blackgnat Posted October 1, 2011 Share Posted October 1, 2011 A couple of days ago a co-worker showed me photos of his girlfriend's genitalia-the photos were on his phone. We have worked together for a couple of years, talked a lot and have definitely crossed some conversational boundaries, so it wasn't entirely random. But I was pretty much at a loss for words and consequently said nothing. Except for "Oh". What does this say about him? His relationship with his gf? (They have a child together) Is he trying to look like a stud? Edging his way towards suggesting a threesome? I really don't want to ask him about it-I've been successfully avoiding him since he showed me the photos. I'm thinking I should pretend it didn't happen and continue to stay out of his way. Any suggestions? Link to comment
Alezia Posted October 1, 2011 Share Posted October 1, 2011 I'd just vote the pretend it didn't happen and tone down your conversations, but if it occurs again and you are really uncomfortable then I'd stay away. While I'm personally not that uncomfortable with friends sharing sexuality or any nude pictures - anything coworker related would make me feel a bit strange. It also depends on your personal limits. Link to comment
Mesemene Posted October 1, 2011 Share Posted October 1, 2011 I'd ignore it - and if he starts to show you anything on his phone again, stop him and let him know if it's more than PG-13, it's rated TMI in your book. If he asks why, tell him bluntly that this is his partner and the mother of his child, and not something you consider appropriate viewing material! Link to comment
catfeeder Posted October 1, 2011 Share Posted October 1, 2011 I think you're smart for ignoring it and limiting your interaction with the guy. He may be dumb enough to believe that this was an impressive display and proof of his manhood, but it doesn't obligate you to be the one to break it to him that it comes off as pathetic. Just as work isn't a sexualized environment, it's also not a therapeutic one--so it's not your place to counsel or correct another. Let him hang himself with the wrong person, but for your own sanity, don't attempt to be that wrong person. Link to comment
PaintWithLight Posted October 1, 2011 Share Posted October 1, 2011 This is not innocent. It is a huge violation of both his girlfriend's trust and of the appropriate boundaries at work. Since you have already crossed those boundaries before, he sees you as willing and available and is trying to take it to the next step. He knows that you would be shy to lodge complaint so he is exploiting this vulnerability. Women.... men do not want to be your friends. Well, maybe some do. But the vast majority will play the friend role while continuing to view you as a potential sex partner. This guy crossed over and if you complain, he will quickly retreat, put on an innocent face and just say "hey, I was only showing you my woman...how can you be offended, remember you told me about...blah blah". Keep this guy on a tight lease. Do not spend anymore time with him. This will not be the last incident of this type. He has showed his colors and he is not a friend at all. He is not proud of his girlfriend, he is trying to sexualize the relationship with you. You need to stop him cold. Link to comment
PaintWithLight Posted October 1, 2011 Share Posted October 1, 2011 How can you keep someone on a tight leash and yet not spend time with them? Tight leash meaning: be vigilant of him. If he approaches, decline to go to lunch. Do not cut him any slack and fall back into the slap-happy relaxed atmosphere that got you into this mess. Believe me, he is going to go there again. At the first sign of anything sexual, you need to slap him down. He is going to play the part of the injured, misunderstood guy but do not fall for it. Link to comment
LDRohnos Posted October 1, 2011 Share Posted October 1, 2011 Seriously even if one of my guy friends showed this to me (I'm a dude) I'd tell him what the **** is wrong with you? Link to comment
PaintWithLight Posted October 1, 2011 Share Posted October 1, 2011 Tight leash usually means keep them on restrictions, don't turn your back on them, don't let them have too much freedom. You didn't mean to say keep him on a tight leash you meant to say "cut him off and have nothing further to do with him". Ah, No... I know that she is bound to have to interact with him at work. As much as she tries to stay out of his way, she will see him around. And they have been having boundary breaking chats for 2 years. He would think it was an act of war to "cut him off". She does not need that drama at work. Instead, cut things waaaay back. If she does have to interact with him, be vigilant to keep things from going there. And yes, stop those intimate chat times because he did abuse his freedom. Link to comment
blackgnat Posted October 1, 2011 Author Share Posted October 1, 2011 Paint with Light-I think you have really hit the nail on the head and I have thought lots about the way we've been interacting with our previous chats. Took those too far and sent the wrong message to him. He's a lot younger than I am and he would ask me for advice about his relship. And I don't need the drama at work, so I agree with all those who advise me to pull waaay back. And yes, I am a woman...and I didn't say anything because I was pretty blindsided by the photos. I thought he was gonna show me photos of his kid or something. I really didn't know what to say and there wasn't even much time to say anything-we were in the staff lounge, where workers come and go at any time, so he was taking a risk even whipping his phone out. I have also thought with horror about his gf-I have only met her twice and now I know what her private parts look like! Do you think he i showing these photos to anyone else? He has a lot of brothers and cousins and I'm wondering if they've seen them. Ack. I agree with the immaturity comment, too! I guess I just don't REALLY get what I was supposed to say.... Link to comment
