Do you ever disconsider dating someone because he or she is too kind?

[Batya33]

I don't think being a doormat is nice so if you mean that you think she is kind because she'd allow someone to walk all over her, that just means she is insecure and seeks approval through good deeds -her focus is not as much to be kind as to be liked -a more selfish motive (even though the result is the same -she is kind to others). It's not a nice way to be -it can be selfish since it's all about her and she likely will get more insecure or resentful that she gives so much but doesn't seem to get the positive attention she wants -she's taken for granted.

 

I don't think it's complimentary of you to refer to her as a "good girl" -she's not a girl -she's an adult - and it shows that you don't respect her with that label -she's more like an obedient puppy dog than someone who you admire for her kindness and strength.

 

I do think you need to get over your attraction to cold, inconsiderate people unless you're looking simply to date around and have short term relationships -for the long term, while the cold/inconsiderate might turn you on or be a fun challenge, when you're a team with someone for the long term, you're going to value that person's compassion and kindness far more than having to be on your toes just to be thrown a bone of kindness (I am all for keeping each other challenged and interested but not by withholding affection). And if you eventually want a family you're not going to want to subject a child to an adult who is cold/inconsiderate when the child is not as "cute" all the time.

[Sim54]

I don't think being a doormat is nice so if you mean that you think she is kind because she'd allow someone to walk all over her, that just means she is insecure and seeks approval through good deeds -her focus is not as much to be kind as to be liked -a more selfish motive (even though the result is the same -she is kind to others). It's not a nice way to be -it can be selfish since it's all about her and she likely will get more insecure or resentful that she gives so much but doesn't seem to get the positive attention she wants -she's taken for granted.

 

Very well said. This is a big issue. If you've ever found yourself feeling guilty when someone is really lovely to you, then chances are they are doing this. You gut reaction tells you something is amiss, but it's hard to put your finger on it as you SHOULD really appreciate someone being good to you, but nonetheless, it is a form of manipulation and selfishness, like you say.

[Batya33]

I do think some people have a knee jerk reaction of being turned off by kindness because they assume it must be weakness, and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. If the kind person is good with boundaries then that "label" can change but it's an uphill battle because of the knee jerk reaction.

[Jake]

I don't think being a doormat is nice so if you mean that you think she is kind because she'd allow someone to walk all over her, that just means she is insecure and seeks approval through good deeds -her focus is not as much to be kind as to be liked -a more selfish motive (even though the result is the same -she is kind to others). It's not a nice way to be -it can be selfish since it's all about her and she likely will get more insecure or resentful that she gives so much but doesn't seem to get the positive attention she wants -she's taken for granted.

 

I agree with what you're stating here but I can assure you, that she's not that kind of person with some kind of hidden ultramotive for her kindness towards others. Which is why I greatly admire and am in some ways, intimidated by this attribute of her's.

 

 

I don't think it's complimentary of you to refer to her as a "good girl" -she's not a girl -she's an adult - and it shows that you don't respect her with that label -she's more like an obedient puppy dog than someone who you admire for her kindness and strength.

 

I disagree, you're taking the words, "good girl" way out of context. I am well aware she's an adult and I do vastly admire her kindness and strength. Which is why I'd never date anyone like her. She's honestly too good for me.

 

 

I do think you need to get over your attraction to cold, inconsiderate people unless you're looking simply to date around and have short term relationships -for the long term, while the cold/inconsiderate might turn you on or be a fun challenge, when you're a team with someone for the long term, you're going to value that person's compassion and kindness far more than having to be on your toes just to be thrown a bone of kindness (I am all for keeping each other challenged and interested but not by withholding affection). And if you eventually want a family you're not going to want to subject a child to an adult who is cold/inconsiderate when the child is not as "cute" all the time.

 

I wouldn't say I'm attracted to cold, inconsiderate women. More so I find that I'm attracted to women that I eventually discover are unavailable to date me or anyone else for that matter. She's either:

 

A.) In a long-term relationship already.

B.) Views me as only a friend (and I know it).

C.) She's way out of my league.

D.) She's quite a bit older and there's no chance we'd end up dating.

 

I think I'm subconsciously avoiding women who would be otherwise great to be in a relationship with because I have a hard time emotionally attaching to anyone. So when I do meet someone that has a great personality (like D). It's a bit of a shock to my system (so to speak) and I only feel even more inadequate (my lack of self-esteem and confidence doesn't help either).

[Batya33]

If she's so strong as you say above why in the world would you think you'd "eat her alive" if you dated her? That's what threw me off some.

[SuperBearGo]

I think with the fact nobody has related to what I've said speaks volume as to the reality that my perspective is skewed. MizzGee I believe I do mean kindness and I think I'm subconsciously mistaking it for timidity and/or weakness. Sim54 I believe you are on to something in that I do not deny that I view my own kindness as a weakness. I kind of have despised it for as long as I can remember.

