Did I do something wrong?

[justinfan12]

Im not entirely aware of the proper etiquette of relationships, only that you shouldn't cheat or be decetiful or disloyal to your partner. In my eyes that is the code to live by. With that being said.

 

I cant help who decides to message me/email me. Last night at 1-3 am my best friend (he recently moved from the city to america) texted me and emailed me. He was just telling me how it was there since I have not heard from him in months, of course I replied back. This was all happening while my boyfriend was looking for movies to watch for movie night with me. I quickly looked at from accross the room and he was staring at tme the entire time. I saw his jaw tense and I asked if he was okay and than he got silent and nodded his head and continued to look for movies. And then my phone rang and I answered it, was a quick call.

 

I got back and my boyfriend was on the bed sulking. I curled up to him and saw him twitching his leg (which made me think he had an issue of some sort) then he starts asking "Do I make you happy? Are you happy with me?" I said "Yes where is this coming from?" he said "Who is texting you at this hour? Its 2 am. Who called would call at that time?" He looked at my phone and asked "Michael? Who is Michael? What does he want from you at this hour? Babe seriously.." I told him "Michael is my best friend. He just wanted to talk for a bit, he moved to the States. No big deal. He just wanted to ask me something, What's the big deal? Why are you getting like this?" He said "Nothing. It's cool." We dropped it.. or so i thought, and thwn he said "I'm going to bed. You can continue to talk to Michael." (sulking) I said "What's wrong? I'm not doing anything wrong. Im not hiding anything from you." He says "Babe, why is he talking to you now? Why can't he talk in the morning? Do you see me talking to my friends infront of you in bed like that? No. Because I respect you. If I did it you would be asking who I'm talking to" - actually I wouldn't ask because I don't care and I trust him.. but overall i dont think you should care about someone texting you.. who cares? Then he starts getting upset "Becareful and don't do something you will regret/don't do anything you should not be doing" I asked "Ok do you have a problem? Do you want me to stop talking to guys?" he said "No babe. It's cool. I want you to be comfortable in this relationship"

 

Did I seriously do something wrong here? I was not disrespecting him, my attention was on him at all times. I can't help if someone messages me. And if it bothers him which it does why can he not just say it does?

Are you discouraged to not have any friend of the opposite sex when you are in a relationship? is that the code or something? He just seemed really sad about it, which I do feel bad about. Can anyone here tell me if you are not supposed to have friends of the opposite sex when you get into a serious relationship with someone? How can i broach this conversation with him without him denying it?

[LDRohnos]

Is this the same guy that you weren't having sex with one week and he was fondling you in your sleep? Or is the the guy you were actively having sex in the next thread you created? Or is this a new guy? Just trying to get a timeline first

[lalalollipops]

^ lol

 

There's usually no set code or list of rules you have to follow. But the basics are honesty, loyalty and respect.

There's nothing wrong with frds texting you, but a guy (even if it's a frd) texting past 12pm is kinda sus lol.

 

Your bf overreacted *alittle tiny bit* but I would understand why he would feel this way.

[Stay_home]

Im not entirely aware of the proper etiquette of relationships, only that you shouldn't cheat or be decetiful or disloyal to your partner.

 

There's a lot more etiquette involved in a relationship besides not cheating and being disloyal. There's a whole lot more. And a friend texting/calling at 2am (Although not something that you can help) is not really good "relationship etiquette" when you're laying in bed with your boyfriend at 2 or 3am. It's just not a good look. And then,

 

I saw his jaw tense and I asked if he was okay and than he got silent and nodded his head and continued to look for movies. And then my phone rang and I answered it, was a quick call. I got back and my boyfriend was on the bed sulking.

 

Did you leave the room to take the call? If so, that definitely didn't help things. You got out of bed at 2am to take a call from another man, that's the translation and nothing to do with the fact that he's a really good friend. Well, lets say that great friends know not to text or call their friends at 2am when most people at that time are in their beds sleeping or in their beds sleeping with the other half. There are some exceptions obviously if it was an emergency. But to just make you aware that he had just touched down in America could've waited until morning.

 

Did I seriously do something wrong here?

 

Yes, I'm sorry. But you need to work on your relationship etiquette skills a little more. You can't help that he called/text that late, but you should've nipped that in the butt right when it happened. Some guys won't care, but most guys will care and they will have a problem with your friend calling. When you do talk to Michael again, be cool and just tell him that he can't call you like that so late ever again unless it's a extreme emergency.

