Anushas Journal

[OptomisticGirl]

Yes,but right now I so wish that I didnt.But unfortunaly I cant aford to live on my own.

 

Why are you just giving money away then if you want live on your own? Do you not see that you throwing money away on this man is making it so you CAN'T move out?

[Anusha]

Why are you just giving money away then if you want live on your own? Do you not see that you throwing money away on this man is making it so you CAN'T move out?

 

Even if I didnt throw it away with my salary isnt possible to move out.At least not without saving it for like 10 years or more.

[DN]

You were trying to be but you aren't.

 

Anusha, I think it is time that you looked within yourself for your happiness. It seems to me that you are depending on this guy to provide it for you and that isn't going to happen. Even if he were not taking advantage of you financially, even if he didn't mistreat you, and even if he did really care about you, your happiness has to come from within.

 

That means you need to respect yourself and I see no evidence that you do because if you did you would not have so many pages of this journal with the 'rinse and repeat' cycle that is frankly getting you nowhere.

 

What three things do you most admire about yourself?

[Anusha]

You were trying to be but you aren't.

 

Anusha, I think it is time that you looked within yourself for your happiness. It seems to me that you are depending on this guy to provide it for you and that isn't going to happen. Even if he were not taking advantage of you financially, even if he didn't mistreat you, and even if he did really care about you, your happiness has to come from within.

 

That means you need to respect yourself and I see no evidence that you do because if you did you would not have so many pages of this journal with the 'rinse and repeat' cycle that is frankly getting you nowhere.

 

What three things do you most admire about yourself?

 

To be happy by myself I need to know what I want but I dont know that.I have a problem that Im always unsastified with things,for example I think I want right but once Im there I want out and think that left looks better but once Im on left Im not happy and want something else.I had 4 jobs on the past 7 months and on all of them I could find something wrong.Either it was the work times,having to work on weekends,the salary,the job itself.I dont have any career dreams or hobbies.The only thing I can say for sure that makes me happy(when is going good) are relationships.

 

And the things I admire on myself are that I think Im hard worker,friendly and smart.

[DN]

hard worker,friendly and smart.

OK. that's positive and those traits will get you far if you use them the right way. Taking those three in order -

 

Do you have a career in mind that you could work towards?

 

Do you have a social network of friends?

 

Do you think it is smart to keep trying to do something over and over that isn't working for you?

[Anusha]

Do you have a career in mind that you could work towards?

 

Do you have a social network of friends?

 

Do you think it is smart to keep trying to do something over and over that isn't working for you?

 

No I dont know what I want to do as career.I tried Biology,Tourism and Languages before but never went much far on them or found the one I really wanted.I also dont have a college degree,all I have is a high school degree(what allows me to get only low paid jobs).

 

I have some few good friends but I dont have much contact with them.We call each other(they call me more often to be honest) and is pretty much that.We dont get to meet often.

 

And no I dont think is smart but I dont know what else to do.All Im trying to do is to have a good relationship and I dont get why it has always to be all that hard.

[DN]

Some suggestions for you:

 

Do some research into a career that you think you might like and maybe even volunteer if you can to get some insight. Then check out whether you can go back to school full-time or part-time, university or college courses - even evening courses. something to get you on a career track. Remember that few jobs are completely problem free.

 

Try joining a social activity that will get you out and about and meet new people. I belong to a theatre group for instance (you don't have to act) and it is a great way to make new friends and join new social circles. I have lost count of the number of people who met their partners in our group.

 

Don't do things you know aren't smart even if you don't know what else to do. You know this relationship (which really isn't a relationship) isn't working for you and it isn't smart to try and make it something it isn't. No matter how hard you try it won't work because he doesn't want a relationship with you. You are smart so you know that but you don't want to admit it because you don't like the alternative. Use your smarts and make a new alternative - which is to send this guy on his way and go look for someone who wants what you want and won't take advantage of you (see paragraph above for one way to do that) - Smart people do smart things - but you already know that - right?

