How to heal yourself with love and gratitude in your heart

[essperance]

Thankyou for these posts and keeping coming back please they are very helpful. Can you recommend some audio material that i can download and listen to please? I'm finding things quite hard at the moment but an 'attitude of gratitude' certainly helps and reading these posts. Thanks for your inspirational input DD.

[dabbledave]

Thankyou for these posts and keeping coming back please they are very helpful. Can you recommend some audio material that i can download and listen to please? I'm finding things quite hard at the moment but an 'attitude of gratitude' certainly helps and reading these posts. Thanks for your inspirational input DD.

 

Hi essperance,

 

Thanks for your thanks

 

I mentioned in the original post of this thread, and more recently, the audio books I've drawn inspiration from. Other posters have also made recommendations. I'm new to the self-help genre, but I am sure there are plenty of self-help and/or spiritual publications with the same core message.

 

Believe that you will heal stronger and you almost certainly will!

 

Ask. Believe. Feel. Act. Receive.

 

Cheers,

 

DD

[dabbledave]

I'm on my way home. The notional and unplanned travel budget I had set in my head is spent, and I've had enough living out of a backpack; my journey of self-recovery and self-discovery has been hugely successful. Today I fly to my ex-fiance's new home town, so that in early September I can catch a flight back home. I will be staying with her at her apartment until then, which should prove to be interesting.

 

Last night we chatted online. And I'm proud of myself for being cool and calm and happy throughout. Indeed the conversation reinforced in my heart and my mind that really she is not (nor was not) good for me. Because I have pro-actively replaced the pain and anger and regret of the break-up with acceptance, forgiveness, love (more like sympathy, really), and gratitude, I am able to objectively assess her side of the conversation and figure out where she is emotionally.

 

She's a mess. She has some health issues. She lacks self-confidence. And she is emotionally very shallow. At one point she joked about bringing men home to her apartment during my stay. In response I laughed and said I'm sure that's good for her ego. I asked her whether she has had any flings since the break-up. She refused to supply a direct answer. I reassured her that I had no intention of getting back with her, so I could handle the truth (that's true; her admission of casual sex would only reinforce my assessment of her). Again she refused to confess or deny, but seemed to expect me to assume that she hadn't. I'm not assuming anything. She's quite capable of jumping a guy's bones when she feels lonely.

 

She was her usual demanding self, asking a favour for this, assistance on that; trying to make me feel obliged to treat her special without ever thanking me or showing appreciation for what I do for her unasked. It's clear she still has no respect for me. That's okay, I've limited respect for her right now. I know we had a great friendship before all of this, so I'm happy to do my bit to nurture that. But I certainly ain't going to be the doormat she expects of me -- even now after our break-up!

 

I'll be staying with her for a little over two weeks, but I don't feel I owe her anything for that; she has the home entertainment system and furniture I had shipped over after all! I told her that I would shout her a nice dinner when I arrived tomorrow. As usual she immediately suggested the most expensive restaurant in town. I played that down, making a joke about candle-lit dinners between ex-fiances; that pizza slices on the street would be the more likely scenario. (In actuality I'll take her to a casual and friendly family-run restaurant.)

 

Several months ago we were engaged to be married, even while she was busy checking out of the relationship. Three months ago I was blindly in love, and dropped everything to be with her on another continent. Several short weeks ago, after breaking up with me before even the shipping containers arrived at "our" new home, she is a physically sick, shallow, unappreciative mess. I, on the other hand, am a stronger, more emotionally-attuned, more confident, and happier version of myself ready to face new challenges and opportunities in life and love.

 

Take control of your headspace, people! It's easier than you think, and more powerful than you can imagine. Be the HERO; not the victim nor the villain.

 

Cheers,

 

DD

[mynameishope]

That last post is wonderful DD. So glad you're in control of your thoughts and that you're in a good place so soon

[dabbledave]

It's about 24 hours since arriving on my ex-fiance's doorstep.

 

Tonight she's gone out for a dinner party with work colleagues, and I have time to ... breeeeaaaathe! ... [in] yes [out] thank you [in] happy [out] thank you [in] healthy [out] thank you [in] wealthy [out] thank you [in] wise [out] thank you.

 

Yes, the past 24 hours have been a challenge! But I've come through it okay ... good, actually

 

Last night I didn't take her out to a casual dinner as planned. (We'll do it tomorrow night.) She was tired from work and heated up some tasty leftovers. I opened a bottle of red. It was a touch-and-go evening. Despite my positivity and smiles, the conversation turned, inevitably I guess, into one about us. An old argument raised its ugly head, an incident from our past in which she always paints me as the selfish bad guy. I got angry at first, but managed to calm myself outside with a cigarette and few affirmations.

