Is this stupid? Am I too young?

[Saures]

Me and my boyfriend have been together for 8 months.

 

I am 16, but for the past year and half there's nothing more I want to do than grow up tomorrow, have kids and get married.

Basically, the best thing that could happen to me is if I found someone who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

And I think I've found him.

Well, my only problem is, when I view someone else getting engaged at my age, which has happened a lot, it lasts about a month or two, and I feel everyone else claims them as "stupid".

But I've really thought out my life and I feel I am far more mature, I wouldn't rush into an engagement if I had doubts.

But I also would not tell anyone, because if it did end, how stupid and childish would I look...

 

My boyfriend has never been into marriage, but he will do it one day, according to him.

And he is very strict on his views and opinions and what he wants out of life.

He told me the other day that how we have been recently, makes him want to get engaged to me and he's seriously considering about asking me.

 

Its also now a very common joke in our relationship, say if he "lets me down" we'll joke about getting engaged to make up for it, if he really wasn't considering it, he would probably not joke around or join in with the jokes.

 

So my question is, do you think a person of my age is too young to get engaged? Start thinking about marriage having children? Or do you think that if its something you want, you should go for it, as you only live once?

[Lavender25]

I think you are too young to be thinking about stuff like that. I know that isn't the answer you want to hear, but if I think about who I am now and what my goals are and who I was back when I was 16... it's like being two completely different people.

 

When I was 16 I was dating my first boyfriend, wasn't sure where I wanted to go to college or what for, and was really only concerned about my immediate group of friends and how I fit in with them. My life was consumed with extracurricular activities like theater, I didn't have a job, and my relationship was really all I cared about.

 

My ex and I dated off and on for 7 years and we officially broke up 2 years ago. We both completely changed. I went to college for Biology, he went for music and then dropped out altogether. I got a job and discovered that I had a good work ethic. He worked for a while, got bored ,quit and took me for granted when we moved in together and I supported the both of us. My friends that I cared so much apart developed different interests, some got into drugs and didn't go to school and we all drifted apart. Now I'm looking at jobs on the other side of the country and all of those people from high school are married, some have babies, and they will never escape their small hometown.

 

Your next decade is going to be pivotal to who you become as a person. You will go through a lot of different experiences and meet people who will change you. I say don't rush into things that look like they are a big deal now when you'll look back on them later and realize that personal goals are more important.

[Capricorn3]

So my question is, do you think a person of my age is too young to get engaged? Start thinking about marriage having children?

To be brutally honest and blunt - YES, way too young (imo). I think it's the typical cutesy teen dreams that almost everyone goes through - it's a lovely romantic little fantasy and at age 16, it all seems so very very real and you cannot imagine for one second that it will not work out. It's cute and sweet and all that stuff.

 

Also, after reading your threads about your relationship with this particular guy, I would say a big definite NO, don't even thing about it! This relationship is far from healthy (imo).

 

You are still very very young and have so much growing up/maturing to do. Marriage and children are a HUGE responsibility and it's not just a matter of being engaged and getting married. One has to think about how to pay for a mortgage, insurance, raising children for the next 18 years etc etc. Would you be anywhere near being able to afford any of this at age 16-20? I highly doubt it, but that's just me.

[Betweenthebars]

I met, and dated, a 20 year old when I was 15. Was head over heels in love, endlessly thought about marrying him and having cute little babies. He broke up with me, we got back together when I was 19, married 2 months after I turned 20, and are very much in love. Been married about 13 months.

 

So obviously, I believe teens CAN feel real love, and it's normal to fantasize about weddings, but it's also very, very rare for people to marry their HS sweethearts - and it's even more rare that young marriages last.

[DylanNotorious]

I'm sorry but I'm on the view of everyone who would think this is a stupid idea.

 

Because it is stupid. Maybe talk about this when your in your 20's.

[OptomisticGirl]

There is nothing wrong with knowing what you want out of life - be it married and with children one day or going to college and starting a career or being a partier - nothing wrong with KNOWING what you want. But yes, at 16 you are too young to be engaged - and for it to be taken seriously. We all say this because we were all 16 year olds at one point and we all had those same teenage dreams.

[Deciduous]

Hi Saures,

 

I am so loathed to answer this email. I was sixteen once and in love. Here goes. Do not get in engaged. Here is why;

 

He told me the other day that how we have been recently, makes him want to get engaged to me and he's seriously considering about asking me.

 

Really? So when things are going great he wants to get in engaged? What happens when you go through the inevitable ups and downs of marriage. Unemployment. Lack of sex drive after you've had the first baby cut out of you, he works too many hours and you never see him, money is tight and you don't go out any-more, it all goes on the kids, etc, etc. What then? Does he simply decide that he no longer wants to be married? Or do you intend to be perfect in your long, illness free life until you are eighty.

 

 

My boyfriend has never been into marriage, but he will do it one day, according to him.

 

So even in his teenage years, when the rest of us are hopeful, loving and passionate with heart open with unconditional love - even then he is not into marriage. So he magically changes his mind. All his issues - and there must be some to be this cynical so young - magically disappear. You become like Bella and Edward in Twilight. He is going to change. Because people always fall in with our wishes.

