Anushas Journal

[DN]

In my opinion when a man cares about his girlfriend or vise versa, they make sporadic contact, spend time with them because they want to without getting paid for that time, they introduce them to the important people in their lives, don't forget to charge their phones or disappear for a day or two and actually put effort into the relationship.

Anusha, it's a shame that this has to be pointed out to you. You already know this but are choosing to ignore it. That's not being smart.

[Anusha]

Anusha, it's a shame that this has to be pointed out to you. You already know this but are choosing to ignore it. That's not being smart.

 

Im not chosing to ignore it.It is just Im not so sure of that like most people here seem to be.And yes I wondered about that sometimes I admit(if he was with me just for the money) but I never seemed to get a conclusion.There were times I was pretty sure he didnt care but then something happened(he did or said something) that made me think otherwise.And every time I asked him about that he would say "No of course not,I do care about you".

[petite]

Actions speak louder than words.

 

Him saying "No, I do care' but actually taking money from you and only spending time with you when it suits him and when he needs something is not caring.

 

Let me ask you this Anusha. If you got sick, and ended up in hospital - do you think he would visit you every day, call you a few times a day and bring you flowers or just spend time with you because he wants to, and not because you call him or ask him to see you?

[LazyDaisy]

I find this really sad - You think you are smart, but you are willing to forget about any kind of future for yourself. You are happy with a low paying job and sharing a rental with someone just so you can get out of your house and spend what little you have on this guy. You only get one shot at life Anusha and I suspect when you are older you are going to look back at this time of your life with lots of regrets.

[Anusha]

Actions speak louder than words.

 

Him saying "No, I do care' but actually taking money from you and only spending time with you when it suits him and when he needs something is not caring.

 

Let me ask you this Anusha. If you got sick, and ended up in hospital - do you think he would visit you every day, call you a few times a day and bring you flowers or just spend time with you because he wants to, and not because you call him or ask him to see you?

 

Well he has the problem with his aunt so maybe he wouldnt be able to call and visit everyday but I think at least once he would go there yes.

[Anusha]

And if my parents havent pushed him away I could do a test and see what he does.Like I could tell him that from now on I would not give him money anymore and see if he still would want to continue meeting with me.

[ToF]

Yes, do that. Tell him you will no longer give him money.

[petite]

I'm sorry Anusha, but the aunt excuse is not good enough. He is a grown man, he has a child, if it was his mother I might be inclined to maybe (big maybe) believe the excuse, but only for so long.

 

Please stop blaming your parents. They are not the problem. Yes, what they did was not right because you are an adult, but you cant blame them for your relationship.

What's the point of having a relationship, in which you only see your boyfriend in a cafe or restaurant once or twice a week, whilst you pay for everything and on top give him money? What do you get out of that? You aren't happy. You haven't been happy even before your parents got involved because you were posting almost daily about issues.

 

Just tell him you won't be giving him any money from now on and see his reactions and actions after that.

[penelope13]

Yes, that's the best idea you ever had: tell him that you won't give him any more money, no matter for what!

[OptomisticGirl]

Sure but is up to me if I want to live with that or not.Is like those people that have relationships with people that has problems with drinking,drugs or phisical abuse.Some of them get out and look for better relationships while others chose to stay on the relationship.On the end is up to them and what they are prepared to deal with.Im aware of the problems on my relationship but even so I chosed to continue with it.

 

I find it very ironic you put yourself in the same category as people who are dependent on abusers. Very ironic.

[calichick007]

I'm sorry Anusha, but you are a very selfish person. Many people (including myself) have encouraged you to think of yourself more. Sometimes I still feel that way, but other times I doubt you really think of anything/anyone but yourself. You take advantage of your friends' kindness towards you so that you can give to this man. You're almost 30 years old, living off of your parents, but you don't feel obligated to contribute financially to the household in any way. During a time when they should be enjoying everything they've worked for, they are instead forced to care 100% for their very adult child. Not because you have any substantial limitations, not because you aren't able-bodied, not because you've fallen on hard times - but because you simply don't care about anything or anyone other than your constant need for validation/reassurance from men. Do you care at all about your parents' financial condition? Do you worry about the quality of their lives? Do you feel any guilt about lying to your friends to get money for this guy? A large part of me doubts that you care about anyone but yourself. I honestly don't even think you care about the guy. Any man who would be willing to give you a little attention could easily fill the role. There is an odd narcissistic component to all of this that I find difficult to reconcile with the obvious low self-esteem.