 

Take it for what it's worth, my two cents.

[annie24]

I disagree that there's nothing you can do. Don't play like you're all passive in this situation. If someone calls you at 2 AM, even if they are a good friend, you can choose to let it go to voicemail and return their call in the morning. Just because someone calls doesn't mean that you need to answer it right then and there. Especially if you are on a "date" with your man (even if it is a night at home relaxing.) I agree that calls between the hours of 10 PM and 8 AM are rather suspicious. I have good male friends too, but wouldn't ever dream to call them in the middle of the night about anything (unless, like someone mentioned - there was an emergency). And suspicious of you to leave the room! (ok, maybe he was watching a movie and you wanted to give him quiet.) but seriously, taking a man's calls in the middle of the night does not look good at all.

[justinfan12]

Thank You for being mature enough to give a sensible response.

 

Right, well even in a relationship, I am still learning a lot about him and myself, but I like to keep my freedom and lets me have my freedom. I dont know why he got upset - i mean intelecually I know why he did - but I don't understand it. I am just being honest haha. I tried to talk to him about it, to try to understand where he was coming from. But i sensed this pulling and pushing, it's like he wanted to say it was bothering him but at the same time he didn't want to tell me what to do/try to be controlling, he told me "Do what you want, I want you to be comfortable in this relationship. Im not going to tell you what to do. But use your head sometimes. I trust you." I know it looks really bad. I left the room not because I was hiding anything, i know it looks like I was and I can understand that, but I don't like being on the phone in front of other people. Its a strange habit but I have always been like this. I refuse to talk to someone on the phone when I am in the company of others, I always leave the room, so i can pay attention to the person on the other line, with no distractions etc. Does that make sense? I understand that it looks like I was hiding something but I wasn't. He asked what we talked about and I told him a little.

 

Its not a good look - maybe - but what if you really are not doing anything wrong? I've been faithful and loyal to him ever since we started dating. He thinks I am this kind of girl that a lot of men like and want to be with and he thinks I am too flirtatious and naive to understand how guys will take advantage of me. Thats the impression I get from him sometimes. He seriously thinks because of the way I look that I creep behind his back. And I don't. I could be at home all week working on papers, and when we catch up and tell him what I have been doing - at home.. he will jokingly say "You sure? Not out partying with any guys or anything? Not getting drunk or anything?" Excuse me for my language but maybe he thinks I am a wh-ore. Im not though.

 

Thing is me and him always text late.. I never regarded it as having any special meaning. I also talk to other people at 3 am sometimes 4 am in the morning of both sexes. I had no idea this was significant. Maybe I am just ignorant to relationship etiquette.. Yeah, I actually talked to my friend Michael about it and he understands completely.

[Batya33]

I agree with this - while on a date (or spending time with a friend) I think the etiquette should be that you don't answer your phone or check it more than once or twice unless you tell the person in advance you will need to do that because you're expecting a call or if a call comes in that seems urgent at least tell the person "so sorry, I have to take this but I'll be very quick".

[Ariel85]

Is this the same guy that you weren't having sex with one week and he was fondling you in your sleep? Or is the the guy you were actively having sex in the next thread you created? Or is this a new guy? Just trying to get a timeline first

 

I think it's the guy who threatened to kill her if she ever cheated or talked to another guy.

[justinfan12]

Oh wow. I was not aware that the timing of calling was significant. I really did not.

I did not know that someone calling at 12 am had any meaning... It all just sounds quite silly to me. I am just being honest here. I have a hard time understanding it most of the time. It looks suspicious but it is not. I answered it because I missed him (is it wrong to miss your best friend?) and he really needed to talk to me. It looks very suspicious but it really isn't as bad as it looks. That is why am I asked if there are also things I should be 'aware' of in relationships, while being able to maintain my freedom.

 

But seriously.. people place significance on the time someone calls? I thought a phone call was just a phone call. This is all new to me, hearing this kind of perspective lol. He was looking for a movie. It does look suspicious I guess but it really was not as bad as it looks, so I was and still am a little confused about his reaction. I think her overreacted honestly speaking here.

[justinfan12]

I agree with this - while on a date (or spending time with a friend) I think the etiquette should be that you don't answer your phone or check it more than once or twice unless you tell the person in advance you will need to do that because you're expecting a call or if a call comes in that seems urgent at least tell the person "so sorry, I have to take this but I'll be very quick".