 

When I came back inside, I told her the story of my journey just taken, how five/six weeks ago I was crying behind my sunglasses believing I really was the bad guy; how I had fleeting thoughts of ending it all. (I broke down at this point and cried; she did too, and awkwardly tried to comfort me). I then went on to summarise for her the recovery story I've told in this thread. I told her that since I've built up my defences against wrong thinking, I've been able to objectively assess what occurred in the relationship: that at some point along the way we both started focusing on the imperfections in each other; playing out in our minds incidents that hurt us (such as the one she raised during dinner); how negativity and arguments became a part of our lives together where before there was only fun and laughter. I tied that back to past relationships we've had with others; the failed relationships of other people; how the same pattern always seems to play out: honeymoon period followed by niggles which are quickly pursued by full blown arguments. The only way niggles can lead to arguments and the end of relationships is if the niggles become the focus of the relationship! She seemed to get it, nodding as she dried her tears. We spent the rest of the evening chillaxing quite comfortably and called it an early night.

 

We spent most of today at the beach nearby and got along pretty well. I even flirted with her a little, which received a combination of strange looks, amused smiles, and outright rejection ... I was hamming it up on purpose, to be honest. I also talked to her about positive thinking and the attitude of gratitude whenever there seemed an excuse to do so. Like a reformed smoker harassing those still caught in the habit, I probably overdid it! I definitely need to tone it down and just be.

 

I would be lying if I said I didn't wish that she would miraculously have a change of heart and want me back. It was the mild but manageable heartache I felt as she sauntered off to her dinner that brought me back here to update you all on how things are going. And indeed they are going well. My flight back home is in two weeks. I know I can handle staying here for that length of time.

 

So it's voluntary FULL CONTACT (non-sexual) with my ex-fiance for two weeks! Is this an ENA first?

 

Be cool, be strong, be kind, be the HERO!

 

DD

[dabbledave]

I got it out of her this morning after I prepared a cooked breakfast for us: She's been having an affair with a married man from her workplace for nearly two months. It started only a week after I moved out to go travelling. My level of respect for her has dropped significantly now. I will do my best to move my flight date forward so that I can get my new life going as soon as possible.

 

Be strong, be cool, be kind. Take control of your thoughts. Be the HERO, my friends!

 

DD

[dabbledave]

After this morning's news, the conversation stupidly progressed onto more past relationship issues. It became a little heated then we both cooled off and made peace.

 

We went back to the beach together this afternoon. It was pleasant, civil. I let her listen to one of my favourite audio files 'Being Love' by Thich Naht Hahn while I people-watched.

 

On the way back from the beach we stopped for some ice cream. While we were eating, I started visualising my ex with the married man with whom she's been having an affair.

 

I gave an involuntary shudder; she noticed; asked me what's up. I said "nothing". She said "go on". I said "you don't want to know". She said "tell me". I said "I was just visualising you with the married guy". Stupid. I should have lied. Anyway, she took it badly and went silent on me. All the way back to the apartment I'm back to my doormat self, saying sorry repeatedly, begging for her forgiveness. As usual, she wouldn't budge.

 

A little while after reaching the apartment, after more requests for forgiveness, I realise how ridiculous it is for me to beg her to forgive me for telling her what I was thinking. I've forgiven her for massive issues over the course of our relationship; I've taken her back twice after she put us on hold to figure things out with her exes; I've even forgiven her for the final break-up three months ago, less than a month after I and all my worldly possessions came with her to another country in support of her dream ... YET she can't accept my apology for telling her, at her insistence, what I was thinking that particular moment!

 

I lost my temper and I told her in no uncertain terms what I think of her now she's * * * * ing a married man. I told her that any shred of love I still had for her is now gone; that the great respect I still had for her has dissipated. I vented at her for at least five minutes; telling her about all the big stuff I've happily forgiven her for and compared it against my small indiscretions which she is fond of amplifying beyond reason. She took my harsh, honest words calmly; like an ice woman; I don't know what she's thinking or feeling right now in her bedroom -- if anything.

 

I'm calmer now, writing it all down. I'm not proud of losing my temper. All my self-control it seems left me this morning after I found out the news of her affair. But what's done is done, and it's better that this happened than rather than the real risk of reverting back to beating myself up over her.

 

If nothing else, I have REAL CLOSURE!

 

Stay cool, stay strong, stay in control, DD!

 

Stay cool, everyone

 

(Stay cool, me)

 

DD

[dabbledave]

Woke early. Couldn't sleep. Just vented on the "Post here instead of contacting your ex" thread.

 

I need to pick up where I left off on my healing journey. As soon as I can get away from here.

 

Hopefully I can get a flight out this week. Tomorrow would be ideal.

 

DD

[dabbledave]

I wanted to respect the person I loved for so long.

 

But after this news I don't think I can respect her.