[Anusha]

I dont think Im selfish.Trust me if I could aford some other place to live I wouldnt be living here so it isnt like Im here by choice,I just have no other option.And I know I made some wrong things(like lieing to my friend about the money) but I dont think that makes me a bad person.All I want is to be happy and Im going after my happines(this relationship).Like I said before I have no other interests and hobbies plus I have a hard time finding things that satisfate me,so I look for that on relationships.Is just on relationships that I can experience anything close of happines.

[calichick007]

I dont think Im selfish.Trust me if I could aford some other place to live I wouldnt be living here so it isnt like Im here by choice,I just have no other option.And I know I made some wrong things(like lieing to my friend about the money) but I dont think that makes me a bad person.All I want is to be happy and Im going after my happines(this relationship).Like I said before I have no other interests and hobbies plus I have a hard time finding things that satisfate me,so I look for that on relationships.Is just on relationships that I can experience anything close of happines.

 

It is by choice, Anusha. You really need to stop blaming everyone else and playing the victim. You are almost 30 years old, reasonably intelligent, and healthy, as far as I know. People with less resources and support than you have manage to make it on their own. The little money you could be saving, you spend on this man - even though he makes more than you do. You've ruined your credit for him. And you said yourself that you've QUIT jobs because you don't feel like working at night or on weekends, etc. Many people aren't 100% satisfied with their job and everything that comes with it. But most adults do what they have to do to take care of themselves and make ends meet. Your circumstances are a direct result of your own poor choices and your poor work ethic. I'm not saying you're a bad person, but I do believe that you think only of yourself and have little regard for how your actions affect those around you. Not liking to work at night or on weekends is not a good excuse to mooch off your parents. And instead of being grateful that they take care of you, you threaten not to speak to them again. A lot of parents wouldn't even think of supporting someone your age. You should be thanking your lucky stars that your parents still take care of you, especially considering you've used their money and exploited their credit over this man the way you have.

[Anusha]

Im just too much angry and hurt at them right now.They took away the only thing I had.You dont know how my life is,it is like a empty board.No friends,no hobbies,no interest,no goals.The only thing I had was this relationship.That was the only thing I knew with all my heart that I wanted.I dont know which career to follow,Im not sure of my hobbies but that I knew.My life before this relationship consisted pretty much on going to work than back home for some tv/computer and I lived like that for years.And even though this relationshop has problems,he showed me how to have fun(how to actualy live).So now I cant stand going back to how it was before.I just feel so empty right now.

[calichick007]

Again, those issues are related to choices you've made. You also posted in this thread that you have friends who attempt to reach out to you, but that you usually don't reach out or return their calls. You've posted before angry that one of your friends wouldn't ditch her bf to hang out with you, yet it appears that you shut your friends out to focus on this man. If you feel isolated from your friends, it's because you've chosen to isolate yourself. If you have no hobbies, it's because you've chosen not tomake the effort to cultivate any. Your life revolves around men. I can't even say this man, because it's not about him. You totally focus your life on whatever man you can find to fill the void. Your personal relationships, your work life, any attempts to develop hobbies and interests fall by the wayside. And again, it's not even about the men... it's about your own need for validation and male attention, however you can get it. It will never make you happy, Anusha. This guy doesn't care for you, and people have given you about 5000 examples of that. But even assuming you found a man who DID really care for you, you could break up. You could marry and divorce. God forbid, he could die and leave you behind. What then??? No relationship is ever 100% guaranteed. At some point you will have to learn to depend on yourself. If (again, God forbid) something happened to your parents tomorrow, how would you survive? Could you take care of yourself? Does that thought even frighten you? You really need some professoinal help. You've been saying for years that you'd get some, but I don't think you're convinced that you have a problem.

