thelastsong Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 I can tell you're in a good place. NC, LC, NIC... whatever it happens to be, I know you can handle it. Don't worry if you're "following the rules" or not. You seem to be a lot saner than most people are immediately after a break-up, and I think you can use your best judgment with how to handle any situation that comes your way. Oh, and happy birthday!! Link to comment
beacon Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 Happy birthday, Dave. You seem to be getting along quite well and I hope your day today is no exception. Cheers! Link to comment
lemsip Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 It's his birthday tomorrow is it not you spoilsports? So I'll save my greeting til then! Link to comment
dabbledave Posted October 10, 2011 Author Share Posted October 10, 2011 Thanks everyone for your birthday wishes. Appreciated! No more, please -- let's stay on topic! Cheers, DD Link to comment
beacon Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 No more, please -- let's stay on topic! Ok, question then... you've openly battled with whether or not to remain NC throughout your journey. I have been committed to NC for a couple of months and I sometimes feel that this is causing me anxiety. It's almost as if consciously making myself do this is just another way of holding on to the relationship. I'm with you in that I want to embrace what is there with an open heart and thankfulness, so it feels like I'm clenching to this NC approach and closing myself off. I feel that if I'm to truly open my heart and let love fill it from all angles, one thing I have to do is let her know that I'm thankful for what we had without her thinking that I'm pleading for her but I also don't want to set myself back. I remember you talking about taking steps back in order to step forward and this may be where I am. I know I love her and I'm not going to stop and I think this should be a good thing as she is essentially a good person despite my heartache. I suppose my question is how did you approach these thoughts? I know you made the decision to contact her. It's seems so conflicting at the moment, but it can't be this complex... Link to comment
dabbledave Posted October 10, 2011 Author Share Posted October 10, 2011 Hi Beacon, Good question. I guess I have more questions to throw back at you rather than answers: You say you've gone NC for two months. Has she tried to contact you during that time? How often has she tried contacting you? Did you ignore her attempts at contact? Would you initiate contact? Or would you respond to her next attempt? What news could you handle? What attitude in her could you handle? Do you have the mental tools ready to deal with disappointment? (This is critical!) Are you confident enough in yourself and your current situation to project confidence and maintain it? Are you planning to state your true feelings when there seems to be an appropriate moment? If so, can you shrug off a luke-warm or cold reaction and continue as you were? It's context. Always context. Treat the questions as rhetorical; something for you to think about. Or answer them here if you want. I'll be back online in a few hours. Take care, mate. DD Link to comment
octour Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 Hey DD, I am trying my hardest to implement your line of thinking that got you this far so fast. My ex gf of 3.5 years left me for somebody else after knowing him for 3 weeks. She did this behind my back and it gave her enough 'strength' to end things with me. She then strung me along with a lot of contact, touching, kissing, etc. and some really fun days together. She swore she just didn't want to be in a relationship now and she was trying to work on herself because she said she has a lot of issues and wasn't happy. Two months of this went by and I caught wind of her marrying the guy she supposedly wasn't seeing. That was the worst news I think I could have received regarding my breakup and I am still in disbelief two weeks later. She hasn't even known the guy 3 months and she married him and we were together for over 3.5 years. I have my ups and downs and right now I think I may be coming out of a down thanks to your post. I am trying everything just to get over the disbelief and the anger stages of my abandonment. It is incredibly difficult to sleep for any length even with the help of PM aspirin etc. She swore to me she wasn't 'that type of girl' (one who could jump from one to the other), and that she 'could never do anything like to you', and that she wasn't 'seeing anybody' and they were 'just friends'. The pain is physical for me. But I am making strides. Tomorrow in the a.m. I am going for another run, coming back and packing up some of my things from my apartment as I am moving from this town to start my new job, in a new (but old) town, and my new life. I only have 3 weeks left here and I have been NC since two weeks ago. I will not contact her, and I am not sure if she will contact me, maybe if this 'marriage' goes bad who knows? But I am getting out of this town to find me, get my life back with a great paying job, get an awesome physique, and free my mind of thoughts of deception from someone I once regarded as my very best friend and the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. My thoughts are consumed with her and 'how could she do this?','what's wrong with me?', 'was I really that bad of a boyfriend?'(even though we spoke of marriage 4 months ago). I have had brain surgery, I broke my back in a car accident, I was also sent to the hospital twice with life threatening injuries and stayed for a month at each visit. And believe me when I say, that this is harder than all of them put together. I do not wish her any harm or pain but I haven't reached the point of wishing her well just yet. I will concentrate on things that I have in my life that I am thankful for. The first one that comes to mind is this message board which has helped me tremendously over the last 2 months. I don't know where I would be without it. Link to comment