[Anusha]

Thanks DN,I apreciate your post.Something I dont get is why you(and most people here) seem to be so sure that he doesnt care for me? Just because he takes money from me?

[OptomisticGirl]

He doesn't just take money from you Anusha, he just doesn't respect you. He doesn't call you unless he needs something, he doesn't stay in touch unless he knows your giving him something... the list goes on and on.

[DN]

Thanks DN,I apreciate your post.Something I dont get is why you(and most people here) seem to be so sure that he doesnt care for me? Just because he takes money from me?

It's not just money. he takes but he doesn't give (other than breadcrumbs to keep you around)

 

IMO he has a number of character flaws that means you won't be able to have a meaningful and balanced relationship with him. You need to work on yourself in terms of self-confidence, self-respect and self-motivation. All of these things you are perfectly capable of doing but not while this guy is a millstone around your neck.

[LazyDaisy]

Well Im sorry but I dont think that is a good thing at all.It is my life so I should be able to make my own choices and decide who will be on my life by myself.And not passively watch while somebody else(in this case my parents) do it for me.I not even knew about this whole thing until after it was done,my dad not even let me know or talked with me before calling him.It was only when I called my guy to know if we would be able to meet that day that I got to know the whole thing.It is the first weekend without him but Im already hating all that.

 

As long as you are living with your parents and they are paying the bills it will never be YOUR life. Even if you are 50. As long as they pay the bills they have some say over what you do.

[Anusha]

As long as you are living with your parents and they are paying the bills it will never be YOUR life. Even if you are 50. As long as they pay the bills they have some say over what you do.

 

I see that,that is why I cant wait to get out here.Im hating this weekend so much and I only have them to thank for that.I could be out with my guy having fun right now(like we did last saturday) and instead Im stuck inside this house being bored to death.Seriously you have no idea how much it sucks.

[LazyDaisy]

I see that,that is why I cant wait to get out here.Im hating this weekend so much and I only have them to thank for that.I could be out with my guy having fun right now(like we did last saturday) and instead Im stuck inside this house being bored to death.Seriously you have no idea how much it sucks.

 

You are missing the point. You only have YOURSELF to thank for YOUR life. Stop blaming others. Take control of your own life. Why do you have to stay in and be bored to death? Call some friends and go out. Or go out alone, go for a walk, go to the library and research careers. Do something. You are the one that is choosing to sit in the house.

[Anusha]

You are missing the point. You only have YOURSELF to thank for YOUR life. Stop blaming others. Take control of your own life. Why do you have to stay in and be bored to death? Call some friends and go out. Or go out alone, go for a walk, go to the library and research careers. Do something. You are the one that is choosing to sit in the house.

 

I guess I will do that and go out for a walk.I just feel like if I stay here for one more minute I will go crazy.I just hope that my parents dont think that Im sneaking out to meet him(they said they would watch me out).

[penelope13]

You won't believe it now, but your parents are doing you a favor by keeping you away from him. He is not good for you. Simply for the fact that despite this relationship (something if it is correct should give you energy for the rest of your life) you have had no motivation to take charge of your own life and your own growth and development.

 

As DN pointed out, smart people make smart choices. Thus you should know that each dollar (or whatever currency) can only be spend once. If your goal is to move out of your parents and to become an independent adult you have to save towards it. Start reading up on how to budget your money. Depending on your salary (regardless how much it is) identify what your personal needs are (commuting to work, education, food), and define a percentage that you want to save towards your personal goals. Then you will know how much you can afford to spend on fun things and on financing a 'boyfriend'. Each time you spend money on something that is not according to your budget make yourself aware (tell yourself), if I spend x money on his car, that means I have to live y months longer with my parents.

 

Start becoming aware of the consequences of your decisions and start to own up that it is a personal choice that you make each and every day.