It wasn't a date. At least not how I seen it. I was just spending time with my boyfriend.

Does just relaxing together mean a date? Hearing these new perspectives - very interesting here.

 

I personally think a date is going out, not staying in. I can stay in with anyone. Thats just how *I* see it. He never said it was a date so maybe it really wasn't a date. To be frank I think this just seems far fetched to me. Way too many rules here.. maybe some people need to work on not getting upset over trivial things. I mean people answer their phone sometimes when they are out with me. I don't get bothered by it at all. I think "oh no worries it was probably important." I am not going to fall down on my knees and cry because of that you know? Maybe I am being insensitive or something.. I don't know.. But I am generally very chill so I don't see what the fuss is. I've been out with a friend or two, they answer their phones in front of me and step out the room. I don't care if they do that, thats a-ok with me. I want them to be able to do whatever they please without me trying to restrict them..besides how silly is it, fussing over someone calling you? It just sounds very immature to me, and I dont mean to offend anyone here but just based on my personality, I find that stuff to be very petty. Sorry if this offends anyone.

 

What about a "be right back?" I told him "be right back".. would that have decreased his need to get fussy over pettiness?

[lalalollipops]

^ she used that as an example. When you're spending time with your bf there are unspoken rules that ppl abide by.

 

And there's a difference btwn your frds answering calls and you answering a call in the early morning from a guy while your bf's there. It's pretty common sense really. The guy shouldn't have sulked, but his reaction was not unfounded. You seemed to have missed the point completely. It's not about picking up a call, it's about picking up a call in the early morning from a guy. It just isn't appropriate given the time. You need to consider other ppl sometimes, not just think of yourself?

 

Did you end up telling your bf you were hanging out with your ex? lol darn woman, work on your boundaries and respect for the guy, he's no angel but seriously, you're in a relationship with the guy. Treat him fairly.

[annie24]

Oh wow. I was not aware that the timing of calling was significant. I really did not.

I did not know that someone calling at 12 am had any meaning... It all just sounds quite silly to me.

 

Would you call your boss or professor at home at 3 AM to ask what time the project is due? Would you call a friend at midnight when you know they fall asleep at 9 PM every night? Absolutely not, timing of calls is significant and you know that.

 

Who are people who would allow you to call in the middle of the night? People you are very close to, like a partner or a best friend. Or booty calls. You've heard of that too, right? And when a man is calling you in the middle of the night, and you leave your bed to talk to "best friend" - it sure looks like you are "picking" another man over your boyfriend. Another man, calling you in the middle of the night, just to chat, sure sounds like a man with romantic interests. Now, if there is a time difference, that can account for things, but still, if you are in bed with your man, why would you leave to take a call from another man? If I were in bed with a man, and he got out to chat with a woman on the phone, he would need to pack up all his clothes too, because I would kick him out for that!

[Batya33]

I think you're taking my post to extremes to justify your behavior. I never wrote or meant anything you wrote. I simply think it's rude to take a call in the situation you described -at that time and in that context while you're supposed to be having a movie night with your boyfriend without at least asking him if it's ok if you take the call. My husband and I have a favorite tv show we watch together a few times a week for a half hour - it's our mini date night - he would be rightly annoyed if I answered a call that was anything short of urgent and if I didn't ask him if he was ok with my stepping away briefly. I don't think it's petty at all -you were telling your boyfriend by your behavior "my friend who is calling out of the blue is more important than you are, I'm going to take the call while you continue to put in effort to choosing a movie for us to watch and I really don't care if you have a problem with it".

[Ariel85]

I think you're taking my post to extremes to justify your behavior.

 

Agreed!

 

I think most people would be pretty steamed if their partner took a phone call from anyone, least of all an opposite sex "friend" at 2AM.

 

This is what I would have done if I were nesting with my man and some dude called me at 2AM:

 

Ariel: Honey, this is weird. Jay is calling me. Let me just make sure everything is OK.

Ariel: Jay? Is everything OK? I got concerned because you were calling me so late. I'm with boyfriend right now, so if everything is OK, can we chat tomorrow? I'll call you then.

Boyfriend: You're a good friend, Ariel. Now get over her and let me molest you, you hot thing.

 

For me, NO ONE calls after 11PM, unless it's a dire emergency. No one calls anyone to chat and shoot the breeze at 2AM, actually, unless they're high on coke, looking for booty, or crank calling.

[avman]

Thread closed.