Almost killed myself while abroad. Locked door prevented it..

[Bluesman89]

I was in Spain with family for the last two and a half weeks. I was miserable, had nothing to do, and drank very frequently while there.

 

One night I got very drunk (even though I dont recall drinking a whole lot). Well I got suicidal thoughts that night, which is not out of the norm for me. Anyway I was becoming increasingly angry and I started fantasizing about jumping off the roof of the apartment.. Eventually I left my room and headed up to the top of the building. I remember feeling very determined, but when I got to the door to the roof, it was locked.. So I basically just went down one floor and stared out a window letting my thoughts run wild for hours.. It was just relaxing..

 

Then eventually my father found me, and caught on quite fast what my intentions were. My parents were trying to get my to call a helpline right there or ring my therapist but I wouldn't have it.. I was pissed off and wanted to be left alone. I just wanted to vomit and sleep..

 

Will this happen again. Probably. It's not like anything is changing for me, or is going to.

[annie24]

Have you considered going to therapy and getting on some medication? It sounds like a therapist could really help you.

[Bluesman89]

It might 'sound like it', but they cannot, and have not been able to help me after being in therapy for near a decade.

 

Very little can help me, aside from some cosmetic surgery perhaps (which I can't afford). Though even that has it's limitations (would provide a minor self esteem boost at most).

[penelope13]

FOr therapy to work, you have to go in with an open mind and being totally and completely honest about everything.

 

Please consider this option! It may turn your life around. It's great that your parents are supportive, so please take advantage of that as well.

[annie24]

It might 'sound like it', but they cannot, and have not been able to help me after being in therapy for near a decade.

 

Very little can help me, aside from some cosmetic surgery perhaps (which I can't afford). Though even that has it's limitations (would provide a minor self esteem boost at most).

 

you have to understand that you have a disease that needs to be treated. i agree, you have to go in with an open mind, take medication, and work on getting better.

[FathomFear]

Blues, so sorry to hear that you going through more rough times. I thought after seeing some recent threads from you that things had gotten better.

 

Can you pinpoint in your mind what it would take for you to be "happy"? ie, if you could wave a magic wand right now and change five things about your life, what would they be? What is actually standing between you and being content? I ask because I'm curious whether your despair is actually rooted in tangible problems or more psychological in nature.

[Bluesman89]

Blues, so sorry to hear that you going through more rough times. I thought after seeing some recent threads from you that things had gotten better.

 

Can you pinpoint in your mind what it would take for you to be "happy"? ie, if you could wave a magic wand right now and change five things about your life, what would they be? What is actually standing between you and being content? I ask because I'm curious whether your despair is actually rooted in tangible problems or more psychological in nature.

I have learned that the good things never last for me. I am denied what so many people in this world have with ease and take for granted. On the rare occasion when things seem to be looking up for me, it's always too good to be true. It feels like life just plays nasty tricks on me. And the outcome of my recent thread about that girl is a perfect example of that. She is now in a relationship with a guy, just weeks after returning home (she had previously told me she wasn't ready for one).

 

I just want a relationship. That would make me happy, and allow me to focus on building other aspects of my life which I have put on hold. But it seems I will always be second best and inferior.

[annie24]

what I have to say to that is that you are young and everyone has suffered from a broken heart, at one point or another. it's a universal human experience. not trying to minimize what you feel - on the contrary - i think we've ALL been there, felt hurt, rejected, discarded. but you just have to get right back up, realize that there's 3 billion other women on this planet, and one of them is bound to be a better match for you.

 

i think you would also be in a better position to get into a relationship if you deal with your internal problems.

[chitown9]

Keep in mind that alcohol is a depressant, so not a good thing for you to be drinking...

[ApocalypseDreams]

I have learned that the good things never last for me. I am denied what so many people in this world have with ease and take for granted. On the rare occasion when things seem to be looking up for me, it's always too good to be true. It feels like life just plays nasty tricks on me.

 

Bluesman, I've seen a few of your threads and posts now and I relate to alot of what you say.

 

I definitely feel you on this as this is true for me too. Everything good in my life is very short lived. Relationships for me are something that generally blows up in my face or just hurts me. I've had a couple now and sometimes I wonder why I would even want one. I get a taste of happiness and then it ends...back to struggling with the uphill battle. It does get you down when everyone around you seems to be breezing through life. Life appears so easy for some.

[FathomFear]

I have learned that the good things never last for me. I am denied what so many people in this world have with ease and take for granted. On the rare occasion when things seem to be looking up for me, it's always too good to be true. It feels like life just plays nasty tricks on me. And the outcome of my recent thread about that girl is a perfect example of that. She is now in a relationship with a guy, just weeks after returning home (she had previously told me she wasn't ready for one).

 

I just want a relationship. That would make me happy, and allow me to focus on building other aspects of my life which I have put on hold. But it seems I will always be second best and inferior.

 

I understand how you feel, but at the same time I am sure you appreciate that people who find relationships with relative "ease" usually strike out multiple times before they find someone they gel with. I suspect a big part of your problem relates to the frequency at which you're putting yourself out there, so to speak. It's just like anything else. I have a coworker who seems to stay in tip top shape so easily, but I know for a fact that he's dedicated and persistent when it comes to his workout regime. It's just the attitude you need to have if you're going to achieve success. Only rare exceptions will hit the jackpot with just a few stabs at something.

[Bluesman89]

I can't put myself out there. I walk down the street with my eyes on the pavement.. Sometimes I can't even leave the house during the day, and if I make the effort to dress well or even somewhat decent, I walk around displaying an even more awkward aura as I feel like a frog in a tuxedo.

 

When that girl gave me all that attention recently I was doing fine. Walking straight, and no issues leaving the house.. Then when that (inevitably) collapsed I pretty much lost hope.

[annie24]

I don't know if this makes you feel better or not, but most of us have been dumped/broken up with/had our love interest choose someone else, etc... it sucks and it hurts, but life goes on. you cry, you get upset, but then you just have to pick yourself up and go on. like i said - there are 3 billion women on this planet, she was not your 'last chance.'

[ApocalypseDreams]

Bluesman, have you been diagnosed with or do you think you might have social anxiety?

[Bluesman89]

^ I have never been officially diagnosed with it, but I yes, I can say with certainty that I have social anxiety.

[ApocalypseDreams]

You should consider group therapy for social anxiety then, if it is available to you. Last year I did a 12 week group therapy course in social anxiety and it really did wonders for me socially. It changed how I thought about how I was perceived and once that happened I became more comfortable and less awkward. I have come a long way from having panic attacks to holding my own at parties. The course I did was very practically orientated too, which is good because I've failed alot with therapists and counselors because sometimes it all seems a bit too wishy washy.

 

Maybe you could visit a GP and give it a try?

 

It's just, from what you said in my thread, you sound content with some of the other aspects of your life, have some talents and going by your picture in your avatar you're not a bad looking bloke. Maybe this is something you can turn around if you can overcome the social anxiety? It would be a shame if you didn't challenge that, you would never know what could of been.

 

I get you when you say that you were feeling confident and on top of the world when a girl gave you attention. I'm like that too. I seem to become a better person allround when I have someone. More confident, more motivated, more composed and more positive. It's annoying (and condescending) when people who are in or are clearly successful in relationships tell you that you have to work on yourself more or that you have to learn to love yourself more or anything else. I'd like to see how they would feel if it was taken away from them.