dabbledave Posted October 11, 2011 Author Share Posted October 11, 2011 Hi Beacon, Further to your post, I believe that it could be a good release of anxiety for you to update your ex with positive things and to thank her for the good times you both shared. You could also go so far as to thank her for the break-up and the incredible learning experience you've gone through since. It's probably too late in the day to share with her the hurt and pain of break-up, certainly not on first contact. Warning: as you've noted, depending on her reaction or lack of reaction you are likely to experience a setback in the short term, but if your intentions are positive in sending her a note and it gets things off your chest, then you'll likely leap ahead afterwards. Because I've stayed in some sort of contact since the break-up my ex has had a "taste" of all the phases I went through, loosely: anger, depression, forgiveness, recovery, confidence, disappointment, forgiveness, supreme confidence. I've seen her more or less stagnate in her loneliness since rebounding into and then out of the arms of a married work colleague. So we've shared some of what we've both been going through. Granted I've been more of an open book than she has, but increasingly she has opened up to me. I think she's amazed at my transformation. On Friday when she met me to deliver my stuff (and we ended up doing the dirty) she said she was confused. The next day before she jumped on the plane to head back to her new country she texted saying she liked the new me, though I'm not expecting (nor 100% wanting) anything to come from that. But it feels good DD Link to comment
dabbledave Posted October 11, 2011 Author Share Posted October 11, 2011 I will concentrate on things that I have in my life that I am thankful for. That's how I started. Read the opening post again. As soon as I felt that horrible chesty ache of abandonment creep up on me, I launched into a flood of thank yous in my mind and searched for things to be thankful for. In the early days of my recovery I spent much of my time doing this! And it helped so very much that I was amazed by it. It definitely laid the foundation for where I am now nearly three and a half months later. DD Link to comment
The Man Who Posted October 11, 2011 Share Posted October 11, 2011 Hey DD, Want to say thank you for this thread - I have no idea how I've never noticed this before until now but I'm glad I stumbled accross it. I've come to realise that since my break-up I have improved ten fold since I was in it - the breakup was the best thing to ever happen to me as it was the kick in the backside I needed to kick start my life again. I forgive my ex for what she did, she's still young, naive and immature and I can even understand where she comes from why she doesn't want to speak to me. However that is her problem and not mine! I can only control myself and my actions - since the whole breakup, I've stumbled a few times with NC but I've cemented it in my head. I've taken advice from several people and looked deep within myself and have come to the conclusion that I'm going to work on improving myself for the next 6-12 months as a person. Long story short - in a small period of time I've managed to a) lose over a stone in weight, b) get back out with friends every Saturday, be it for a sociable drink or to watch football etc, c) become more confident than I ever was, d) read for the first time properly in years and read about things like attraction/confidence/body language etc and e) I truly believe in myself again, I thought other people made me happy but it is truly ones-self that creates happiness. My outlook on life is the most positive it's ever been in a long time and I have my ex to thank for giving me the kick start for me moulding myself into the man I WANT to be. Threads like these are genuinely what most people should be doing, no excuses not to focus on yourself because at the end of the day only YOU as a person matter. P.S. If anyone is needing help to re-wire their brain with affirmations I highly recommend link removed - it has helped me out a treat. I'll admit here though I'm still not over my ex but every day that goes by I think less about her. Let go with love as many have said and love yourself. Link to comment
dabbledave Posted October 11, 2011 Author Share Posted October 11, 2011 Thank you TMW. And well done! I think too many ENA threads focus on NC and LC and NIC and Facebook and IM and texts and what the ex is doing or thinking and all that stuff. And the advice given often focuses on that same stuff. To remove those things might be useful (or not) as they definitely can detract from what dumpees should be focusing on -- their own thoughts and feelings. The real focus should always be on being happy and positive! Because that will not only help you recover from BU, it will also set you up for the rest of your life! Cheers, DD Link to comment
beacon Posted October 11, 2011 Share Posted October 11, 2011 DD, thank you for your input. It is greatly appreciated and I am trying to focus on positive approaches to everything I do. You make it seem as if it was very easy for you, but it isn't as easy for me, which is unusual. I usually take a potentially negative moment and grow from it and maybe I am this time, but it feels much more like work than in the past. When I was with her, we basically cruised through life without thinking of future responsibility. As long as we were out "having fun" we were fine. Unfortunately our fun was getting to be too much partying and I wanted more. I already exercised a lot during the week, but I wanted to be even healthier, physically, spiritually, emotionally. Now, I am trying to limit instant gratification and focus on more important aspects of life (be more responsible in many ways... financially, emotionally, etc) but it makes me seem dull and lonely which makes me feel lifeless. I don't mean for this to be a negative post because I'm trying to love the things I have in this very moment, but I question almost every move I make now. It seems I've begun to analyze myself too much and as a result am not living like I normally do. Maybe that's the way I'm supposed to be now but I think the inner child is fighting it and it causes me anxiety. Wow, this post turned into something other than I expected. This now seems to be turning into a me thing rather than a break up thing. Maybe this is progression. I'm sorry if I'm rambling... Link to comment