 

You said your a kind guy. Do you despise your kindness because others have taken advantage of it? and maybe your projecting it onto her as a weakness because your scared of people taking advantage of her kindness. You said you feel like an over protective brother to her, do you think maybe this is why?

 

 

sorry i didn't read the other peoples posts before posting this one..I guess your your past this point.

but it sounds like your mistaking kindness with the incapability to say no to people.

[Capricorn3]

My own reaction is on the bases of I'm on the other end of the spectrum as her. I feel like a monster around her basically.

Not sure why you would say this, or feel this way. I mean, are you mean and nasty to people? Do you treat them badly? Why would you feel "like a monster"?

[Sim54]

The etymology of the word kind is actually that it is rooted in the word kin and kindred. In other words, to be kind is to treat someone as an equal, as a brother or sister, and as part of the family, the group, to include someone, to esteem them. Not really weak at all.

 

OP, you have a lot of limiting beliefs. On the one hand you say that you'd eat her alive, on the other, that she's too good for you. You despise your own weakness and then project it onto this girl, and you clearly don't like yourself very much if you describe yourself as a monster. I can relate to all of this. I feel often the same way. My ex was very kind to me, but she was also very clingy and needy, which I despised.

It is often stated that neediness is a relationship killer, and it is, but really, when we despise someone for something they do, or are repulsed by it, it's because we despise that in ourselves. We are attracted to others because they embody personality traits that we either want, or identify with, and that is usually strength, independence, etc. We reject someone for weakness because we reject OURSELVES for being weak.

 

Also, people display different character traits depending on who they are with, and the interaction. My ex became weaker, needier and clingy because I kept pulling away from her, but that worked the other way around. I kept pulling away from her because she was clingy. Who started it is irrelevant. (Read the Passion Trap).

 

I think, OP, all these musings are a insight into who YOU are, not who she is. Who she is is not so relevant and as who YOU are in response to her, and it's very telling that you are both certain that you would eat her alive, and also see her as above you and better than you, strong and admirable. All these feelings about her are really about you.

[Sim54]

Something else. You've stated you're not even attracted to her, so I fail to understand the point here.

If you WERE attracted to her, then you would feel totally different.

As we know attraction consists of wanting who the person is to influence ourselves in some way, so your lack of attraction to her says something about you, and what you want. What that is only you know.

[Capricorn3]

I was hoping the OP would come back to clarify a few things for us. I guess not?

[Jake]

I was hoping the OP would come back to clarify a few things for us. I guess not?

 

I tend to get tired analyzing my own emotions and take breaks from them lol! I honestly wasn't coming back to this thread because, well, it kind of went off on a different tangent then what I had hoped (it kind of snow balled in one direction). Really though, it's okay, because this thread has allowed me to gain different perspectives and realize what the issue is now. But I'll answer your questions to be nice (do I get any cute points? Joking! Joking lol!)

 

 

 

Not sure why you would say this, or feel this way. I mean, are you mean and nasty to people? Do you treat them badly? Why would you feel "like a monster"?

 

No I'm not nasty to people I just tend to be really harsh on myself as I am always pushing myself. I don't treat anyone badly, actually, I'm probably too nice. I feel like a monster sometimes because of my low self-estem that gets to me sometimes. Let me put it this way, "I am my own worst enemy." I was not raised as a child with the notion of "positive reinforcement" by my parents. More like negative reinforcement and sprinkles of positive. The negative stuck like a leech, it sucks all energy and life away from me.

[Capricorn3]

I tend to get tired analyzing my own emotions and take breaks from them lol!

Ok, I understand. I guess it can become rather tiresome.

 

"I am my own worst enemy"

 

^^ Yes, I would 100% agree with that statement and it is very sad/unfortunate, because if you can let all that baggage go, you would have it made (imo). It's a case of self-fulfilling prophecy - shooting yourself in the foot. As usual, (after following most of your threads), all I can strongly recommend is counselling.

[Sim54]

Which explains your feelings about this girl. It's actually your feelings about YOURSELF that you are projecting onto her. You don't even really know what she is actually like as you only get her 'social' self. She may well eat YOU if you got closer, especially now you've admitted that you can be TOO nice to people.

 

I second the counselling thing. It's great all round.

[Jake]

Capricorn3 I agree with your opinion and I agree Sim54 with your perspective on me projecting my feelings on myself onto her. However, I can't seek counselling - that is not an option at the moment for me.

[Sim54]

THat's fine, it isn't always possible.

However, continue to search out more info on this, as knowledge is key to setting yourself free.

Check out Al Turtle for starters.

He has some very interesting stuff going on.

 

Good luck.

[Jake]

I would agree, knowledge is the key to many things and I'll check out Al Turtle when I get the chance. For now, homework calls lol!

 

Thank you (and others) for the help, it really put everything into light for me more than you know or I could explain!