Jake Posted October 2, 2011 Share Posted October 2, 2011 I know the question seems a bit odd because who doesn't want to date someone that's kind?! To put what I'm trying to say into perspective allow me to give a real life example: I've sort of joined a study group at my University and I've found that I have a lot in common with them (same culture, same interests of profession and same religion - to name a few). Now, there's a girl in the group that I'll call "D" and based on my conversations with her I can tell she's a really nice person, a "good girl" no doubt about it. She's really mellow, smart, considerate and helpful. The only two issues is that I don't find her attractive physically (which really stinks) and I overall see her as a friend strictly. But the truth of the matter is, even as much as I hate to admit it, is that even if I did find "D" insanely attractive I could never date her! She has this aura about her that just seems to be radiating kindness and I feel she or any other women with such a personality wouldn't be able to take my personality! I hate to admit that but it's true! When I was talking to "D" my exact thoughts were, "man this girl is so nice, I could never date her, she wouldn't last a day, I would eat her alive!" When I'm around I feel like our friendship will and is developing into me being and feeling like her older protective brother or something. Does anybody else feel this way about certain people? Strictly talking aside from "D" if I met any women, any, and she was similar in personality and I did find her attractive I STILL wouldn't be able to date her either and I'd have to write her off as a friend! That's what frustrates me most about the realization of it all..... I feel like I'm the nice guy that's hooked on bad - bad girls and I really don't know why. It goes against MY logic as well as any mature logical thinking man in general! Link to comment
DN Posted October 2, 2011 Share Posted October 2, 2011 Kindness doesn't necessarily equate with weakness. Link to comment
Sim54 Posted October 2, 2011 Share Posted October 2, 2011 Are you aware of the psychological concept of projection? Check it out, and get your head round it. You'll discover a whole lot about who YOU are, and why you are attracted to certain people and not others, and also, why you think you would eat this girl alive. (Hint, you'd eat yourself alive). Link to comment
Capricorn3 Posted October 2, 2011 Share Posted October 2, 2011 It's such a shame really. Every day we see here on ENA people complaining about how badly they are treated and talking about not being able to find the right guy/girl because the guy/girl is abusive etc etc, and know we read how finding someone who is kind, but not quite dateable either. I would think that finding someone decent (kind) would be a bonus. Catch 22. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted October 2, 2011 Share Posted October 2, 2011 When I was talking to "D" my exact thoughts were, "man this girl is so nice, I could never date her, she wouldn't last a day, I would eat her alive!" Just because someone is kind doesn't mean they would tolerate someone trying to eat them alive. Plenty of kind people are strong, have boundaries and don't tolerate garbage from others. Link to comment
MizzGee Posted October 2, 2011 Share Posted October 2, 2011 I'm not sure if you really mean kind, because I agree with those who are saying kindnees doesn't equate timidity... I'm getting the idea that she might be a pushover or something and you're mistaking it for kindness. Link to comment
Jake Posted October 2, 2011 Author Share Posted October 2, 2011 I think with the fact nobody has related to what I've said speaks volume as to the reality that my perspective is skewed. MizzGee I believe I do mean kindness and I think I'm subconsciously mistaking it for timidity and/or weakness. Sim54 I believe you are on to something in that I do not deny that I view my own kindness as a weakness. I kind of have despised it for as long as I can remember. Link to comment
LDRohnos Posted October 2, 2011 Share Posted October 2, 2011 Timid people can be very difficult to communicate with. If you're the type of person who likes to air things out then you're going to potentially be in a world of frustration. To answer your question, no I love dating "kind" people. What healthy human being wouldn't. Link to comment
annie24 Posted October 2, 2011 Share Posted October 2, 2011 why do you view kindness as weakness? can you think of some examples where someone can be strong AND kind? perhaps a doctor caring for a patient. A person volunteering at a shelter? Or in my case today, a karate black belt teaching a womens' self-defense class? Link to comment
