GreenGirl Posted November 8, 2011 Share Posted November 8, 2011 Doug and I have been dating for three years and recently moved to a new town together. Everything seemed to be going well; we both got good jobs, talked about marriage, and made friends quickly--though he made more friends than I did. In fact, I felt pretty lonely at times having only my boyfriend to confide in. That was until I met this wonderful guy at work, Brad. He and I had so much in common and got along extremely well. We would spend hours talking and making each other laugh. Because of my overwhelming attraction to him, I never mentioned I was in a relationship with someone. This friendship with Brad soon turned into a physical relationship, and now one that nearly everyone at work knows about. More than that, though, is the fact that Brad is not only one of my best friends but a truly wonderful guy who would like to be in a serious relationship with me. I want so badly to tell him that I'm with someone else, but I would hate to ruin our friendship and what we have together. I know I have to end it, though, before Doug finds out. I feel awful what I'm doing to both of them and can't imagine what would happen if they both found out. I feel that I have two great guys in my life and I'm being a horrible person for stringing them both along. My few girlfriends who know about it tell me I'm being selfish. I know I am, and I want to stop. I need to figure out a way to fix what has already been done. Has anyone been a situation like this before? Any advice would be greatly appreciated! (Advice only, please. No need to tell me what I bad person I am. Believe me, whatever bad things you're thinking of me, I already think them of myself. I beat myself up about this constantly and realize it's wrong. What I'm looking for is some sound advice on what actions to take from here.) Link to comment
BrianH46 Posted November 8, 2011 Share Posted November 8, 2011 Wow..... what you're doing is just horrible. Well you're in a pickle, my advice is to come clean with both of them and tell them what's going on. Most likely your bf will break up with you but he deserves better than you. You say your being horrible and admit to the fact that what you doing is wrong but yet you still do it anyways? Break it off with both of them and do some soul searching and find out why you did it. Link to comment
lalalollipops Posted November 8, 2011 Share Posted November 8, 2011 Tell them both asap. Link to comment
happyfrank Posted November 8, 2011 Share Posted November 8, 2011 Tell the truth to both. Whatever happens happens. It's how we learn from mistakes that makes us stronger. Good luck to you. Link to comment
Tanzi Posted November 8, 2011 Share Posted November 8, 2011 What advice can we really give you really. You only have two choices. You either decide between the two of them and break it off with the other or, as Brian said above, you do the truly honourable thing and come clean to both of them. Personally I think you should chose the latter because evidently there is something missing from your relationship with Doug and I don't think you should be in a relationship with him and, should you chose to end it with Doug and stay with Brad then not only do you own it to him to be honest too but jumping from one relationship to another could mean you are jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire. Your feelings for Brad could be totally different when you are totally single and able to be in a proper relationship with him. You should certainly forget worrying about losing Brad's friendship ... that is the least of your worries. Don't make it about you, make it about what is right for both these guys. Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted November 8, 2011 Share Posted November 8, 2011 There is no quick fix, nor is there ever a happy ending in these situations. The only choice you have is to come clean with both of them, otherwise, sooner or later the truth will come out. Not only are you putting their health at risk, you're also dealing both of them an unfair hand. Link to comment
turnera Posted November 8, 2011 Share Posted November 8, 2011 Sorry, but you have to tell the truth. Does it suck? Of course. But you crossed the line the first time you flirted with Brad, and you KNEW it. Now you're paying (or will) the price. Live and learn. Link to comment
LDRohnos Posted November 8, 2011 Share Posted November 8, 2011 Because of my overwhelming attraction to him, I never mentioned I was in a relationship with someone. First mistake you made. You put the impression in this man's mind that you were available. Maybe it was because you enjoyed the attention so much that you feared that if you told him you were in a relationship he would have backed off...and he would have been right to do so. Very selfish of you. More than that, though, is the fact that Brad is not only one of my best friends but a truly wonderful guy who would like to be in a serious relationship with me. I want so badly to tell him that I'm with someone else, but I would hate to ruin our friendship and what we have together. I know I have to end it, though, before Doug finds out. What you have together is a lie. One that Brad and Doug are unfortunately now a victim of. Doug needs to find out regardless. You need to tell him and accept the responsibility of your actions. This isn't going to be an easy thing to do but to do the right thing at this point you need to come clean. If you continue to lie to Doug by omission you're not helping yourself and you're going to continue down the same path you did before. Come clean. I feel awful what I'm doing to both of them and can't imagine what would happen if they both found out. I feel that I have two great guys in my life and I'm being a horrible person for stringing them both along. My few girlfriends who know about it tell me I'm being selfish. I know I am, and I want to stop. I need to figure out a way to fix what has already been done. There is no fix here. You burned down two relationships due to lies. The only thing you can do now is be a big girl and face the consequences of your actions. Or, you can continue your selfishness and keep lying to both of them. Or even one of them...it's the same thing. Come clean, to both of them. That is my advice. