Sm99 Posted September 10, 2011 Share Posted September 10, 2011 Hello all, Usually I'm pretty good at deciding what is best for my own relationships, but I'm really torn on this one. I have been dating my boyfriend for 3 1/2 years, and we have lived together for 2 years. We very rarely fight (initially we fought over some trust issues but have long since resolved things) and just really work well together. We used to spend every waking hour together, just doing nothing or playing video games or whatever... we have a lot of common interests so I never felt like I didn't get enough time with him. Over the past 6 months or so, I've started feeling really sad about how little time he wants to spend with me now. Maybe it's because I've stopped going out to bars and stuff as much as I used to... I am in a PhD program now and just don't have much time, and when I do have free time I like to relax at home. And it's not like I still expect him to spend every minute with me, I know that you can't sustain a relationship like that forever and even if you could it would be unhealthy. But now he goes out with friends every day after work and doesn't come home til late, sometimes not til the next morning on weekends, and I feel like I only get to see him because we happen to live together, not because he wants to spend time with me. I've talked to him about this before and told him I thought we might be growing apart, but he didn't want to even consider breaking up over it and we talked but didn't really get anywhere. He thinks my expectations are spending an unhealthy amount of time together, and he's not mean or disrespectful about it or anything, but he's not the type to be forced to spend time with me and I wouldn't want to force him anyway. I don't know what to do. I love him very much, both of us (and our families) expect that we will eventually get married. I'm also very close with his family, his sister has become my best friend, so even if I did decide I wanted to break up with him it would be a very messy breakup (as if there is such thing as a breakup that isn't messy). Sorry this is so long, I guess I've been rambling, but my question is-- the state of my relationship is making me sad, and I don't know what to do about it. Please help if you can offer any advice. Thanks. Link to comment
Princess123 Posted September 10, 2011 Share Posted September 10, 2011 Why not ask for a date night? Once a week you two have your night together. Whether that be home cuddling after dinner or going to a restaurant. It doesn't have to be a bar. Link to comment
Fudgie Posted September 10, 2011 Share Posted September 10, 2011 I agree with Princess. Start setting up date nights when you are free. Let me know beforehand so he can plan ahead. Link to comment
Brnshark Posted September 10, 2011 Share Posted September 10, 2011 I agree with date night. I have a set of friends that do it every friday night to keep things going in the right direction. It can even be afternoon lunch or movie night whatever just a designated time together. Link to comment
Princess123 Posted September 10, 2011 Share Posted September 10, 2011 My parents do, they have been married for decades! They have a date jar. They write random things they would like to do together, I think they even got some from a book. Once a week they pick something from the jar and do it! Link to comment
Sm99 Posted September 10, 2011 Author Share Posted September 10, 2011 The date night thing is a REALLY good idea and I think I will try it! However, my concern is... If we are so young (both 23), only been together 3 years, and no kids, and ALREADY we have to seek out creative ways to pull our relationship out of the doldrums... is this a bad sign? Will I be kicking myself when 10 years from now I'm tied to him by kids and a marriage and still have the same issues (probably worse though?) Link to comment
Fudgie Posted September 10, 2011 Share Posted September 10, 2011 It's not your age, it's that you've been in the relationship a long time with a routine. Everyone can get stuck in a routine. I think if you make an effort on the relationship, which all LTRs have to do at some point, you'll be a lot better off. Link to comment
Princess123 Posted September 10, 2011 Share Posted September 10, 2011 There are two ways to look at it. Either it works now and then it doesn't after a few years and you will be like oh heck. Or it will work out and things will be fine, I suppose that one is more rare. But the thing is you can't change people. With every relationship you have there will be set backs, there will be minor things. No relationship is perfect, you have to work on relationships everyday. You can't sit back and expect things to fix themselves or expect things to always go great. Link to comment
Oneironaut Posted September 10, 2011 Share Posted September 10, 2011 Three years seems to be a pretty common time for people to become settled into a routine, and lose some of the original "honeymoon" feeling. It's not necessarily a bad sign, just means the relationship needs a little work, as most do. And I think the Date Night idea sounds fantastic. Link to comment
DN Posted September 10, 2011 Share Posted September 10, 2011 Maybe it's because I've stopped going out to bars and stuff as much as I used to... I am in a PhD program now and just don't have much time, and when I do have free time I like to relax at homeBear in mind that you are the one who wants to change/has changed what was standard before. He could be posting something along the line of "Now my girlfriend is so busy all she wants to do is hang around at home instead of coming out with me and having fun like we used to. How can I get her to be more active and not so dull?" Link to comment
