How to heal yourself with love and gratitude in your heart

[dabbledave]

Hi all,

 

It strikes me that all I have discovered on my journey of self-recovery and self-discovery since my BU three months ago this guy says very well:

 

"Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned." -- Buddha

 

"Those who are free of resentful thoughts surely find peace." -- Buddha

 

"You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection." -- Buddha

 

"Let us rise up and be thankful, for if we didn't learn a lot today, at least we learned a little, and if we didn't learn a little, at least we didn't get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn't die; so, let us all be thankful." -- Buddha

 

"One thought leads to heaven, one thought leads to hell." -- Buddha

 

"Be vigilant; guard your mind against negative thoughts." -- Buddha

 

"All that we are is the result of what we have thought. The mind is everything. What we think we become." -- Buddha

 

"It is wrong to think that misfortunes come from the east or from the west; they originate within one's own mind. Therefore, it is foolish to guard against misfortunes from the external world and leave the inner mind uncontrolled." -- Buddha

 

"All that we are is the result of what we have thought. If a man speaks or acts with an evil thought, pain follows him. If a man speaks or acts with a pure thought, happiness follows him, like a shadow that never leaves him." -- Buddha

 

"Those who really seek the path to Enlightenment dictate terms to their mind. Then they proceed with strong determination." -- Buddha

 

"It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell." -- Buddha

 

"We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts, we make the world." -- Buddha

 

"Let the wise guard their thoughts, which are difficult to perceive, extremely subtle, and wander at will. Thought which is well guarded is the bearer of happiness." -- Buddha

 

"As irrigators lead water where they want, as archers make their arrows straight, as carpenters carve wood, the wise shape their minds." -- Buddha

 

So many Buddha quotes like that. And just as I believe it's a personal journey one must take, this:

 

"My doctrine is not a doctrine but just a vision. I have not given you any set rules, I have not given you a system." -- Buddha

 

"Work out your own salvation. Do not depend on others." -- Buddha

 

Brilliant stuff.

 

Cheers,

 

DD

[dabbledave]

Haven't been here for a while. Got a nice PM from an ENAer whose story I've been following.

 

The update I shared with him I'm happy to share with you all:

 

I'm doing good! Throwing myself into the new business.

 

Still think about my ex-fiance heaps; there's always mixed feelings about her and what happened. But with time, my assessment of her and what happened has become more rational and realistic.

 

The relationship was poisoned a long time ago due to a misperception on her part. It's a shame we never had the conversation we had the night before I left [her new country of work] -- MONTHS ago!

 

Things happen for a reason. If we hadn't broken up, I wouldn't be here running with this new business idea, which is potentially VERY lucrative, but which I had dropped to follow her to [new country].

 

My heart over-ruled my hip-pocket then; that's the sort of guy I am. She's going to miss out on the new improved me.

 

Now I have a new, more focussed direction in terms of work/business, even as I've been cut off from what WAS a beautiful relationship.

 

I went to view a studio condo apartment for rent this morning; fully furnished, gym and pool facilities, in the centre of town, near the diverse nightlife of [my new city]. I liked it. If the landlord meets my counteroffer, I'll take it!

 

So, swings and roundabouts. The important things to remember are: life is as good as you make it, and you are what you think.

 

Cheers,

 

DD

[Carus]

Good post DD*

 

Good to sse you pushing forward...

 

Reading about famous people on Wikipedia helped me to realise that we can still achieve great things despite the pain*

 

Ever Forward

Carus* 8-)

[dabbledave]

I've had a rough couple of days to be honest.

 

Business is going swimmingly well so far. Great feedback. We're confident of launching our website locally in a few weeks with a lot of buzz surrounding it.

 

However, the part of the world I'm in experienced heavy rains over the weekend. The condo building I moved into only last Tuesday suffered due to water flooding the basement carparks. Electrics went off for a few days as a result, so property management shifted residents to hotels in the area. So only four nights after thinking I could finally stop living out of a backpack and/or a suitcase, I had to pack some stuff and hit the road again!

 

Today I was able to move back into my new "home".