dansmi12345 Posted October 11, 2011 Share Posted October 11, 2011 I realized something today: this post, as much as it has helped many people (including me) immensely in getting over their ex, really isn't about getting over a relationship. It's about life. I am steadily getting over my breakup, and it seems you are too DD. No, we aren't 100% back to where we were before our exes dumped us, but we're making progress. With that said, I think this post has benefitted both of us more in life than in relationships. I am a much more positive person than I used to be, having nothing to do with my ex. She wasn't right for me, but I knew that before reading this post. I needed to be confident and positive about the future of my love life, but I knew that, too. What I didn't realize before reading this post is that I needed to transform somewhat as a person. I needed to believe that things would work out in the future, be it in school, relationships, or family. I needed to be thankful for the little things in life, and I needed to constantly remind myself of what I'm thankful for and what I love in this world. I used to take so much for granted, but I will not do that any longer. I will try to enjoy my life more. A couple months ago I was deeply depressed. Now I'm in the best shape I've ever been in physically, emotionally, and spiritually. My point is, continue with these positive thinking techniques even after you're over your ex and even when you're happily married and living the life you've always dreamt of. They are always relevant. Link to comment
dabbledave Posted October 11, 2011 Author Share Posted October 11, 2011 I usually take a potentially negative moment and grow from it and maybe I am this time, but it feels much more like work than in the past. I have a lot of fun with the things I do in my head to make me feel better. Basically if it doesn't make you smile when you do it, you ain't doing it right It seems I've begun to analyze myself too much and as a result am not living like I normally do. Maybe that's the way I'm supposed to be now but I think the inner child is fighting it and it causes me anxiety. Let your inner child free to express himself. Don't analyze everything. Identify thoughts that make you feel like crud and analyse those! Challenge the assumptions behind the thoughts that limit you in some way. This now seems to be turning into a me thing rather than a break up thing. Maybe this is progression. It has always been a me thing; before, during, and after the relationship. Love yourself, because only you know what you really want. It's only when people are satisfied with themselves that they can truly satisfy others. DD Link to comment
dabbledave Posted October 11, 2011 Author Share Posted October 11, 2011 With that said, I think this post has benefitted both of us more in life than in relationships. I bet you all your other relationships have improved since you started feeling better about things. My point is, continue with these positive thinking techniques even after you're over your ex and even when you're happily married and living the life you've always dreamt of. They are always relevant. You are absolutely correct! Even though it took a break-up with the woman I once loved more than anything in the world to learn what I have learned, I am thankful that I have learned it! DD Link to comment
beacon Posted October 11, 2011 Share Posted October 11, 2011 I am pushing through and feeling better about many things. As time progresses, so shall I. I've always had the power of positive thinking but what I'm realizing now is that I used it based on more material things. While it is good for me to exercise and eat well to be, feel and look physically healthy, I have at some point left my emotions out of the picture, my spirituality. Inner well-being has become more of a focus for me. I have certainly found some aspects I don't like. With these kinds of realizations, I will be better. I will be strong. I will be the man I should be and want to be. Link to comment
dabbledave Posted October 11, 2011 Author Share Posted October 11, 2011 You may also rediscover the sense of fun that attracted your ex to you and you to your ex in the first place, Beacon. The problem with relationships that become serious is that they become serious, i.e. the fun fades away! DD Link to comment
beacon Posted October 11, 2011 Share Posted October 11, 2011 Back atcha lemsip I think I still have it, DD, but in a different way. I didn't want to go down that party road with her. I have been going on FB a bit recently and I saw where she was at a concert three days ago and her eyes, along with all of the people she was with, were super dilated and I know it was from Molly (pure MDMA). It's obviously her choice if that's what she wants to do, but I'm much more into healthy fun. I like to have a few drinks or good beer or wine, but if that's her fun, best wishes. I've been doing a little hiking and skateboarding and soon I'll be doing a lot of snowboarding, so I'm still moving, but it saddens me that she would choose a substance using life over a life of substance. Yes, I miss her and yes, I wish I could have brought her with me. I'm not in terrible shape in many ways and I should focus on these points. Ugh, I should have taken her snowboarding stuff back, lol! Link to comment