 

Its also now a very common joke in our relationship, say if he "lets me down" we'll joke about getting engaged to make up for it,

 

Delightful. He lets you down. You both fantasicise how it will be perfect in future. He will never let you down when you get to the mythical day of engagement. No problems. No worries. No ADHD kids. It's all just perfect. Every-body is well behaved and perfect. In fact the baby changes his own diapers.

 

 

I understand that you are love. That part is real. You are in love and sometimes happy. Enjoy, enjoy, enjoy. Let the future take care of itself. Use contraception. Use contraception. Use contraception.

 

In the words of Paul Newman in Hud " Get all the fun you can out of sixteen, 'cause it sure wears out in a hurry."

 

He said it. So why fret about the future when you have a wonderful present to enjoy.

 

Deci

[Betweenthebars]

Oh sweetheart, nonono. I just realized I've read your older threads before. Please, I really don't think your boyfriend is someone you should ever consider spending forever with. He seems very immature, and selfish. first, find worth your time, affection, and love - and then, in a few years, people will give you less crap for being engaged or daydreaming about it.

[OptomisticGirl]

I just read through your old threads - yeah, this guy sounds like a real catch. You can do better OP.

[jenny_mcs]

In the past few weeks you have posted threads about

 

 

1. You can’t make him happy
   
2. You can’t engage in a real conversation
   
3. His lack of motivation in getting a job upsets you
   
4. You are needy, have trust issues and need to give him space
   
5. He’s selfish in your sex life
   
6. He doesn’t dedicate time to you
   

 

And that’s just from September! I don't think you are ready to be married or engaged. You are in a relationship that is very typical for your age- lots of drama and fighting and desperation. Just chill out and let thoughts of marriage take a back-burner. It sounds like you both have alot of growing up to do- which isn't a bad thing- you're still a teen!

[DylanNotorious]

She's acting desperate. These thoughts are desperate ones.

 

You need a new goal to focus on. Not this silly marriage stuff.

[Sm99]

Take it from someone whose first love proposed to them at 17, and who turned him down (though I wasn't ever sure it was the right thing to do at the time)--- YOU SHOULD WAIT.

 

Turning him down was the best decision of my life. It's only been 7 years since then but I am like a completely different person. There is no way we would have lasted even this long, let alone forever.

 

You may think you know what true love is and think that you have it-- great. But if its really true love, it can wait til you're a little older, cuz its not going anywhere. But chances are you will change so much in the coming years that you'll realize this isn't what you want.

[Seraphim]

Is it stupid for the future? No. Is it stupid for now? You betcha. The human brain is not even adult until it is around the age of 25. Can teenagers fall in love? Sure. But they also fall in love with another person every other week most of them. Also being a teenager the relationships they have are all do or die, the end of the universe. It is the hallmark of the adolescent brain.

 

The truth is anyone who gets married at 16 and has kids at 16 usually has a snowball's chance in hell of being successful at either because they do not have the tools necessary to make either work. They can not get the job or career necessary to provide for a family and need extensive family support. They do not have the relationship skills to make it work either. That is what being a teen is about, building your relationship skills with different kinds of people ( not that this means sex with all different people) but learning to relate to all different people so you know what you ACTUALLY like as opposed to what you THINK you like.

 

Also too people who marry pretty young also end up divorced because they are too frustrated, overwhelmed and lacking in abilities to make things work. If they survive beyond a few years they also divorce too because as their brain becomes adult they realize the person they are with does not have the qualities they want from a partner.

 

Dragging kids through such a fiasco is not fair. I know my parents married at 18 and were divorced by 24 leading their 2 kids through the shambles they made of a life.

 

Just think, there are feedings every 2 hours 24/7. There is formula and diapers to be bought......ever priced those out? Formula $48 a case for 12 cans. 12 cans does not last long. Diapers $28 for however many.....also does not last long. Do you have the money for medical visits? Baby's need a lot of them. Do you have money for baby shoes? I paid $75 for my son's first pair of walking shoes in 1998. Do you have money for baby clothes they grow out of those every few months too. Do you have the constitution to stay up all night with a SCREAMING sick baby or toddler when you are dead sick yourself?

 

Really, they are nice romantic dreams you have. Just keep them as dreams.

[alice34]

There is no rush for you to get married. Stay with the guy if he makes you happy. Try to make it work if you really want to. If you are still together when you've graduated from college, then consider it. There is no reason for you to get married at a young age.

[Deciduous]

There's the reality check right there. ^^^ This is how it is, Suares. Hand on heart are you truly ready for this? Once you've committed to those children, you do not get to hand them back. Look at the media. Which of our young popstar Mom's are making it work. Did Britney make it work? And she had the money to ease her path. Still got a divorce.

 

Unstable homes create unstable children. What of life's wisdoms do you feel ready to pass onto your children. What lessons have you learnt about life.

 

Deci

[tinkerbellkj]

Please listen to this OP! Victoria is absolutely right.

 

Btw, I spend about $150.00 on formula alone a month.

[smile2day]

This is a tough one, regardless how mature you are, i personally think 16 is way too young. Im in a relationship now and we broke up briefly because he thought he was too young and hes 21. I think you should wait, live your young life, it only happens once.

[Ariel85]

OP, you post about this guy every few days, and it's usually because of some disaster and reason to break up.

 

You are 16, in a long distance relationship with a guy who is 18 and doesn't work (nor want to), someone who you posted a few days ago about how you make each other miserable 50% of the time, etc.

 

Yeah, not only are you way too young, but this relationship is toxic.