 

As to not having found the right career: yes, sometimes it can be difficult to find something that you really enjoy doing. However, an essential skill to develop is persistency in the face of challenges. Sticking through something is a truly sought after skill. Life can be hard, for everyone. However, if you can show to yourself and others that you don't give up easily, i.e at the first sign of things not being as perfect and easy as you would like them to be, you will have a much easier time finding jobs as well as having healthy relationships.

 

Yes, relationships can be hard. But you are making it harder on yourself than it has to be by staying with someone who doesn't truly make you happy - that would be someone who lessons your anxiety, rather than triggers it.

 

The longer you stay in the wrong relationship, the more you are keeping yourself from finding the someone who would want to make you happy.

[truegrit]

Since you have time on your hands now, why don't you go find a part time second job for weekends and maybe evenings. It will keep you busy so you aren't able to think so much about him and also help build up some savings so you can move out.

[ToF]

I see that,that is why I cant wait to get out here.Im hating this weekend so much and I only have them to thank for that.I could be out with my guy having fun right now(like we did last saturday) and instead Im stuck inside this house being bored to death.Seriously you have no idea how much it sucks.

 

Anusha, this sounds like it was written by a 13 year-old who has just been grounded by her parents. I know you are older and smarter than that, so don't lower yourself to that level.

 

Sure, they may have stopped you from seeing him, but they are not forcing you to sit around the house and mope. YOU are choosing to do that. Why not do something constructive with this weekend, rather than sitting around and complaining?

 

Read DN's post again. He gave you some amazing suggestions. You're on the computer a lot - Google some things you may be interested in, and see which schools offer programs in those subjects. Or just go to the website of your local community college, and try to enroll part-time in any classes. You need a degree for a higher-paying job, right? So get a degree! Whining about your boyfriend is not going to get you anywhere. Going back to school and finding a job, will.

[Anusha]

Well they treat me like a 13 year old so I cant help feeling like that.Seriously whose parents decide who his daughter can date nowdays? And I just got back from a walk,I feel better now.It is amazying how just geting out here can make such a diference.

[Anusha]

I just want to be able to make my own choices and decisions.It is my life so is up to me how I live it(or at least should be).My parents have the right to not like it or not agree with my decisions but not to live my life for me.I dont agree with a lot of things they do too but even so I just respect is up to them and dont go interfering like they do with me.Even though I know they mean well I cant help thinking that they crossed the line here.

[ToF]

Well they treat me like a 13 year old so I cant help feeling like that.Seriously whose parents decide who his daughter can date nowdays? And I just got back from a walk,I feel better now.It is amazying how just geting out here can make such a diference.

 

If taking a walk made you feel so much better, imagine how much better you'd feel if you were going to school and working toward building a career?

 

Why not do that, Anusha?

[Anusha]

If taking a walk made you feel so much better, imagine how much better you'd feel if you were going to school and working toward building a career?

 

Why not do that, Anusha?

 

I cant aford that and is no way I will be asking my parents for money,Im not even talking to them right now.

[ToF]

Have you researched options for financial aid? Many colleges offer financial aid to those who can't afford classes on their own.

 

If that doesn't work, would you consider getting a second job? You say you want to leave your parents' house so badly, but you are doing nothing to achieve that goal.

[Anusha]

Have you researched options for financial aid? Many colleges offer financial aid to those who can't afford classes on their own.

 

If that doesn't work, would you consider getting a second job? You say you want to leave your parents' house so badly, but you are doing nothing to achieve that goal.

 

Finiancial aid wont work cause they look for the family income and my dad makes enough money to pay for it so they wont acept it.And I work from 8:30 to 18:30 so I dont have avaliable time for another job(unless I work until after midnight but that wouldnt let me enough sleep and I need that since I wake up at 6am for work).

[Anusha]

All I wanted was that my parents wouldnt interfere on my life and that I could continue having the life I had until last week.Seriously,I was much more happier.

[ToF]

So save your money, Anusha. Spending your money on anyone right now, (not just this guy) would only keep you in your parents' house longer. Do you understand that?

 

And I don't know how old you are, but I'm sure it's probably time that you move out of their house anyway, right? Use that as motivation.