Help to understand where this situation stands would be appreciated

[NightLily]

I've made many mistake with the men I dated in the past and went through some abusive relationships (not all romantic). As a result, I have some difficulty judging people accurately. It is like a moving target where I fear I am being too harsh but in reality may be accepting of far too much. So, some input from others on how you would see this situation would be helpful.

 

I met a guy (in person) back in October and we had become long distance friends after that. Not terribly long ago we started to talk more and it became romantic. He wants a relationship with me but partly since we can't see eachother often I have remained single and tried to let things play out a bit first. There are some things he has done that seem a little worrisome to me though:

 

-there were details about his life that he had lied to me about. When I asked about it he disclosed the truth

-he has had some difficult things happen to him in the past, as we all have, or has some slightly more out there desires. I am very understanding and avoid being judgemental but when it comes to myself he seems to judge me and look down on me for things that people did to me years ago. The way he reacts to some extent makes me regret opening up to him as he did with me.

-the last time I spoke with him there must have been 20 things I did wrong in the course of the conversation. I started to feel attacked and like I am a bad person which is something I am totally unfamilar with. Generally speaking people get on with me very well and while I do some things wrong, I'm not used to so much negative feedback. Towards the end of this a girl friend who I haven't seen in forever texted me to let me know she would be in town the next day and so I started to text her back since it was late (while he was upset at me already). He got upset about me texting her while I was video chatting with him. This is a mistake I hardly ever make and so I was embarrassed and already feeling upset that I seemed to keep "messing up" so I sat back and covered my face in my hands. He then got upset that I wasn't saying I was sorry soon enough. When I told him I was trying to not cry he seemed to not care at first. I'm starting to wonder if he has a victim mentality.

-he tells me sexual details about his past even after I ask for no physical details.. he agrees and then seems to forget. If I tell him any details about previous relationships he seems to become upset and then tells me we shouldn't discuss it. He then brings it up again at a later point after saying we shouldn't.

 

We had been getting on very well and then things just recently started to take a turn. I'm not used to people assuming the worst of me or even being on the defensive with me. So, I am starting to wonder if this is really all me or if he is just way overly critical and will be damaging to my self esteem. I am definitely trying to take an honest step back and see if I am the cause of the problems though without placing all of the blame on myself (anybody who was in an abusive situation for a long time probably understands how this balance can be hard).

 

How would you react to these things? Should I see if he simmers down or if things will go back to how they were.. or should I just cut my losses and distance myself from him now?

[catfeeder]

All relationships being voluntary, their purpose is to bolster us and to help us keep ourselves lifted UP. A reasonable rule of thumb, especially when you don't own clarity about boundaries, is that anyone who puts you down or steps into the role of critic is someone to walk way from. Fast.

 

Even a good friend is not entitled to misuse feelings of familiarity to criticize you unless you ask (give permission) for frank assessment of something specific.

 

When past experiences have left you in a weakened state, your ability to 'backbone up' to identify and reject people who prey on vulnerabilities in others has been compromised. That's NOT the time to seek out new romantic relationships, it's the time to use a therapist, clergy or people who've proven themselves trustworthy to strengthen your understanding of unkind behaviors as unacceptable. Otherwise, you'll keep putting yourself in the path of people who are intolerable to healthy people--and they will seem 'usual' to you.

 

Cruelty of any kind is NOT usual. Healthy people do not engage with anyone who makes them feel lousy--it's unnecessary. With millions of people in the world, lowering your bar to allow cruelty into your life so you won't appear judgmental is not okay. It's the pivotal mistake that keeps getting you in trouble, and the only way out of that cycle is to break it.

 

Consider googling domestic violence support sites, read and learn, and even consider dialing one of the hotlines for referral to help that is local to you. You need support in learning what is acceptable and what is not. The guy you described? Not.

 

Head high, and we're here for you.

[cereza]

"So, I am starting to wonder if this is really all me or if he is just way overly critical and will be damaging to my self esteem." when u started to wonder this it means is time to get away from him. It sounds like he doesn't make u happy. The person ur with is supposed to make you feel beautiful, appreciated, cheer you up, want to see you happy all the time, and be very understanding and not care about your past since is the past. This guy doesn't seem like is that guy. PLease get away from him red flags listen to the red flags..there are many nice guys who u could date.

[wheelerdealer]

The person ur with is supposed to make you feel beautiful, appreciated, cheer you up, want to see you happy all the time, and be very understanding and not care about your past since is the past. This guy doesn't seem like is that guy. PLease get away from him red flags listen to the red flags..there are many nice guys who u could date.

 

This is spot on and something I'm just now realizing after my last relationship. You ask "Should I wait to see if things go back to how they were" I did this all of the time. I'd tell myself, "well it was sooo good during this time, I'm sure this rough patch will pass, if only she were like this..."

 

When someone shows you who they are, believe them... He sounds like he is playing sooooo many mind games that it's not even funny. Mostly it seems like he's projecting his own flaws onto you. I would just be careful. It doesn't sound like the relationship has progressed too far, maybe consider walking while it's still somewhat easy?

[greywolf]

In my experience, ignoring what my instincts were telling me has always turned out bad for me. There are times when I felt like something was wrong, I didn't know what, so I ignored because I thought that I must just be overreacting, that I was letting my insecurities get the best of me, that there must be a problem with me, and... each time I learned later that I had been right. Trust your gut.

[In the Dark]

After a whle people show their true colours.

 

Some people do lie to keep attention otherwise having the person they want to start to distance from them, then barely hear from them.

Sometimes being too honest keeps people from being interested in you.

The thing is no one is perfect.

 

Personally, since this incident has been recent, I would see if things simmer down.

Otherwise bail.

[Ms Darcy]

He's playing mind games and it will kill your self-esteem to keep interacting with him.

[Marah]

In my experience, ignoring what my instincts were telling me has always turned out bad for me. There are times when I felt like something was wrong, I didn't know what, so I ignored because I thought that I must just be overreacting, that I was letting my insecurities get the best of me, that there must be a problem with me, and... each time I learned later that I had been right. Trust your gut.

 

I can second this in my life, and I suspect it's true for a lot of people.

To thine own self be true.