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted November 8, 2011 Share Posted November 8, 2011 I think it is time for you to be honest with both guys. Then it is time for you to do some honest to goodness soul searching as to why you chose to be the kind of person who deceives men and strings them along in order to cater to your own needs. You may feel badly but not bad enough to end the dishonesty and deception. You have deceived two men in order to cater to your own needs. How would you feel if your partner was cheating on you? How would you feel if you got involved with someone under the assumption they were single, only to find out that they had a partner they never told you about? Put yourself in the shoes of these two guys and ask yourself how you would feel if you were the one being deceived. Link to comment
pl3asehelp Posted November 8, 2011 Share Posted November 8, 2011 Agree with this post and would add that you should be prepared for Brad's feelings towards you to change once he finds out you are a liar and a cheater, so it's very likely that relationship will be over as well. Link to comment
chai714 Posted November 8, 2011 Share Posted November 8, 2011 Don't tell either of them until you have made a decision. The longer you draw this out with Brad, the worse things will get for you. No need to ruin your relationship with Doug if you wish to continue being his partner and living with him. Once you have made a decision, only tell the person you don't want to be with. Telling both people won't help the situation in the long term or short term. Afterwards, there will be a peacemaking process with yourself. You already don't feel good about who you are becoming but you want to change that. Good luck. Link to comment
Mauxly Posted November 8, 2011 Share Posted November 8, 2011 No new advice. But I'm here to weigh in on the 'tell them both' side. This is going to be horrible for you in the short term. You are going to have two devastated and heartbroken men on your hands. You will probably lose both of them as both friends and lovers. However, for as bad as that sounds, its so much better than the alternative: living with guilt for the rest of your life, knowing that you didn't act honorably. You've made a horrendous mistake. You can't fix it. The best that you can do is behave honorably from this moment on and take your lickings. If you do the right thing now you'll eventually forgive and respect yourself. This is way more important than the immediate and painful price you'll pay when you own up. Link to comment
Lester Posted November 8, 2011 Share Posted November 8, 2011 You got some great advice above. I think you should also think about the future. (Years from now.) My advice is to think about why you did what you did. By answering that complex question you may be able to avoid similar mistakes in future. Who knows, this thing may be the reason you have trouble confiding in others. If not considered, one day it may affect all your relationships including those with your children. Best to you! Link to comment
pl3asehelp Posted November 8, 2011 Share Posted November 8, 2011 Don't tell either of them until you have made a decision. The longer you draw this out with Brad, the worse things will get for you. No need to ruin your relationship with Doug if you wish to continue being his partner and living with him. Once you have made a decision, only tell the person you don't want to be with. Telling both people won't help the situation in the long term or short term. Afterwards, there will be a peacemaking process with yourself. You already don't feel good about who you are becoming but you want to change that. Good luck. Don't like this advice at all. Is this actually advocating continuing the lie for one of these guys? What do you mean it won't 'help the situation' - whose situation? The lying OP? I think the goal here needs to be honesty so these men can decide what to do about you, they have a right to know if they are dating a lying cheater so they can decide if they want to waste any more of their time with the OP - not to 'help the situation'. Both of these guys deserve and have a right to know the truth. I don't like the fundamental approach of this advice either, basically saying you get to make a decision here about which one you'd like to keep, and then you continue lying to that person? First of all, you have no right at all to continue lying to either of them - if they had all the facts, they would likely break up with you, so you're trapping them with your lie. Also, why should the OP get to choose? This is just so incredibly selfish. OP you need to be honest with both men and accept the consequences of your actions. NOT continue lying to one of them to get what you want - it was that kind of selfish behavior that led you into this situation to begin with. Link to comment
Miss Firecracker Posted November 8, 2011 Share Posted November 8, 2011 Break up with both right away. Do you really believe you deserve either one of these guys? Seriously? Link to comment
chai714 Posted November 8, 2011 Share Posted November 8, 2011 This isn't a life or death situation. She is encouraged to choose ASAP as continuing this will result in no self-respect and therefore lower self-esteem. How is telling them going to help the situation? Because it clears her conscience? If so, how does that benefit her? It doesn't. It's not selfish, it's factual. She is encouraged to make a decision quickly then make peace with herself. Link to comment