Oneironaut Posted September 10, 2011 Share Posted September 10, 2011 Bear in mind that you are the one who wants to change/has changed what was standard before. He could be posting something along the line of "Now my girlfriend is so busy all she wants to do is hang around at home instead of coming out with me and having fun like we used to. How can I get her to be more active and not so dull?" Very true, but seeing how she is working on a PhD, it seems like he should understand that things change, and mature couples who love each other should be able to adapt to changes and reach a compromise. It wouldn't be particularly fair of him to expect her to continue things as they were before, and also meet the needs of being in a highly demanding educational program. Link to comment
DN Posted September 10, 2011 Share Posted September 10, 2011 Very true, but seeing how she is working on a PhD, it seems like he should understand that things change, and mature couples who love each other should be able to adapt to changes and reach a compromise. It wouldn't be particularly fair of him to expect her to continue things as they were before, and also meet the needs of being in a highly demanding educational program.True but a compromise means both partners have to give a little. I don't see the OP being willing to do that but expecting him being the only one to change. Plenty of people manage to go out and have a social life as well as pursue a PhD. You can't expect a partner to give up theirs altogether because of your wants. Link to comment
delicous Posted September 10, 2011 Share Posted September 10, 2011 My relationship ended weeks after realizing this exact pattern. He could be feeling "smothered." I would give him his space. And when I say give him his space, I mean do for "YOU." Start working out more often then not, go to the families, friends house...Get out of the house regardless if you are tired, Id try to stay a little more busy and focus more on yourself than on him and what he is doing... Cook more often, clean more often, stay off of the computer unless its to do with work...Try to really get a hobbie going... Relationships grow apart but the healthy ones are able to survive even during spats like this because they are willing to take the sacrifices... Id definetly try keeping ur distance, but at the same time, still be sweet to him, but remain less chatty, let him do more of the talking and let him get stuff off his chest...Keep food coming though, that can motivate him to stay home if you cook a good hardy meal... I do think having a date or some type of outside of the house activity once a week or so may do good things, buuuut....I still stand behind my comments about giving him space even if its sacrificeing you to leave the house... The other thing I think you may both be neglecting is SEX..Make sure to have it at least 3x a week, if not more....lol I know you think Im joking but Im not...You need to make sure to keep him engaged and yourself engaged...sex is a good way to reconnect...watch some porn and re enact it....watch it away from him, get revved up for him aaaaaand POUNCE on him.... Link to comment
Sm99 Posted September 10, 2011 Author Share Posted September 10, 2011 Thanks all for the input. I do recognize that I am the one who has changed... but I think part of that has to do with getting older too. When we met we were both in college, went to frat parties, etc... my idea of having fun has changed a lot in a few years... but I feel like he's in the same place. I don't necessarily think that he is the problem here or that he should change... I just know it makes me sad and I shouldn't be in a relationship that makes me sad all the time, or where I have to force myself to go out with him and his friends just to see him... But I will definitely try the date night idea and I'll let everyone know how it goes. He is actually staying in tomorrow for a change so I'll get to see him. Link to comment
delicous Posted September 11, 2011 Share Posted September 11, 2011 I don't necessarily think that he is the problem here or that he should change... I just know it makes me sad and I shouldn't be in a relationship that makes me sad all the time, or where I have to force myself to go out with him and his friends just to see him... I agree, you should have to force yourself out with him every time he goes out, but every once in a while, I would def make an effort...Make him dinner, guys love food!...lol and put on some special music you and him are into, make sure to dress super sexy and get it on with him...Nothing says good night like good sex =) Link to comment
delicous Posted September 12, 2011 Share Posted September 12, 2011 *shouldn't have to, sorry...I made a typing error. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted September 12, 2011 Share Posted September 12, 2011 I would focus on making your time quality time. I agree with the date night. Or if the activity is a day time activity, adjust and do it during the day. During that time - do not answer calls from others, etc. I think that it is easy to say you are the one who is busy so he has plenty of time to do other things on his own and then be ready to spend time with you, but if your schedule is different every day or you study late into the night, he can't be expected to wait around. He can make plans with friends. However, I would personally have a problem if he is staying out til all hours all the time and even sleeping at friends houses. You should have the agreement that unless one of you is out of town, or traveling early in the morning with a friend, you always come home even if its 3 am. Because you live together and are in a relationship an the other one wil worry or its just courtesy. He is behaving more like roomies if he is doing that, though. On your end, I WOULD give him my full attention for awhile if he is home when you come home to catch up on your day instead of diving right into the books. Even if its 30 minutes or an hour. Having dinner together OR breakfast together makes you feel more connected. Link to comment
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