PaintWithLight Posted October 1, 2011 Share Posted October 1, 2011 In his fantasy world, he was hoping you would say: mine is nicer... I really doubt if he is showing them to family that interacts with his gf. That would be too risky. But to a co-worker that he kinda has the hots for...hmmm??? Sorry that you were blindsided but in his mind, with all those intimate chats you have been giving him the green light. Be careful!! Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted October 1, 2011 Share Posted October 1, 2011 I suspect this guy has shown that picture to some of his male buddies as bragging rights. The guy is revolting. While I do feel sorry for his gf for being publicly exposed in that way, I still feel that men and women who knowingly and willingly have naked and sexual photos taken of themselves are incredibly naive and lacking common sense and long-range thinking. They are just thinking in the moment. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted October 1, 2011 Share Posted October 1, 2011 I would have frozen and not known what to say but I hope I would have said politely but with strong eye contact "TMI - please don't show that to me again". Link to comment
blackgnat Posted October 1, 2011 Author Share Posted October 1, 2011 Thanks for the replies-he has called me twice today (Saturday) and I ignored the calls. It's getting a little too creepy for my liking. I will have to plan some serious avoidance and/or have a talk of a different nature with him. Ugh. Link to comment
catfeeder Posted October 1, 2011 Share Posted October 1, 2011 Thanks for the replies-he has called me twice today (Saturday) and I ignored the calls. It's getting a little too creepy for my liking. I will have to plan some serious avoidance and/or have a talk of a different nature with him. Ugh. Yep, it doesn't appear that ignoring him will work if he's going to pursue you at home. I'd just tell him that you want to continue enjoying his friendship at work, but you want him to keep his sex life out of that and not show you any more pictures. Link to comment
delicous Posted October 1, 2011 Share Posted October 1, 2011 I don't see why that would be sings towards wanting a threesome..I unfortunetly sent this dude a pic of my nude and he went and showed my bestfriends boyfriend...Yeah that was terrible!!...But it wasn't suggesting a threesome, just this this man was reaaaaallly immature and I have vouched not to talk to him again.. Link to comment
Lonewing Posted October 1, 2011 Share Posted October 1, 2011 It's getting to be the thing people do nowadays. Girls, if you don't want your genitalia advertised to the world, don't let anyone including yourself take pictures of it. If you're comfortable with it, go right on ahead... You;re going ot have to be direct - which you can do politley. simply approach him straight forward and tell him that you hope that he hasn;t got the wrong impresison, but you're really simply not interested in him at all. A thing about maturity: many of us might consider it to be a common idea that we share "private' things and "mature" people won't share them. In this day and age, I do not find this value to be as common anymore. Now it's "hey look, check this out!" So when you share things, the mature thing to do is ASSUME hes going to show EVERYBODY! If you're ok with showing the world, let them see it. otherwise, DON'T DO IT! And if someone shows you somethign you find distasteful, you have the personal freedom to shrug it off and not look any longer than it takes to recognize what it is. You have one, you've seen at least one, and quite frankly, it's not THAT big of a deal. If anything, it's a mature person who can handle the sight of a vagina [or a penis] without getting upset, bent out of shape, excited, or even aroused by it. In short, if you're that mature, you simply don;treact to this sort of thing. because it's NOT that big of a deal, afterall! Link to comment
blackgnat Posted October 2, 2011 Author Share Posted October 2, 2011 @ delicous-I mentioned the threesome because I cannot see why he would be showing ME, a WOMAN, the photos. I have never expressed an interest in seeing this. We've never even all had a COFEE together! And now I get to see her vagina? You say a bf of yours showed nude pics of you to his best friend's boyfriend. Same gender, which suggests to me that he wanted bragging rights, if the pix were cute. Would you have felt differently if he had showed your pix to a female coworker? @ Lonewing-I DID look quickly and then realised what I was looking at and reacted very flatly to it. I DO have one, have seen one, etc and I don't consider myself getting bent out of shape. I simply wasn't expecting it, had never implied that I had any interest in it at all and again have to wonder what the motive was behind it. It's NOT the most standard thing to show a co-worker. Especially if it's not even your OWN manparts! It's your girlfriend's genitalia! If he had shown me a picture of his penis, I would have got a clearer message about what he wanted. Or why he did it. But to show me his gf's ladyparts was out of left field. Like I said, I THOUGHT he was going to show me pix of his child! Just saying... Link to comment