 

However, over the last couple of days I slipped back into old habits of feeling sorry for myself. And then naturally I thought of my ex and wondered what she was doing. And that progressed into a sort of depressed, abandoned, isolated feeling. Basically I've been binging on self-pity and constant thoughts of her for the last couple of days.

 

And as we all know very well: it's horrible!

 

So I'm revisiting the proactive techniques of gratitude, emotional awareness, self-love, and self-affirmation described throughout this thread that took me from serious depression two months ago to the verge of business success today.

 

The world is my oyster, folks! And while I would love to be able to share it with a woman worthy of me, she will just have to wait.

 

Take care, be strong, be aware, be mindful, be cool my friends!

 

DD

[lemsip]

Good to hear you're getting back on your feet after a rough few days, Dave.

 

I've been feeling the same. I keep getting hit with overwhelming periods of numb, accute aloneness and it's absolutely horrible. I think it's the stage of the process I'm at, but I don't like it one bit. I'd almost prefer the anxiety.

 

Strangely, for the first time in 2 months, I'm at my weakest regarding breaking NC. I won't - but I'd give anything for a hug right now and to hear her voice.

 

Edit: I keep replaying things she said to me when we broke up as well which is driving me mad, how she doesn't love me, how we're not meant to be together etc. What's with that?

[starrysky]

Lemsip, I feel exactly the same way. The aloneness is so stark and overwhelming and I don't know what to do apart from feel sorry for myself. I am hoping that this is simply a stage I have to go through and that I will not feel this way for too long. I have only had NC for 3 weeks now, and although I am proud of myself, I would give anything to have him here and for us to be sorting things out. Its torture right now, but I guess one day we may be glad the relationship did end for whatever reason.

 

DD- This is truly an inspirational thread and one I will surely keep coming back to. You are incredibly strong!

[dabbledave]

DD- This is truly an inspirational thread and one I will surely keep coming back to. You are incredibly strong!

 

Thanks starry,

 

When I was staring at rock bottom -- crying behind my sunglasses in a beautiful seaside town, and checking out the pages of a suicide-glorification website in the dark corner of a horrid hostel -- I felt extremely weak.

 

It was the proactive mental exercises I describe throughout this thread that helped me get to this position of strength. Try them! You've got nothing to lose other than that crippling sense of loneliness you're experiencing.

 

Be your own best friend, parent, and therapist. Honestly, you can talk yourself up and out of the worst of this.

 

Cheers,

 

DD

[dabbledave]

Sometimes you have to take a couple of steps back before you can make a leap; like a run-up before the jump.

 

Yesterday was the ex's birthday.

 

She messaged me at the stroke of midnight (the night before yesterday), coincidentally as I was about to shut down my laptop before going to bed. She messaged me with "Happy birthday".

 

Weird. Stroke of midnight. Her birthday. She sends me birthday greetings. I didn't respond. I shut down my machine. I didn't sleep.

 

Yesterday, during the day, I shared a dropbox folder full of Thich Naht Hahn material with a simple "Happy birthday" and the TNH quote: “To be beautiful means to be yourself. You don’t need to be accepted by others. You need to accept yourself.”

 

I had planned this a couple of days before. My birthday is a couple of weeks after hers -- unfortunately -- so I thought I would set a precedent based on what I would appreciate. Her weird midnight message did give me second thoughts, but I went ahead. She answered a few hours later with thanks from "the bottom of [her] heart".

 

Yesterday and today I was fine. But when I got back home after work today, I broke down. Some 20 mins of solid crying. I let myself go. Embraced it. Almost celebrated it. For a couple of minutes I even studied my face in the mirror as it contorted with sobs. That was a couple of hours ago now and now I feel so calm ... Purged.

 

It's all good. I did the right thing in wishing her a happy birthday. I know she's deeply unhappy. So I've shared with her some of the stuff that has helped me get to where I am now after she abandoned me at the worst possible time.

 

I knew that planning and implementing such a birthday gesture ran the risk of setting me back. But sometimes doing the right thing can be the hardest. But because it's right, it's worthwhile. It was a couple of little steps back, but now I feel I'm in the air in the middle of a significant leap forward.