[greywolf]

Yeah I know that would mean I would have less money to give him but at least I would be out of here.Seriously I cant stand all that.Im so angry and hurt at my parents for that I cant even describe in words.I just feel like they ruined my life and took out the only happy thing I had.And all I want is my life back how it used to be until last week.

 

The difference is that your mother is an adult who is not dependent on other people and she can do whatever she wants.

[Anusha]

The difference is that your mother is an adult who is not dependent on other people and she can do whatever she wants.

 

She is dependent on my father.

[penelope13]

You really have no life to speak of, because you chose not to develop one. If you want friends - go out and meet people, interact with them, treat them with respect and interest.

 

If you want a different job - invest into a career. If you have trouble deciding what it is that you want - start online. There are so many resources that you can use in order to figure out what it may be you could like.

 

You want to live by yourself - realize this requires money. I already suggested that you should consider making a budget. Of course you never even responded to that post, because it wasn't about feeding your obsession.

 

You complain that nobody understands - so many people continue to give you excellent advice and you are truly reacting like a spoiled ungrateful child who doesn't get a pony, but who is incapable to understand the depth behind the advice.

 

You keep repeating the same point: you want happiness. He is the only way that is possible, anyone who doesn't support you in this is an enemy.

 

You are your own worst enemy - and it seems that you are actually proud of continuing on your path of destruction.

 

Sorry to be harsh, but any niceties and trials to reason with you have been fruitless because you are choosing not to switch on your brain.

[Anusha]

Maybe I do focus too much on relationships but is because is only trough them that I can feel happiness.I mean sure I feel it on other things too like a job I like or friends or any activite I enjoy but isnt the same.Is like while on relationships I can feel 100% happy on other things I just get like 50%.And about therapy,isnt that Im not convinced that I have a problem is just Im not convinced it will make any diference.I have done therapy before(on and of for years even) and nothing much big changed.

[princess5]

You should be down on your knees giving thanks to your parents. Do you know how many people out there who would die to have parents like yours? Who put a roof over your head, food on your table and so much love ( even though you are so blind you cannot even see that right now). Your dad was absolutely right to do what did, what he did was FOR YOUR GOOD. You know that in your heart and soul but cannot admit it to yourself. Go out there and get a life for yourself. Do it, before its too late.

[LazyDaisy]

Maybe I do focus too much on relationships but is because is only trough them that I can feel happiness.I mean sure I feel it on other things too like a job I like or friends or any activite I enjoy but isnt the same.Is like while on relationships I can feel 100% happy on other things I just get like 50%.And about therapy,isnt that Im not convinced that I have a problem is just Im not convinced it will make any diference.I have done therapy before(on and of for years even) and nothing much big changed.

 

The reason for this is because while you are focused on the relationship it takes the focus off of your life. Its a temporary distraction. Relationships will come and go but you will always be you. So you have to get rid of the distractions, focus on your life without a man - then when you are happy with just that - then you can add a man. In order to have good relationships you have to first be a good partner. A good partner is already happy and complete.

[ToF]

Anusha, how can you expect someone to love you if you don't first love yourself?

 

You aren't happy just being on your own. As much as you may try to hide that fact, it is painfully obvious to any partner you may have. Until you do whatever it is (school, career, hobbies, etc) that will make you happy on your own, you will not be successful in relationships.

 

Do you understand?

[princess5]

Are we allowed to say that on this forum? Anusha, it really seems that the only person you care about is yourself. Your parents are working hard to support you and give you all the love you need... what do you give them in return? You are taking their money and making them really unhappy. Who do you think cares the most about you in the whole world? If you got sick who would look after you? Would your "boyfriend"? Think about it. You might regret the way you are treating them, all because of a man who does not care for you ONE BIT. Please please, wake up. I know you are not going to listen to this, but it is worth a shot, seeing as thoguh you refuse to get counsellng.

[DN]

Moderator Note: Please keep posts respectful. This is not the first time we have had to ask that.

[thejigsup]

When you learn to truly love yourself, you will see that you do not need a relationship with a guy to make you feel complete, you willl get that from yourself. Your parents are trying to get you to do that, really, that is all they want for you. Of course, that is up to you and I do wish you the best. Keep growing and learning and it will come.