for making a mistake.