 

I really feel like I'm the hero in this and that she's the victim of her own villainy that needs to be saved. I wish I could save her. But one has to either want to be saved or be willing to save oneself. And, of course, she's already made a call on how she feels about me being in her life as a future partner.

 

I really do hope she appreciates my gesture and gets something from the TNH stuff I've shared with her. She needs it.

 

A couple of tests of her stated wish to remain friends are looming, including, next week, a four-day visit back here to her country, where I've lived as an expatriate for 10+ years, and my own birthday in a couple of weeks.

 

If she doesn't "pass" those tests, I'm afraid I may have to cut her out of my life for good. Then she has to become just somebody I used to know -- link removed -- and deal with the implications of that on her own.

 

In that worst case scenario it will be a few steps back, followed, I hope, by a huge leap forward.

 

Cheers,

 

DD

[mhowe]

Pain is a sign of change, and that can be a good thing. It's also a sign of growth. That you are moving forward, that you are allowing yourself to feel and move on --- all good. Keep up the good work.

[dabbledave]

In case she doesn't pass the friendship test I alluded to in my previous post, I have drafted a final goodbye which I would send to her and then proceed to block her from all online forms of communication:

 

 

You didn't find the time to drive down to XXXXXXX for half a day during your five-day visit home. This tells me that your proclamations of friendship are as hollow as your proclamations of love.

 

As such I cannot pretend to be friends with you the way you could pretend to be in love with me for so long. After everything we've been through, and after everything you've put me through, you don't deserve my friendship. I'm sorry.

 

Please do not contact me again unless it is a sincere attempt to repair our partnership. But think deeply about it before you do, just as I will have to think deeply about it if you do. In the meantime, I hope you can find happiness and contentment and love from within just as I am doing now.

 

If this is to be my last message to you, I want you to know that I sincerely hope you find someone as loyal and committed and forgiving as I was. If you do find that special someone, here is some advice:

 

Cherish his heart. Do not treat it like an old pair of shoes that you can put away while you try on another pair.

 

Find and appreciate the good in him. Encourage him to spread his wings and pursue his dreams as much as he allows you to.

 

If you truly love him, listen and understand.

 

If you stop loving him, tell him early and let him go.

 

With that I bid you bonne chance and adieu.

 

 

Your thoughts, my friends?

 

DD

[lemsip]

Dave, I thought you were gonna cut all ties? Man she screwed you around, brought you to a new country only to leave you, slept with a married man etc did she not? So when you say "I did the right thing in wishing her a happy birthday" I don't quite get it? I would have just left it. And there's no need for a "final goodbye letter" as you put it. Just vanish. If she wants to contact you to reconcile she will.

 

I realise that paragraph maybe sounded harsh, didn't mean it to be. I'm just worried that your proactive approach to healing has definitely helped you: but bringing her voluntarily back into your life won't do anyone any good in my opinion. Do you not think that yourself?

 

Hope my message didn't p*ss you off. Hope you're cool man.

[thelastsong]

That's so perfect I kind of want to steal it and send it to my own ex. (Don't worry; I already sent my own "never speak to me again" email.)

[dabbledave]

Thanks thelastsong,

 

So you think it's an appropriate finale? Do you think I should send it if she lets me down as a friend?

 

DD

[thelastsong]

Thanks thelastsong,

 

So you think it's an appropriate finale? Do you think I should send it if she lets me down as a friend?

 

DD

 

Personally, I would, just to let her know that she doesn't have the right to waltz in and out of your life every time she gets bored.

 

I've heard you shouldn't give advice to exes, but if chances are you'll never talk to them again, then why not?

 

I think the letter makes you sound like the better man who won't put up with any BS or mind games and won't let her control you. You aren't messing around, and you aren't interested in an insincere friendship. It'll certainly put her in her place if she thinks she's got you wrapped around her finger.

[dabbledave]

Hope my message didn't p*ss you off. Hope you're cool man.

 

I'm cool, dude!

 

I did the right thing with the b'day message because I still care for her and I know she is deeply unhappy being single. She says she has quit the relationship with the married guy. Before I returned I told her she had to end it if she wanted any self-respect even if it means being lonely.

 

It's at this point now that I am looking out for number one, because through it all she says she wants to remain friends. Fine. But she has to prove it. If she fails to prove it, she's getting that note. Unless people here can talk me out of it.