Tanzi Posted November 8, 2011 Share Posted November 8, 2011 Don't tell either of them until you have made a decision. The longer you draw this out with Brad, the worse things will get for you. No need to ruin your relationship with Doug if you wish to continue being his partner and living with him. Once you have made a decision, only tell the person you don't want to be with. Telling both people won't help the situation in the long term or short term. Afterwards, there will be a peacemaking process with yourself. You already don't feel good about who you are becoming but you want to change that. Good luck. Although this is probably the easiest and most likely route the OP will take, I don't think that is exactly fair on Doug (should she choose to stay with Doug that is). He needs to know the truth so that he can have the choice to either walk away or stick around to make it work. As things currently stand with their relationship there is clearly something wrong and he needs to know this. That said I do think it is a good idea for the OP to come to a decision first .... before telling them BOTH the truth. That way should she decide that it is, for example, Brad she wants to be in a relationship with but Doug is the one that sticks around, she will know in her heart of hearts that he isn't really the one for her and even without Brad in her life she shouldn't string Doug along any further. Link to comment
DylanNotorious Posted November 8, 2011 Share Posted November 8, 2011 This isn't a life or death situation. She is encouraged to choose ASAP as continuing this will result in no self-respect and therefore lower self-esteem. How is telling them going to help the situation? Because it clears her conscience? If so, how does that benefit her? It doesn't. It's not selfish, it's factual. She is encouraged to make a decision quickly then make peace with herself. I don't agree with you either sorry. Another poster called DN sums it up nicely when he says that withholding this information from your partner is very unfair, as it does not give the other person a chance to hear the information, so they can decide if they want to stay with a cheater. You take that right away from your partner when you withhold information this huge. Link to comment
GreenGirl Posted November 9, 2011 Author Share Posted November 9, 2011 living with guilt for the rest of your life, knowing that you didn't act honorably. You've made a horrendous mistake. You can't fix it. The best that you can do is behave honorably from this moment on and take your lickings. If you do the right thing now you'll eventually forgive and respect yourself. This is way more important than the immediate and painful price you'll pay when you own up. Very well said. Thank you!! Link to comment
Tanzi Posted November 9, 2011 Share Posted November 9, 2011 This isn't a life or death situation. She is encouraged to choose ASAP as continuing this will result in no self-respect and therefore lower self-esteem. How is telling them going to help the situation? Because it clears her conscience? If so, how does that benefit her? It doesn't. It's not selfish, it's factual. She is encouraged to make a decision quickly then make peace with herself. This seems rather squewiff to me. This isn't about how it will benefit the OP but how it will benefit everybody, including the two people to whom she is lying who are the real victims here. Link to comment
GreenGirl Posted November 9, 2011 Author Share Posted November 9, 2011 You got some great advice above. I think you should also think about the future. (Years from now.) My advice is to think about why you did what you did. By answering that complex question you may be able to avoid similar mistakes in future. Who knows, this thing may be the reason you have trouble confiding in others. If not considered, one day it may affect all your relationships including those with your children. I really like what you said here. All this wondering "what to do" and "what to say" has left little room to think about WHY I've made these decisions, especially since I've never been a lying or deceitful person in the past. Thank you for the advice! Link to comment
LDRohnos Posted November 9, 2011 Share Posted November 9, 2011 I really like what you said here. All this wondering "what to do" and "what to say" has left little room to think about WHY I've made these decisions, especially since I've never been a lying or deceitful person in the past. Thank you for the advice! That's the whole point of coming clean with both men. If you continue to live in a lie you deprive yourself of the ability to reflect on what you did wrong...instead you're just continuing to try to maintain the lie. Link to comment
GreenGirl Posted November 9, 2011 Author Share Posted November 9, 2011 Not at all. I feel no sense of entitlement or that I have a right to "choose" between them, and I am not expecting them both to still want to be with me. I simply want to come clean and make amends in the best way possible and am looking for advice on how to do so. Link to comment
LDRohnos Posted November 9, 2011 Share Posted November 9, 2011 Not at all. I feel no sense of entitlement or that I have a right to "choose" between them, and I am not expecting them both to still want to be with me. I simply want to come clean and make amends in the best way possible and am looking for advice on how to do so. I was speaking figuratively. You have all the ammunition you need on this thread. It sounds like you're going to do the right thing. Just be as honest as you possibly can. Sort out your own feelings first and just do it. The sooner you can the better. Link to comment
GreenGirl Posted November 9, 2011 Author Share Posted November 9, 2011 [quote=Miss Firecracker;5062439 Do you really believe you deserve either one of these guys? Seriously? Not at all. I feel no sense of entitlement or that I have a right to "choose" between them, and I am not expecting them both to still want to be with me. I simply want to come clean and make amends in the best way possible and am looking for advice on how to do so. Link to comment
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