Lonewing Posted October 2, 2011 Share Posted October 2, 2011 Good point - I can understand your shock, then. Best thin gyouc an do is flatly tell him you;re not interested in that sort of thing. If he presses the issue, you have resources you can press back...LOTS of resources!! Link to comment
PhilliesFan001 Posted October 2, 2011 Share Posted October 2, 2011 I suspect this guy has shown that picture to some of his male buddies as bragging rights. The guy is revolting. While I do feel sorry for his gf for being publicly exposed in that way, I still feel that men and women who knowingly and willingly have naked and sexual photos taken of themselves are incredibly naive and lacking common sense and long-range thinking. They are just thinking in the moment. Is it really necessary to use this thread to voice your judgmental opinions? I don't think the OP was asking anything about the girlfriend's common sense, just how to deal with the creepy guy in question... And anyway, what do you care? Plenty of us have taken those pictures without any negative repercussions. If it's not for you, great, but don't knock those of us who enjoy it. Link to comment
delicous Posted October 2, 2011 Share Posted October 2, 2011 blackgnat: @ delicous-I mentioned the threesome because I cannot see why he would be showing ME, a WOMAN, the photos. I have never expressed an interest in seeing this. We've never even all had a COFEE together! And now I get to see her vagina? You say a bf of yours showed nude pics of you to his best friend's boyfriend. Same gender, which suggests to me that he wanted bragging rights, if the pix were cute. Would you have felt differently if he had showed your pix to a female coworker? Yeah I had no clue you were a female, I would definetly think he probaly A. wants a threesome B. wants to cheat and is trying to show you hes interested in you by showing you his sexual side CREEEEP....Yes, You should stay away from him and if you are really uncomfortable with being around him, get his butt fired, report sexual harrassement!!! Yes, I would freak out even more if it was to a female co-worker Link to comment
Perrin83 Posted October 2, 2011 Share Posted October 2, 2011 Is it really necessary to use this thread to voice your judgmental opinions? I don't think the OP was asking anything about the girlfriend's common sense, just how to deal with the creepy guy in question... And anyway, what do you care? Plenty of us have taken those pictures without any negative repercussions. If it's not for you, great, but don't knock those of us who enjoy it. I think you might be on to something here. Why are we so quick to assume that he's a creep. Maybe his girlfriend and him are voyeurs and they get a kick out of it? Maybe she knows what he's doing? Who knows. Either way, OP, if it makes you uncomfortable, tell him so and report him if it doesn't stop. Having conversation laced with sexual innuendo is a far cry from showing pornography in the workplace. Hope it helps! Link to comment
Lonewing Posted October 2, 2011 Share Posted October 2, 2011 Is it really necessary to use this thread to voice your judgmental opinions? I don't think the OP was asking anything about the girlfriend's common sense, just how to deal with the creepy guy in question... And anyway, what do you care? Plenty of us have taken those pictures without any negative repercussions. If it's not for you, great, but don't knock those of us who enjoy it. Your rather militant defensive stance suggests a disdain for those who do not appreciate such nonchalante flaunting of what many [or even most] would regard as a fiercely private subject. I think the previous quote is extremely good advice to heed...you haven't had bad luck...YET. Once it's out there, though, it's the sword of damocles until it falls...How long will the pictures last, is a great question... I still feel that men and women who knowingly and willingly have naked and sexual photos taken of themselves are incredibly naive and lacking common sense and long-range thinking. I don't even know if they're thinking in the moment... Link to comment
bob333 Posted October 2, 2011 Share Posted October 2, 2011 Sounds like immiturity, he'll do something innappropriate in the future and really come to regret it, he's just trying to big himself up, bit sad really. I'm not a prude, and seen much on my life, but there is a time and a place for certain things. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted October 2, 2011 Share Posted October 2, 2011 Your rather militant defensive stance suggests a disdain for those who do not appreciate such nonchalante flaunting of what many [or even most] would regard as a fiercely private subject. I think the previous quote is extremely good advice to heed...you haven't had bad luck...YET. Once it's out there, though, it's the sword of damocles until it falls...How long will the pictures last, is a great question... I don't even know if they're thinking in the moment... Exactly...at 25 it may feel like the really cool thing to do...but at 40, when it resurfaces and their teenage children and their friends see mom's genitalia in all its glory, I wonder if it will still have been a cool thing to do. Or...40 years old, in a very responsible job and these photos resurface so that the boss and colleagues end up seeing them. Will it still be something they look back on with pride. What many in the younger and even older generation don't seem to understand is that the world does indeed make judgements on how people advertise themselves. Potential bosses do indeed look at Facebook and other places on the internet to see how people portray themselves and whether or not they want someone like that in their organization. Link to comment
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