 

Cheers

 

DD

[dabbledave]

Personally, I would, just to let her know that she doesn't have the right to waltz in and out of your life every time she gets bored.

 

I've heard you shouldn't give advice to exes, but if chances are you'll never talk to them again, then why not?

 

I think the letter makes you sound like the better man who won't put up with any BS or mind games and won't let her control you. You aren't messing around, and you aren't interested in an insincere friendship. It'll certainly put her in her place if she thinks she's got you wrapped around her finger.

 

Thanks. That's the message I want her to get. I won't be the ex she chats to secretly behind her boyfriend's back -- that's for sure.

[dabbledave]

Dave, I thought you were gonna cut all ties?

 

Just to clarify: It's been selective NIC from me since my return -- apart from the b'day message.

[Nick Lansing]

I wouldn't send that note. To me it smacks a little too much of sour grapes. I feel like it's better to go away quietly when feelings are still raw like yours are. If you do send a letter, take out everything that can be construed as criticism. Remember, this is the last impression of you she'll be taking away.

[Eocsor]

That letter won't have the impact you want it to. It comes accross as weak and whiney. Silence speaks louder than words. utting all ties and not replying to any communication would be the best statement you could make.

[Benville]

I'm with the other chaps mostly, I wouldn't send it. I think I know your intent, but I can't see she'll take it that way. Silence/distance will have more of an effect.

[beacon]

Dave, I've read your posts so many times and like you, I'm trying to do this with gratitude and love but the more I think about the situation, the more disdain I am having for her. Something is telling me I may need at least a little of that to get her out of my head. I've tried not to hate her but I have to stop fighting it or else I'll go crazy.

 

I wouldn't send the letter either. Don't bother with her at all.

[dabbledave]

Thanks guys,

 

I know what you're trying to say, however, I am coming from a different perspective.

 

Firstly it's hypothetical in that she has to fail to follow through on her promise to bring back some of my stuff that I couldn't bring with me due to checked baggage weight limits.

 

I will be working next week. If I were to travel to her city to pick it up from her I would need to take out half a day. And it will cost me a fair amount of money, because I don't have a car. It's a new business I'm working on. I'm not drawing any income. So I won't make the trip; and there is no other reason over the next few months why I would go to that city.

 

She's here for four or five day break. Of course she wants to spend time with her family and friends, but she would be doing me a favour if she drove the 90 mins down here, met me for lunch and to give me my stuff, and drove back: four or five hours, tops.

 

To me it smacks a little too much of sour grapes. ... If you do send a letter, take out everything that can be construed as criticism.

 

No sour grapes. Criticism, sure ... If she's ever going to be happy in a relationship then she needs to recognise her own shortcomings rather than simply dump a guy and put all the blame on him when she gets restless.

 

That letter won't have the impact you want it to. It comes accross as weak and whiney. Silence speaks louder than words.

 

It's actually coming from a position of strength. And she knows it. I've moved on much stronger than she has. I've evolved as a person, whereas she's finding it tough to be single.

 

Silence and ignoring comes accross as passive-aggressive. I don't want to be passive-aggressive anymore. I became p-a during the final months of the relationship. I want to be assertive and decisive.

 

I think I know your intent, but I can't see she'll take it that way.

 

At this point, it doesn't matter how she takes it, because I would disappear after it. However, I do believe that she will be deeply hurt by my rejection of her "friendship", just as I was hurt by her rejection of my love and commitment. At least she will have an explanation -- something many dumpees on here struggle with!

 

the more I think about the situation, the more disdain I am having for her. I wouldn't send the letter either. Don't bother with her at all.

 

I pity my ex.

 

Again, just as with the birthday message, I think I'll be doing the right thing.

 

Saying goodbye and explaining why will hurt me and set me back a bit in the short term, but I know I will leap ahead afterwards.

 

Why?

 

I did the best I could in the relationship. I did the best I could in the aftermath. It's kind of like a closure. And it's the right thing to do.

 

 

 

DD

[dabbledave]

She's back here in this country this week.

 

I've yet to receive any call from her to say hello or to make plans to deliver my stuff to me.