[dabbledave]

Once again I'm now starting to realise that the more I focus on all the ways yesterday's news reflects on her true indifference of me as her fiance, as well as her scant regard for our relationship both at its end and long before it, the more I feel sorry for myself.

 

I've already balled my eyes out several times last night and this morning.

 

So now it's time to make a decision to take back control of my thoughts!

 

It's time to refocus on that positive path to a bright new future I was taking before this news.

 

It's time to continue healing with love and gratitude for all the positive things in my life right now and in the future.

 

It's time to be that hero once again!

 

DD

 

(And already I have a smile back on my face! )

[dabbledave]

Yes! I have a flight arranged for tomorrow ... I'm out of here very very soon!

 

D

[lemsip]

Wow, I'm sorry you had to find out about that affair mate. Maybe it will ultimately aid your long-term healing. You've been very positive throughout all this so try and not let this ruin your progress. Safe home.

[dabbledave]

Thanks lemsip.

 

In terms of my progress in healing, it's definitely been a short-term stumbling block. But I don't think it will have any affect on the long-term. I'm already starting to feel better about things after I made that decision to think positively (see above). I'm listening again to one of the audio books that inspired my recovery; as I'm packing up my stuff and figuring out what to take back and what to leave for her to keep, bin, or donate.

 

The only thing this really affects, when I look back at it more objectively now, is the chances of being friends with her. I've lost any respect I had for her. That's what I'm most upset about, really; the fact that someone I loved so dearly for so long can jump into bed with a guy so soon after us; a married guy; and from from her workplace! She told me that three of her "friends" at work know about the affair -- and who knows how many guy colleagues he's told! Is she really that woman!? Is coming to this country her excuse to throw off the cultural inhibitions of her own to become the office * * * * !?

 

But enough of that: I can't change it so I have to accept it. Goodbye, cruel girl.

 

Cheers,

 

DD

[Eocsor]

Remember, you have to forgive in order to move on.

[dabbledave]

Remember, you have to forgive in order to move on.

 

Indeed it's both a lot faster and much more satisfying to move on with forgiveness, and in my heart I already have. We are all, after all, human, with failings and frailties. Let me summarise what just went down:

 

She returned home from work today and I immediately had a go at her, telling her that because of her affair with a married man she had lost my respect. After a few angry words were exchanged, she got emotional.

 

I softened my tone and we managed to have a long heart-to-heart. During our conversation (my ex doing much of the listening for a change!) we resolved a significant long-standing mis-perception she had about me for much of the latter half of the relationship.

 

This was significant, for it was something that was a point of great controversy between us and which caused extreme frustration in me. When she finally "got it" this evening, it was like a burden was lifted from me. She got very emotional when she realised how wrong she was about me and burst into tears.

 

We spent the rest of the evening idly chatting about some of the great food we used to enjoy together and wishing each other the best for the future. We didn't talk about her affair again. But when we gave each other a goodnight hug, I softly told her: "Choose your men wisely." She nodded, wiped some tears from her eyes, smiled, and went to bed.

 

I'm about to turn in knowing that that tomorrow I will leave this place and return home leaving behind good feelings between us. That knowledge gives me great satisfaction and the confidence to heal rapidly with love and gratitude in my heart.

 

Eocsor, please do your own research on the issue of forgiveness. It really is good for the soul

 

Cheers,

 

DD

 

“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” -- Mahatma Gandhi

[little_buttercup]

Excellent post, OP! I find it inspirational & think I'll read it again when I'm feeling down or upset.

[dabbledave]

Excellent post, OP! I find it inspirational & think I'll read it again when I'm feeling down or upset.

 

Thanks little_buttercup,

 

All power to you. Be strong, be kind, be cool.

 

DD

[1guygirl]

oh DD i am sorry about your situation went about it positively and picked up on the flags your gut was springing up.

 

ignorance is bliss, but only for a little while....the truth really does set you free

 

it may be a step back, but youre not headed for square one, you truly can move on now. i agree, the saddest part can be loosing respect for someone, the disappointment in them, and knowing you could never go back because you can never stoop to those lack of principles.

[dabbledave]

I'm back where it all began; in my ex-fiance's country; the nation in which I have lived as an expatriate for 10 years.

 

I'm back and I'm determined to make a real go of the internet start-up I dropped to follow my love on her dream move to another country.

 

Last night I dreamt that my ex had died. I was viewing her remains with her family. I awoke eerily calm. Has my subconscious finally accepted the end?

 

This morning I arranged to meet my former-soon-to-be-mother-in-law at my ex's house to pick up some stuff as well as accumulated mail. Her mother was very gracious, accepting my token gift with a warm smile.

 

As she passed me my mail and returned the engagement diamond to me, she clasped my hand and cried. In her broken English she told me sorry and wished me all the best.