dabbledave Posted October 12, 2011 Author Share Posted October 12, 2011 Hi friends, Yesterday was my birthday and she took the trouble to call me to wish me a happy one. She called in the morning on the way to work (her time), but the reception was not so good I couldn't make out what she was saying, so she texted me that she would call again later. Then after work (her time) she called me while I was treating myself to a massage on the way home after a few beers (and a smoke) and we had a brief chat about small things. She's not yet feeling at home in her new town. After we hung up I texted her: "Home is where your heart is ... inside yourself. DD. xo". She texted back saying that made her cry ... (?) I'm sure if it wasn't for the looong email I sent her last week saying (if I were to summarise it in four words) "have a nice life", she would never have visited me to deliver my stuff, and she would never have made the effort to make an international call to wish me a happy birthday. That email definitely had an impact. She's obviously scared of losing something about me. Whether she wants me waiting in the wings like I have done in the past for her, or she genuinely has reawakened feelings for me, time will tell I guess. But I'm not going to wait around. And she knows very well that I can't deal in long-distance relationships. I'm not going to initiate contact for quite some time, because a big part of me still wants her back; to have the sort of relationship we could have had if I knew then what I know now about the power of the mind. (No regrets; I've learned heaps from this!) But I can't ignore her. That's not who I am. It's onwards and upwards DD Link to comment
1guygirl Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 anno many peeps on here say dont say this, dont send that...and the intention is because they dont wanna see others go through what they did, or lose dignity or whatever. But...one can only remain true to oneself, and one can only truly know their ex and the situation at hand. Its clear this applies to you DD, and aslong as any of us do not whine beg or plead, but state our truth and true intentions, in a loving, mature way, then we have not lost any power...but gained it...for ourselves. we stop ourselves from saying anything because it breaks NC rules...or it will push them farther away. But at what cost? NC is hard (for me to get head completely around anyways) because on some level you repress whats going on inside. witholding truth is also a lie so we are lying to ourselves and to those we say we love. Now im a non BS kinda gal, so i like to lay everything on the table... i like to say without any drama, hey, this is how i feel. once i get my truth out, i can do NC much better, because there is no repression and wondering...ive put it on the plate, i can now go NC and heal and its upto them if they wanna step up to that plate. if they dont then ok...we wasnt meant to be, at least i have spoke my truth in love, and i have had the strength to do that. i am sure it has an effect DD....not that im into manipulations...but even if its years down the line, you recall how an ex was so wonderful even in a break up, then you recall all the ex's who were bitter, nasty, and horrible or just plain rude. i recall an ex who done the NC on me, and i dont rate him highly as doing me a favour. he was just stone cold and that was that it seems. i saw no strength in him or have respect for him looking back. i view him and what we had as nothing...not even a slip up, nothing. how did i love such a b*stard, who was love n light to everything and everyone else? in short we should trust our own gut and judgement aslong as its not in the throws of immediate breakup....give it time and thank you and them for everything they are making you feel and face up to...GROWTH is the key - you grow, they grow it works...only one of you grows, it wont work...so break ups give you and them the chance to grow. telling them your truth gives them the option of whether they wanna grow with or without you. ooops....not making much sense there...jus a lil ramble...but basically DD jus saying i get where ya coming from LOL hugs Link to comment
dabbledave Posted October 12, 2011 Author Share Posted October 12, 2011 as long as any of us do not whine beg or plead, but state our truth and true intentions, in a loving, mature way, then we have not lost any power...but gained it...for ourselves. ... GROWTH is the key - you grow, they grow it works...only one of you grows, it wont work...so break ups give you and them the chance to grow. telling them your truth gives them the option of whether they wanna grow with or without you. ooops....not making much sense there... Makes heaps of sense. You said it very well! *hugs* back at ya! DD Link to comment
The Man Who Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 I agree with you 1guygirl, the worst thing anyone can do is beg, whine and plead to get back with your ex. For one of the first times in my life I actually manned up and told her that I wasn't going to beg or plead or whine about the decision. Why I might hear some ask? Well it's quite simple, I looked at past relationships, truly delved into them and realised I tend to get too wrapped up with my girlfriends, I put them on a pedastal and drop everything for them. They shouldn't be the center of my universe, I am the center of my own universe and anyone I let into my life is because I want them to. I'm growing day by day and I'm thankful and grateful for this experience. If we can't learn from our mistakes then we deserve to be slapped. What I thought made my ex-ex not want me anymore was wrong and what I thought my ex lose attraction for me is actually correct. I can now see that as I've taken a backwards step and thought using logic instead emotion. Hindsight is a wonderful thing - now it's up to me to paint my canvas for the future and become an even better man. Link to comment
dabbledave Posted October 13, 2011 Author Share Posted October 13, 2011 I'm not going to initiate contact for quite some time, Well I broke that little promise to myself already; sent her a short email about change -- how I have changed and how she needs to ... *tsk* *tsk* ... feel like a bit a dolt for doing that. It's not that it was negative; it was balanced. It just wasn't necessary ... Oh well, on on! DD Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.