 

However, I realise that I'm over-thinking this whole scenario, and it's bringing me down ...

 

Reset!

 

Thanks for listening ENA friends.

 

DD

[mhowe]

You are all about positive affirmations and thinking, but that letter is not. It seems like a case of "last word-itis", and frankly, I think you are above that.

 

But, you will do what you will do ---- and I think this whole episode has taught you what you want and need in a partner, so the next woman is going to be very happy!!!!

[dabbledave]

mhowe,

 

You are right about the "last-word-itis". It is my ego getting involved; wanting to punish her by withdrawing my friendship just as she withdrew her love. Or something.

 

But isn't going NC and ignoring contact without explanation of reasons the same thing, only worse? Isn't that a form of passive-aggression?

 

Still no call from her. No plans made to deliver me my stuff. And she can't just rock up and surprise me because she doesn't know where I live or work.

 

If the week ends and she returns to her new life and I have received no contact from her, I think I will just keep it that way unless she asks me a direct question about it. And then I will answer.

 

Just for the record, before resetting and rethinking this scenario, I did work on the draft email/notification I was planning to send her. It's less one-sided now. Even longer. Far too long probably. But it is stuff I want to say to her; not that I necessarily should.

 

Here 'tis:

 

You didn't find the time to drive down to XXXXXX for half a day during your visit home. You didn't even call.

 

Your actions demonstrate that at this time in your life your proclamations of friendship are as hollow as your proclamations of love. That's not your fault because you are not yourself. You are not the person with whom I became friends and with whom I fell in love. As such I cannot pretend to be friendly with you for one moment the way you pretended to be in love with me for so long.

 

So I cannot be friends with you.

 

That's not to say that I hate you. Far from it. Indeed what I feel for the real you, the XXXXXXX I believe in, is the opposite of hate -- it's love. Thus it's not good for me to stay in touch with you now. I'm sorry.

 

Without any bitterness I ask you to please never contact me again unless it is a sincere attempt to repair our partnership. But think deeply about it before you do, just as I will have to think deeply about it if you do. In the meantime I hope you can find happiness, respect, and love from within -- just as I am doing with great success.

 

I have learned so much since our break-up and for that I thank you.

 

I am not proud of myself for my passive-aggressive behaviour over the last year or so of our relationship. I understand that I did not have the security, the self-respect, the self-confidence, nor the skills to make my love work for you or for us. I was not myself then, just as you are not yourself now. I didn't like me then. And I knew you didn't like me, which made it worse. (I don't blame you.) On behalf of that shadow of my former self, I am deeply sorry.

 

However, there is plenty that I can be proud of from the four+ years we knew each other! I am proud of never giving up on the idea of living and loving together happily ever after. I am proud of always being loyal and committed. Never once did I think of cheating on you either emotionally or physically. And I am proud of my immense capacity to forgive! Most men would have walked away after the very first instance of your infidelity. That tells me that I am, at the core, a very kind, loving, patient, and forgiving person; a person I can believe in even if nobody else does.

 

If this is to be my last message to you, I hope you find someone just as as loyal and committed and forgiving. If you do find that man, here is some advice (take it or leave it):

 

Cherish his heart. Do not treat it like a pair of shoes that you can throw aside while you try on another pair.

 

Find and appreciate the good in him. Gratitude, even for the smallest gestures, encourages greater effort. If all you focus on is flaws then that is all you will ever experience and the relationship will never work.

 

Don't project onto him your own weaknesses and character flaws and then define him in that way. Conversely, don't ever take his bad days personally.

 

Encourage him to spread his wings and pursue his dreams as much as he allows you to follow yours. That's what a loving partnership is all about.

 

If you truly love him, listen and understand. If you don't understand him, listen some more. Do not let a misunderstanding or wrong perception drag down the relationship until it is "too late". And if you were meant to be together it is never too late.

 

If you stop loving him, tell him early and let him go; even if it's at an inconvenient time for you, or causes you extra suffering. To string someone along only leave them when they are at their most vulnerable is more selfish and hurtful than you can imagine.

 

From the bottom of my heart I bid you bonne chance and adieu.

 

DD