 

Completely surprised and moved by this, I also teared up as I told her that I loved her daughter very much; that I still love her; but that ultimately we didn't understand each other.

 

I'm spending the rest of today ensuring that my bank, insurance company, and other essential services have my new mailing address.

 

The first day of the rest of my life.

 

Am I happy and grateful for today and for the future ? Yes.

 

Am I sad about the past? Of course. But it has only made me stronger and for that I give thanks.

 

Moving on with love, gratitude, acceptance, and forgiveness in your heart is truly the way to go!

 

Perhaps I needed to hit rock bottom to realise it. Perhaps most people do, Yet I vouch for it whole-heartedly and would recommend it to anyone.

 

Be strong, be cool, be positive, be thankful my friends.

 

Cheers,

 

DD

[mhowe]

Very inspiring to read your journey back to your self.

[dabbledave]

Thanks mhowe,

 

It helps to share. I'm grateful for the outlet. Thanks for reading.

 

DD

[dabbledave]

Dear friends,

 

During our heart-to-heart the night before my return home, my ex-fiance said she believed we were "soulmates" and that if we were meant to be a couple, we would be in the future. I believed that very strongly once and forgave her some very hurtful things with that in mind. Now, of course, I don't believe it; nor would it help me to believe it.

 

We left on good terms, with her reiterating her desire to remain friends. But I'm still very disappointed in her for the affair she is in. My respect for her has significantly diminished. This can be salvaged somewhat if she follows through on her resolve to end things with the married guy and focus on trying to be happy by herself for a while.

 

She has never spent much time as a single woman; indeed it seems every relationship she's ever had (apart from her first, obviously) has been a rebound. She acknowledges that this is a problem she has to fix, and that until she does fix it it is unlikely she will be able to settle down into the kind of relationship she wants. The closest she's been to commitment so far is with me. But then during a confusing period in the "history of us" she managed to completely misunderstand me; a misperception that ultimately doomed the relationship as I reacted by becoming a passive aggressive shadow of my real self holding on too tightly to that hopeful little thing called love.

 

So as much as I would like to retain some semblance of a friendship with someone who was once my best friend, soulmate, and fiance, I really can't be the one to make that happen. The ball's in her court. So it's short, cool, polite non-initiated contact (NIC) from me until she regains my respect.

 

Cheers,

 

DD

[dabbledave]

Friends,

 

I've been back in familiar territory since Wednesday. And while it has been nice to reconnect with my bachelor friends, there has inevitably been a lot of booze involved.

 

On my travels since break-up I sampled the local brews with meals, but never got tipsy or drunk. However, since returning home and resuming a bachelor lifestyle of bar-hopping and beer (which I never missed the whole time I was with my ex-fiance) I have had too much booze followed by inappropriate meals and too little sleep. The combination plays hell with the heartstrings and serves to pick away the scabs of healing. It's tough to stay aware of your emotions in control of your thoughts if you're drunk.

 

At 4 am this morning, drunk and tired and with a gut-full of greasy carbohydrates, I cried myself to sleep.

 

So today I vow to lay off the binge-drinking indefinitely and throw myself into my work.

 

Friends, please drink in moderation if you want to heal quickly.

 

Cheers,

 

DD

[lemsip]

Sorry to hear that Dave. I definitely can relate, some of my worst moments have been in a state of hungover emotional hell.

 

Although ironically as I type this it's 3pm and I'm still p*ssed from last night. Got absolutely totalled, and I mean completely wrote off, couldn't stand or speak by the end of the night. But all my mates were the same.

 

The phonecalls today catching up with people, seeing how they got home, hearing stories has made me smile. I feel like death at the minute, but it did me the world of good.

 

For me it was a turning point. I went out last night as a single man, not as a man who was in the throws of a breakup. I guess I'm riding on the crest of a positive emotional wave, one which may turn sour again, but while it lasts I'll enjoy it.

 

TRy not to let the hangover bother you. That's all it is, a hangover.

 

As for your ex, yes, keeping in contact will only hinder your healing for the time being. But you're a smart guy, you know that.

 

Always pleased to keep track of your story. Take care!

[dabbledave]

Hi Lemsip,

 

Thanks mate. Yes, everything else is good otherwise. My partner in the venture is all for my ideas on how to move it forward so we've started on that.

 

Last night was simply a reminder of why I enjoy the quieter, civilised company of a steady girlfriend more than a rampage through the bars with the boys. And so, in my drunken state, it made me miss what we had.

 

I've a NIC policy in place at the moment (effectively NC as she hasn't tried contacting since I arrived home). She'll make a great friend in the future if she wants to be (and she earns my respect). Great friends was how we started out. She really is not cut out for a committed long term relationship, so I've intellectually ruled that one out.

 

Cheers

 

DD