Imthatguy Posted October 2, 2011 Share Posted October 2, 2011 why do you view kindness as weakness? I think the stress on this is someone who is TOO kind. Having an abundance of one trait can definitely be a bad thing in some peoples eyes. I've had this argument before, I think it is possible to be too kind and selfless. People get taken advantage of all the time because they're too nice. I don't think Link to comment
annie24 Posted October 2, 2011 Share Posted October 2, 2011 You can be kind and still have boundaries though - don't let people take advantage of you. It depends - I don't know this girl so I don't know where she is on that spectrum. Link to comment
LDRohnos Posted October 2, 2011 Share Posted October 2, 2011 My ex I considered "too kind" in that she would never speak her mind if it meant she had to ruffle some feathers. It was quite annoying =) Sweet girl though! Link to comment
Mesemene Posted October 2, 2011 Share Posted October 2, 2011 Yup - there's a huge difference between someone who is very kind and giving, and a living doormat. A living doormat won't offer advice or an opinion - or debate that opinion, for fear of being looked at less positively. A kind person can still stick up for themselves - they just care for other people's feelings and may be more careful about phrasing. Link to comment
Fudgie Posted October 2, 2011 Share Posted October 2, 2011 Hm, I'm not sure, I don't really think I buy it. I think there is something as "too kind" when someone has no backbone and won't ever speak their mind or stand up for themselves. Is this what D is like, OP? If she is, then she is "spineless", not too kind. If she is not and she is just "too kind", then I'd have to think that you tend to go for more nasty girls or you're just putting up a wall for yourself because you're afraid to let people in. sometimes we reject people on stupid premises because we are too scared to let them in . Link to comment
Jake Posted October 2, 2011 Author Share Posted October 2, 2011 why do you view kindness as weakness? can you think of some examples where someone can be strong AND kind? perhaps a doctor caring for a patient. A person volunteering at a shelter? Or in my case today, a karate black belt teaching a womens' self-defense class? I view those people as awesome and rare exceptions to the real reality of life. Aside from those exceptions kindness is taken advantage of and even abused from what I've observed and personally experienced. I therefore view kindness as weakness because those who give it so freely I feel like are asking to be run over at any moment. I honestly have a very hard time expressing kindness and when I do? I subconsciously expect it to be taken advantage of in some way. I realize now, to no surprise really, another one of my threads has, yet again, spoken volumes about myself and my many problems lol! Link to comment
Capricorn3 Posted October 2, 2011 Share Posted October 2, 2011 Aside from those exceptions kindness is taken advantage of and even abused from what I've observed and personally experienced. I therefore view kindness as weakness because those who give it so freely I feel like are asking to be run over at any moment. I think you're talking more about a doormat than kindness itself. There's a huge difference between a doormat and a nice/kind person who has a backbone and doesn't allow people to walk all over them. They speak up for themselves and share their opinions whereas the doormat version is more a "yes sir, no sir" type. Link to comment
Mesemene Posted October 2, 2011 Share Posted October 2, 2011 I view those people as awesome and rare exceptions to the real reality of life. Aside from those exceptions kindness is taken advantage of and even abused from what I've observed and personally experienced. I therefore view kindness as weakness because those who give it so freely I feel like are asking to be run over at any moment. I honestly have a very hard time expressing kindness and when I do? I subconsciously expect it to be taken advantage of in some way. I realize now, to no surprise really, another one of my threads has, yet again, spoken volumes about myself and my many problems lol! From my "advanced age" I've learned this - I'm kind to others as much as possible because it's who I want to be, and if someone chooses to reject it, or take it the wrong way suspecting an ulterior motive, it's their loss. They still get what I intended to give, no more, no less. At the same time, I've been in an emotionally abusive relationship before, and I will NEVER let someone walk all over me or take advantage of me - they get what I choose to give, but I won't be browbeaten or guilted into giving more than I feel comfortable with, and feel the situation warrants. Even before, I was no doormat and had little tolerance for people who complained they didn't like X, Y, or Z - but refused to state their likes or opinions. I'm just more thick-skinned than I used to be Link to comment
Jake Posted October 2, 2011 Author Share Posted October 2, 2011 I think you're talking more about a doormat than kindness itself. There's a huge difference between a doormat and a nice/kind person who has a backbone and doesn't allow people to walk all over them. They speak up for themselves and share their opinions whereas the doormat version is more a "yes sir, no sir" type. I can see where you're getting at but what I'm trying to say is I don't see how can kindness be expressed so well by her and yet she is NOT a doormat. My brain is thinking that at any moment down the line she will be taken advantage of.... yet... she doesn't. This why I am baffled by her, frankly, because rather then risk becoming a doormat myself I have shutdown and I don't trust anyone. Her success is bothering my defense mechanism if that makes sense. Link to comment
annie24 Posted October 2, 2011 Share Posted October 2, 2011 I think that there are many messed up people in the world who are out to take advantage of people - and then there are many good people too. or people with various shades of gray in them. i think maybe you might be surrounded by some people who are 'users?' i think that most people are good, and most people appreciate kindness and will be kind in return. Link to comment
Capricorn3 Posted October 2, 2011 Share Posted October 2, 2011 I don't see how can kindness be expressed so well by her and yet she is NOT a doormat. My brain is thinking that at any moment down the line she will be taken advantage of.... yet... she doesn't. This why I am baffled by her. Her success is bothering my defense mechanism if that makes sense. It sounds to me like she has a pretty good strong backbone and doesn't let anyone take advantage of her kindness. In other words, she is clearly not a doormat. Nothing baffling about it. I think your own reaction is far more baffling than her kindness which set this whole thing off for you. Link to comment
Staple Posted October 2, 2011 Share Posted October 2, 2011 You really think that kindness is weakness? I'm personally really kind, especially to people I'm dating. But I'm not the type of person you want to piss off either. Link to comment
Jake Posted October 2, 2011 Author Share Posted October 2, 2011 I think that there are many messed up people in the world who are out to take advantage of people - and then there are many good people too. or people with various shades of gray in them. i think maybe you might be surrounded by some people who are 'users?' i think that most people are good, and most people appreciate kindness and will be kind in return. I am embarrassed to admit this but logically I can understand what you're saying but emotionally, and physically? Nope. I can honestly not grasp the concept of showing kindness and trusting someone at a higher level (say a romantic relationship). I'm slowly finding out that I'm single for my distrust of people and not for any other reason really. I am not surrounded by users. It's more that my childhood was among people who could be rather cold and inconsiderate emotionally. It sounds to me like she has a pretty good strong backbone and doesn't let anyone take advantage of her kindness. In other words, she is clearly not a doormat. Nothing baffling about it. I think your own reaction is far more baffling than her kindness which set this whole thing off for you. Like I said she's a good girl! My own reaction is on the bases of I'm on the other end of the spectrum as her. I feel like a monster around her basically. Link to comment
DN Posted October 2, 2011 Share Posted October 2, 2011 Three people who were kind and tough: Albert Schweitzer Mother Theresa Oskar Schindler Link to comment
Stay_home Posted October 2, 2011 Share Posted October 2, 2011 You know something, I deal with so many rude, inconsiderate, heartless and mean-spirited people that I can appreciate someone who's kind and gentle. So I say bring them on! Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted October 2, 2011 Share Posted October 2, 2011 It is a given in life that kind people will be taken advantage of by many....but that doesn't mean the kind person should stop being kind..because there are many people who appreciate kindness and won't take advantage. Once a kind person realizes person A is taking advantage of them, the kind person can simply set boundaries with person A. Also, be careful of what you say are people being too kind that they seem like doormats. Often the so-called kind people who don't stick up for themselves because they are afraid of confrontation, will act passive aggressively in order to get what the want or do what they want. Link to comment
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